A relationship often requires a bit of sacrifice and a lot of compromise. We all have to learn to accept and roll with aspects of our partner, or his/her life, that we don’t always understand or necessarily agree with. That’s called maturity, right? And building intimacy? I think…Now, those things aside there comes a point where you might just need to say “Hell no!” and walk off into the freedom of singledom again. Here are 11 things that no woman should ever put up with in a relationship… Read More »

“Whose Side Are You On?”

I’m not talking about Captain America vs. Iron Man. I’m talking about friends who’ve been in a relationship and now have reached their final destination: splitsville. Once the two of them go their separate ways, which one of them gets you in the proverbial divorce?

It’s not always as clear cut as saying, “well, I was her friend first” or “she was the one who cheated on him with the train conductor.” Sometimes break ups are more complicated than that. Every now and then, they’re reasonably amicable. Every once in a while there’s the exceptional parting where you empathize or sympathize with both sides. Whose friendship do you keep? Or…can you stay friends with both of them?

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Dear Tuffy Luv,

I love the advice you give and right now I’m in need of some if you don’t mind.

My boyfriend of 5 months broke up with me about 3 weeks ago after sitting me down and saying that he wasn’t ready to commit and that he felt as if he wanted to be alone. I didn’t agree with the breakup but I told him that I supported his decision. We decided to remain friends despite everything and I’m totally fine with that.

This past weekend, we took a trip with some mutual friends to Miami. It was supposed to be a little romantic getaway for couples when it was planned, but it wasn’t since we broke up beforehand.

Once we were in Miami, he operated as a single guy and damn near ignored me while we were there. Read More »

Look, we’ve all had some bad break ups. We’ve all had our hearts battered and scarred. Or at least most of us. Some of you have always been the dumper and not the dumped. Consider yourselves lucky and potentially commitment phobic. Whether or not there’s actually a good way to break up with someone, there are definitely a lot of WRONG ways. Here are a dozen of them to mull over. Get your “I’m alone and no one will ever love me” playlists ready.

And…go:

1. Have your new boyfriend break up with him for you
This is about the lowest of the low. Well, maybe. I’m not one to believe in shooting the messenger, but this would be an instance where I might be applying for membership into the NRA.

2. Post-It note
“I’m sorry. I can’t. Don’t hate me.” He’ll hate you.

3. Telling his mom first
Look, if you’re going to break up with someone then have the decency to break up with THEM. Yeah, confrontation, not everyone’s favorite thing in the world. Like parfait. Still, to go through the back channels — be it his mother, sister, or best friend — it just twists the knife that much deeper. Seriously.

4. After sex
He’s naked. He’s sleepy. He’s basking. It’s so unfair…Do we still get a round of break-up sex? Or would that count?

5. On his birthday or any other special occasion
How old are you now? SINGLE! And even if a funeral may feel like the appropriate place, for some reason, don’t start the conversation with, “Speaking of things I want to bury and forget about…”

6. Giving him the “It’s not you, it’s me” speech
If you’re breaking up with us we know it’s not you. In the words of the great Costanza: “IT’D BETTER BE ME!”

7. Suggesting it’s only temporary
The “Not a break-up, break-up.” Phrases come to mind, “Let’s take some space,” “We’ll just try seeing other people,” “When I come back from the Sudan in 6 months we’ll see where we are.” You know, ways the dumper tries to soften the blow rather than what it is: a kick in the nuts. I’m all for sentiment and courtesy. So have the courtesy to not dangle false hope like a promotional copy of Harry Potter Book 8 (it’s a hypothetical, not a rumor-RELAX fan girls!).

8. Drunk dialing
I will also add via text, or voice mail in general. If you’re going to do it then do it. Face to face unless you’re in different parts of the country, but even then there’s f*cking Skype. If you needed one more reason to not have access to your phone while drunk, this is it. It’s a cop out. Alcohol’s not an excuse to demean and make things easier on yourself. You’re the dumper, things will immediately be easier when it’s over because you’ll have dumped us. So suck it up and make an effort to do it right.

9. Via Facebook or any other social media
Similar to the drunk dial/text/voice message except it’s PUBLIC! Changing your relationship status and having 50 of his friends comment on his wall asking what happened before he even saw it is humiliating. Just say no.

10. Arranging to have him see you with another guy
This really falls under the general category of: “Provoking him to break up with me, that way I don’t have to be the bad guy.” I know people who’ve done this kind of crap. They cook something up that pushes their partner to do the deed for them. It’s a coward’s way out. You’re better than that!

11. Setting him up to cheat
Here’s the flipside to the coin. Some people want to break up but feel like they need some kind of an excuse. I’m not saying that trying to set him up to see if he flirts or cheats on you is the most common way it’s done. I’m just using it as one example from a plethora. Again, we’re in some psycho-babble, self-validation, and neurotic territory. Now, instead of saving a guilt trip to be the sympathetic one out the break-up, you’re setting yourself up to be the hero of the tale. I don’t think either’s worse than the other. Disagree?

12. Not bothering to ACTUALLY break up with him
The avoidance break-up. Sometimes I wonder why people choose this path, amidst the 11 others we’ve looked at and the hundreds more to select from. You can’t pretend it never happened. And you can’t pretend when (if) you reconnect in a few years that you never broke up. So, what’s the point of this? Why the silent treatment? To be purposefully hurt by someone still proves that that someone has strong feelings. To be ignored is to be…

Alright, there they are. 12 ways you shouldn’t break up with someone. Disagree? Are any of these perfectly acceptable? Did I miss some juicy ones? What’s the worst way you’ve ever dumped him or vice versa? I’m a firm believer that if we can share then we’ll better learn how to care. And if we really put some care into the ending, just maybe, a break up will bring both people what it’s really meant to: closure.

“And that’s the way it was,”

The Dude

Question?! Ask Tuffy Luv.

Dear Tuffy Luv,

I need help.  Two days ago my boyfriend and I split up.  We had a fight about him disappearing for a while without any explanation.  I was furious because that has happened to me before; in high school I had a long-term boyfriend who one day left school and disappeared without telling me.  I never heard from him again.

Well, this past weekend I was afraid that was happening again and I panicked.  When he finally did get back to me I was furious at him for making me panic like that.  I said things I didn’t mean and then we were over.

He had said he was busy (not strictly true because he had been on the phone and he could have found five seconds to let me know everything was fine). I later found out through talking to our mutual friend that he was upset with me and that was why he hadn’t gotten back to me.  So then I was even more upset with him for not being honest with me.

But here’s the thing: this whole thing is my fault.  The whole time we were together, practically, I didn’t trust anything he told me.  I’ve had relationships in the past, and they all turned out terribly.  I realize that everyone has terrible relationships sometimes, but it seems like everyone I care about lets me down.  I don’t trust anyone.

Understand, it’s not the little things I don’t trust him with.  When he says he’s with friends and stuff, I don’t care. Read More »

Dear Dude,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for about eight months. About three months ago, while very drunk, I kissed someone else and told him about it the next day. He was really upset, and while we were talking about it, he brought up how out of control mad he got when his ex-girlfriend of three years told him about another guy hitting on her really aggressively and the fact that she didn’t do anything to stop it. The way he spoke about this, it was very clear that he felt really strongly about her/the situation. He then told me that when we first started hanging out, he and this ex were still kind of together, in an open relationship. She soon found out about me from one of his friends, got mad, and ended things for good with him. Meanwhile, he and I casually dated for the next few months, he said I love you within 3 months, and eventually we decided to become exclusive (per his suggestion). Read More »

Dear Dude,

I’ve been hanging out with a guy for a little over three months. We were inseparable almost from the start. When we weren’t at each others’ apartments, we were texting so a day never went by without us communicating in some way. HOWEVER, we were not dating because he “doesn’t date.” We never agreed to be exclusive and only promised to be forthcoming if things got physical with another person (it never did). Every once in a while he would make a comment about how hurt he was by his last long-term relationship and that he wasn’t interested in pursing something like that again. I know that this should have been a huge warning sign but I got caught up in how easy it was just being with him. Also, to make it clear, most of the time he seemed to be really invested in what we had together which always seemed to be a little more than casual sex.

This changed about two weeks ago. Suddenly, it seemed like I was a burden to him. I would come over and he would be standoffish and silent. I was worried that I was crowding him so I’d offer to go home but he always said that it was my choice if I wanted to stay or leave. I almost always stayed because I enjoy being around him and he would eventually unwind and act normally. Read More »

Dear Tuffy Luv,

I was in a relationship with a guy for a little over four years. Problem was, my guy has two very different sides to him… when he was sober and when he was drunk. He was great when he was sober, and we really had a fun time together. But when he drank, he would be incredibly rude and pick fights with me that always blew out of proportion because I didn’t just quietly sit and take them. While I knew that something was extremely wrong, I kept working on him because he was out of control and I felt that there was no way a person could be this insane. I know what you’re thinking, BIG red flag. For some reason, I had strong feelings for this guy and his sober side always sucked me back in. Well each year he got better and better, and I got busier than ever balancing school and work. It got to the point where I was working early hours on the weekends, and he would spend one night with me entirely sober, and the next night he could go out drinking with his friends. We had a pretty solid routine worked out so that we could avoid this problem, I just couldn’t go out when he drank. Read More »

Kvetchion? Answer: Ask Tuffy Luv.

Dear Tuffy Luv,
I was with my boyfriend for a year and a half. He broke up with me because I was too “emotionally unsound”, but in reality I found out he cheated on me. He denied it, and for whatever reason I wanted to believe he was actually a good person and it was just a rumor. Though I still became kind of upset. And that is the reason there was any emotional craziness coming from me. By that point, I knew for a while that we should break up, I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. We hung out every once in a while (and slept together a few times…’cause I was an idiot). Anyways, that’s not the point.

Eight months later, I was hanging out with one of my friends, and the topic of my ex boyfriend came up. This friend of mine told me the truth (he found out because he was cheating on his girlfriend with one of the best friend’s of the girl my boyfriend cheated on me with). At this point I became FURIOUS. I have never been so angry at the world before. My feelings were, “I can’t believe there are people in the world that do things that will obviously cause other people so much pain.” Cheating was honestly the last thing I ever thought I would have to deal with (boy was I wrong). So I told him that I never wanted to see him again.

A month ago, I finally realized that in order to no longer be so angry I have to forgive him (which sucks, but as soon as I realized that I felt so much better). And then he randomly facebook messaged me. I replied, because I didn’t want to be rude. And we hung out, to talk, because I had a list of questions that I wanted answered (such as: Why did you cheat on me? Why with her? Did you ever actually love me? Etc.). But he STILL denied it. And that pissed me off again. Read More »

[He Said/She Said is a series designed to help all our wonderfully confused readers figure out what he’s really thinking. So every week we’ll be throwing out a topic for debate…and unlike our fave dude, these guys won’t be sugar coating anything for you. But before you jump into their heads (which seriously will make you feel like you need to shower), check out what we think!]

The aftermath of my most recent break-up was all at once depressing and pathetic. Like, beyond the most depressing and pathetic Lifetime movie that you’ve ever seen. (And I can say that with certainty since I watched every single one on a particularly dark Saturday-somehow-turned-Monday-and-I-haven’t-left-my-bed-in-36-hours moment of darkness.) It was depressing because everything I did and saw and watched and thought about reminded me of him. Pathetic because I spent days on end crying over my computer as Dave Matthews blasted from the speakers, stalking his FB page and the FB pages of every single girl who showed up in his pics/commented on his Wall;  and constantly returned home from class or work or a run, certain he’d be waiting for me on my porch with a dozen hydrangeas in his arms and a sheepish “I’m so, so sorry” look on his face. (Did I mention I’d make excuses to leave the house just so I could come home and discover him there? Yeah, I blame it on all those Lifetime movies.) Read More »