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Last week I was home for Thanksgiving, going through old yearbooks, blaming the dirty dishes in the sink on my siblings and getting nostalgic for everything else from my childhood.  My mind went from Beanie Babies (tags on, obvi) to my American Girl dolls and then onto weirder things like Ask Jeeves and his search engine. Now it’s hard to believe there was anything before Google. But back in my middle school days, Ask Jeeves was a fricking genius and there was no one I trusted more.

So I did what any girl with an old crush would do. I started tweeting. And while it started out on a promising note (and dare I say, flirtatious!), it went downhill pretty quickly.

Check out the gallery below to see how my high profile romance went sour so quickly.

I only have one question left…hey @AskJeevesDotCom, why did you lead me on? Make me fall in love? And then dump me so quickly!?

So as you know (if you’ve read my past few columns) I broke up with my boyfriend about a month ago. And by breakup I don’t mean the whole, back-and-forth linger type-of-thing. I mean, cold turkey, cut him out! A friend recommended I take the “30-Day Challenge,” where you don’t see, speak or creep (shocking, I know) on the kid AT ALL for 30 days. I accepted the challenge and am pleased to say that after 30 days I feel like a new person. I feel more myself than ever in the past year, bettered by the failed relationship and am genuinely happy again. So please, I’ll be accepting virtual high-fives for completing that one!

The point is, a breakup is hard for both parties involved no matter the circumstances. And though I had my low moments, I still wanted to jump right back into the dating scene. Why? Because I’m young and there are hot guys everywhere at my university! Because I like to meet new people! Because not all guys are going to hurt me and I’m ready to meet someone worthwhile. And finally, because sometimes a drunken make-out is simply the best way to get over that douchebag! (Even if just for the three minutes while Weezy plays in the background).

So take it from a girl living through the dating scene after a breakup. It hasn’t been that long, but I’ve definitely learned some valid things. Even if you’re not fresh from a breakup, these tips can still help you out, too!

1. Shots and Ke$ha: Let’s be real here, after you have to tell someone you once loved goodbye, sometimes you just need a damn drink. Or two…or seven. No shame with this one! Alcohol sure does boost your self-esteem and when you throw in some crappy Ke$ha jams and a few friends on a dark dance floor, the night is all yours. So how will this help with your dating dilemma? Yeah, it’s probably not the best way to score a top-notch guy, but a good grind and sloppy make-out sesh never hurt anyone, right? Think of it this way; you’re just having some fun before the real guy comes along. And who wants to be at a coffee shop at 1 a.m. on a Saturday night waiting for that tall, handsome guy holding the latest Chuck Palahniuk novel to walk in, anyway? I know I’d rather be drunk and doing the stanky leg, that’s for sure!
2. Use your connections: Once you’ve gotten your “three-for-three” weekend out of the way (that means going out Thursday, Friday and Saturday night in the same weekend), it’s time to actually meet a decent guy. The easiest way is to ask the people around you! My friends and family know my character best and wouldn’t set me up with an asshole, so they’re the first people I turn to when wanting to get back into the dating scene. Two of the guys I’ve been seeing since the breakup were both introduced to me by friends and family, and both are pretty amazing so far!
3. Be bold: Ladies, it’s 2011, not the 1950s. It’s now socially acceptable to ask a guy to coffee or even a study sesh if you’re not ready to totally put yourself out there. If he says no or that he’s busy and doesn’t make further plans, let it go! In my past experiences, if you show you’re interested and he doesn’t respond immediately how you’d hoped, give him some time and he’ll come around. However, being bold doesn’t mean being a stage-17 clinger. Refrain from asking him out multiple times even if you really like the guy. If he wants to see you, he will.
4. Don’t settle: I know we’ve heard this our whole lives, but there’s something about when your mom sits you down and tells you, “Secret Girl, don’t settle, you’re better than that,” and suddenly it just clicks. I’ve already learned that if I start dating one guy and no other prospects are on the horizon, I’d rather not waste my time on an idiot just to say I’m dating someone.

Case in point: One of the guys I recently stopped seeing came over and watched a movie at my apartment. I have a charcoal sketch of a naked woman hanging on a wall in my room, and when the guy walked in he said, “BOOOOOOOOBS!” Um, yeah, get out. No seriously, get out right now. It’s called art, not giant tits plastered all over my wall.

• Look for douchelord tendencies: If I were to meet the “me” from a year ago, I’d shake her and say, “Run the other direction!” But had I not dated the kid, I wouldn’t be able to spot asshole tendencies from a mile away, as I can today. No really, it’s a talent. Here are some d-bag-isms learned from past relationships, club-hopping and other’s experiences.

• His friends are assholes (it’s a dead giveaway, friends say a lot about a person).
• He lives off of his parents and flaunts their money as if it’s his own hard earned cash.
• He cusses too much and wants to talk about vaginas at dinner. (Over a mediocre dinner– Me: “So how was your day, babe?” Dumbass: “What do you think lesbians do to each other during sex?”) WTF.
• He’s wearing a pastel polo…collar popped.
• He knows every word to that Apple Bottom Jeans song.
• He’s wearing thick-stitched True Religion denim.
• He wants to buy you a drink but won’t let you come to the bar with him (*cough* Rufilin *cough*).
• He makes you feel bad about yourself. (Get out quick!)

The bottom line? Be confident in who you are, know what you want and go for something if it comes your way! What do you have to lose? Your dignity, pride? Eh, maybe. But hey, there’s plenty more guys out there! And who knows, true love might be just around the corner if you’re open to it.

Curious to see how our resident He Said gets over a break up? Wait, do I even want to know?? Brace yourself and click through to COEDMagazine to…uh…enlighten yourself.

Dear Dude,

I’m just going to jump straight into the situation. I’ve known this guy since 6th grade and we’ve always been good friends, until he told me he liked me about two years ago. After that, things changed. He started calling and texting more and we became close and started dating. After about a year of dating (non-exclusively), he told me he was still in love with his ex-girlfriend, and I was really hurt by this. I stopped talking to him and he got back together with her, and by then I loved him. After they broke up in June, I still hadn’t talked to him because I was mad/hurt/upset, but I still loved him (only God knows why!). About two weeks ago I texted him to invite him to my best friend’s birthday but I never heard back — of course. So last night I hung out with our mutual friend Jamie and she told me that he might’ve gotten some chick pregnant (not his ex, some random chick)…and I knew nothing about it — that’s why he’s been so distant. So I texted him asking him to come to the bar and we had this super long conversation about life, dating and he said he still liked me. I said I still liked him and I’d be willing to try dating him again. Later that night, after a few (ok about 7) drinks, I posted on his Facebook wall a few comments about coming to the bar and attending my best friend’s birthday party on Saturday. I woke up today and see that he deleted me on Facebook and now he won’t talk to me.

Why is he doing this? We talked about non-controversial things–I didn’t even bring up the pregnancy, and he still shut me out. I apologized for anything I might’ve said to him to make him delete me and he said “it’s alright” but apparently it’s not if he deleted me! Do you have any advice about this situation?

I still love him, and he likes me but I don’t know how to go about hanging out with him again — what did I do wrong to make him delete me off of his Facebook? I know this sounds childish and stupid but that was one of the two forms of communication we had. Thanks for reading and I would appreciate some advice.

-Confused and Perplexed.

Dear Confused and Perplexed,

It’s not you, it’s HIM. It’s all HIM. You know how they say it takes two to traumatize — well, yes and no — in this case it really took mostly HIM. His sh*t. His chaos. His dumbass. His issues. HIM. Got that? Don’t go digging for guilt because, trust me, you’ll always get a shovelful if you want it. Right now, you’re looking at it from the wrong perspective: yours.

Most likely, his meeting with you was something he was keeping secret from someone else (the ex, the mother of his child, or maybe someone else entirely) and you probably popped his lying bubble. So, don’t go blaming yourself. Most likely he was doing something that you threatened to undo, so he cut his losses. Jackass.

There are two issues to be deal with, IMO. First, he’s a jackass. You’re caught up in his emotional jackassdom. Why would he delete you off Facebook if you’ve done everything right? Because he’s got a lot going on and, in his mind, you’re a major complication. Doesn’t mean you are. Although, if he’s got a baby mama to deal with then maybe you are. I don’t know. You don’t know. You may never know. Most importantly, you don’t want to know. Don’t let yourself get sucked into his mess. Then, it’ll become your mess and is that what you want?

The second issue we’ve got here is your inability to let go of him. He has hurt you, betrayed you, used you, and not broke all contact. If there was ever a time to truly move on, this is it. You can always think nice thoughts about the way things were, but he’s not a realistic option and he sure isn’t going to be. You can want to have him in your life but that doesn’t mean he wants you in his life. It also doesn’t mean he’s healthy for your life. And his choice doesn’t necessarily have to have a damn thing to do with anything you did. So here we go: YOU’RE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS ACTIONS. Repeat that over and over again to yourself. You’re not responsible for his choices. You’re not to blame for his absence. He didn’t reject you because of something you did. Done.

Here’s the next step: moving on from him. Mourn it for a little while, go out with some friends and reconnect with yourself. This is a chance to be free of his chaos, lies, and your need for his acceptance. It’s a one way street from here on out. SpeedRacer through it with the top down.

Welcome to the rest of your life. Now live it.

The Dude

[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of trying to come up with a not-totally-crazy-girl way to bring it up to your guy friends and get their take on things? Totally over over-analyzing the cryptic messages he leave on your Facebook Wall? We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude [at] collegecandy [dot] com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time. So bring. it. on.]

Dear Dude,

Let me start my story a year and a bit ago. I was away for a summer, and I hooked up with a guy the last night of my trip. We were drunk, and I didn’t think much of it then, because, well, we were drunk. The thing is, the whole time I was on the trip, I had a huge crush on him. Because he was super cool. Like SUPER cool. Like, if I could design a perfect boyfriend, it would be him.

Anyway, I went home, normal life resumed, that was the end of that. He lives on the other side of the country, so it’s not like I was worried about running into him or anything. I tried to contact him once out of curiosity to see how he was doing (after all I stayed in contact with everyone else from the trip), but he never replied. Clearly, he was happy with it being an overseas-one-night-stand.

Fast forward to a little over six months ago, and I met a guy (Let’s call him R) who is really sweet and cute and funny, and we started dating. We’re exclusive, but it’s not exactly the most serious relationship, partly because I won’t let it be. I mean, he’s a great guy, and I really like him. BUT. In my head, this stupid little part of me keeps going “He’s not perfect for you. He’s not overseas guy!”

Now, I’m not madly in love with overseas guy or anything (no crazy fb stalking, promise!). I just have traces of lingering feelings, and every once in a while I get caught in a moment of wistful ‘what if’. That’s all; nothing more, nothing less.

Even so, the reason I’m iffy about R isn’t because R is a sub-par boyfriend. It’s because I’ve found myself thinking (not very often, but it has dawned on me once or twice), R isn’t overseas guy. WHAT IS WRONG WITH MY BRAIN, DUDE. I haven’t seen/heard from overseas guy in a year, and I’m using him as a yardstick for all future relationships! And lets set something straight: Overseas guy was not my first. Hell, he wasn’t even my first one-night stand! And I have NEVER had a problem with casual hook ups before. Usually, I’m a fan of them. So it’s ridiculous for me to be thinking about a guy a year after a drunken night AT ALL, right?

(Oh right, the question… I’m getting there, promise)

My question is this. I kind of feel like a horrible person for being in this relationship with poor R, when I’m still thinking about overseas guy. I know that if the circumstances presented themselves, and all things were equal (i.e., if both of them were strangers in a bar) I’d definitely choose overseas guy over R. Am I leading R on for nothing? Should I break up with him because I’m still not completely over someone else?

I like R, I really do. But I feel badly about comparing him to someone else.

Help?

Thanks,
Minister of Foreign Affairs

Dear Minister of Foreign Affairs,

“What ifs” are the deadliest and one of the most common affliction to present relationships. EVERYONE, and I mean everyone, has “what if” feelings about at least one phantom from their pasts. It’s just the way human beings work. We think about “what ifs” in regards to correcting mistakes we made, or erasing regrets and even as just nagging bits of neuroses reminding us of the issues we’ll never get rid of no matter how much therapy we pay for! Breather. Hold on. Yes, good…and then there are the “what ifs” that keep us hopeful. The question we need to identify is: what type is yours?

Clearly, overseas guy left a humungous impression on your psyche. Whether you like it or not, and there’s no point or reason to judge this, you’re using overseas guy as a measuring stick for all future relationships. And hey, don’t we all use the best and worst experiences as measuring sticks?

Comparison is a circumstance of living that we all live in. Whether its boys or shoes or Doctor Who episodes, everybody does it and is going to do it. So save yourself a trip to Guiltville for acting like a human being.

Should you break up with someone because he doesn’t match up? Depends. If you feel like you’re leading R on then, yeah, you should probably end things. Because you probably are. Damn if you’re not about to start going down a slippery slope, though!

See, you’re about to set a possibly dangerous precedent. You can’t save yourself for an idea of a man. You also can’t let the idea of a man become a crutch that you use to justify closing yourself off to every guy you go out with. You can compare overseas guy to everyone else, but you can’t let this memory dictate your entire dating life.

This particular instance it seems like you’re kind of indifferent to the relationship you’re in. You don’t not like R but you’re not exactly wowed by him either. Overseas guy is a convenient way of getting yourself out of this spot. And that might be okay as a one time deal but, again, be careful!

What happens overseas stays overseas. Keep the memory but don’t let it become baggage. We can have all the “what ifs” we want but we can’t let them poison the “what’s happening.”

Good day, Minister.

Sincerely,

The Duke of Dudedom

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Dear Dude,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for about eight months. About three months ago, while very drunk, I kissed someone else and told him about it the next day. He was really upset, and while we were talking about it, he brought up how out of control mad he got when his ex-girlfriend of three years told him about another guy hitting on her really aggressively and the fact that she didn’t do anything to stop it. The way he spoke about this, it was very clear that he felt really strongly about her/the situation. He then told me that when we first started hanging out, he and this ex were still kind of together, in an open relationship. She soon found out about me from one of his friends, got mad, and ended things for good with him. Meanwhile, he and I casually dated for the next few months, he said I love you within 3 months, and eventually we decided to become exclusive (per his suggestion).

To my knowledge, he’s gotten over the cheating incident. I felt terrible, and was pretty clear about that and the fact that that will never happen again. However, while we weren’t exclusive yet, I’m really bothered by the fact that he was still kind of with his ex while we were dating. I feel like he never got a chance to get over a 3 year relationship, and I was just the replacement available at the time. These feelings were compounded by the fact that the other night at a party, one of his friends’ girlfriends told my boyfriend, “Just so you know, Celia (his ex) is here with her boyfriend…I thought I should tell you.” This took place in front of me. I was pretty upset, and asked my boyfriend about it and he assured me that he didn’t know why she said that, he didn’t care about his ex anymore. I wasn’t convinced, but then, we’ve been together for eight months.

I’m thinking of breaking up with him. He’s really sweet, funny, and a great guy, but I want someone who has actual feelings for me and is not ignoring/misdirecting feelings for an ex by being with me. Does this seem like a legitimate conclusion?

Sincerely,

___________

Dear _______

Before I give my advice on whether your conclusion is legitimate, let me work out the timeline. So, he was in a relationship — scratch that — an open relationship with another girl when you started dating. Then she found out about you and dumped him. Then you got together with him. Then you kissed another guy. Then you find out he’s getting updates on his ex…and now you’re considering breaking up with him.

In summary: bunk beds are cool. I mean it’s a bed…with a ladder!

Sorry, timey-wimey stuff going on this week. Now! You’ve reached the conclusion that you should dump his ass. I’d say that’s perfectly legitimate. It’d also be perfectly legitimate for him to have dumped you after the, how did you word it, right, “cheating incident” but he didn’t. So legitimate isn’t a factor, is it? What matters is whether or not you want to break up with him. And it sounds like…you’re going down the purple slide into the YES room.

What we’ve got is a relationship with more rifts than a timelord can create after 907 years. He wasn’t open with you about his open relationship or to his ex about you. He then clung to you after that relationship ended. He uses the L word. Maybe he loves you. I don’t know, I’m not you or him. Is it possible? Sure. Is that enough? There’s the riddle that it sounds like you’ve got the solution for (2+2=5).

He hasn’t had a chance to get over his three-year relationship. Mark one for your powers of observation. He probably does still have unresolved feelings for his ex (of course, doesn’t everyone still have a handful of unresolved feelings about their exes [anger, loss, hunger {apples are good for that}, guilt]). That alone would encourage a sensible person to take some space. On top of that, no matter what he says, he’ll always remember his feelings of betrayal when you kissed another man. Yeah, he can let it go and move on. But even though the river’s calm, the stone thrown is still at the bottom, forever changing it, right Gabrielle? (Watch Xena:Warrior Princess for all sage advice needs.)

In light of the of all the drama that’s bending the space and time around you two, making a clean break, even a temporary one, sounds like a good way to get out of the danger room and get your breath back.

If the apocalypse comes, beep me,

The Chosen Dude

No one likes being broken up with. And few people, I’m sure, actually enjoy being the breaker upper. But regardless of the situation it has to happen, because as much as I would love to tell you that you will only date one person…it rarely happens. And as someone who as been on both ends, multiple times, I feel as though I can shed some light on creative ways to break up with your S.O. You know instead of the regular schtick. You know, the fading out, the AIM “talk”, the post-it drop off or the take you out to dinner pretend like nothing’s wrong then wait until the parking lot to say this just isn’t working in front of about 5 biker guys who  give you sympathetic looks and a “Sorry hunny, rough break.” You know, that classic break-up route.

Anyway, here are ten ways I would rather be broken up with:

1. A balloon. I would much rather see a balloon floating at my front door that says “Courtney,  I’m breaking up with you,” rather than getting a text that says “I’m sorry. I can’t. Don’t hate me.” Not to mention, a balloon won’t judge you if you decided to cry right then and there.

2. Rent an elephant. What better way to ease the pain than with a free elephant ride? Well maybe a trip to Italy…but an elephant ride would be a close second.

3. Hire a choir. Why speak when you can hire professionals to sing it in a 5 part harmony and matching outfits.

4.  Send them on a treasure hunt. After a day long treasure hunt finding nice prizes, you send them to a poster board tied to a tree that says “it’s over, the relationship and the treasure hunt.”

5. Buy a box of chocolate and a newly single self-help book. Ring the door bell leaving the presents at the bottom, before you take off make sure to write a little 3 liner in the book i.e. “Hopefully this will help you on your new journey into single life. – Lisa”

6. Hire a singing telegram. “I am, a singing telegram. You’re Dumped!”  Just make sure they don’t dress up like a clown.

7. Plan a beautiful picnic dinner in a park, complete with chocolate strawberries. After the last bite explain to your S.O. that you want out. This way the dumpee can be as dramatic as possible. You may want to get out-of-the-way and watch your back for flying objects.

8. Smoke signals. Nothing says “we’re over” like circles of smoke.

9. Legal fireworks. I can see it right now, you get a text telling you to look out your window, a firework show starts…and for the finale: “It’s” “Over” “John”

10. Have your mom do it. Who is more sincere than a mother? Why not let your mom say the words you can’t seem to find.

Just remember to think about the other person. Keep it private, honest and brief, no matter how you break up with someone it will be hard on both parties. The important part is that you do what is best for you.

Relationships can be great — always having someone to cuddle with, vent to, and share your favorite things with – but unfortunately things don’t always go as smoothly as planned. Sometimes once you get to know a person — once you spend more than a few month’s worth of sexy nights with them — you realize that maybe things aren’t all they’re cracked up to be.

Let’s get really honest for a second — most of us have stayed in a relationship or two far past its expiration date. Sometimes we get too blinded by the bright shiny light of love to realize when a relationship has become toxic and needs to be over. Breaking up isn’t easy, I know, but sometimes you’ve gotta do what you’ve gotta do.

If you’re having problems figuring out whether to stay or go, here are some things that scream “it’s over”… or should be.

Abuse. Under no circumstances should you be staying with a person who is emotionally, physically, or sexually abusive. You can do better, I promise. If your partner is hurting you in any way, get out — and fast. If you need some help, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY).

Lack of respect. For you, your space, your family, your friends, your dreams, the list goes on. Respect is one of the most basic of things you should be expecting from a significant other, and if that’s not there it’s time to pack your bags.

Lackluster sex. Sure, this seems shallow, but if you can’t imagine having sex with only this person on a long-term basis, it’s probably best to get out. Some things can be remedied — spice things up and get a little kinky — but if you’re sexually incompatible (find out here!), it’s better to end it now than to drag it out.

They don’t support you. Sure, your dream of being a skydiving instructor may be a little extreme, but that doesn’t give your partner an excuse to crap all over it. If your partner is completely unsupportive of your goals, hopes, or ambitions; you’re not dating a person who is worth your time.

No love. If, after a reasonable amount of time, you’re just not feeling those feelings of love or a desire for a long-term commitment, you should probably break it off. Pro tip: a break-up after three months typically hurts much less than a break-up after three years.

Cheating. Whether it was you or your partner, cheating means you need to seriously reevaluate your relationship. Why did it happen? Can you be positive it will never happen again? Will your relationship honestly be able to recover? — Just some things to think about.

Liar, Liar. How can you know your true feelings if your relationship is based on lies? Regardless of who happens to be the guilty party, lying is a big hint that a relationship is slowly but surely going down the drain. Remember my point about respect? If someone truly respects you, they will tell you the truth.

Different directions. One of the best parts of being in a relationship is the hypothetical future you can make up together. Not only is it fun, but it’s also a good way to feel out whether or not your ideas of a future match up — do you both want kids? Do you want to live in the same places? There’s no point continuing a relationship that is going to come to a head once the big decisions come up, so if you find yourself dating someone with a very different future in mind, you should break it off.

No direction. Another thing you can learn from that hypothetical game is whether or not you even want a future with the person you’re dating. Can’t see it going anywhere? Do the right thing and break it off —  that is, unless the other person feels the same way too.

Just because. Sometimes you don’t need to have a reason, sometimes it’s just over. Save both of you the drawn-out, emotionally draining break-up and just get it over with. And remember: quick like a band-aid, and don’t look back.