Question?! Answer: Ask Tuffy Luv.

Dear Tuffy Luv,
I’m a college sophomore girl and I seem to have a major problem with boys — I am CLUELESS when it comes to them! I just got out of a short relationship (actually my first one) and what it made me realize was I gravitate toward guys who express their interest in me FIRST because I feel unworthy of the guys that I have a crush on (like they’re too good for me or something along that line). Now, I have my eye on a new guy right now, but these questions are mainly for any guy I’m interested in, in the future. But as for this guy, I’ve gotten his number and we’ve talked a few times, one of those times being with my roommate and his roommate, and the talks were all pretty short and “meaningless.” Now first of all, if I just simply want to get to know a guy better, how much is too much as far as texting goes and how much should I go up to his room to talk to him (we’re in the same dorm)? I’m really focused on just getting to know him better before I start to dive into something, if it’s there. BUT when/if I do get to the flirting part, HOW DO I DO THAT? How much is too much?

Sincerely,

Boy-Inept

Dear Boy-Inept,

Honey, I’m gonna be honest with you: I think you’re just chicken. Texting?! OMG. How NOT effective can you be. No! Girl!!! Go to his room once. Ask him if he wants to grab coffee. And THAT’S how it’s done. Confident. Cool. Fun. THAT’S what guys like. And you can so be those things. It’s all about working up the courage. Anyone can do it. So listen up, the rest of youse:

(1) Decide on a day and time you will make your (very casual) move.
(2) An hour before you do it, have a dance party by yourself. Put on your favorite music and dance that shoop out.
(3) A half hour before, get dressed and spray yourself with perfume. No changing.
(4) Five minutes before, look yourself in the eye in a big mirror and say eight times out loud: “I am awesome.”
(5) Go say hi to him and ask him if he wants to grab coffee.

Wow. So easy. You can totally do this.

Because, like, what’s coffee?! Chances are, he wants to hang out with you ANYWAY. But no matter what, it’s a totally tiny commitment. And once you have coffee with him, you’ll know if you’re even interested in trying again. It’s so win-win I could vom.

I’m rooting for you, girl.

Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv

Dear Tuffy Luv,

I love the advice you give and right now I’m in need of some if you don’t mind.

My boyfriend of 5 months broke up with me about 3 weeks ago after sitting me down and saying that he wasn’t ready to commit and that he felt as if he wanted to be alone. I didn’t agree with the breakup but I told him that I supported his decision. We decided to remain friends despite everything and I’m totally fine with that.

This past weekend, we took a trip with some mutual friends to Miami. It was supposed to be a little romantic getaway for couples when it was planned, but it wasn’t since we broke up beforehand.

Once we were in Miami, he operated as a single guy and damn near ignored me while we were there.

When we broke up, he said that he wanted me to still be in his life and was completely honest with me about everything. I still want him around as a friend, but I’m so confused. What should I do?

Miami Hopeful

Dear Miami Hopeful,

Well, you should accept it.

I mean, he told you he was breaking up with you. You understood it. You agreed that you were broken up (even if you didn’t want to be). So why would he PRETEND to still be with you when you were in Miami?! This, girl, is a case of wishful thinking. You were hoping Miami would turn things around, or at the very least you could have a romantic time in spite of everything. But it sounds like he was pretty clear with you that you were no longer a couple.

Friends is…unlikely. But actually, the fact that you were both still able to go on the trip makes it seem possible.

I mean — what do you want from him? He’s being true to his word: he’s keeping you in his life, but he is no longer dating you. Sounds like he did everything he said. He’s been quite upfront. So you have to let go now, yes?! YOU GUYS ARE BROKEN UP. What are you confused about?! He acted like a single guy, because he IS a single guy.

Clearly your feelings were hurt by this. But he was totally upfront with you. So, honestly, that’s not on him.

Look, if I were you, honey, I wouldn’t talk to him for a while. You need a break so you can remember that you don’t need him and that, hey, sometimes 5-month relationships end. When you’re feeling okay about this, then you can try to be casual friends. But I really think that’s the best you can hope for. He’s made his position pretty clear.

Hearts & Skulls,

Tuffy Luv

Question?! Answer: Ask Tuffy Luv.

Unfortunately, when it comes to girls there is no “She’s Just Not That Into You” book to prepare you for the art of the pick-up. The first impression can make or break you, and you certainly don’t want to embarrass yourself (or, worse yet, bruise that fragile male ego) by going after a girl who just isn’t interested. Don’t push too hard for a girl unless you are sure she wants it, and take it from me — if a woman likes you, you’ll know it.

Here’s how to tell:

1. We sneak a peak at you whenever possible. Most of us ladies don’t want to make it too obvious, so we’ll secretly stare at you. Whether it be from behind a computer in the library or from behind a book in class. Chances are, if we dig you, we’ll be trying to catch a glimpse of all you have to offer. If you just so happen to catch us, we’ll turn away as quickly as you can say 1-2-3.

2. We “bump” into you on the dance floor. We’ll take note of where you are dancing and slowly relocate our group closer to yours. Then, we just might drop it down low (low low low) and “accidentally” bump into you, just to catch your attention.

3. We are very interested in hearing you about talk about you. We love eavesdropping in your conversations and listening to what you have to say — especially when you are talking about yourself. Telling your buddy about the touchdown you scored at your football game on Friday? We can’t get enough! If you are standing next to us at the bar, we might even join in the conversation!

4. We laugh at your jokes. Even if they aren’t funny. Let me be the first to tell you, nine times out of ten, you aren’t funny — even when you try. But if we like you, we will still belt out a laugh for you — even when everyone else around remains silent.

5. We compliment you. While we won’t come out and say we’re into you, we give subtle hints by throwing compliments your way. Compliments like “nice shirt,” or “hey, you look great in green,” mean we think you look good. But when we lean in with an “Omigoddd, you smell so good! What are you wearing?” that means we want to get closer to you.

If we do two or more of these, we are definitely diggin’ you, so if you’re diggin’ us too, come make conversation! We’ve been waiting!

Recently, a few of my friends and I got into a bit of a disagreement over who pays on a date. Although a few people agreed with me that if the relationship is long-term, the couple should split the costs for practical reasons (after all, especially if you’re on a college budget, it’s hard to bear the burden of all expenses), the overall consensus was that the guy should always pay at first. Some said the first date, some the first three dates, and others advocated up to the first year. My friends argued that if he’s trying to win the girl over, this is the way to do it. Some even joked that it was payment in exchange for what they hoped would be a different type of payment later on.

Personally, I’m still in disagreement with the others on this one. The idea of letting anyone pay for me is just. . . wrong. It makes me feel uncomfortable and goes against every fiber of my feminist being. I’m a strong, self-sufficient woman; I work and take care of my own personal expenses, so why should I have a guy do it for me? And, even more to the point, why should I allow him to pay for me if I can’t pay for him? If we’re going for equality, then why is he footing the bill every time?

At the same time, I can see my friends’ point: the way our society functions, refusing to let a guy pay is usually a girl’s way of expressing disinterest. Social protocol practically dictates that if you like the guy, you let him pay.

Which, to me anyway, is a little twisted.

It’s not just paying though. There are plenty of cases in which being a feminist – or even just embracing feminist ideologies – makes things all the more difficult to figure out. We all know the whole career versus family scenario; since the woman’s place used to be the home, now that we’re in the workforce we’re always trying to balance both. But what about life goals and focuses, especially in college?

The two things that seem to dominate my life, my thoughts, and my conversations are school and boys. Everything is about one thing or the other. But the former always takes priority – it has to, right? We’re in college for education and a chance at our dream careers first, and romance second. That’s why so many people I know are so upset over a friend of mine choosing to graduate early and just work until her boyfriend’s business has taken off so she can become a wife and woman of leisure. She’s throwing away her entire potential for a guy and an old-fashioned idea that women are defined in society by their husbands’ successes rather than their own.

But, on the other hand, she’s not constantly talking herself out of liking a guy or making a move. Another friend and I have been talking about how she needs to hold off on figuring out her guy issues until after her MCAT. And yeah, that’s a life-directing test, but I’ve put off confronting a guy until after my debate competition, after a paper, after an exam- there’s always something academic to justify why dealing with romantic problems has to wait. And wait. Because school always comes first, should always be the focus, and I should never, ever let a boy sway my focus. On anything. Not even the optional one-paragraph writing assignment for the class in which I’m pulling an A.

Part of it, obviously, is the drive to do well. But part of it is also a reflection of the roots of that family versus career conundrum. You want to have the success and happiness that women fought for- and that you genuinely want and have worked for- but you can’t figure out how to balance that with the hormones and the simple desire to have someone in your life. Anytime you start to focus on guys, it feels like you’re sacrificing part of yourself, of your work. But how much are we sacrificing for this idea that career is everything?

Don’t get me wrong- I work hard, and I have a strong sense of where I want to be in five years. I have a career and a life all planned out. I want to work in international human rights, travel, save the world and the people living in it. But I can’t, for the life of me, figure out where a guy would fit in. And even now in college, I have my classes, my thesis, a job, clubs, projects- things that will help me achieve. But at what cost? I feel like I’ve been so worried about betraying my feminist ideologies that I’ve purposely pushed any chance at romance not just to the backseat, but hanging out of the trunk.

And sure, even if I were to make concessions I’d still have issues letting a guy pay for me. But does it really have to be that strict of a trade-off? Or is there a balance we’re just not seeing?

[This story was originally posted by Rachael - University of Miami.]

We have known each other for more than half of our lives, which means we have witnessed every awkward haircut and change in screen name, and all the different breaks: the skin breakout, the family breakdown, the bitter breakup, the agonizing heartbreak. She was there to get me tissues when I teared up in class after a run-in with my ex-boyfriend in the hallway. I came to her house with pint of Chunky Monkey after she found out her crush was moving to Missouri.

This winter break, we came together in my parents’ kitchen and laughed over how painful those minor heartbreaks felt at the time, and how silly they seem in retrospect. My ex-boyfriend is still wandering the high school hallways, working on graduating, and her crush in Missouri now plays for the other team.

Acting on a playful indulgence, or maybe something deeper, we recalled and wrote down, one by one, each of our boyfriends and sort-of-boyfriends and barely-boyfriends. There was the impulsive artist who said “I love you” and took it back the next day, the emaciated poet who found someone new in less time than it takes for milk to curdle, the detached engineer who introduced me as his “friend,” the gargantuan football player who had a thing for feet. We relied on each other to fill in lacunae of our romantic memory—the men we tried to forget, the boys we had actually forgotten. The historic exercise took us all the way back to our middle school mini-romances, where things got blurry, and our hair was a lot frizzier.

The last boy on my list was Sam, whom I had a crush on in the 3^rd grade because of his budding chivalry: he agreed to trade his pizza school lunch for my lifeless PB&J. The next day, he asked for his pizza back, and I cried and told him I had already eaten it.

We looked over our lists, comparing notes. She reminded me to add the Indian guy who told me kissing his ex-girlfriend was like “kissing my mother.” She crossed out the boy in 8^th grade who would only talk to her on his GuitarBoy555 screen name, because neither of us could remember his real name.

Needless to say, we noticed some alarming similarities. There were so many a**holes, sleazebags, and dunces. And worse, there were so many blinding red lights, where we should have run—so fast and so far that we never looked back. But we didn’t. We stayed, again and again. How could we have been so stupid as to stay? Or more importantly, how could we have let each other?

I admitted to her then that I always thought her last boyfriend was an idiot, and she told me she always thought mine was a loser. But we loved each other too much to say anything. So we said things like, “I’m happy if you are!” It’s the romantic equivalent of trying on a dress and your friend telling you, “I don’t think I could pull that off, but you totally could!”

I know Shakespeare says love is blind, but he never said anything about our best friends. What about their eyes? They can still see. If we had only been upfront with each other, there would have been no pain, no mistakes, no “WTF” relationships that in retrospect feel like a drunken dream, years lost and Friday nights ruined.

But that’s when we realized; we would never get back that time, and we didn’t want to, either. We needed to learn for ourselves, sometimes more than once. We need to make our own mistakes. “Duh” from a best friend won’t cut it, because the things we wished we had known, we somehow manage to forget again. My best friend knows me better than anyone else, but she doesn’t know me better than I know myself. In the end, it’s my heart, not hers, that’s on the line. I will always value her opinion, but I could never break up with a guy just because she told me to. She would never tell me, either, because it’s up for me to decide.

When we are in bad relationships, we think that we see things no one else can, that no one understands a relationship except the two people in it, that we are the ultimate exception. I remember when a boyfriend from high school and I decided to stay together our freshman year of college, even though our schools were five hours apart. A friend of his mother’s told us, as he poured congratulatory wine into our glasses, “just give it til’ Thanksgiving.” We were outraged. We were different. We could do it. And, in fact, we did make it past Thanksgiving, but not by much. But still, we needed to try it first.

That is where our true friends come in – not to tell us “I told you so” when we lose the race, or make us give up completely – but to be there at the side line, no matter what, with water (or a tub of ice-cream) in hand.

Chivalry.

Right. So what are you thinking? Knights and ladies? Castles? Old school gentleman? Do you even know what chivalry is? Why am I playing the word association game with you? Well, I’ll tell you. A few days ago, The Frisky did this great post on what exactly it means to be chivalrous in today’s world and what it means to be a gentleman. Is it an outdated concept? Does it encourage stereotypical gender roles? Is chivalry dead, and if it’s not, should it be?

Obviously, this got me thinking all sorts of things about girls wearing hoop skirts and guys opening doors, and then, further back in time to Heath Ledger knights in armor and what I would look like in one of those peasanty gowns with super long hair…but I digress. The point is I started thinking about chivalry, but as often as I’ve heard about chivalry and as much as I’ve talked about if I couldn’t quite come up with a definition. So the natural researcher that I am, I looked it up. On Urban Dictionary. And the results, well, I wouldn’t so much call them helpful as I would eye opening. There were two pages worth of definitions which ranged from “is dead” to “an idea developed by Queen Eleanor of England” to “Women killed it. They don’t like when we are nice to them anymore.” Granted there were some more appropriate definitions, but for the most part that was pretty much it.

And that pretty much sums up the state of chivalry for us college girls these days, too. Gentleman don’t exist. In the 1950s chivalry meant opening doors for girls, carrying their books, standing when they entered a room, taking their coats, or giving  them compliments that don’t sound like they were stolen from an Usher song.

But now, when a guy lets you spend the night? That’s chivalrous. When he takes you out to dinner instead of to the dining hall? He’s being a gentleman. When a guy takes you on a real date as opposed to hanging out in his door room? That’s chivalrous. When he puts on pants without an elastic waistband and a shirt that has button’s down the front?  If he pays for your dinner or your coffee or picks you up for a date? Watch out. I just might swoon.

Because let’s face it, more often than not, guys just don’t need to be chivalrous because they have more options than we do. They don’t need to be “gentleman” because we out number them. I know on my campus the number of girls is way higher than the number of guys, and I could be wrong, but I think I remember reading somewhere that in general, there are more girls in college these days than guys. So if that’s the case guys can just do as these please, and if the girl they’re interested in is interested in chivalry, well they can just find another girl who isn’t so interested in it. So yes, if a guy asks me to grab coffee after class rather than propositioning me at a party it’s a big deal. In my eyes, he’s a gentleman.

And that might mean that on college campuses chivalry has a different definition than it did in the way back when, and a different definition than the one it has in the real world today, but I still think that underneath it all there should be a few unifying factors amongst the differing worlds of chivalry, amongst the way in which men should treat women. One urban dictionary contributor defined chivalry as courtesy and respect for women, and I think that is as great a unifying factor as anyone could hope for. Because whether guys show it by buying their girl a beer, or carrying her books, or saving her a seat in the dining hall women should be respected and appreciated, no matter what era we’re living in.

And if I get a few free meals out of it then so be it.

So in case you think you’re the only one with confused parents (why don’t you just pick up the phone and call her! Why do you always have to text everyone!?), this list will help you to see that you’re not the only constantly having to justify to your parents that slapping a bag of boxed wine is a fine way to spend a Saturday night.

1. We drink like champions

Let me just start by saying, parents will NEVER UNDERSTAND why college kids drink so much. I think we can all say that it’s a fun thing to do, a great way to meet people, and an easy way to break the ice with the cute guy across the room. Yet parents will always wonder if a kegstand is actually safe and why taping cheap beer to your hands is fun. Just accept the fact that no matter how many times you try to explain the rules of Beer Pong, parents will think that package of ping pong balls in your room is because you and your friends reaaally got into ping pong this past summer.

2. Hungry? Let’s Order Pizza!

If you didn’t make it to the dining hall before it closed or ran out of pasta to make at your apartment, pizza is usually the first thing to come to mind. Parents don’t understand that it completely normal to order pizza seven nights a week without even peeking inside the fridge. Healthy eating doesn’t really exist in college. Sure we go to the gym and sure we sometimes make sure to order chicken AND BROCCOLI from the Chinese place, but we rarely pull out the food pyramid and consult it.

3. Dating? What’s that?

Our parents grew up in an era when men held the door open for women and automatically picked up the check at a restaurant. In this day and age, they are shocked to find out that you met a hot guy at a party a few weekends ago, but have only texted back and forth a few times. The extent of a date is a swipe into the dining hall — and if you are really getting crazy maybe a movie back at the dorm while your roommate is blasting music/studying/bbming. Personally, I’m good with the random make out sessions on the weekends; the dating can wait until after college when guys are more interested in dating than how many beers they can chug in 2 minutes.

4. Hey dad? So I kind of need some money…

As we all know, everything costs money and sometimes parents don’t understand what we’re doing with that $500 they put in the bank account at the beginning of the semester. Let’s face it, college is expensive and if you ARE ordering that pizza all the time you probably will need a constant influx of money from your parents. Yet, in case your parents are stubborn, I usually just tell them I’ll pay them back in full when I become rich and famous. Gets them every time!

5. School > Home

When college kids go home for breaks or vacations, parents are usually the ones that are more excited than the students. Coming home means having an actual curfew. And worse than the curfew, it means actually sleeping alone, like no inviting your former high school flame to spend the night. They’ll never understand why you’re so excited to go back to school, nor will they ever get why we sit on the couch for our entire break watching horrible TV,  with our laptops on our lap, videochatting with all our college friends.

What about you? What are you constantly trying to explain to the parental units?

As girls, there’s one itty bitty thing that got screwed up in our chromosomes.  Any time we see a slightly attractive male we automatically throw ourselves in their direction like a piece of freakin’ meat.  We instantly get big, googly eyes, say things that we should be keeping to ourselves, and completely freak the eff out our potential soul mate.

It’s hard to remember that guys, unlike us, aren’t very complicated specimens. They typically have one thing running through their minds when they meet us (hint: it starts with an “s” and ends in “ex”), while we already have the wedding and future children’s names picked out by the time introductions are over.

We’re hopeless.  Hopeless romantics, that is.  We want a love like “The Notebook,” but it usually ends up looking more like “How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days”…without the happily ever after.

Let’s not let Matthew McConaughey’s beautifully sculpted abs get away from us this time.  No, don’t tie your man down and lock him in your closet (unless he’s into that sort of thing).  All you have to do is avoid scaring him away. Easy, right?

Here are four things you should avoid if you want your happily ever after.

The Inevitable “Too Much, Too Soon” Question of Doom. “Where do you see us going?” I just messed up on this one too so don’t feel like you’re the only one. Everything may be “X’s and O’s” before you pop the question but it’s all down-hill from there.  For some reason, guys don’t like the “C” word.  No, not that.  They love that. We’re talking about commitment here, people.  Even thinking about the word will send him sprinting for the door.  Live in the moment and enjoy being together.  You’ll eventually get to change your relationship status on Facebook, but until then, keep your mouth shut.

You’re Clingier Than Saran Wrap. You need to stop the urge to be with your boy 24/7.  If you’re constantly texting him “I miss you” anytime you’re away from him or stalking him from outside his bushes at night, you’ve gone too far.  You have to actually give him a chance to miss you.  If you don’t, he’s going to feel like he’s trapped. They will come back if you keep your distance— I promise.

Me, Me, Me. Yes, you’re pretty great, and obviously he already knows that if he’s on a date with you. That means you don’t need to tell him about all those cross country trophies you’ve got, a detailed run down of the drama in your family, or one-up everything he says with something fantastic about you. Try asking him a few questions.  Guys love talking about themselves and knowing that a girl is interested in knowing about them. There will be a time to tell him everything about you but that time doesn’t need to be now. At the bar. When you’ve just met him ten minutes ago.

Facebook Stalker. The biggest mistake of all time can be avoided by simply limiting the amount of time you spend creeping on Facebook.  Do not make a picture of you two lovebirds your profile picture before he does.  Do not wall rape him (a.k.a. fill up his whole entire wall with embarrassing posts), and don’t change your status to anything with his name in it before you’re sure things are official.  Especially do not, I repeat DO NOT, add any of his ex-girlfriends. That’s just creepy with a capital “CREEP.”

These points are the big no-no’s that can make or break a relationship.  You’re probably reading them thinking “I would never do anything like that!”…but just wait, you will.  All I ask of you is to make sure you have your man wrapped around your finger before you set your inner-freak free.  Then, and only then, will he love you for it.

I’m pretty sure most of us have made peace with this heartbreaking reality, and they really should too.

This month is Glamour’s 20th anniversary of their “Women of the Year” celebration, which you may think means a much heavier emphasis on the women who are setting the world on fire…and, yes, that’s true, if by “much heavier,” you mean “about 10 pages worth of footage.” Because heaven forbid we take a prolonged break from discussing the latest trends in red lipstick or the return of the side ponytail or trying to decipher the stupid signals dudes send us.

(Actually, I’m glad they didn’t, because then what would I write about?)

For an issue that is supposed to be inspiring women, I was feeling pretty dejected reading through it. Glamour made me feel skanky (by declaring leather leggings a “don’t, unless you’re Lindsay Lohan”), unhygienic (did you know you’re supposed to give fruit not just a water rinse-off, but a VINEGAR rinse too?), and sexually unadventurous (because I have no desire to try tantric sex).

And then I came across an article that was so absurd that I had no choice but to feel a lot better about myself because at least I’m not clueless enough to take this advice seriously.

“Five Sexy Texts You Won’t Regret in the Morning“

To the new guy you made out with for 27 minutes last night:
Glamour says:: “Invested in some lip balm. U need some? Happy to share.”
Jasmine says: My inner grammar-nerd is dying at the substitution of “u” for “you.” But besides that, if you only made out for a guy for less than half an hour (and you actually clocked it to the exact minute), then I’m thinking the make out wasn’t that great, and the last thing you need to do is encourage more chapped-lip inducing shenanigans.

To your boyfriend who’s at a work party.
Glamour says: “Have fun 2nite. Afterparty @ my place?”
Jasmine says: This text reads like such a douche-bro text. Like something any of the oh-so-charming guys from The Hills would send to LC and co. Not cute. What’s wrong with a classic, “Can’t wait to see you tonight [insert cutesy emoticon of your choice here]“?

To your guy whose football team just lost
Glamour says: “Sorry re: the game. U might score l8r 2nite tho…”
Jasmine says: If you’re old enough to be sexting, I think you’re also old enough to come up with something more clever than a played out sportsy metaphor for sex.

To the man who needs cheering up
Glamour says:: “Pictured u naked during mtg. Boss asked why u smiling.”
Jasmine says: Men actually have feelings that extend beyond sex. Maybe to cheer your boy up, compliment his character?

To the significant other who’s working late
Glamour says: “Getting in bath. Will u b home 2 towel me off or should I drip dry?”
Jasmine says: I’m all for late-night sexy times, but if you know your boo having a long day, why not cater to him first? Wait for him to get home to take a bath together and towel each other off? Or is that too considerate?

Question? Answer: TuffyLuv@collegecandy.com

Dear Tuffy Luv,
I am currently a single freshman girl in college.  Coming to college, there was a ton of stuff to be excited about.  But like most single freshman girls I had one things on my mind: COLLEGE BOYS.  I came here with the mentality that I was going to meet a bunch of boys, have some fun, and just play the field.  While that plan worked flawlessly for a while, I have now found myself in a rather sticky situation.

I was talking to a boy all summer long, and I really started to like him.  Over summer he was in a different state, so we could only communicate electronically. He goes to a private school in the same town as my university, so naturally in the fall we started hanging out all the time.  I was really starting to like this boy, and so I decided to ask him to accompany me to my sister’s wedding.  My family loved him and we had a great time, but after the wedding my feelings for him kind of started dwindling.  I texted him a little less and made our sleepovers a lot less frequent.

All the while, I had other boys on the side.  Cute boy in my building, boy from out of town, boy from the gym (I’m still single after all). So my point is that even when I really liked this boy, he wasn’t the only one in my life.

So jump to a few weeks later, when the fire alarm in the library goes off.  All of us studious college kids had to pack up our things and stand outside the lib until they let us back in.  While standing outside, this very cute boy starts talking to me.  We get caught up in conversation and eventually realize we have one of the same classes, which sparks an exchange of phone numbers.

After our first encounter and number exchange, we start hanging out quite a bit.  And the weirdest thing happens; I have NO desire to hangout with or hookup with any of those other sideline boys.

The problem is that I do not now how to handle the boys that I have left in the dust.  Summer boy is the hardest, because although I’ve told him I need space, I haven’t told him about the library boy (who has all of my attention and affections).  I don’t want to hurt his feelings because I know he’s still really into me, and I also don’t want to lose him as a friend. So I have basically been ignoring him, and that’s not right.  Another problem: what if library boy screws me over and I’ve burned bridges with all the old boys?  Tuffy, I just don’t know what  to do… HELP ME !

Always,
The Overwhelmed Freshman

Dear Freshman,

This email really rubs Tuffy the wrong way.

Flighty flighty flighty. Which, actually, at your age, is fine. You are more than free to date as many guys as you want.

But worrying about dating this guy you actually*[see next paragraph] like just because you worry that you’ll have “burned bridges with all the old boys” is really The Skank. These are PEOPLE, sweetheart. They are not toys you can put on the shelf till you’re ready to play with them again. These are real live individuals who may want to get on with their own lives if they’re given the decency of being told you’ve lost interest.

*[How the hell do you know you actually like this guy?! GEEZ. You thought you actually liked that summer guy too! I mean--BLARG!!!]

Okay, maybe Aunt Tuffy is being a little harsh. I get it. You want to play around, but now you’re ready to be in a relationship for a while. Totally cool. By all means, hang out with Library Boy to your little heart’s content.

However, you then DEFINITELY have to tell Summer Boy. Summer Boy is so into you or whatever you said, okay?! And there’s nothing wrong with him; your feelings have just cooled. So why the floop are you stringing him along?! Tell him you just want to be friends, or tell him you’ve moved on. One or the other. You can’t keep letting this poor guy, who has been nothing but sweet to you, think he’s got a chance when you’re off chewing cud in greener pastures.

And as for the other guys–who gives a shoop?! YOU certainly don’t!!! Send them a text or something saying “I’m seeing someone.” SO not a big deal, but you ought to let them know. You know, out of common courtesy.

Speaking of which, I just hope to shoop that Summer Boy knew about Various Side Boys. Because it is REALLLLLY flooped up of you if he didn’t. And, frankly, you kind of make it sound like he didn’t, especially since you can’t even think of how to tell him about Library Boy now.

I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again (and again and again and again, apparently): IT IS ABSOLUTELY FINE TO DATE LOTS OF PEOPLE, BUT ONLY IF THEY ALL KNOW ABOUT IT.

And ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS use condoms!!!!!!! The more partners you have, the more at risk you are and the more risk you put on any other partners present and future. USE CONDOMS. Look, Freshman. Do everyone a favor. Break it off clean with all your past flings, including Summer Boy, and move forward and have a nice and honest relationship with Library Boy. Don’t be a jerk. Boys are people too.

Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv

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