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Dear Tuffy Luv,

I was in a relationship with a guy for a little over four years. Problem was, my guy has two very different sides to him… when he was sober and when he was drunk. He was great when he was sober, and we really had a fun time together. But when he drank, he would be incredibly rude and pick fights with me that always blew out of proportion because I didn’t just quietly sit and take them. While I knew that something was extremely wrong, I kept working on him because he was out of control and I felt that there was no way a person could be this insane. I know what you’re thinking, BIG red flag. For some reason, I had strong feelings for this guy and his sober side always sucked me back in. Well each year he got better and better, and I got busier than ever balancing school and work. It got to the point where I was working early hours on the weekends, and he would spend one night with me entirely sober, and the next night he could go out drinking with his friends. We had a pretty solid routine worked out so that we could avoid this problem, I just couldn’t go out when he drank. Read More »

Lesson 31: You May Not Be Better Off Without Him…But You Will Be.

No girl is “better off” heartbroken. And yet when you find yourself newly single attending your first mostly-couples party disappointingly sober, the frenemy you wish was just your enemy drops her not-so-consoling version of a consolation for your breakup – “You’re better off without him,” she says and you cant help but want to punch her.

Too often women tell other women they are better off without the man who they’ve recently split from and every time, I can’t help but wonder if they’d still say that if the man who’d just left me had cured cancer or spent his free time saving baby animals from oil spills. Out of habit we tell our girlfriends that they’re better off without their exes not really considering what a statement like that means.

Good intentions aside, something about hearing “you’re better off without him” never really makes you believe it. Unless your ex was a drug-dealing, lying-and-cheating, animal-hating hoodlum, chances are there were parts of your relationship with him that made you happy. Give yourself some credit by giving him some credit. Hearing the words “you’re better off” feels anything but warm when the guy you’re no longer with is actually an amazing person. Maybe your relationship made you a better person and it seems unfitting that you would take away from all that you cherished in the relationship to give in to this whole “better off without him” theory. Not to mention, you’ve got to wonder if there’s someone out there telling your ex that he’s better off without you.

It’s hard to believe you truly are better off without a guy when you’re spending your first few days post-breakup wearing one of his button-down shirts you refuse to give back, unable to leave the comfort of your bed’s comforter. You don’t have to be “better off” to get over a breakup.

There’s nothing eloquent about a breakup so naturally there’s no eloquent way to describe them – breakups suck, period. We’ll tell ourselves anything and everything to get over them but how much of what we try to believe really makes a difference? Why not instead just accept that you won’t feel better off and that you’ll just have to mourn what used to be for a while? Since not all great relationships have great endings, make your own.

Instead of telling you “you’re better off without him,” your friends (or frenemies) should be telling you “it’ll get better in time.” Focus your post-breakup days on healing as opposed to being “better off.” Don’t burden yourself with the daunting task of trying to ignore that you were ever part of a relationship, that you ever shared your life with a guy who decided he didn’t want to be a part of it anymore. Somehow trying to forget something reminds you of it more so if you miss him, accept it and understand that missing someone, while bothersome, is not enough to put your life on hold.

As flattering as it is to believe the women in our lives when they take our sides, saying we’re better off without the men who left us, that they were no good anyway, is simply illogical. Our exes can be our exes and still be good people and more importantly, we can, in time, learn to live without them. Take the parts you love and miss of the relationship, whether it’s fairly life-changing like a sunnier disposition or something as small as remembering to turn the lights off when you leave a room, and each day make an effort to incorporate them in your newly single life.

Got it? Feel empowered? Good. Now get the first 30 rules of the Single Girl Society

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Dear Dude,

I’ve been dating this fella for about five weeks.  We get along well, we enjoy each other’s company, he’s good to me, he’s always treated me like a lady, he’s changed some of his habits for me, and he’s a sweetheart.  Here’s the thing though: I don’t want him.  I don’t feel that “spark” with him. I want to end things with this guy, but I’m not sure how to.  I can’t exactly tell him the truth, although I have talked to him about the lack of “spark” I feel and that didn’t seem to bug him.  Yet, I don’t want to give the lame “It’s not you, it’s me” excuse.  He’s a good man, Dude.  He’s just not my happily ever after. So, what can I tell him that will end things but not break his heart?

Sincerely,
Don’t Go Breakin’ His Heart Read More »

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Most people know how much it sucks to break up with a boyfriend. Whether he treated you horribly or the relationship has just run its course, telling your boyfriend adios is not easy. And is usually followed by tears, vodka, long trips to the gym, or some combination of all three.

The only thing harder than a romantic breakup is breaking up with a friend.

How do you tell someone that is your ultimate best friend and gal pal that, well, you’re just not that into her anymore?

Breaking things off with a BFF is definitely one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. Bottom line: this best friend just wasn’t really a friend anymore. She’d been flaking out on me, was way too caught up in trivial drama, and was never there when I truly needed her. She would only talk about herself and seemed completely uninterested in any details about my life. She seemed to be oblivious to her behavior and our deteriorating friendship, and I couldn’t remember the last time we’d had a genuine conversation.

Once I came to terms with the issues, I knew that our friendship was going to have to end. And then I noticed how eerily similar the end of a platonic relationship is to that of a romantic one. Read More »

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[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of getting the pity-eyes as you sift through the Self-Help section at your campus bookstore? Over wondering what those boys are thinking?  We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question (Why can't we be friends?) over to askthedude@collegecandy.com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time.  So bring it on, ladies.]

Dear Dude,

My boyfriend broke up with me recently. He gave me legitimate reasons and used the “we’re not working, but I don’t want to lose you completely” line, which I’ve received too many times before. But this time, this ex is actually going through with trying to be friends. We broke up on Saturday and saw each other one last time on Sunday when he helped me move my stuff into a storage unit. The strange part comes about 5 minutes after we said goodbye on Sunday. He texted me right after he drove off and continued texting me well into the night on Sunday, and he texted me every day since, multiple times a day. If I don’t text him back, he’ll text me a couple of hours later and we’ll talk for a few more hours.

My question is: Why did he break up with me to just turn around and try to be friends 5 minutes later? My friends think that he’s not done with our relationship and the that 8 hours of distance we’ve had to deal with this summer was too hard for him to manage, and that he’ll try to pick things back up when I get back to school in the fall. I’ve just never experienced a break-up that didn’t end bitterly and that involved a boy that still contacted me on a regular basis. I don’t know what to do. Help!

Sincerely,
As Confused As Ever Read More »