I’m long overdue for a more light-hearted list, since last week’s Weekly Ten caused a bit of a controversy to say the very least. So I’ve decided to focus whatever minuscule amount of energy I have leftover from my intense ski weekend in Vermont on sharing with you why I really, really adore my boyfriend. Who, by the way, came up with last week’s topic for the Weekly Ten so please divert your hate mail to him. Appreciated.

10. He’s learned the magic rule: Cupcakes fix everything.
No matter what, I can always count on him to cheer me up with a red velvet cupcake if I’m down. He even brought it to a whole new level by sprinkling cheerios on top of a cupcake for Valentine’s Day. Sounds gross unless you are me and if given the option, would only consume dry cheerios until the end of time.

9. Not a video gamer.
Okay, so I admit I am sort of a sucker for Guitar Hero and Mario Kart. However, I can’t stand it when guys devote 99% of their free time to ridiculous video games. Seriously, Call of Duty? Seriously? Granted, it is a little embarrassing when I beat him in Super Smash Bros. but pretty much only embarrassing for him.

8. He’s down to try it all.
Before we started dating he’d never had guacamole, been skiing or been to a kick-ass New England brewery. I lucked out with a guy who’s totally willing to break out of his comfort zone and try anything new out. Even if it ends in disaster. Especially if it involves Victoria’s Secret whipped body creme. I don’t want to get into it.

7. Gets along with the fam
This is a biggie! It’s never easy to find someone who blends seamlessly into your dysfunctionally adorable fam (just me?), but my guy totally hit it off with every member of my crazy family. In fact, I’m almost sure my mom would adopt Mike and give me up if given the opportunity.

6. Hardest-working, ever.
So we might turn this one into a competition sometimes. And by sometimes, I do mean constantly. I’m working 55 hours? He’s working a 55 hour MINIMUM for the month. I’m studying for my undergrad midterms? He’s got the final (AND HARDEST) test of his CPA next week. I worked on a Saturday? He’s working for all the Saturdays for the rest of time. This might not exactly be the most healthy or cool competition, but I have to love how ambitious he is. Even if I am totally winning the contest. Hello? Three jobs and still a junior in college? I totally win.

5. Dr. Boyfriend
Sick in bed? Totally can count on him to bring me over chicken noodle soup and a pint of Ben & Jerry’s. Amazing.

4. Awesome friends
Since I only moved to NYC last summer and left most of my friends back home and in Boston, my social life has diminished substantially. Luckily, le boy has an amazing set of friends who aren’t d-bags and welcomed me with hugs, dance parties, shots… you know, all the things you want in a social circle.

3. Completely 100% there for me
This is a tough one to find in a person. I’ve definitely run through my fair share of sheisty dudes. Who hasn’t? The boyfriend has proved to me that there are guys out there who you can trust, who won’t screw you over and who will love you even if you shrink all his work shirts in the dryer.

2. Treats me like a princess
As Oscar Wilde once said, “How can a woman be expected to be happy with a man who insists on treating her as if she were a perfectly normal human being?” Okay, so obviously I’m not expecting him to wait on me hand and foot while I take bubble baths and eat truffles while wearing a tiara (except that actually sounds amazing and I may propose this idea for my birthday), but my guy definitely goes the extra mile for me. From cute dates to “just because” presents, he definitely lets me know that I’m special. Even if he does tease me for having super stinky feet, especially after I’m wearing my cute gold flats.

1. Unlike most CC readers (and now some writers… and occasionally the lovely editor when I’m late with an article) he actually loves and puts up with me.
Except for when I watch “Real Housewives of Orange County.” But I totally get that.

Ahh, the blackout. These words have become oh-so-familiar over the past two years I’ve spent at this fine university. Sunday mornings – Gatorade and a McDonald’s breakfast sandwich in hand – I sit in my living room with my roommates, attempting to piece together the events from the night before. Looking through pictures, decoding unintelligible text messages sent to the cute guy from Calculus, my friend apologizing for puking on my shoes or stealing my pizza before I had a chance to get the door.

I can’t be mad at them though, or even blame them. Sometimes the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol takes over and there is no turning back. They are no longer the same person and are going to do things they wouldn’t normally do. Like the infamous girl-on-girl makeout sesh which is now plastered all over Facebook.

But like they taught you in elementary school, it’s all fun and games until someone gets hurt. And recently, that person was me.

My boyfriend and I have been together for over two vomit-includingly cute years. We moved in together in August to a new apartment where he makes me dinner after a long night at work, and we’ve even talked marriage.

We were the stereotypical happy couple until about two weeks ago during a blackout sorta night.

All of my friends were finally back in town before this spring (spring? There’s two feet of snow outside) semester started, so naturally we had to celebrate get wasted. After a long night of cheap vodka and too many shots at the bar, we went back to my friend’s apartment for afties. Just another successful night.

That is, until I realized that my boyfriend was missing and I had no idea where he was. I started roaming around the apartment. I looked in the kitchen, then the bathroom. Nothing. Finally, I peeked my head into my friend’s bedroom and there he was. Naked. On top of a girl. Who was also naked.

Naturally, I flipped the eff out. I screamed, I stormed over to the bed and pulled him off of her. I stared at him, anger bubbling up inside of me; his eyes were glazed, he was falling over, and he had no idea where he was. My boyfriend was beyond blacked out.

The rest of the night got a little hazy. I went crazy, taking justice into my own hands. Literally. The next thing I knew, I was handcuffed in the back of a cop car, blowing a .34 BAC (classy, I know) and being charged with domestic assault (apparently some neighbors called the cops to file a noise complaint). Not my finest moment. After I got out and was able to talk to my boyfriend again (sans fists), I demanded answers. But got nothing. He was blacked out the entire time; he didn’t remember being at the bar, going back to the apartment, or even how he ended up with a black eye and a fat lip. (Yeah, I totally JWowwed his ass. I was angry!)

And this fact alone has left me completely torn and unable to eat or sleep. My boyfriend betrayed my trust and really broke my heart. He sent me into a fit of rage I’ve never known before and made a fool out of me.

But can I really blame him for something that happened when he was blackout drunk?
Something that he doesn’t even remember doing?
Can that even be considered cheating?
Do I forgive him?

I honestly don’t know what to think.

The thing about this situation is that everything is not black and white. It would have been so much easier to just dump him and walk away if he was going behind my back on purpose. But he wasn’t. And while nothing technically happened (they didn’t have sex), it scares the shiz out of me to think what would have happened if I hadn’t walked in. It disgusts me to think about my boyfriend being with someone else, or what he was saying to her while they were in bed, or how he ended up there in the first place.

I definitely blame my boyfriend for getting that drunk. Mostly because he always gets that drunk. I blame him for putting himself in that situation and for putting me in that situation. But I still don’t know if I can blame him for what he actually did. I can’t hold him more responsible for his actions than my friend who pukes on my shoes, or the friend who always steals my food when she comes home from the bar drunk. I know neither of them would intentionally hurt me when they’re sober, so is this really different?  I’ve never gotten into a fight with my boyfriend, let alone had to deal with something like this. Until this incident, I never had a reason not to trust him.

Is this a good enough reason?

I understand that to many of you this seems like such a simple answer, but I’m seriously stuck. I love my boyfriend and we have so much history. I honestly don’t know what to do. What do you think? Can blackout mistakes be forgiven?

See ya later, Single Status!

It’s weird how it happens. One day you’re screaming “THIS IS MY SONG!” every time “Single Ladies” comes on at the bar, and the next…well, you’re doing the same thing, but it’s not actually true. After just over two years of being the most single person on the planet, I actually took the dive. It happened really unexpectedly with a cute acquaintance I have known for years. We started talking a little more, and things took off out of nowhere.

I used to want to jack people in the face when they said, “When you stop looking for a boyfriend, you’ll get one.” And even though that is exactly what happened, that’s still really annoying advice. I think I hate it largely because it takes the situation out of your hands; as if you have to be in some sort of cosmic state of perfect personal balance just to get a damn date. I think a better way to phrase the advice is this:

Beating yourself up over not having a boyfriend or becoming depressed that “there’s no one out there” isn’t going to make your perfect mate appear out of thin are. There are times when 5 guys ask you out in a week, and there are times when your only male interaction for months is with your Environmental Science professor (hopefully not the wrong kind of interaction…). You can control your love life, but only to a certain extent. You don’t completely control who you meet, when you meet them, or (even as much as we try) how they feel about you.

I think what these crappy advice givers mean to say is if you can be happy without a boyfriend, you won’t turn your love life into the biggest stress-sesh since applying to grad school. Hello, school is pressure, work is pressure, your parents are pressure…dating shouldn’t be. It’s not going into your GPA, so live a little. There are perks to being single, and there are perks to being coupled, so exploit what you have. Learning to enjoy your status no matter what it may be is the biggest breakthrough for women since the water bra; both help you work with what you’ve got.

While I do really dig my guy, I’m going to admit it: I already miss being single. My single friends glare at me when I say this, but I mean it. Look, just one week after finally taking the plunge into exclusivity, I met a super hot grad student from NYU while I was out (I’m pretty sure the relationship Gods were testing me). I couldn’t give him my number. It was more traumatizing for me than when my first goldfish died. So the next time you’re blubbering about flying solo, just remember; you get to mack on anyone and everyone, and you don’t have to shave your legs everyday. Love the perks while you can!

[Since Dannia went and got herself a man, we're lookin' for a new Single Lady. If you know someone who's living up the single life, have her send an email to editor@collegecandy.com. We want to share her experiences with the world.]

I’m a senior in college, single, loving it, and have just as many girlfriends as random sexual escapades (almost). So maybe I’m not having as much consistent sex as I’d like, but I am still getting my fill of lovin.

I am absolutely in love with my girlfriends.

I feel more fulfilled from my friend relationships than I’ve ever had from boyfriends. Maybe that’s not saying too much about my ex’s, but the power of the female friendship amazes me, especially in college.

In high school, I used to be a boyfriend-girl (you know the type). Although I tried to split time between the BF and the BFFs, I definitely ended up sacrificing girl time for the boyfriend. But now, after staying single in college, I never have to make the sacrifice of feeling lonely just because I don’t have a boyfriend. I actually feel more loved, supported, and celebrated through my friends.

I always have someone to laugh with, cry with, and get bagels at 10 in the morning when I’m hungover with. My girlfriends are the perfect boyfriend that doesn’t exist.

Being a single, senior with my chicas is exactly how I want to spend my last year in college.

Besides, who wants to be tied down with a boyfriend for their senior year? Not me, that’s who. I’d rather drink with my girlfriends, hang out with some hotties, and have my nice full bed (and comforter)  all to myself.

Ok, not necessarily bad per se. But definitely looked down upon, like we’re being foolish for not wanting to experience “the pleasures of life” you non-virgins always talk about.

You may not think we know, but we know. We know those looks you give us when we’re all hanging out together and we start talking about guys. And by “you,” I mean the one who goes out, gets drunk, and hooks up. After you go on and on about the guy (not the boyfriend, but the guy of the moment) you met last night and how good he was in bed, you all of a sudden cast us a very familiar look. That patronizing, pity-filled, I-can’t-believe-you’re-not-doing-it-you-don’t-know-what-you’re-missing look. The eyebrows scrunch a little and the lips pout a little, and maybe the arms reach out to give us a little hug. The consoling eyes seem to say, “It’s ok, sweetie. You’ll find someone some day!”

Well, maybe I don’t want to find someone. At least, not in that way. Not for just the night. Not for just sex.

You might think I’m crazy, but I know that until I have found the one I’m going to spend the rest of my life with, I’m not going to settle. I don’t just want to pick up some random guy at the club, spend a meaningless night together and have my final image of him be his back heading out the door.

I don’t mean to completely admonish and criticize those girls that do live that sort of life. I have plenty of girlfriends who go through guys like they’re the flavor of the week. And I’m totally fine with you living that lifestyle; I wasn’t born in the 18th century. I understand that times have changed and it’s the new millennium. All I want is for you to not look down on me like I’m missing out on something. Because I don’t think I am; I love everything about my life, and wouldn’t live it any other way.

I’m not giving you any looks, so next time we’re hanging out, please don’t give one to me. There’s nothing here to pity, girlfriend.

Ah, interruptions during sex.

Everyone hates it, but in college, it seems unavoidable.  Maybe college students just don’t have the decorum to realize that if the door is shut, locked, and the person inside is yelling and pleading for you to go away, you should just walk away. Or perhaps since most college students are used to sharing everything from computer labs to showers, they think trying to walk in on their roommates sexy time is a-ok.

Seriously, whenever my boyfriend and I are trying to have some alone time, one of his three idiot roommates ruins the moment. It is usually like clockwork. If one of them isn’t sliding pennies under the door (yes, this happens. It’s strange, I know) to get my boyfriend’s attention, it is his annoyingly pompous roommate knocking to “inquire” about a bill. Oh, and my personal favorite is when they need to borrow my boyfriend’s stapler. It’s 1am on a Saturday, why the hell do you need a stapler?

If we wanted them to join, I’m sure we would leave the door open. But we don’t. And I don’t get it. If we just said goodnight twenty minutes ago, why are you sliding pennies under the door? What is it that makes people so oblivious to the need of alone time with a significant other? Maybe human beings secretly enjoy ruining the moment for someone; a little satisfaction knowing that a simple interruption can make a couple lose the desire for the moment. Or maybe that need for the stapler really is that imperative.

We’ve tried everything: Post-it notes that read “Do not disturb,” even a hammer on the door signifying that “hammer time” (as one of his roommates calls it) is happening. Seriously, what more can you do when you’re duct-taping a hammer to the door in hopes that you will be left alone for a couple hours?

I’ve heard that some people just leave the door unlocked and open, in hopes that the noises and the action going on will defer any interrupters, but does it have to be that extreme to have some intimacy in college? It seems like getting rid of privacy is the only way to get rid of the incorrigible intruders, but since sex is something that should be private it seems like the boundaries are truly being crossed.

Those times when interruptions don’t happen, well … those are times to be relished, but they really are few and far in between.

I know I’m not the only one with knocks coming from the other side of the door. So, what is the most awkward or persistent sexual interruption you have experienced? And what is the best way to stop the nonsense behind the door?

Question for Tuffy? Email TuffyLuv@collegecandy.com and get it answered, girl!

Dear Tuffy Luv,

Tuffy, I am so sick of men. I mean it. I just can’t take it any more. They all just break my heart. I’m in college–isn’t this supposed to be a time when it’s fun to just meet guys? Dating is horrible and I never meet anyone good anyway, unless I do and then they always just ruin it somehow. I seriously thought about experimenting with women but my lesbian friends say girls aren’t any better. I think I’m just going to swear off love forever. Please tell me I’m wrong.

Out of Love

Dear Out of Love,

You’re wrong.

No, for real, though. Honey, you are WAY too young to swear off love. When you’re old and you only eat prunes and have no teeth, then, and only then, if you’re alone, give me a call.

The question you should ask yourself is–why? Why does every relationship, every date turn out so awfully? Are you dating the wrong kind of guys? Lots of girls date craptastic guys because they feel like they deserve it or because they think they can fix them. Girl, ain’t never been no one can fix a bad man. Period.

Or maybe, and I know you hate this answer, honey, but they don’t call me Tuffy Luv for nothing–maybe there’s something you’re doing that’s either hurting their feelings or making them upset in some way? Maybe you’re telling them too-personal information on the first or second date (sexual abuse, extreme religion, illness—these things should all be reserved for someone who already cares about you, not someone you barely know). Or maybe you’re either coming on too strong, or not strong enough.

That said, you should NEVER change yourself so some guy likes you. You should just adjust your behavior–if you’re hurting someone’s feelings or if you’re being inappropriate, you should take an honest look at yourself and reevaluate your actions. Think of a date as a job interview: Be the best version of yourself that you can be.

So my advice is to swear off dating–but just for a month or two. Work on you, girl. Do things you like to do. Treat yourself to things you like. Go out with your friends and don’t even look at the guys in the room. You just need a little break. I promise that after a couple of months of this, you’ll be refreshed and get back in the game.
You know you never can find things when you’re looking too hard

Hearts & Skulls,

Tuffy Luv

Men are tricky creatures. As much as we may wish we could read their minds, it just isn’t possible (yet… come on, science!). But don’t worry, I have discovered a trick to help us understand them a little more.

We all know guys that have picked up Cosmo from time-to-time (or have a monthly subscription) to help them figure out what their women are thinking. Hell, I bet a bunch of guys are reading CollegeCandy right now to try and figure something out about their girlfriends. Well ladies, we can do the same thing! Taking a peek at the kind of dating and relationship advice guys are being fed is a great way to get into the mind of a dude and see why he acts the way he does. Every Wednesday I’ll be doing just that. Hopefully, this will explain a few things…

This Week’s Article: Her Best Friend Is A Guy by askmen.com.

As someone who has a lot of close platonic male friends in her life, this article particularly irked me. And by “irked,” I mean “pissed me the hell off.”

The boys (they are not men) over at AskMen refuses to believe that a male and female can truly ever be good friends. As they say, “we’re operating under the assumption that heterosexual men and women cannot be best friends; sex always gets in the way.” I know many people may believe this, but I am living testament to the fact that it is not true. I would never dream of sleeping with my best guy friends, who I absolutely adore, and I know they feel the same way about me. In fact, the mere thought of it all makes me puke in my mouth a little.

Moving on…

The article lists a number of steps to help the reader deal when the girl he is dating has a close male friend. The first few sound OK: don’t express jealousy, meet the best friend, be nice to her best friend, find out their history, etc. The steps all seem pretty normal and natural in any relationship, but don’t be fooled. According to the author, your boyfriend’s “main objective here is to assess the competition,” rather than simply get to know your friend and what role he plays in your life.

And if being shady and manipulative isn’t bad enough, it all goes downhill from here. After assessing the competition, the article advises guys to phase BFF out. Why? “If her best friend is a guy, it’s probably going to cause problems for your relationship, as there will always be another guy with whom she’s emotionally intimate.” Because clearly it’s impossible for men to understand or accept that women can be emotionally connected to more than one person. Especially a dude; if she was emotionally intimate with a female friend, I doubt it would be a problem.

But, again, it gets even worse.

Step 7: Get her to talk about him. The article says: “Another useful technique for phasing him out is to subtly get her to talk about him. Encourage her whenever she starts complaining about him. Be there whenever the two of them get into an argument.”

Um, NO! Of coarse you should be there for your S.O. when they are fighting with a friend, but this shady approach to ruin their friendship will only push your girlfriend away. If she gets the sense that you hate her male friend (and she definitely will when you start prodding her to complain about him…we’re not dense like SOME people…) it’s only going to make her question your motives. And besides, shouldn’t men stop being so damn selfish and insecure and think about what makes their girlfriends happy for once? You know, like having healthy relationships with their friends?

Step 8: Get him to embarrass himself. “OK, granted, setting her best friend up to embarrass himself is a pretty shifty move, but all is fair in love and war, right? Try getting her best friend drunk, or subtly encouraging asinine behavior.” This kind of behavior doesn’t just make guys bad boyfriends, it make them all around sh*tty people. Honestly, who does this?!

AskMen should be telling their readers to GROW UP. So what if their girlfriend has close male friends? If they are honestly a threat, the guys need to talk to her about it. But they usually aren’t and guys need to realize that they are important people in her life and probably will be for a while. Just because someone’s girlfriend has a best male friend doesn’t mean she will be less of a girlfriend to him. It should actually be a good thing. It shows that she is good at relating to guys, and probably enjoys some more male-oriented activities. It also means that when they get into fights, instead of sitting around with her girlfriends talking about what a dick the guy is, maybe she’ll talk it out with her guy friend and he’ll help her see that there are two sides to every argument.

Of course, guys don’t see that. At least the ones writing these articles. They’re far too insecure to have a relationship, let alone a healthy one.

Girls, have you noticed your boyfriends employing any of these steps to rid you of your male friends?

Men are tricky creatures. As much as we may wish we could read their minds, it just isn’t possible (yet… come on, science!). But don’t worry, I have discovered a trick to help us understand them a little more.

We all know guys that have picked up Cosmo from time-to-time (or have a monthly subscription) to help them figure out what their women are thinking. Hell, I bet a bunch of guys are reading CollegeCandy right now to try and figure something out about their girlfriends. Well ladies, we can do the same thing! Taking a peek at the kind of dating and relationship advice guys are being fed is a great way to get into the mind of a dude and see why he acts the way he does. Every Wednesday I’ll be doing just that. Hopefully, this will explain a few things…

This Week’s Article: “Open Up to Her?” from askmen.com.

A reader writes to Doc Love (really? Doc Love?) because he has been having problems with the woman he has been dating for 21 months. He writes: “Caprice is now saying she doesn’t know if we’re compatible. She still says she loves me and is still touchy with me (so I don’t think it’s just Womanese). One of her specific complaints is that I don’t communicate, and that she doesn’t really know me. In your book you say not to talk too much about yourself and only tell her things that will raise her Interest Level. I shut my mouth and make sure I listen, but if she asks what I think about something and I think my answer will lower Interest Level, I don’t say anything. Should I open up more?”

Doc Love’s first move is to remind the writer that he is always right. He says: “”The System” works all the time on everything. If you missed something in the Dating Dictionary or misinterpreted my techniques, then it’s not a problem with my book; it’s a problem with you. So please don’t say it only works ‘up to a point.’” Wow, way to hit that cocky ball out of the park, Doc Love. You really think you have all the dating answers? There isn’t one single situation in the whole world that the Doc Love “system” might not work for?

I’m really hating this guy already.

He continues to give the man some genius advice about how to communicate with a woman: “When Caprice asks what you think about something, you should always come back with something funny. Kid her about whatever she wants to know. In other words, give her what’s called a ‘non-answer answer.’” Because every woman craves sarcasm and avoidance!

Doc Love’s final conclusion on Syward’s problem is that there is absolutely no saving this relationship: “What should you do? There’s only one thing you can do with Caprice now, Syward: Drop her. Being more open with this girl won’t help because she wants to know it all. Don’t go telling her everything about yourself unless it’s positive.”

I finished this article with a giant WTF!?!? in my head. Doc Love should be telling Syward that his  girlfriend is starting to realize that she doesn’t know anything about him because he’s only telling her some perfectly filtered version of his life, as per Doc Love’s “system.” He should tell this guy that now that his girlfriend is in love with him, it’s OK to open up a bit. Isn’t that the point of a relationship in the first place – to trust someone completely with everything you are? She wants to know the real him, the one who has problems and bad days just like everyone else. She wants to be able to have a normal conversation with him that doesn’t end in sarcasm or belittling her concerns.

The fact that Doc Love tells this guy to simply dump the girl is infuriating. Neither one of these people is going to be happy with that and this advice is relationship suicide for Syward. What girl isn’t going to want to get to know more of him in a relationship? If he keeps up this advice, he’ll be single (and probably lonely) forever.

This kind of advice is the reason men and women have such problems communicating. Letting someone into your life and getting to know them is hard, but it’s especially hard if they’re purposely filtering the version of themselves that they let you see. Maybe Doc Love’s system would work on the first few dates, but by the time the relationship gets serious to be considering marriage (as Syward’s is) it’s time to start being honest with each other.

What do you guys think? Do you know any men that seem to be playing the “system”?

[Every week, CC and John bring you some of the weirdest, funniest, saddest things he hears on his college campus. Join the Overheard revolution!Leave your own overheard convos in the comments or send ‘em over!]

(A girl and her boyfriend at a large restaurant table.)

Girl: He’s really wonderful. He doesn’t speak a lot of English, though. Right, honey? Not so much English?

Boyfriend: *shrug, smile of confusion*

(Sad girl, on the phone.)

Girl: I know. I should really stop dating boys when I realize they’re evil overlords.

(A bunch of people sitting around a campfire.)

Girl 1: Marshmallows are kinda gross, when you think about it.

Girl 2: I think it’s a good kind of gross. Like tiny, edible fat people.

(A cell phone is ringing.)

Girl (answering phone): I’m running circles around you! Say goodbye to your kneecaps, chucklehead!

(Boy, girl, sitting on couches.)

Boy: And what’s really great about Michigan is that you can always take a train from Hartford to Chicago.

Girl: I’m sorry, but what are you talking about?

(In a deserted parking lot at 2 a.m., a guy pokes his head out of a car.)

Guy: Hey… hey! Are you guys eating Taco Bell, too?

(Gym employee greeting a student.)

Employee: All right! The gym! Are you ready to kick some ass?

Student: Um, sorry? Do you need my ID?

Employee: You gotta kick ass, bro!

Student: I don’t know. Sorry.

Employee: Okay, fine, let me see your ID. Go do pilates or whatever.

(Couple at a restaurant.)

Waiter: What can I get you started with?

Guy: Could I just have the bruschetta?

Girl: I’m fine. I don’t eat. I mean, I’m not hungry.

(Two guys in an office.)

Guy 1: Okay. Joke. What’s the most important part of comedy?

Guy 2: Uh, I don’t -

Guy 1: *kicks the guy hard in the shins*

(Two girls, at a lunch table, with sandwiches.)

Girl 1: So… what do you think?

Girl 2 (chewing sandwich): Oh my god.

Girl 1: Teddy Grahams, right?

(Girl, on the phone.)

Girl: Yeah, it’ll be fine, you guys can come over. My dad’s drinking again.

(Two girls, planning… something.)

Girl 1: I think we can do it. We’ll just have to move the ducks.

Girl 2: God. Your brother is such a jerk.

(A couple yelling from across a pond.)

Girl: CAN YOU ALL PLEASE STOP FISHING? I’M TRYING TO GET NAKED IN NATURE!