A relationship often requires a bit of sacrifice and a lot of compromise. We all have to learn to accept and roll with aspects of our partner, or his/her life, that we don’t always understand or necessarily agree with. That’s called maturity, right? And building intimacy? I think…Now, those things aside there comes a point where you might just need to say “Hell no!” and walk off into the freedom of singledom again. Here are 11 things that no woman should ever put up with in a relationship…

initiating the gallery...

There you have 11 things that no woman should ever put up with in a relationship. Some more severe than others, perhaps. And I’ll admit to a bit of personal bias on a few of them. My question to you, ladies, is which of these HAVE you put up with in the past? Which haven’t you? What are your deal breakers? What are your big no-no’s? Spill all in the comments below and let’s making this a learning experience for everyone. Silence need not fall.

Handling the truth,

The Dude

I’m the Dude with a blue box called the Tardis that allows me to explore the ends of time and space-wait that’s another guy with a ‘D’ sounding name isn’t it? Better than that, I’m a Dude that knows the inner workings of Dudes and I’m ready to spill all, whether you’re ready or not. Send your question over to askthedude [at] collegecandy [dot] com.

Dear Tuffy Luv,

I love the advice you give and right now I’m in need of some if you don’t mind.

My boyfriend of 5 months broke up with me about 3 weeks ago after sitting me down and saying that he wasn’t ready to commit and that he felt as if he wanted to be alone. I didn’t agree with the breakup but I told him that I supported his decision. We decided to remain friends despite everything and I’m totally fine with that.

This past weekend, we took a trip with some mutual friends to Miami. It was supposed to be a little romantic getaway for couples when it was planned, but it wasn’t since we broke up beforehand.

Once we were in Miami, he operated as a single guy and damn near ignored me while we were there.

When we broke up, he said that he wanted me to still be in his life and was completely honest with me about everything. I still want him around as a friend, but I’m so confused. What should I do?

Miami Hopeful

Dear Miami Hopeful,

Well, you should accept it.

I mean, he told you he was breaking up with you. You understood it. You agreed that you were broken up (even if you didn’t want to be). So why would he PRETEND to still be with you when you were in Miami?! This, girl, is a case of wishful thinking. You were hoping Miami would turn things around, or at the very least you could have a romantic time in spite of everything. But it sounds like he was pretty clear with you that you were no longer a couple.

Friends is…unlikely. But actually, the fact that you were both still able to go on the trip makes it seem possible.

I mean — what do you want from him? He’s being true to his word: he’s keeping you in his life, but he is no longer dating you. Sounds like he did everything he said. He’s been quite upfront. So you have to let go now, yes?! YOU GUYS ARE BROKEN UP. What are you confused about?! He acted like a single guy, because he IS a single guy.

Clearly your feelings were hurt by this. But he was totally upfront with you. So, honestly, that’s not on him.

Look, if I were you, honey, I wouldn’t talk to him for a while. You need a break so you can remember that you don’t need him and that, hey, sometimes 5-month relationships end. When you’re feeling okay about this, then you can try to be casual friends. But I really think that’s the best you can hope for. He’s made his position pretty clear.

Hearts & Skulls,

Tuffy Luv

Question?! Answer: Ask Tuffy Luv.

Question?! Answer: Ask Tuffy Luv.

Dear Tuffy Luv,
I’ve been reading your column all day long and I found myself agreeing with every bit of advice you have given and couldn’t pass up the opportunity to hear your insight on my own relationship. I’m a bit of a late bloomer when it comes to relationships, I didn’t have my first kiss or date till 19, after two very short relationships I found myself turning 21 in November and in a 7 month relationship with a guy I love very much.

I had always told myself I would wait until marriage to sleep with a guy but I found myself so very much in love and couldn’t see myself ever being with anyone else so I gave in about 4.5 months into the relationship. We had our ups and downs, at the beginning of the relationship he got kicked out of his dad’s house and had to live with some friends. Long story short, I stood by him through everything, motivated him to quit smoking marijuana, I dealt with a lot of his mood swings and anger when he was trying to quit smoking cigarettes, I gave him driving lessons and let him use my car to finally get his driver’s license, bought him groceries when he had nothing to eat when he got kicked out, gave him rides, had my brother fix up his old bike so my bf had something to ride to school so he could get his GED, and applied to a lot of jobs for him so he could upgrade from part time to full time when his laptop was stolen and he couldn’t do it himself, and I encouraged him to talk things through with his dad so he could live at home again. Needless to say, I have done my best to motivate him to be the best person he could be and he has shown a lot of gratitude for that.

I am currently a university student and have stressed to him the importance of a good education and he said he agrees with me, that he’s always wanted to be back in school and set his life straight and he couldn’t have done it without me. I am truly in love with this guy, he’s a year younger than me and my parents worry I’ve become more of a mother figure than a girlfriend and they say that it’ll never work out because I’m trying to turn him into something he’s not. But I’m turning the other cheek and telling myself I’m not pushing him into becoming something he doesn’t want to be, because even though I have to nag him and lecture him in time about growing up and taking care of responsibilities, he says he’s extremely grateful and does want the same things as I do in the future.

I was willing to pick him up every time he has fallen, even early on in the relationship, he was my first and only love. Things were really going great and I saw he was really on the right path in life, we even talked about moving in together next summer once I get my bachelor’s degree and he made it clear he wanted to marry me some day. I was extremely excited about hearing him talk about how I was the love of his life and how he couldn’t wait for our future together.

He has told me that I should never worry about any other girls, especially exes, because with them it was just sex without feeling, that I am the first girl he’s ever been so deeply in love with and that when we are intimate, we are making love and it means so much more. I do believe him when he says that, because he sounds so genuine and I just can’t believe someone can be playing a game 24/7. I know it’s only been 7 months, but we see one another on a daily basis, unless I have too much school work going on and he is understanding of that, and if we are not physically together, we are on the phone or texting, we send about 15,000 texts to one another monthly, so he can’t really even have time for an affair!

Then one day, he mentions his favorite number and something about passwords and in the evening while he’s at work, I open my computer and am able to guess his facebook password (I know it was wrong, but I have jealousy issues because he had slept with 6 other girls before me, and I worry that being with just me isn’t enough). And to my absolute horror, I find some old facebook chat logs saved from a girl named Desiree. I knew of her because once when we were hanging out this Desiree texts my bf saying “omg just got caught having sex, sooo embarrassing,” so I ask my bf why she would send a text involving something so personal to a guy in a relationship, he said it was really weird she would do that and he doesn’t respond. So back to the messages I find on fb, I find out he tells this girl (who he has called a slut previously to me in conversation) intimate details of our relationship. Now losing my virginity before marriage was a very emotional thing for me. I was raised quite conservatively and really struggled figuring out what I really wanted to do. So we started out slow, and then a few months in started fooling around, touching, etc (not to get too graphic!), and then fooling around naked but not the actual act of sex itself, which I’m sure was torture for him but I was too scared I would end up having sex, getting so attached and then heart broken. My biggest fear was to get a bad reputation, we knew a lot of the same people, and it would be beyond devastating to know that the guy I lost my virginity to would talk about me behind my back and call me a whore.

Back to the messages though! He complains to Desiree that he thinks him and I are going to break up, and we were going through a rough patch, and when she asks why he explains he accidentally popped my cherry while we were fooling around partially naked and that I was very upset about it, then Desiree says that is a stupid reason to be upset, and to my dismay, my bf writes “why can’t a girl just f**k and be happy about it?” At this point I am in tears and can barely breathe, I begged him to swear to never tell anyone about our intimacy, his good friends were friends of my friends and I would die if word got around about me doing certain things, and frankly, that’s extremely personal and I don’t need people knowing those things for obvious reasons. And he swore he would never do such a thing, I truly begged him not to, and I trusted he would never do such a thing, I trusted him with my life. Then I read on, and a little while later they talk again and she asks if him and I have “banged” yet and he says “yup” and then he complains that I “want to do it ALL the time >.>” which was another crushing blow, I was obviously very self conscious about my sex life, seeing as I didn’t have any experience, it was something new and exciting for me, and I loved experiencing a physical connection with my bf, I loved him and he loved me.

Then Desiree says I’m like that because I’m probably immature, he says “you know me, I like sex, but not THAT often”, at this point my temperature and fever are skyrocketing, I had mono at the time and this shock made me go into a very bad fever and break into a horrible rash and vomit, just as I was starting to get better. Then they start flirting, she says she apologizes about stringing him along a while ago (before him and I got together), that she was on medication and not herself, then he goes on to say “but what you and I had was real, right?” and she says “I did like you”, and he says “ok, just making sure” and then she goes on to say “we shouldn’t talk like that, you’re gf wouldn’t like it”. Then he agrees and she has the gross woman balls to say “don’t be mad because you’ll always want my nuts” and he doesn’t deny anything, and she mentions to him “the fact that you’ll always want me even though you have a gf” and he says “don’t rub it in”. She tells him “your gf is pretty, but not as pretty as me” and he says “of course not” (which he later said was a completely sarcastic remark, really doesn’t seem like it, but ok…) The conversation basically ends, and she says “text me when you can” and he says “ok” and that’s the end of that. I also find a message from a girl (who he claimed used to like him, and he only has her as a friend on fb because he feels bad for her and she just got out of rehab, I find her posting on a friend’s wall saying “you, me, and ___ (my bf) are so going to California Burgers!” and the friend says “definitely!” I ask my bf about it and he says he knows nothing about it and isn’t gonna go so it didn’t matter so I said fine), I see a message in his inbox of her asking if he and their two friends (his best friend and his gf) could go to California burgers and that she misses him, he says “miss you too, and sure” (when I confront him about that he said he didn’t want to make her any more depressed and relapse so he didn’t want to be a jerk and say no even though he had no intention of going and never did, but why lie!???? I would have accepted that answer!).

After reading all of this I’m having a huge panic attack and my world has gone up in flames, I text him to “never *bleeping* contact me again, we’re through”, even though he was at work, he called me right away, and was asking what was wrong and I told him I caught him cheating when I broke into his fb, he burst into tears saying he had no idea what I was talking about and I told him about the conversation and he was very confused (having no idea the chat log was saved by fb), I told him how disgusted I was with him and how he completely broke my trust by swearing to me and lying, and told some whore the intimate details of our relationship and how sick he made me, and that he broke my heart. This made him burst into tears, he said he would explain things to me once he finally realized/remembered what conversation I must have read (mind you, these were two separate conversations I read, one four months into the relationship, the other 5 months). He said he had to get back to work after talking for a few minutes, I could hear his managers in the background, and he begged me to talk to him when he was off, I hung up. He called about five times after work when I finally picked up and read, word for word the conversation. He said he was in a horrible place then, that he was truly, truly sorry, that he thought we were going to break up because we were fooling around a lot, pushing a lot of my limits and I got very angry and upset when it came to me losing my virginity, and I agree I was an emotional wreck at the time (and we were in bad times in our relationship when he talked to her). We talked for about 5 hours on the phone, he was crying hysterically, he said he was having very bad withdrawals from not smoking cigarettes or weed and said those things out of anger and was in a horrible place, but denied cheating on me. However, I told him it was indeed emotional cheating and just as bad in my book. Then
he threw up a few times, and could tell he was extremely scared of losing me and ruining the relationship through his actions.

He confessed a few weeks ago that Desiree talked to him again, and started saying bad things about me, and that he should break up with me and get with her, he said she said very horrible things about me, he was very angry, told her off, and deleted her off fb once and for all. Even though he in a sense fixed the situation by himself, that didn’t change the fact that the only reason she had anything bad to say about me, was because he portrayed me as such a bad person to her, he didn’t tell her how much I have helped him, he was just venting about me, and made me seem just awful. He continually denied that it was cheating, that he was extremely ashamed and that I never deserved being talked about like that, and was truly truly sorry. But I told him he broke my heart, which he really did, and I couldn’t trust him anymore. I also said that she wouldn’t have come on to him if he didn’t give her such clear signals before.

We texted a lot during the day, me telling him how much he hurt me and him apologizing, we spoke on the phone for three nights in a row, each conversation lasting around 5-6 hours, most of him crying and throwing up and me crying too. We met up face to face and he swore he would spend the rest of his life making it up to me, and that was all about two months ago. I know this letter was incredibly long, but I don’t know how to get through this. We got back together (never really even broke up), but sometimes I still think about it (like tonight) and when I bring it up, he says he is so so so sorry and would never do that again, that I never deserved it and it breaks his heart he did such a thing to me. But then again, he swore he wouldn’t do it in the first place, it’s like he broke my trust and told this girl (someone he doesn’t even value as a person) about our sex life just because it seemed like he wouldn’t get caught, I never thought he was capable of lying about something like that, he always seemed so genuine. After finally agreeing to work through this, I find myself checking his fb on a daily basis, questioning a lot more what he’s up to and with who, I would die if anything like this, let alone worse would happen again, he is my everything. I can’t even imagine why he would hurt someone who has done so much for him, this badly. I’ve said “I forgive you” after hearing a thousand apologizes, but I’ve read that conversation a hundred times and it’s engrained in my mind, constantly in the back of my head. This whole situation might not seem like a big deal, it’s not like he jumped in bed with someone else, but it seems like online flirting is a gateway to all of that. Just because we are having a serious rough patch in our relationship doesn’t mean he can run to other girls and lead them on? I almost feel bad for the chick, he flirts with her and then tells her off when she tries to escalate it, I really can’t blame her!

I know that was a lot of rambling to read, but this is what goes through my head on a nearly daily basis. This is the first huge betrayal I have encountered, and I didn’t expect it from my first and only love…How do I get over my jealousy, and should I have to? As a result of this, I made him block this girl for good, I have access to his fb, I made him text his last gf and tell her to never contact him again (she sent him periodic texts here and there and they were pissing me off), and he has let me do it all without question, but me needing to do all of this is just not healthy…Any advice would make me eternally grateful, I am in true need of your amazing advice.

My undying gratitude,
Deeply Wounded

Dear Deeply Wounded,

Giiiiiiiiiiiiiiirl.

Okay, first of all, I want to say I’m not just answering this because you brown-nosed. But I do thank you. Delicious.

Anyway, onto your letter:

Bitter ol’ Tuffy feels some pangs on this one.

You seem so genuine, DW. I mean that. You seem like such a good, nice person. You really love this guy, that much is clear. And you went way out of your way to help him through a tough time.

But the harsh reality is, he is NOT such a good, nice person. And he doesn’t give a SHOOP about your helping him through a tough time.

This guy never came clean about this. It’s fine to say, oh he’s sorry because he apologized, but he ONLY apologized AFTER you caught him. AFTER. And when you first approached him about it, he denied it.

So I believe that he wants to keep you. But I don’t believe that he’s really sorry he did it.

This is a guy who has already had a drug problem and been kicked out of his house. He needed YOU to help him apply for jobs (why couldn’t do it himself?!) and to get his bike fixed (hello?! he can’t figure this one out either?!). You really went out of your way for him, and I applaud you for that, because, yes, everyone falls on their luck sometimes.

But this guy seems like he won’t do anything. He isn’t interested in improving himself. He won’t do anything to move forward the way you expect someone reaching adulthood to do.

That in itself is a HUGE red flag, girl.

And then we get to the real meat of your letter, where we find out dude spoke about you to another girl who he may or may not have cheated on you with (I’m sorry, I just don’t think we can rule that out) but who DEFINITELY did not need to be told about your sex life.

THIS IS A LOSER.

This little boy thinks he can say terrible things about you to someone else while proclaiming to love you. Guess what? He can, because you’re letting him.

DO NOT LET HIM.

You really truly deserve better than this. This little baby of a disgusting manchild said some ugly things about you. He betrayed very personal secrets. And he said things that were cruel and unnecessary.

I bet he loves you now. You’ve done so much for him. He’s a major user and he knows that you’ll take care of him.

But you don’t want his off-brand “love,” do you? It’s so emotionally abusive it makes me want to throw up (oh, I guess I have something in common with him after all).

I hate hate hate this guy.

BREAK UP WITH HIM. You can’t get yourself to trust him because, deep inside, you KNOW you CAN’T trust him. He is completely UNTRUSTWORTHY. There is NOTHING he can do that will reverse this. This relationship is doomed, and thank deities of all sorts because this guy is only going to drag you down with him.

Go find someone who is kind and who will treat you the way you treat others: with respect and love. Let this ashhole rot in his own filth.

Hearts & Skulls,

Tuffy Luv

Unless you live in an internet-less cave, or are one of those “I don’t have a Facebook” weirdos, then you have to already know that Facebook is going to change A LOT in the next few weeks. The new Facebook Timeline profile is a stalkers dream. The Timeline highlights events in your life (because we all want to re-live that bad break-up), and Facebook is teaming up with other websites, like Hulu, so you can watch shows with your friends over Facebook. There wont be any need to get together for Girl’s Night and watch Glee, you can just sit at your own apartment and never have to be social again.

If this sounds good, there are ways for you to get the Timeline early. Are you a Facebook developer? Me neither, but you can still pretend to be one to get the new profile. If that sounds too tech-y for you. You can also go here and sign up for a beta notification. This option is way easier, but you won’t get the Timeline immediately. I hope after Timeline is released, Facebook will be done changing for a while. I need time to use the Timeline to see the really awkward high school pictures of all the people I’m jealous of.

Getting dumped sucks. The only thing worse is getting dumped with some vague, cliché breakup line. You know the kind – they’re sugar coated, indirect, and straight from a Friends rerun. We can thank TV and movies for offering a plethora of lame excuses to the male population to recycle over and over again instead of offering us the real reason why they are ending our perfect romance.

Sound familiar? Luckily, these lines can be decoded, so grab that pint of Phish Food and read on for some clarity.

You’re Too Good For Me

Translation: I’m Too Good For You
He thinks he deserves someone better and is attempting to slip out of the relationship without having to do too much damage control. Whether or not he really means it, you probably are too good for him.

It’s Bad Timing Right Now

Translation: You’re Not Worth the Effort
What’s better than having a girlfriend at your side during a stressful off-season, a nasty econ class or whatever else college throws your way? Nothing, if you actually value the relationship. When life gets hectic, you make time for the important stuff and tend to get rid of the things that don’t matter much, like a girlfriend you’re not super excited about.

It’s Not You, It’s Me

Translation: It’s Not Me, It’s All You
Ah yes, the classic. We’ve all heard of someone using this, or worse, muttered those words ourselves (guilty). Sure it’s a gracious attempt to ease the pain but really just kind of lame. When someone says this they really mean to say, “When you get super jealous all the time it pushes me away,” or “I am just not that into you,” but self-blame seems to be an easier way out. It’s over so move on.

I Don’t Want To Lose My Best Friend

Translation: The Sex Really Wasn’t As Hot As I Thought It Would Be

It’s plea to go back to the friend zone, which may or not may be possible. He may love venting to you and discussing his problems, but the sex was just terrible. The friend to girlfriend development just didn’t pan out as he’d hoped.

I like You So Much, But I’m Scared of Commitment

Translation: You’re Cool But I’d Rather Hook Up Whomever I’d Like Until Someone Great Comes Along.
He doesn’t feel like committing to you while he can still attract all of the other babes on campus. Why attempt this? Because without the title he gets you (while you wait for him to change) and he can act as he pleases at all of the college parties. Then when someone does tickle his fancy or he gets tired of the lonely frat-star life, his fear of commitment will suddenly change. After you of course.

This Is Moving Too Fast

Translation: I’ve Got A Stage Five Clinger!
Excessively sending FB relationship requests and dropping the word boyfriend before officially having “the talk” pushed him far away. He wanted to keep things casual but that’s not what you were hoping for. Result? Break up.

I’m Not Looking For a Relationship Right Now

Translation: I Am Looking For a Relationship Right Now, Just Not With You
You don’t want to waste your time in a relationship that won’t go anywhere anyway. It’s not right, so call up the next hottie in your contacts list.

Look, these may sound harsh, but the truth hurts. And you know what? So does getting dumped, no matter how it’s packaged. So accept the harsh reality and move on. The quicker you get over it (and get your head out of that brownie sundae) the sooner you’ll find the guy that will love everything about you enough to never utter these bullsh*t excuses.

Every girl deals with heartbreak differently. Some prefer mourning the relationship by staying in and watching The Notebook and others prefer going all out and celebrating their newly single status with shots of tequila and a Rihanna dance party. Though there’s no one right path to overcoming the first pangs of heartbreak and its inevitable aftershock, but I can tell you what I’ve done in the past to get past heartbreak and its annoying friend, pain.

Lesson 37: Tricks of the trade when it comes to breakup heartbreak.

Closure can be treacherous territory. My go-to advice for my girlfriends and for myself is to create your own closure. Too many times I watch my friends go into post-breakup coffees and lunches with guys, using the veil of closure as a chance to talk things out and get back together. Closure is one of those great concepts in theory but not so much in practice because it’s so subjective. What seems like closure to one person could become a quest for more answers for another person. You have to ask yourself if you really want to know the reasons somebody didn’t want to be with you and if so, you need to be prepared for the feelings that could come with that.

The danger lies in relying on someone else to give you a feeling of security. If you’re serious about seeking out closure, start with yourself. The sooner you accept that sometimes relationships just don’t work, the easier it’s going to be for you to put down the breakup ice cream and pick up the pieces of your life and move on. Trust yourself enough to be on your own so that you can rely on yourself for security and not the guy who just walked away from you.

Next, you don’t have to forget a relationship to get over it. Still fresh from a breakup, blocking a guy out of your mind can be the hardest thing in the world, partially because you’re not ready to imagine your life without him but also because you’re stuck in that “remembering to forget him” phase. Stop stressing over whether or not you’re thinking about him too much, and allow your mind to go there if you can’t help but think of the memories you have of your relationship. At the risk of sounding cliché, time really does get you over a breakup. But at the same time, make an effort to go out, focus on new things that have nothing to do with your ex, be it school or your friends or your hobbies, and in time, the heartbreak that you thought you’d cling onto desperately will slip through your fingertips.

As much as you can’t fathom the thought of never thinking of him, over time, you will think of him less and less, even if it’s gradual. Believe me, if the relationship is something worth being heartbroken over, you’ll never fully forget it, but you can move past it. You can grow and learn from a past breakup, and even though it doesn’t seem like it now, you may even be able to look back on it fondly.

Breakups, whether you feel them coming or they catch you totally off guard, can really shake up your entire life. They remind us that at any point in our lives we can feel lost, rejected, and miserable. While the initial pangs of heartbreak make me the epicenter of a storm perfectly capable of complete destruction, I’ve found a sense of stability in knowing that heartbreak, as awful as it seems, is a pretty small problem to have considering the amount of pain out there in the world. There’s nothing more grounding than remembering that there are people in the world who wished that heartbreak was the worst of their problems.

I’ve been active in volunteer work almost my whole life and I’ll be honest that most of the volunteer projects I’ve picked started as a result of heartbreak. And even though this goes without saying, the time I’ve spent volunteering post-breakup never falls to the wayside once I’ve gotten through the heartbreak. Look, I’m not proud to admit that it sometimes takes me going through pain to realize that others feel worse pain, but I’m very proud of the person my breakups have molded me into. Heartbreak keeps me grounded and reminds me that even if the world throws heartbreak my way, I can peel myself off the couch, away from that sixth pint of ice cream and I can do my best from preventing pain in another person’s life.

So if nothing else you try seems to work, give paying it forward a chance because as much as heartbreak has the potential to be cyclical, so does happiness.

Got it? Feel empowered? Good. Now get the first 36 rules of the Single Girl Society

Question?! Answer: Ask Tuffy Luv.

Dear Tuffy Luv,

First off, let me give you a little background information by saying that I’m actually a senior in high school, and I read College Candy all the time to get a true impression of what I’m up against next year.  Your advice is always practical and true, and I realized I HAD to write to you in hopes that you can help my situation.

About a week ago, I went to this camp at the college I’m going to attend.  We stayed there for a week, in the best and newest dorms on campus, and got to go to class and everything.  Basically, I got a true taste of what college will be like, only a little less crowded since it’s the summer.  It was at camp that I met this amazing guy, let’s call him T.  I first saw him in the cafeteria for breakfast that morning, and I couldn’t help but notice how good looking he was.  Later on that day in class, we sat together; we didn’t learn a thing in that 2 hours because we were constantly talking to each other and laughing.  He told me later on that night in the dorm lounge (everyone was there watching the basketball game) that he had feelings for me and he wanted to get to know me better.

Here’s the catch – I’ve been in a serious relationship with my boyfriend R for a year and four months.  We both love and trust each other very much.  When I told T about my boyfriend, he immediately responded that he didn’t care because he felt something between us.  And I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t feel any chemistry.  Throughout the entire week, I got to know T more and more – once, on a break between classes, we spent the entire time sitting on one of the big fountains outside the library just talking about everything under the sun.  On the last day of camp, they took us to a big waterpark about an hour and a half away from campus.  Me and T were lounging in the wave pool, holding hands (which i definitely feel guilty about), and once again having one of our amazing talks. I even (accidentally) fell asleep on his shoulder on the way back home.

Later on that night, I was on the phone with my boyfriend and we had a terrible fight because he didn’t like the fact that I watched the NBA finals in the boys lounge, although I repeatedly told him that EVERY girl from camp was there, ALL the counselors were there, and the only reason we weren’t at the girls dorm was because the lady who watched the door was always b*tching about the TV being too loud or we “shouldn’t be watching this”.  R then told me that he doesn’t think that we can be together in college, since he’s not going to the one I am, and that he has really bad trust issues and couldn’t handle the stress of worrying about me.

After all of that, here’s my problem.  Ever since coming back to camp, I have been talking to T on the phone more than R.  It’s like ever since I got that glimspe of college life, something between me and R has been missing; whether it has anything to do with T, I don’t know.  I still tell R I love him because I do, and the last thing I would ever want to do is hurt him. He really is such a good boyfriend to me.  But I can’t get T off of my mind.  I like his up-front personality, the fact that he’s honest about everything even if it may hurt your feelings, and the way he makes me laugh.

Basically Tuffy, I have no idea what to do.  R told me that if we do part ways in college, he still would like to get together with me later on.  However, after my week of bliss, I realize that it’s probably best that I SHOULDN’T be in a relationship when I first go to college. Should I wait and see if this whole T business is just something I like because it’s new, or should I just let my whole relationship with R go anyway since we’re probably not going to be together in college anyway? (Oh, and even if I did break up with him, I wouldn’t get together with T because he lives an hour away from me. But he IS going to the college I am, so maybe we’ll meet up again there?) I’m so confused on what to do.  I don’t want to make a permanent decision based on temporary feelings. And if R really is the one for me, I don’t want to lose him over a week of flirting.
HELP.

Sincerely,
WTF Do I Do?

Dear SWTFDID,

Why am I always telling everyone to break up with their boyfriends?

Seriously, kids, for the record, Aunt Tuffy has been in a relationship with one guy for over 7 years. I am so NOT anti-monogomy.

But, somehow, I keep telling all youse alls to break up.

Well, what I think it’s about is that you– generally — and you -- SWTFDID, specifically — keep writing to me for confirmation.

That’s right, kiddo. I’m pretty sure you’re writing to me for confirmation that it’s time to let R go. Because something in your gut is telling you that this ain’t meant to be.

Sure, he’s great, and he’s been a good high school boyfriend. But, realistically, it is SO unlikely that you’re gonna be able to make things work when you go off SEPARATELY to college.

I mean, dude. You went to faux-college for one flooping week and it’s already messed up.

I don’t think, however, that you should jump into a relationship with T.

T is sort of that shiny new thing of independence. He’s your first taste of dating without living in your parents’ home. I think it was good you met him and had that experience before you actually started college. But I don’t think he’s likely to be The One.

I especially don’t like T’s attitude of your boyfriend not mattering. That seems like a red flag. Very skeezy. I assume that means that if he had a girlfriend (ie, you) and met someone new, he’d still go for it anyway. Um, not ideal.

So: break up with R (hopefully you can stay friends). Might as well make a clean break. Explain that you care about him but that you don’t think it’ll work through college. This is probably an easier and less painful way of doing it rather than trying to wait ’til right before college to break up, which is alllllllways gross and messy.

Talk to T if you want to, but make it clear that you don’t want to date. Seriously. If you find, once you start college and meet all the OTHER boys there, that you still want to try dating him, then go for it. But I suspect he was solely exciting because of the possibility; there will be a lot of other guys there, and you shouldn’t pin yourself down right away just because you met some guy at camp.

Best of luck!

Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv

1.    “I’ve got too many things on my plate right now”

Sometimes, you just don’t need 1 more thing to deal with. Who hasn’t been there? You’ve got career or family or school or all three plus an addiction to True Blood to serve. There are only so many hours in the day and you’ve got to put your energies to what’s most important. Sometimes on the list of priorities, a boy (especially one that’s driving you up walls) isn’t near the top. Respect.

2.    “You’re still living with your parents and you’re 30”

Hey, in this economy, living back home with the family is a fiscally responsible decision. But that’s not what we’re talking about here. We’re talking about the guy who’s got no direction BUT home. When it comes to ambition, a lot of guys fail. Just, fail. They’re unmotivated and uninterested in being their own person. Who the hell needs that much extra dead weight dragging you down?

3.    “You slept with my best friend”

Or your sister. Your worst enemy. Your econ professor. 6 other people since you’ve been going out…This doesn’t just deserve a break up. Tar. Feather. Castrate.

4.    “I’m not your fucking servant”

A relationship is often called a partnership. It’ll never be a perfect 50-50 but a fluctuating 60-40 constitutes the practical ideal. When he’s got your needs choking on his wants, belittling your dreams as secondary to his, and living part-time with another woman while you keep a place for him tidy at your apartment, that’s not a partnership. It’s a damn near dictatorship. Or is he just a tyrant? I get them confused sometimes. Bottom line: equal rights aren’t just under the law or in the workplace, but between two people who decide to commit to one another. When he decides to make it 90-10, time to bailout yourself.

5.    “I’m not your flipping mother”

This one’s sorta the flipside to number 4. Rather than being under his thumb, he won’t get off your dick. Taking care of someone constantly isn’t fair to you. How about he gives you a back rub every once in a while? If he’s too scared to sleep in the dark unless you read him a bedtime story, then it’s time to yell “Lights out” and walk away. Mama’s boys, ugh!

6.    “I’m not just a sex toy”

You’re not just a pair of boobs and a holy triangle. Some creeps use you for what God gave ya (and/or you maintain in the gym/training for a triathalon). Which is bullsh*t. Hell, I’m not saying I’ve got anything against flings, trysts, or FWB. But don’t let him promise you the moon and only go to the mattress. Odds are, with what God gave ya, you could get a boytoy, but if you want more than that, don’t settle for anything than less.

7.    “I don’t want to marry you”

He proposed after 3 dates. He proposes after 3 weeks of dating without you meeting each other’s families. He proposes when he’s WELL aware you are not marriage minded. Deal, breaker. Some guys are desperate and think marriage is the answer to all of life’s woes. Or they’re just commitment freaks. Either way, you’re not ready, willing, able, or need a green card bad enough to take the plunge.

8.    “Always cumming and, and going and cumming, and always…too soon”

Look, maybe you’re not looking for a 60 minute man but at least more than a 75 second one. He can be the sweetest man on Earth. But sometimes a wet noodle under the covers is just too damn much to handle (or not enough, depending on the case). Sex is an expression of passion and intimacy. You don’t have to make the whole relationship revolve around it, but you don’t have to settle for going without ever having a mind-blowing orgasm that wasn’t battery operated.

9.    “You won’t go down? Then, get out!”

You can’t just be the giver all the time. Any arguments?

10. “You’re not over your ex”

Don’t you just f*cking hate that? Here you thought it was your happy ending, and you realize you’re the girl he’s got to go through before he goes back to his one true love? The good news is, you can hire a screen writer, sell it to Sony, and get Marc Webb to direct it for you.

11. “There’s someone else”

Maybe it’s not that he’s hung up on another girl but you can’t get past another guy. When it comes to finding and being with the right guy, it’s not a one or two-way street…more like a highway with a roundabout every 500 ft.

12. “I made a mistake and it was you”

Sometimes you realize that he should have stayed a one-night stand. Hey, at least you gave it the old college try, right? Now you know. No!

13. “I’m just not into you anymore”

This one works both ways. It knows no gender. And it gets used a lot. Sometimes, affection is fleeting and lust flounders. This isn’t because you misjudged who he was or had delusions of a great love story. You just realize that you don’t want to be with him any more. Is it BS? Is it just an excuse? You tell me.

Man, this list could have been a heck of a lot longer. Honorable mentions include “I’m not your punching bag”, “You’d vote for Palin?”, “We’re better off as friends”, “Why didn’t you tell me you hunt wabbits? (mostly for the PETA friendly crowd)”, and “You told me you were wearing a condom!” Why didn’t they? Well, numbers didn’t quite add up. Now that you’ve seen this larger than usual Dude’s List, let me have it. What’d I miss? What lines have you used? Did you mean them? Time to duke it out in the comments, no holds barred!

Because I’m The Dude, and I’m….AWWWWWWESOMMMMME!

Last week, my male friend over at COED Magazine shared his thoughts on how we ladies handle life after a break up. And let me just say, I haven’t LOLed that hard since the first time I watched this. (OMG. Just watched it again. HILARIOUS.)

It’s just so amusing to think about how little guys know about us (Note: I’m sure it was just as ROTFL-worthy for Paul when he read my thoughts on guys after a break-up); how they think we just bounce right back, better than ever, immediately following “the talk.” I mean, that’s not a bad thing. Their assumptions are way less disturbing (and pathetic) than the reality for most of us.

A reality which I’m about to lay out, in all it’s honest glory.

So let’s break down some walls and let it all hang out:

He Says: They’ll do better without us.
Reality: Yes, we probably will. Once we don’t have to waste our time getting in text fights or taking care of your drunk ass, our lives will finally have some meaning again. We’ll return to the gym. We’ll look hotter than ever. We’ll get our swagger back and hit the town….hard.

….Eventually.

First, of course, we’ll focus on all the happy happy fun times we won’t have anymore. The amazing kisses. The snuggle sessions. The cute way you furrowed your eyebrows when you were working on an Econ problem. How cute you looked in those Nike classics. How romantic you were….that one time when we first started dating, even though you haven’t done jack-sh*t since then. We’ll rely on our friends to remind us hourly (and every 4 minutes when we’re drunk) how awful and selfish and annoying you were.

He Says: We’ll Sleep with THAT guy.
Reality:  Yeah, there’s a chance that in a fit of deep depression we’ll finally give in to the sexual tension and get with someone who’s been around for awhile. More likely though, after our friends throw us in the shower, stab us in the eye applying some eyeliner, squeeze us into a pair of skinny jeans (that got a lot tighter thanks to the post-break up chocolate binges) and force us to go out to the bar (“SINGLE GIRLS, WHAT?!”), we’ll get really drunk and make out with a boy in the corner just to prove that we’ve still got it.

And while it  might be fun and exciting in the moment, we’ll cry about it – a lot – the next day.

He Says: They’ll go “Girls Gone Wild”.
Reality: Yeah, if Girls Gone Wild now means Girls Gone on a Downward Spiral in Sweatpants and No Makeup With a Package of Cookie Dough in Their Bed While Crying Through a Re-Run of Gossip Girl.

He Says: They’ll tell other girls about us.
Reality: You better freaking believe we will. No girl likes to admit to the shame of being a dumpee or the judgment of being the a-hole dumper. So we’re obviously going to have to explain to anyone who asks (or anyone who happens to cross our paths in the weeks following the break-up, be it a friend of a friend or our Psych professor) how lazy you were, how often you couldn’t get it up, how quick you were when you could get it up, how your room smelled like rotting bacon, how often you couldn’t get it up, how you got all Ronnie aggressive when you were drinking and, of course, how often you couldn’t get it up.

He Says: They’ll miss having sex with us.
Reality: For some, maybe. For others, it’s more about the companionship than the sex. The snuggles. The Sunday night TV marathons. The security in knowing we’ll always have someone to grab dinner with, see a movie with, stumble home from a party with. That’s what we’ll miss the most.

If we really want sex, we can just call up “that guy,” right?

The reality is, 99.9% of girls, even if they’re the ones doing the dumping, hit a low in the weeks or months immediately following a break up. They question themselves (“What’s wrong with me?!”), they question love (“Am I ever going to find someone else?”), they question you (“Why did I ever let him buy me that Jager Bomb and take my number?”). But then one day, they wake up out of that greasy/pity food coma and they don’t feel the need to check their phone to see if the ex texted. And the next day, they don’t even think about creepin’ the ex’s Facebook page. And a week after that, they don’t spend 15 extra minutes making themselves look extra hot to make the ex hate himself….just in case they happen to run into him.

Eventually, be it weeks or months down the road, they wake up one day feeling great and realize that they CAN do better than that douche lord…. and they will.

And when that happens, well, eat your heart out, boys. That girl is officially single and ready to get. her. freak on.

Find out what HE THINKS at COEDMagazine.com

[He Said/She Said is a series designed to help all our wonderfully confused readers figure out what he’s really thinking. So every week we’ll be throwing out a topic for debate…and unlike our fave dude, these guys won’t be sugar coating anything for you. But before you jump into their heads (which seriously will make you feel like you need to shower), check out what we think!]

The aftermath of my most recent break-up was all at once depressing and pathetic. Like, beyond the most depressing and pathetic Lifetime movie that you’ve ever seen. (And I can say that with certainty since I watched every single one on a particularly dark Saturday-somehow-turned-Monday-and-I-haven’t-left-my-bed-in-36-hours moment of darkness.) It was depressing because everything I did and saw and watched and thought about reminded me of him. Pathetic because I spent days on end crying over my computer as Dave Matthews blasted from the speakers, stalking his FB page and the FB pages of every single girl who showed up in his pics/commented on his Wall;  and constantly returned home from class or work or a run, certain he’d be waiting for me on my porch with a dozen hydrangeas in his arms and a sheepish “I’m so, so sorry” look on his face. (Did I mention I’d make excuses to leave the house just so I could come home and discover him there? Yeah, I blame it on all those Lifetime movies.)

Of course, that never happened. Actually, despite the fact that my campus had gotten teeny tiny by the 2^nd semester of my senior year, I actually never ran into the kid again. Like, not once. (I have a feeling our mutual friends worked together to make sure of this…) Which should be a great thing; you can’t move on when you’re constantly moving backwards, right?

Only it wasn’t. Because not seeing him meant that I had no idea what he was up to. How he was handling this whole mega-break up. If he was at home crying into a box of Fruity Pebbles (our cereal), throwing things in a fit of rage whenever anything reminded him of me (which should mean broken everything), or just sorta going about his daily business….only now, with the enthusiasm of Eeyore.

So, of course, I had to fill in all those blanks myself, based on what I’ve seen from other guys I know/things I’ve heard/Lifetime movies. And maybe I’m a bit off here, but guys handle break-ups quite differently from us ladies. And in a way that I’m not quite sure I’ll ever understand. Granted, I may be totally wrong in my assumptions, but from my perspective, and that of many ladies I know, guys handle break-ups in one of 5 ways:

They Hook Up. Of course, this has less to do with the fact that they are over us and more to do with the fact that there is no easier way to mend a shattered ego than with a little peen in the vajeen. And they just need a body, any body, next to them in their empty bed/futon. And they need to puff up their chests and prove to their bros that they’re not some pussy who cries over a girl when there are so many girls “just begging for it” out there.

Right?

They Hate Us. Maybe it’s from all the jeering from their boys (“That bitch was not worth your time, brah”), but eventually they start to hate us. And curse anything that reminds them of us. And boil over at the mere mention of our names. So they call us new names. Mean names. Names that would make their mothers shudder. And talk sh*t about us to everyone they know…even that random skank they slept with a week after we split.

They Do Guy Things. Video games. Sporting events. Poker. Basketball at the gym. Push ups at the gym. Lots and lots of working out. Anything not to have to be alone and feel feelings. Because feeling things is weak and they aren’t weak. They’re dudes. Dudes who are strong and independent and don’t let some stupid break-up get them down.

They drink. A lot. Because they can (and maybe because they’re trying to numb the pain?). They’re single now. That’s what single guys do. They drink beer and take Jager shots and do Irish Car Bombs. They pee in public. They smoke a lot of pot. They make really horrible decisions.

They Hook Up. Seriously, when was the last time a guy you knew didn’t bang some random chick (who is always 3 notches down on the “attractive” scale from his ex) 5 minutes after a break-up? It’s like the only cure for the break-up blues is a few humps and grunts…

Is this what really happens? Who knows. Well, guys know, and I’m sure our resident male will clue us in to the reality shortly. But first, let’s see what he thinks we ladies do in the days following a split, see how off base he is in his assumptions. Something tells me there will be some mention of naked pillow fights….

Find out what he thinks girls do after a break up right here!