Dear Tuffy Luv,

So my boyfriend of almost two years and I just broke up. I can honestly say that this is the first time that I have been literally devastated after a breakup. I’m in college and I can’t bring it in myself to do anything, except go to class and back to my apartment. I really love this guy and I want to help him realize that we should be together. The reason behind the breakup was because he let a girl (whom he has had past relations with) kiss his neck at a party that I did not attend. When he told me, I made a rash decision, freaked out and broke up with him. The next day after thinking about it I realized that I love him too much to let him go, and his actions honestly weren’t that bad (he had the courage to tell me himself).

When I talked to him the next day I gave him an ultimatum of either deleting the girl’s number or mine. And he chose to keep the girl’s number. He said it wasn’t because he wanted to be with that girl, but because his actions made him confused on whether or not he wanted to be in a relationship right now. He says that he won’t have time to focus on me with graduation quickly approaching. While saying all of this he was crying, and before he left he said that he loved me and hopes that in the future he can try to work his way back into my life.

I honestly just want  to be with him. I don’t want to wait till later, and because it hurts too much I can’t just be friends with him. What should I do?! Please help!

Broken Heart </3

Dear Broken Heart,

I reallllllly hate to say this, but I think this relationship is over. I know he’s saying he wants to get together later, but that’s because he cares about you and is scared of being without you. Still, he — well — he WANTS to be without you. And he IS trying to tell you.

I think your best bet is to deal with this graciously. Don’t talk to this guy for a while — not out of anger, but for your own mental health. Look, girl, you are hurting. And understandably so. First dude lets some girl kiss his neck (wtfloop?!?!??!) and then he tells you he’s not ready to be in a relationship. Those are both very, very hurtful things.

But he’s told you he’s not ready, and you have to accept that. I think you know, deep down, that this is not someone who is ready to be with you. And you don’t want to be with someone who chooses a neck-kisser and her phone number over you and yours.

You know, maybe, MAYBE this will all work out. It’s possible he’s just having a freakout as graduation approaches and he doesn’t know what he wants. But, to be honest with you, I think that what YOU want is someone who KNOWS they WANT YOU. You understand what  I’m saying?

You, too, are about to start a new life. When you graduate college, you enter a whole new world of adulthood. You want to be with someone who is sure of the two of you. You want a man, not a boy. And your boy is only now beginning to transition.

I know you’re hurting now. But give yourself some time. I know that’s hard to accept, but, I promise you, it’s true. Either he’ll come back into your life or he won’t, but, either way, if you give yourself some space, things will get better. Wait it out. Treat yourself. Baby yourself until you feel better (which, I promise, you eventually will). Let yourself heal.

And then find someone who wants you completely and who you want completely back. And I know you’ll be happy.

Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv

Question?! Answer: Ask Tuffy Luv. tuffyluvcc@gmail.com

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Dear Tuffy Luv,

I was in a relationship with a guy for a little over four years. Problem was, my guy has two very different sides to him… when he was sober and when he was drunk. He was great when he was sober, and we really had a fun time together. But when he drank, he would be incredibly rude and pick fights with me that always blew out of proportion because I didn’t just quietly sit and take them. While I knew that something was extremely wrong, I kept working on him because he was out of control and I felt that there was no way a person could be this insane. I know what you’re thinking, BIG red flag. For some reason, I had strong feelings for this guy and his sober side always sucked me back in. Well each year he got better and better, and I got busier than ever balancing school and work. It got to the point where I was working early hours on the weekends, and he would spend one night with me entirely sober, and the next night he could go out drinking with his friends. We had a pretty solid routine worked out so that we could avoid this problem, I just couldn’t go out when he drank.

Recently, I have graduated college and he has been in the process of buying his first house. I made it a point not to ask to move in because I am still searching for my first legitimate job and I am getting my life in order, but he included me on the house hunting which was fun. But alas, we were out with friends one night and we got in a horrific fight, to the point where I couldn’t deal with it anymore. I broke up with him, and in two weeks it fully hit me and I was an emotional mess. After doing the biggest mistake (contacting him), he seemed distant and unsure, but we gave it another shot. After a seemingly perfect week back together, he calls me out of the blue and informs me that he is unsure of his entire life right now and does not want to be in a relationship, and that I deserve better. I cut off all ties with him, deleted him from my phone and intend on never contacting him.

While I completely agree with him, it was a long four years spent together. I know that I can never fully help him if he does not help himself or recognize his problems. After pleading with him for years, he refuses to give up drinking and does not think that he has any problem. All of his guy friends know of his problem but won’t confront him about it, because he gets very angry about it which is why this was such a huge problem for us because I don’t take actions like those quietly. Now I usually share some of your same strong views about relationships, it’s just hard when you’re the one emotionally involved. I’m not as upset as before when I had broken up with him, I think not having the guilt of possibly messing up was something that was bothering me. Since he was the one to do it, I feel confident that I will back off and leave this one alone.

But my questions is, how in two weeks did I lose him after four years together? He claims to still love me, but how could he reject me after all of this time? Was I blind to the fact that maybe he didn’t care for me through all of this?

Sincerely,
Exhausted&Confused

Dear Exhausted&Confused,

You broke up with him first. And now he’s all messed up.

I mean, it’s hard to come back from being dumped after four years (which you are now realizing). True, you broke up with him for a legitimate reason (the horrible huge fights you guys have), but, unfortunately, he can’t understand that.

Which, I guess, is what you’re saying the real problem is: his drinking.

Now, here’s where lil’ ol’ Tuffy gets a lil’ ol’ fuzzy on the details. Either he’s an alcoholic who genuinely needs help, or he’s a party guy whose lifestyle doesn’t fit yours. I, as your friendly neighborhood advice columnist, have no way of knowing which one it is.

If he’s an alcoholic, then, absolutely, #1, you should not be with him, and #2, he needs to get help.

However, judging ONLY from the details of your letter (so I may be wrong!!!!!!!!!), it doesn’t sound like he IS an alcoholic. It sounds like he’s a mean drunk.

In which case, you STILL shouldn’t be with him.

But, you know, I mean, he’s buying a house. He seems to have his life together. And he’s capable of NOT drinking (you only have seen him sober for the most part as of late). So I don’t think it’s an actual PROBLEM.

And if it’s NOT a problem–well, leave the dude alone. It doesn’t sound at all like this is holding him back in his life–you’re angry at him and you’re making it about the alcohol when it seems like maybe it’s just about the two of you. So stop trying to make him out to be an alky (unless he is!!! but from this letter it doesn’t sound like it) and accept the fact that:

Your lifestyles just don’t match.

You’re now moving onto the next phase of your life. It’s time to decide who you’re gonna be as an adult. And you yourself, you don’t want to be with someone who drinks a lot, and you don’t want to be with someone you’re fighting with. And I think those are good choices.

As for HOW you “lost” him suddenly–well, I think your breaking up with him probably knocked some shoop into him. First, he realized you COULD break up with him, which was painful and perhaps a wake up call. And, second, he realized HE could break up with YOU. Maybe he too is realizing you guys were compatible as college kids but not as long-term adults.

So do what you said and don’t contact him. If it’s meant to be, you’ll find your way back to each other. But my guess is, this was all for the best.

Hearts & Skulls,

Tuffy Luv

Question?! Answer: Ask Tuffy Luv.

Lesson 31: You May Not Be Better Off Without Him…But You Will Be.

No girl is “better off” heartbroken. And yet when you find yourself newly single attending your first mostly-couples party disappointingly sober, the frenemy you wish was just your enemy drops her not-so-consoling version of a consolation for your breakup – “You’re better off without him,” she says and you cant help but want to punch her.

Too often women tell other women they are better off without the man who they’ve recently split from and every time, I can’t help but wonder if they’d still say that if the man who’d just left me had cured cancer or spent his free time saving baby animals from oil spills. Out of habit we tell our girlfriends that they’re better off without their exes not really considering what a statement like that means.

Good intentions aside, something about hearing “you’re better off without him” never really makes you believe it. Unless your ex was a drug-dealing, lying-and-cheating, animal-hating hoodlum, chances are there were parts of your relationship with him that made you happy. Give yourself some credit by giving him some credit. Hearing the words “you’re better off” feels anything but warm when the guy you’re no longer with is actually an amazing person. Maybe your relationship made you a better person and it seems unfitting that you would take away from all that you cherished in the relationship to give in to this whole “better off without him” theory. Not to mention, you’ve got to wonder if there’s someone out there telling your ex that he’s better off without you.

It’s hard to believe you truly are better off without a guy when you’re spending your first few days post-breakup wearing one of his button-down shirts you refuse to give back, unable to leave the comfort of your bed’s comforter. You don’t have to be “better off” to get over a breakup.

There’s nothing eloquent about a breakup so naturally there’s no eloquent way to describe them – breakups suck, period. We’ll tell ourselves anything and everything to get over them but how much of what we try to believe really makes a difference? Why not instead just accept that you won’t feel better off and that you’ll just have to mourn what used to be for a while? Since not all great relationships have great endings, make your own.

Instead of telling you “you’re better off without him,” your friends (or frenemies) should be telling you “it’ll get better in time.” Focus your post-breakup days on healing as opposed to being “better off.” Don’t burden yourself with the daunting task of trying to ignore that you were ever part of a relationship, that you ever shared your life with a guy who decided he didn’t want to be a part of it anymore. Somehow trying to forget something reminds you of it more so if you miss him, accept it and understand that missing someone, while bothersome, is not enough to put your life on hold.

As flattering as it is to believe the women in our lives when they take our sides, saying we’re better off without the men who left us, that they were no good anyway, is simply illogical. Our exes can be our exes and still be good people and more importantly, we can, in time, learn to live without them. Take the parts you love and miss of the relationship, whether it’s fairly life-changing like a sunnier disposition or something as small as remembering to turn the lights off when you leave a room, and each day make an effort to incorporate them in your newly single life.

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Dear Dude,

I’ve been dating this fella for about five weeks.  We get along well, we enjoy each other’s company, he’s good to me, he’s always treated me like a lady, he’s changed some of his habits for me, and he’s a sweetheart.  Here’s the thing though: I don’t want him.  I don’t feel that “spark” with him. I want to end things with this guy, but I’m not sure how to.  I can’t exactly tell him the truth, although I have talked to him about the lack of “spark” I feel and that didn’t seem to bug him.  Yet, I don’t want to give the lame “It’s not you, it’s me” excuse.  He’s a good man, Dude.  He’s just not my happily ever after. So, what can I tell him that will end things but not break his heart?

Sincerely,
Don’t Go Breakin’ His Heart

Dear Don’t Go Breakin’ His Heart,

The cigarette smoke’s caressing my scars. I think of her lips as they told me not to call her again. Not quite a pout and not quite a smile. She wasn’t my happy ending. She wasn’t much of anything. I didn’t think it when she lowered the truck onto my aorta back then but I’m thinking it now: thank you, angel, for cutting my strings…wherever you are…

It’s a harsh reality out there. Like a centipede’s bill at Payless, there’s a hefty price for barking up the wrong tree. You got a Joe that you need to get rid of but you want the job done clean. The craziest part of the world we crawl around in is a simple fact reinforced by fiction: You want to drive him away, you lay him out in the backseat and push it over a cliff.

Take it from a man who’s seen his fair share of heartbreak in this world. You got to be straight. Worse, you got to be brutal. The why’s of the world don’t amount to a hill of beans. You don’t have to spell it out, but you can’t leave a pause in the conversation that he can squeeze hope out of. A simple “no thank you” isn’t going to keep this monkey from swinging behind every tree you pass seeing if you’ll throw him a banana. Cut the fruit off at the vine. Honesty’s not pretty but you got you to put one right between the eyes if you don’t want him getting back up again.

Seems rotten don’t it? Like sour milk in a venti peppermint mocha. Well, nobody said life would always be pretty. Dating’s a gritty game. You want to play with the angels then go join a convent. You want your kicks you’re going to have to put a few into a man’s stomach every once in a while. The heart will heal faster and stronger if the break’s clean.

You’re doing the smart thing. I applaud any woman that doesn’t keep dangling the carrot when she wants the jackass to quit following her. Sad part is, heartbreak isn’t a landmine you can simply step aside of. It’s not your call how he takes it, you just have make sure he gets the message. You might have to be what he’ll call cruel. At the end of the line though, you have to make it clear that he’s a square peg and you’re a round hole. All the fighting in the world won’t make you fit and you don’t want to be involved in the struggle.

What you’re doing is an act of mercy. He might not see it that way but he’ll get over it. If you can find a way to pawn him off on another girl that could help. The next one’s a cure for the last one. Until that happens there aren’t any guarantees of being Twitter or text free from him.

I’ll lay odds he’s got an inkling it’s coming. When one person wants out the other can usually sense it. You might be surprised that he won’t be surprised. Fact is, you won’t know until you do it. He’s got to take the hit.  You got to lay it right across the cheek.

Gentle doesn’t come off as permanent. Play the arrow. You’re not looking to knock him down a few notches, you’re just trying to do what’s best for the both of you. He might not want to hear it. You’ll have to parrot a couple times over. Just don’t change your story and don’t give him a foothold in the decision. It’s yours to make and his to take. He’s got to take the hit.

Time to shake the tree and see what falls on you,
Dude Marlowe

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Most people know how much it sucks to break up with a boyfriend. Whether he treated you horribly or the relationship has just run its course, telling your boyfriend adios is not easy. And is usually followed by tears, vodka, long trips to the gym, or some combination of all three.

The only thing harder than a romantic breakup is breaking up with a friend.

How do you tell someone that is your ultimate best friend and gal pal that, well, you’re just not that into her anymore?

Breaking things off with a BFF is definitely one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. Bottom line: this best friend just wasn’t really a friend anymore. She’d been flaking out on me, was way too caught up in trivial drama, and was never there when I truly needed her. She would only talk about herself and seemed completely uninterested in any details about my life. She seemed to be oblivious to her behavior and our deteriorating friendship, and I couldn’t remember the last time we’d had a genuine conversation.

Once I came to terms with the issues, I knew that our friendship was going to have to end. And then I noticed how eerily similar the end of a platonic relationship is to that of a romantic one.

The Fighting: We started to fight and bicker about the most insignificant details. Our opinions seemed to be on opposite sides of the spectrum, even though we used to finish each other’s sentences and always be on the same page.

The Little Things I Never Noticed Started to Piss. Me. Off: How did I not realize how petty and ignorant she was before? Did she always talk this much gossip about our friends? If she says the phrase,”I’ve never felt this way before!” about another guy, I will scream.

The Talk: I decided to sit down and have the talk with her. You know, about “us,” how it’s just not working and how I really felt. The talk went well, she promised she’d change and apologized for being a bia.

Phasing Her Out: After a few weeks with zero improvement since our talk, I tried the phase-out approach and just stopped hanging out and calling as much.

Let’s Meet for Coffee: The Phase Out Stage didn’t work as we still hung out with the same group of people and were always at the same places. She started to sense that I was distancing myself from her and so we had yet another talk over coffee. And another when nothing changed again. And another after that.

It’s Over: Finally, I told her that I didn’t think our friendship would work. Yes, I friend broke up with her. It’s not that I didn’t want to try and fix the friendship, because I really did, it was just past the point of fixing. I thought long and hard about what it would really mean to lose her as a friend, but I also thought about how happy and free I’d be if I didn’t have to stress about her anymore.

And now here I am. Sure, I spent some nights on the couch feeling lonely as I watched (crazy) girls compete to be Paris Hilton’s BFF, but I’m slowly moving on. Based on my break up calculations, I have a few more weeks of feeling sorry for myself, then I’ll hit the town, distract myself and move on to someone else.

[This story was originally posted by Kim - Standford.]

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