Question?! Answer: Ask Tuffy Luv.

Dear Tuffy Luv,

I have a friend (let’s call her D) who is always asking me when I’m going to break up with my boyfriend. My boyfriend and I got together senior year of high school, and now it’s junior year of college. He’s really great, and we love each other. He’s not going anywhere.

D and I used to be really close , but she’s always been really jealous of my boyfriend. He’s always nice to her, and when we hang out in a group, we all have a good time. She says it’s nothing personal; she just thinks I’d be happier single. I think she’d just be happier if I were single. She always wants me to come out for “girls’ nights,” and then she tries to get me to hook up with random guys! I don’t know what her deal is. Every single one of my other friends loves my boyfriend. What should I do?

Friend Problems

Dear Friend Problems,

Man, this girl is jealous! D clearly wants you all to herself, and not in that fun sexual way, either. Misery loves company, and singles love wing-friends. Being single can be totally fun. But it sounds like your friend wants you to be her partner in crime, and you’re already spoken for! She’s like, “Gosh, wouldn’t it be fun if Friend Problems broke up with her awesome boyfriend, because I want to go partying in with her?”

NO, YOU SHOOPHEAD D, NO IT WOULD NOT.

Look, you have a boyfriend you obviously care a great deal about, and it sounds like he’s awesome. Your friend, however, sounds crappy. If you’re already going out with her, why does she want you to cheat on your boyfriend?! Why does she want you to break up with him?! Because she’s selfish as floop.

Don’t get caught up in this. Keep hanging out with D if you like her (although she sounds really annoying if you ask lil ol’ Aunt Tuff). But the second she brings up your boyfriend in ANY WAY, I want you to say this exact phrase EVERY SINGLE TIME: “I love him so much. I’m not going to talk about him with you.” And change the goshdarn flooping subject!

Geez. D sucks.

Hearts & Skulls,

Tuffy Luv

[lead image via Piotr Marcinski, shutterstock.com] 

A relationship often requires a bit of sacrifice and a lot of compromise. We all have to learn to accept and roll with aspects of our partner, or his/her life, that we don’t always understand or necessarily agree with. That’s called maturity, right? And building intimacy? I think…Now, those things aside there comes a point where you might just need to say “Hell no!” and walk off into the freedom of singledom again. Here are 11 things that no woman should ever put up with in a relationship…

initiating the gallery...

There you have 11 things that no woman should ever put up with in a relationship. Some more severe than others, perhaps. And I’ll admit to a bit of personal bias on a few of them. My question to you, ladies, is which of these HAVE you put up with in the past? Which haven’t you? What are your deal breakers? What are your big no-no’s? Spill all in the comments below and let’s making this a learning experience for everyone. Silence need not fall.

Handling the truth,

The Dude

I’m the Dude with a blue box called the Tardis that allows me to explore the ends of time and space-wait that’s another guy with a ‘D’ sounding name isn’t it? Better than that, I’m a Dude that knows the inner workings of Dudes and I’m ready to spill all, whether you’re ready or not. Send your question over to askthedude [at] collegecandy [dot] com.

“Whose Side Are You On?”

I’m not talking about Captain America vs. Iron Man. I’m talking about friends who’ve been in a relationship and now have reached their final destination: splitsville. Once the two of them go their separate ways, which one of them gets you in the proverbial divorce?

It’s not always as clear cut as saying, “well, I was her friend first” or “she was the one who cheated on him with the train conductor.” Sometimes break ups are more complicated than that. Every now and then, they’re reasonably amicable. Every once in a while there’s the exceptional parting where you empathize or sympathize with both sides. Whose friendship do you keep? Or…can you stay friends with both of them?

My answer to you all is YES. You can absolutely maintain friendships with both parties if you adhere to a little common sense and the Golden Rule. There’s no reason to lose a valuable friendship if you don’t have to. There are boundaries to every relationship in every stage. This is just another challenge to rework and redefine what those boundaries need to be, between you and them and they to each other.

It all comes down to keeping the individual trust of both people. You have to do your very best to keep your friendship with each person, with each person. They confide in you, you don’t break that trust. You keep your opinions about the other person to yourself, and you don’t pry about what happened between them. It’s a little bit like dancing: let them lead and do your darndest not to step on their toes.

Of course, there comes the inevitable moment when she discovers you’re still hanging out with him and she asks the question: “why didn’t you tell me?” And the answer’s a simple but potentially hurtful one: “because our friendship is separate from mine and his.” Now that’s a tough f*cking egg to lay on them, especially if they’re still somewhere in the process of moving on. On the other hand, that might sound a little more devious than it’s meant to be…

I’d also suggest speaking to each of them personally and letting them know: “hey, you’re my friend and that’s not going to change. But she’s also my friend and that’s not going to change, either. This doesn’t mean you can’t trust me as you always have and vice versa. This means that you need to accept the fact that while your relationship ended, mine isn’t going to, with either of you.” Then from there on out, separate corners. No updates, no heads ups, no accountability, so long as you preserve trust on both sides and stay out of their issues. Sounds tricky. And it might be. It’s also…possible.

If you’re willing to work on keeping that trust and letting it evolve, then it’s possible. If you’re willing to understand that when the big reveal comes that you’re talking to their ex that they might NOT trust you quite as much, then it’s possible. Your friendships will change. They have to. The relationship between two people affects far more than just two people. But the change for you is parallel to the change they’re going through: redefining what you have without the context of that other person.

Breaking up’s a process, for you and friends and friends of friends-let’s not leave out family, either. But if it’s amicable enough, if there’s enough willingness on all sides to move in separate directions, peacefully, the breaking of one bond doesn’t have to mean the end of three.

Watch out for that first step, it’s a doozy,

The Dude

Dear Tuffy Luv,

I love the advice you give and right now I’m in need of some if you don’t mind.

My boyfriend of 5 months broke up with me about 3 weeks ago after sitting me down and saying that he wasn’t ready to commit and that he felt as if he wanted to be alone. I didn’t agree with the breakup but I told him that I supported his decision. We decided to remain friends despite everything and I’m totally fine with that.

This past weekend, we took a trip with some mutual friends to Miami. It was supposed to be a little romantic getaway for couples when it was planned, but it wasn’t since we broke up beforehand.

Once we were in Miami, he operated as a single guy and damn near ignored me while we were there.

When we broke up, he said that he wanted me to still be in his life and was completely honest with me about everything. I still want him around as a friend, but I’m so confused. What should I do?

Miami Hopeful

Dear Miami Hopeful,

Well, you should accept it.

I mean, he told you he was breaking up with you. You understood it. You agreed that you were broken up (even if you didn’t want to be). So why would he PRETEND to still be with you when you were in Miami?! This, girl, is a case of wishful thinking. You were hoping Miami would turn things around, or at the very least you could have a romantic time in spite of everything. But it sounds like he was pretty clear with you that you were no longer a couple.

Friends is…unlikely. But actually, the fact that you were both still able to go on the trip makes it seem possible.

I mean — what do you want from him? He’s being true to his word: he’s keeping you in his life, but he is no longer dating you. Sounds like he did everything he said. He’s been quite upfront. So you have to let go now, yes?! YOU GUYS ARE BROKEN UP. What are you confused about?! He acted like a single guy, because he IS a single guy.

Clearly your feelings were hurt by this. But he was totally upfront with you. So, honestly, that’s not on him.

Look, if I were you, honey, I wouldn’t talk to him for a while. You need a break so you can remember that you don’t need him and that, hey, sometimes 5-month relationships end. When you’re feeling okay about this, then you can try to be casual friends. But I really think that’s the best you can hope for. He’s made his position pretty clear.

Hearts & Skulls,

Tuffy Luv

Question?! Answer: Ask Tuffy Luv.

Look, we’ve all had some bad break ups. We’ve all had our hearts battered and scarred. Or at least most of us. Some of you have always been the dumper and not the dumped. Consider yourselves lucky and potentially commitment phobic. Whether or not there’s actually a good way to break up with someone, there are definitely a lot of WRONG ways. Here are a dozen of them to mull over. Get your “I’m alone and no one will ever love me” playlists ready.

And…go:

1. Have your new boyfriend break up with him for you
This is about the lowest of the low. Well, maybe. I’m not one to believe in shooting the messenger, but this would be an instance where I might be applying for membership into the NRA.

2. Post-It note
“I’m sorry. I can’t. Don’t hate me.” He’ll hate you.

3. Telling his mom first
Look, if you’re going to break up with someone then have the decency to break up with THEM. Yeah, confrontation, not everyone’s favorite thing in the world. Like parfait. Still, to go through the back channels — be it his mother, sister, or best friend — it just twists the knife that much deeper. Seriously.

4. After sex
He’s naked. He’s sleepy. He’s basking. It’s so unfair…Do we still get a round of break-up sex? Or would that count?

5. On his birthday or any other special occasion
How old are you now? SINGLE! And even if a funeral may feel like the appropriate place, for some reason, don’t start the conversation with, “Speaking of things I want to bury and forget about…”

6. Giving him the “It’s not you, it’s me” speech
If you’re breaking up with us we know it’s not you. In the words of the great Costanza: “IT’D BETTER BE ME!”

7. Suggesting it’s only temporary
The “Not a break-up, break-up.” Phrases come to mind, “Let’s take some space,” “We’ll just try seeing other people,” “When I come back from the Sudan in 6 months we’ll see where we are.” You know, ways the dumper tries to soften the blow rather than what it is: a kick in the nuts. I’m all for sentiment and courtesy. So have the courtesy to not dangle false hope like a promotional copy of Harry Potter Book 8 (it’s a hypothetical, not a rumor-RELAX fan girls!).

8. Drunk dialing
I will also add via text, or voice mail in general. If you’re going to do it then do it. Face to face unless you’re in different parts of the country, but even then there’s f*cking Skype. If you needed one more reason to not have access to your phone while drunk, this is it. It’s a cop out. Alcohol’s not an excuse to demean and make things easier on yourself. You’re the dumper, things will immediately be easier when it’s over because you’ll have dumped us. So suck it up and make an effort to do it right.

9. Via Facebook or any other social media
Similar to the drunk dial/text/voice message except it’s PUBLIC! Changing your relationship status and having 50 of his friends comment on his wall asking what happened before he even saw it is humiliating. Just say no.

10. Arranging to have him see you with another guy
This really falls under the general category of: “Provoking him to break up with me, that way I don’t have to be the bad guy.” I know people who’ve done this kind of crap. They cook something up that pushes their partner to do the deed for them. It’s a coward’s way out. You’re better than that!

11. Setting him up to cheat
Here’s the flipside to the coin. Some people want to break up but feel like they need some kind of an excuse. I’m not saying that trying to set him up to see if he flirts or cheats on you is the most common way it’s done. I’m just using it as one example from a plethora. Again, we’re in some psycho-babble, self-validation, and neurotic territory. Now, instead of saving a guilt trip to be the sympathetic one out the break-up, you’re setting yourself up to be the hero of the tale. I don’t think either’s worse than the other. Disagree?

12. Not bothering to ACTUALLY break up with him
The avoidance break-up. Sometimes I wonder why people choose this path, amidst the 11 others we’ve looked at and the hundreds more to select from. You can’t pretend it never happened. And you can’t pretend when (if) you reconnect in a few years that you never broke up. So, what’s the point of this? Why the silent treatment? To be purposefully hurt by someone still proves that that someone has strong feelings. To be ignored is to be…

Alright, there they are. 12 ways you shouldn’t break up with someone. Disagree? Are any of these perfectly acceptable? Did I miss some juicy ones? What’s the worst way you’ve ever dumped him or vice versa? I’m a firm believer that if we can share then we’ll better learn how to care. And if we really put some care into the ending, just maybe, a break up will bring both people what it’s really meant to: closure.

“And that’s the way it was,”

The Dude

Question?! Ask Tuffy Luv.

Dear Tuffy Luv,

I need help.  Two days ago my boyfriend and I split up.  We had a fight about him disappearing for a while without any explanation.  I was furious because that has happened to me before; in high school I had a long-term boyfriend who one day left school and disappeared without telling me.  I never heard from him again.

Well, this past weekend I was afraid that was happening again and I panicked.  When he finally did get back to me I was furious at him for making me panic like that.  I said things I didn’t mean and then we were over.

He had said he was busy (not strictly true because he had been on the phone and he could have found five seconds to let me know everything was fine). I later found out through talking to our mutual friend that he was upset with me and that was why he hadn’t gotten back to me.  So then I was even more upset with him for not being honest with me.

But here’s the thing: this whole thing is my fault.  The whole time we were together, practically, I didn’t trust anything he told me.  I’ve had relationships in the past, and they all turned out terribly.  I realize that everyone has terrible relationships sometimes, but it seems like everyone I care about lets me down.  I don’t trust anyone.

Understand, it’s not the little things I don’t trust him with.  When he says he’s with friends and stuff, I don’t care.

Here’s an example.  One night we were talking, and he was drunk and he said things like he wanted to be with me for a long time, he could see living with me, etc.  And it was so nice of him to say those things.  But it freaked me out!  I mean, I love him, of course, and I feel that way too, but having him say it made me feel uncomfortable, like I didn’t think he meant it.  So the next day I was uncomfortable still and we had a mini-fight and I ended up asking him not to say things like that anymore.  (That’s one of the reasons he was upset with me.)

I realized that this is exactly what happened with my high school boyfriend, when I didn’t trust him and the left.  I feel terrible, and I was messed up over that for years. I don’t want to make the same mistake twice.

So my question is this: how do I learn to trust my boyfriend?  What do I do now to make him see I’m sorry and I need him?  How do I stop picking mini-fights over tiny things because I can’t trust that he’s telling me the truth?

Sincerely,
Mistrustful Me

Dear Mistrustful Me,

Girrrrrrl. You need to find a balance between trusting your gut and letting your paranoia eat your face.

It’s like this: Everyone gets let down. It’s true. Friends, family, strangers, they’re all acting in their own best interest, and that’s just human. Unfortunately, sometimes that means someone gets hurt.

In your case, it’s this high school boyfriend who screwed you up. But I think you need a reality check on this one.

I seriously doubt dude dropped out and disappeared because of you.

Sorry. I know it’s become super romanticized in your head and all, but that shoop is just too nuts. The reason he left is a mystery, yes? Now he may not have CONTACTED you because he didn’t want to deal with you. But I seriously doubt he left HIGH SCHOOL because of you. Really. Let’s get a grip here.

However, that said, Aunt Tuffy can totally see how that would floop you up. I mean, it’s a pretty dramatic thing to happen. (PS Hope he’s okay, youknowwhatimean?!?!)

On to the present.

Your now-ex-boyfriend didn’t like that you couldn’t trust him. No one does. In order to be with someone, you HAVE to be willing to be a little vulnerable to them, and that means trusting them when they ask you to.

So in your next relationship, you gotta work on this. Yes? You will take deep breaths and not freak out when everything isn’t perfectly on your schedule.

HOWEVER!

There is a fine line between trusting and being stupid. Because we’ve all got instincts. We all know when someone’s lying.

And in this case, I gotta say, even though I think you’re paranoid in the android, your guy WAS lying to you and I think you sensed it.

I think it’s over with this guy, to be honest with you. Lessons have been learned, correct? You ask how to not pick fights; the answer is, DON’T PICK FIGHTS! If you’re upset about something, give yourself some time to cool off and then ask yourself: Is this really a problem or am I just being paranoid? If, after you’re no longer emotional, you still think something is suspicious, then you can bring it up IN PERSON and in a CALM AND KIND MANNER. If it doesn’t seem like a huge deal after you calm down, you have got to learn to just let it go.

Let it go. Let it go. Let it go.

Speaking of letting things go, get rid of that baggage too. Honestly. We all have bad stuff happen to us; when you let it go, you set yourself free. None of this is not such a major deal that you can’t learn to do that, just like everyone else. Trust me, you’ll be way happier. And you deserve that, kid.

Hearts & Skulls,

Tuffy Luv

Dear Dude,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for about eight months. About three months ago, while very drunk, I kissed someone else and told him about it the next day. He was really upset, and while we were talking about it, he brought up how out of control mad he got when his ex-girlfriend of three years told him about another guy hitting on her really aggressively and the fact that she didn’t do anything to stop it. The way he spoke about this, it was very clear that he felt really strongly about her/the situation. He then told me that when we first started hanging out, he and this ex were still kind of together, in an open relationship. She soon found out about me from one of his friends, got mad, and ended things for good with him. Meanwhile, he and I casually dated for the next few months, he said I love you within 3 months, and eventually we decided to become exclusive (per his suggestion).

To my knowledge, he’s gotten over the cheating incident. I felt terrible, and was pretty clear about that and the fact that that will never happen again. However, while we weren’t exclusive yet, I’m really bothered by the fact that he was still kind of with his ex while we were dating. I feel like he never got a chance to get over a 3 year relationship, and I was just the replacement available at the time. These feelings were compounded by the fact that the other night at a party, one of his friends’ girlfriends told my boyfriend, “Just so you know, Celia (his ex) is here with her boyfriend…I thought I should tell you.” This took place in front of me. I was pretty upset, and asked my boyfriend about it and he assured me that he didn’t know why she said that, he didn’t care about his ex anymore. I wasn’t convinced, but then, we’ve been together for eight months.

I’m thinking of breaking up with him. He’s really sweet, funny, and a great guy, but I want someone who has actual feelings for me and is not ignoring/misdirecting feelings for an ex by being with me. Does this seem like a legitimate conclusion?

Sincerely,

___________

Dear _______

Before I give my advice on whether your conclusion is legitimate, let me work out the timeline. So, he was in a relationship — scratch that — an open relationship with another girl when you started dating. Then she found out about you and dumped him. Then you got together with him. Then you kissed another guy. Then you find out he’s getting updates on his ex…and now you’re considering breaking up with him.

In summary: bunk beds are cool. I mean it’s a bed…with a ladder!

Sorry, timey-wimey stuff going on this week. Now! You’ve reached the conclusion that you should dump his ass. I’d say that’s perfectly legitimate. It’d also be perfectly legitimate for him to have dumped you after the, how did you word it, right, “cheating incident” but he didn’t. So legitimate isn’t a factor, is it? What matters is whether or not you want to break up with him. And it sounds like…you’re going down the purple slide into the YES room.

What we’ve got is a relationship with more rifts than a timelord can create after 907 years. He wasn’t open with you about his open relationship or to his ex about you. He then clung to you after that relationship ended. He uses the L word. Maybe he loves you. I don’t know, I’m not you or him. Is it possible? Sure. Is that enough? There’s the riddle that it sounds like you’ve got the solution for (2+2=5).

He hasn’t had a chance to get over his three-year relationship. Mark one for your powers of observation. He probably does still have unresolved feelings for his ex (of course, doesn’t everyone still have a handful of unresolved feelings about their exes [anger, loss, hunger {apples are good for that}, guilt]). That alone would encourage a sensible person to take some space. On top of that, no matter what he says, he’ll always remember his feelings of betrayal when you kissed another man. Yeah, he can let it go and move on. But even though the river’s calm, the stone thrown is still at the bottom, forever changing it, right Gabrielle? (Watch Xena:Warrior Princess for all sage advice needs.)

In light of the of all the drama that’s bending the space and time around you two, making a clean break, even a temporary one, sounds like a good way to get out of the danger room and get your breath back.

If the apocalypse comes, beep me,

The Chosen Dude

Dear Dude,

I’ve been hanging out with a guy for a little over three months. We were inseparable almost from the start. When we weren’t at each others’ apartments, we were texting so a day never went by without us communicating in some way. HOWEVER, we were not dating because he “doesn’t date.” We never agreed to be exclusive and only promised to be forthcoming if things got physical with another person (it never did). Every once in a while he would make a comment about how hurt he was by his last long-term relationship and that he wasn’t interested in pursing something like that again. I know that this should have been a huge warning sign but I got caught up in how easy it was just being with him. Also, to make it clear, most of the time he seemed to be really invested in what we had together which always seemed to be a little more than casual sex.

This changed about two weeks ago. Suddenly, it seemed like I was a burden to him. I would come over and he would be standoffish and silent. I was worried that I was crowding him so I’d offer to go home but he always said that it was my choice if I wanted to stay or leave. I almost always stayed because I enjoy being around him and he would eventually unwind and act normally.

His distance was upsetting me though and the more upset I got the more withholding he became. A few days ago we got in a stupid fight. When I left he brought another girl over. I found out about it and asked what was going on with him. He told me he was making friends and that he never promised me anything more than what I got from him. I agreed with him, of course, because I was trying to be reasonable but I couldn’t help but point out that I thought we felt an affection for each other and that his behavior recently was hurting me. His response was that he liked everyone and I was no different than any of his other friends. I was a little put off by that and, rightly or wrongly, suggested that we stop sleeping with each other since I had obviously misinterpreted some stuff and needed to work it through. He became very angry and said that I was acting like a typical woman.

We argued for a little bit about what I feel versus what he feels. I tried to make it clear that all I want was to know that he cared for me. I’m not asking to “go steady” or for him to declare his undying love. He conceded that he did care and that our friendship wasn’t exactly like his others and reaffirmed that he would let me know if he began a sexual relationship with someone else. We hung out for a bit but I ended up going home to process stuff on my own. I thought we were at least okay after our talk but now he’s more distant than ever. I’m almost positive that he’s done with me and is waiting for me to just give up but I’m not sure. I know that I sound pretty desperate and self-deceiving but this is a man who declares his utter contempt for relationships one day and than asks if I’d take him with me when I move the next. So I guess my question is: do I back way off and just let him figure out what he wants from me? Or, should I try and keep in touch so he knows that I still want whatever it is we have to continue? I think it’s pretty obvious that I’ve developed feelings that he can’t or won’t reciprocate. My gut reaction is to just disappear. I really don’t want to be rejected by this guy and that seems to be where it’s heading.

Thanks,

A Walking, Talking Cliché

Dear A Walking, Talking Cliche

Gut instincts are funny things. For some people, their gut’s almost always on the money but for others, they go broke on all their hunches. Based on what your guy’s telling you, I’d list you as one of the former.

You are on the pain train headed to Hurtsville and now’s as good a tune to jump off as any. To get any kind of affirmation you practically have to put a vice on his balls or threaten him with green kryptonite. That’s not a healthy relationships, that’s almost you begging for emotional scraps. A position you haven’t done anything to deserve. Unfortunately, what you’re in is one of the dysfunctional pits of despair that a “not relationship” relationship can drop you into.

Boundaries shift as time goes on. There’s no way to avoid that reality. You can make all the rules in the beginning about what you are and aren’t but feelings evolve or devolve. Relationships, and I don’t care what kind we’re talking about, DO NOT REMAIN STATIC. They can’t. Because people don’t.

After a while, one person gets to feeling that he/she wants to go in one direction and hopefully, his/her partner will want to go in that direction also. Sometimes, it’s two people running in complete opposite directions. Unfortunately, that seems to be the case here. And make no mistake about it, trying to “hold on” to the status quo is in a force of movement. All movement’s relative after all. You want it to go one way and he’s trying to tug you in another and you’re just about at the breaking point.

You can make one last ditch effort and say, flat out: this is what I want, this is what I don’t want, if you don’t want the same things, then let’s call it quits now. On the other hand, if you don’t feel like going through that experience then cut the strings and free fall into emotional freedom.

Don’t let his indecision deprive you of what you need. Act first. Act now. Act according to what you need. That’s called growth. Do some of it. There might be some growing pains but they’ll be worth it to feel like the ground beneath you is that much stronger.

Make it work,

The Dude

Dear Tuffy Luv,

I was in a relationship with a guy for a little over four years. Problem was, my guy has two very different sides to him… when he was sober and when he was drunk. He was great when he was sober, and we really had a fun time together. But when he drank, he would be incredibly rude and pick fights with me that always blew out of proportion because I didn’t just quietly sit and take them. While I knew that something was extremely wrong, I kept working on him because he was out of control and I felt that there was no way a person could be this insane. I know what you’re thinking, BIG red flag. For some reason, I had strong feelings for this guy and his sober side always sucked me back in. Well each year he got better and better, and I got busier than ever balancing school and work. It got to the point where I was working early hours on the weekends, and he would spend one night with me entirely sober, and the next night he could go out drinking with his friends. We had a pretty solid routine worked out so that we could avoid this problem, I just couldn’t go out when he drank.

Recently, I have graduated college and he has been in the process of buying his first house. I made it a point not to ask to move in because I am still searching for my first legitimate job and I am getting my life in order, but he included me on the house hunting which was fun. But alas, we were out with friends one night and we got in a horrific fight, to the point where I couldn’t deal with it anymore. I broke up with him, and in two weeks it fully hit me and I was an emotional mess. After doing the biggest mistake (contacting him), he seemed distant and unsure, but we gave it another shot. After a seemingly perfect week back together, he calls me out of the blue and informs me that he is unsure of his entire life right now and does not want to be in a relationship, and that I deserve better. I cut off all ties with him, deleted him from my phone and intend on never contacting him.

While I completely agree with him, it was a long four years spent together. I know that I can never fully help him if he does not help himself or recognize his problems. After pleading with him for years, he refuses to give up drinking and does not think that he has any problem. All of his guy friends know of his problem but won’t confront him about it, because he gets very angry about it which is why this was such a huge problem for us because I don’t take actions like those quietly. Now I usually share some of your same strong views about relationships, it’s just hard when you’re the one emotionally involved. I’m not as upset as before when I had broken up with him, I think not having the guilt of possibly messing up was something that was bothering me. Since he was the one to do it, I feel confident that I will back off and leave this one alone.

But my questions is, how in two weeks did I lose him after four years together? He claims to still love me, but how could he reject me after all of this time? Was I blind to the fact that maybe he didn’t care for me through all of this?

Sincerely,
Exhausted&Confused

Dear Exhausted&Confused,

You broke up with him first. And now he’s all messed up.

I mean, it’s hard to come back from being dumped after four years (which you are now realizing). True, you broke up with him for a legitimate reason (the horrible huge fights you guys have), but, unfortunately, he can’t understand that.

Which, I guess, is what you’re saying the real problem is: his drinking.

Now, here’s where lil’ ol’ Tuffy gets a lil’ ol’ fuzzy on the details. Either he’s an alcoholic who genuinely needs help, or he’s a party guy whose lifestyle doesn’t fit yours. I, as your friendly neighborhood advice columnist, have no way of knowing which one it is.

If he’s an alcoholic, then, absolutely, #1, you should not be with him, and #2, he needs to get help.

However, judging ONLY from the details of your letter (so I may be wrong!!!!!!!!!), it doesn’t sound like he IS an alcoholic. It sounds like he’s a mean drunk.

In which case, you STILL shouldn’t be with him.

But, you know, I mean, he’s buying a house. He seems to have his life together. And he’s capable of NOT drinking (you only have seen him sober for the most part as of late). So I don’t think it’s an actual PROBLEM.

And if it’s NOT a problem–well, leave the dude alone. It doesn’t sound at all like this is holding him back in his life–you’re angry at him and you’re making it about the alcohol when it seems like maybe it’s just about the two of you. So stop trying to make him out to be an alky (unless he is!!! but from this letter it doesn’t sound like it) and accept the fact that:

Your lifestyles just don’t match.

You’re now moving onto the next phase of your life. It’s time to decide who you’re gonna be as an adult. And you yourself, you don’t want to be with someone who drinks a lot, and you don’t want to be with someone you’re fighting with. And I think those are good choices.

As for HOW you “lost” him suddenly–well, I think your breaking up with him probably knocked some shoop into him. First, he realized you COULD break up with him, which was painful and perhaps a wake up call. And, second, he realized HE could break up with YOU. Maybe he too is realizing you guys were compatible as college kids but not as long-term adults.

So do what you said and don’t contact him. If it’s meant to be, you’ll find your way back to each other. But my guess is, this was all for the best.

Hearts & Skulls,

Tuffy Luv

Question?! Answer: Ask Tuffy Luv.

Kvetchion? Answer: Ask Tuffy Luv.

Dear Tuffy Luv,
I was with my boyfriend for a year and a half. He broke up with me because I was too “emotionally unsound”, but in reality I found out he cheated on me. He denied it, and for whatever reason I wanted to believe he was actually a good person and it was just a rumor. Though I still became kind of upset. And that is the reason there was any emotional craziness coming from me. By that point, I knew for a while that we should break up, I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. We hung out every once in a while (and slept together a few times…’cause I was an idiot). Anyways, that’s not the point.

Eight months later, I was hanging out with one of my friends, and the topic of my ex boyfriend came up. This friend of mine told me the truth (he found out because he was cheating on his girlfriend with one of the best friend’s of the girl my boyfriend cheated on me with). At this point I became FURIOUS. I have never been so angry at the world before. My feelings were, “I can’t believe there are people in the world that do things that will obviously cause other people so much pain.” Cheating was honestly the last thing I ever thought I would have to deal with (boy was I wrong). So I told him that I never wanted to see him again.

A month ago, I finally realized that in order to no longer be so angry I have to forgive him (which sucks, but as soon as I realized that I felt so much better). And then he randomly facebook messaged me. I replied, because I didn’t want to be rude. And we hung out, to talk, because I had a list of questions that I wanted answered (such as: Why did you cheat on me? Why with her? Did you ever actually love me? Etc.). But he STILL denied it. And that pissed me off again.

So I have some questions for you Tuffy…

First, I realize I did a lot of stupid things regarding him in the past, is there anything I am doing wrong now? Anything I should be doing better?

Where do you think i should go from here? (p.s. I have a class with him next month).

Why in the flippity flap is he still denying it? …The only reason I can come up with is that he thinks he can make his way back into my life enough that I’ll have sex with him again.

And lastly, this has kind of made me a jadded person when it comes to fidelity and love. And it’s kinda sorta making my life extremely difficult and upsetting. Any advice for now and the future?

You are awesome.

Thanks,
Angry bitterness

Dear Angry Bitterness,

Welp, you know people cheat. Your friend who told you knew because HE was cheating. Why, Angry Bitterness? Why are people so uncool?!

Every week, Tuffettes, I read your emails and I wish wish WISH people didn’t cheat. Sometimes, as in Angry Bitterness’s case, it’s the guy cheating, and sometimes it’s the girl cheating. Either way, I just want to scream–BREAK THE FLOOP UP!!! Wouldn’t that be easier than sneaking around behind each others’ backs?! And it would certainly save a lot on both heartbreak and money for STD tests.

But, hey, back to you.

Angry Bitterness, you are not doing anything wrong. But I think you need to readjust your thinking.

This guy is probably lying. However, did you consider the (very unlikely, I’ll grant you) possibility he may actually be telling the truth?

I mean, the convoluted way in which you found out–through a friend who is cheating with the supposed cheater’s cheatee’s best friend–makes it  a little hard to verify. And, I mean, you caught the guy. Isn’t it just vaguely, vaguely possible he DIDN’T cheat?

For the record, I think he did.

But it’s worth it to consider, I think. I mean, the fact is, the two of you are not together anymore. He broke up with you before all this nonshoop. If I were you, I’d go get tested for STDs (just in case!), decide to assume he probably didn’t cheat, and then move on with your life. No responding to emails or texts or Facebook messages or whatever it is you kids do these days. This guy is just another ex now. Forget him, forgive him if you must, and move on.

As for your class with him–well, don’t sit near him. Be polite but NOTHING MORE. Don’t talk to him. Don’t be friendly, but don’t be cold. Just treat him as you would any other casual classmate: polite and silent.

Finally, there’s a third part to your question, which I totally love: “And lastly, this has kind of made me a jaded person when it comes to fidelity and love. And it’s kinda sorta making my life extremely difficult and upsetting. Any advice for now and the future?”

YES advice. Advice is: DON’T be jaded. That’s really all there is. People bounce back from MUCH MUCH worse things than a college boyfriend who may or may not have cheated. Give yourself a little more time to mourn if you absolutely must and then CHOOSE to be cheerful. And, yes, in a pretty mild situation like this, it is absolutely your choice. CHOOSE to smile, CHOOSE to get rid of the toxic people and energy in your life, and CHOOSE to live your life in as positive a manner as you possibly can. I promise, that will make all the difference.

Hearts & Skulls,

Tuffy Luv