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Dear Tuffy Luv,

I was in a relationship with a guy for a little over four years. Problem was, my guy has two very different sides to him… when he was sober and when he was drunk. He was great when he was sober, and we really had a fun time together. But when he drank, he would be incredibly rude and pick fights with me that always blew out of proportion because I didn’t just quietly sit and take them. While I knew that something was extremely wrong, I kept working on him because he was out of control and I felt that there was no way a person could be this insane. I know what you’re thinking, BIG red flag. For some reason, I had strong feelings for this guy and his sober side always sucked me back in. Well each year he got better and better, and I got busier than ever balancing school and work. It got to the point where I was working early hours on the weekends, and he would spend one night with me entirely sober, and the next night he could go out drinking with his friends. We had a pretty solid routine worked out so that we could avoid this problem, I just couldn’t go out when he drank.

Recently, I have graduated college and he has been in the process of buying his first house. I made it a point not to ask to move in because I am still searching for my first legitimate job and I am getting my life in order, but he included me on the house hunting which was fun. But alas, we were out with friends one night and we got in a horrific fight, to the point where I couldn’t deal with it anymore. I broke up with him, and in two weeks it fully hit me and I was an emotional mess. After doing the biggest mistake (contacting him), he seemed distant and unsure, but we gave it another shot. After a seemingly perfect week back together, he calls me out of the blue and informs me that he is unsure of his entire life right now and does not want to be in a relationship, and that I deserve better. I cut off all ties with him, deleted him from my phone and intend on never contacting him.

While I completely agree with him, it was a long four years spent together. I know that I can never fully help him if he does not help himself or recognize his problems. After pleading with him for years, he refuses to give up drinking and does not think that he has any problem. All of his guy friends know of his problem but won’t confront him about it, because he gets very angry about it which is why this was such a huge problem for us because I don’t take actions like those quietly. Now I usually share some of your same strong views about relationships, it’s just hard when you’re the one emotionally involved. I’m not as upset as before when I had broken up with him, I think not having the guilt of possibly messing up was something that was bothering me. Since he was the one to do it, I feel confident that I will back off and leave this one alone.

But my questions is, how in two weeks did I lose him after four years together? He claims to still love me, but how could he reject me after all of this time? Was I blind to the fact that maybe he didn’t care for me through all of this?

Sincerely,
Exhausted&Confused

Dear Exhausted&Confused,

You broke up with him first. And now he’s all messed up.

I mean, it’s hard to come back from being dumped after four years (which you are now realizing). True, you broke up with him for a legitimate reason (the horrible huge fights you guys have), but, unfortunately, he can’t understand that.

Which, I guess, is what you’re saying the real problem is: his drinking.

Now, here’s where lil’ ol’ Tuffy gets a lil’ ol’ fuzzy on the details. Either he’s an alcoholic who genuinely needs help, or he’s a party guy whose lifestyle doesn’t fit yours. I, as your friendly neighborhood advice columnist, have no way of knowing which one it is.

If he’s an alcoholic, then, absolutely, #1, you should not be with him, and #2, he needs to get help.

However, judging ONLY from the details of your letter (so I may be wrong!!!!!!!!!), it doesn’t sound like he IS an alcoholic. It sounds like he’s a mean drunk.

In which case, you STILL shouldn’t be with him.

But, you know, I mean, he’s buying a house. He seems to have his life together. And he’s capable of NOT drinking (you only have seen him sober for the most part as of late). So I don’t think it’s an actual PROBLEM.

And if it’s NOT a problem–well, leave the dude alone. It doesn’t sound at all like this is holding him back in his life–you’re angry at him and you’re making it about the alcohol when it seems like maybe it’s just about the two of you. So stop trying to make him out to be an alky (unless he is!!! but from this letter it doesn’t sound like it) and accept the fact that:

Your lifestyles just don’t match.

You’re now moving onto the next phase of your life. It’s time to decide who you’re gonna be as an adult. And you yourself, you don’t want to be with someone who drinks a lot, and you don’t want to be with someone you’re fighting with. And I think those are good choices.

As for HOW you “lost” him suddenly–well, I think your breaking up with him probably knocked some shoop into him. First, he realized you COULD break up with him, which was painful and perhaps a wake up call. And, second, he realized HE could break up with YOU. Maybe he too is realizing you guys were compatible as college kids but not as long-term adults.

So do what you said and don’t contact him. If it’s meant to be, you’ll find your way back to each other. But my guess is, this was all for the best.

Hearts & Skulls,

Tuffy Luv

Question?! Answer: Ask Tuffy Luv.

Lesson 31: You May Not Be Better Off Without Him…But You Will Be.

No girl is “better off” heartbroken. And yet when you find yourself newly single attending your first mostly-couples party disappointingly sober, the frenemy you wish was just your enemy drops her not-so-consoling version of a consolation for your breakup – “You’re better off without him,” she says and you cant help but want to punch her.

Too often women tell other women they are better off without the man who they’ve recently split from and every time, I can’t help but wonder if they’d still say that if the man who’d just left me had cured cancer or spent his free time saving baby animals from oil spills. Out of habit we tell our girlfriends that they’re better off without their exes not really considering what a statement like that means.

Good intentions aside, something about hearing “you’re better off without him” never really makes you believe it. Unless your ex was a drug-dealing, lying-and-cheating, animal-hating hoodlum, chances are there were parts of your relationship with him that made you happy. Give yourself some credit by giving him some credit. Hearing the words “you’re better off” feels anything but warm when the guy you’re no longer with is actually an amazing person. Maybe your relationship made you a better person and it seems unfitting that you would take away from all that you cherished in the relationship to give in to this whole “better off without him” theory. Not to mention, you’ve got to wonder if there’s someone out there telling your ex that he’s better off without you.

It’s hard to believe you truly are better off without a guy when you’re spending your first few days post-breakup wearing one of his button-down shirts you refuse to give back, unable to leave the comfort of your bed’s comforter. You don’t have to be “better off” to get over a breakup.

There’s nothing eloquent about a breakup so naturally there’s no eloquent way to describe them – breakups suck, period. We’ll tell ourselves anything and everything to get over them but how much of what we try to believe really makes a difference? Why not instead just accept that you won’t feel better off and that you’ll just have to mourn what used to be for a while? Since not all great relationships have great endings, make your own.

Instead of telling you “you’re better off without him,” your friends (or frenemies) should be telling you “it’ll get better in time.” Focus your post-breakup days on healing as opposed to being “better off.” Don’t burden yourself with the daunting task of trying to ignore that you were ever part of a relationship, that you ever shared your life with a guy who decided he didn’t want to be a part of it anymore. Somehow trying to forget something reminds you of it more so if you miss him, accept it and understand that missing someone, while bothersome, is not enough to put your life on hold.

As flattering as it is to believe the women in our lives when they take our sides, saying we’re better off without the men who left us, that they were no good anyway, is simply illogical. Our exes can be our exes and still be good people and more importantly, we can, in time, learn to live without them. Take the parts you love and miss of the relationship, whether it’s fairly life-changing like a sunnier disposition or something as small as remembering to turn the lights off when you leave a room, and each day make an effort to incorporate them in your newly single life.

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Dear Dude,

I’ve been dating this fella for about five weeks.  We get along well, we enjoy each other’s company, he’s good to me, he’s always treated me like a lady, he’s changed some of his habits for me, and he’s a sweetheart.  Here’s the thing though: I don’t want him.  I don’t feel that “spark” with him. I want to end things with this guy, but I’m not sure how to.  I can’t exactly tell him the truth, although I have talked to him about the lack of “spark” I feel and that didn’t seem to bug him.  Yet, I don’t want to give the lame “It’s not you, it’s me” excuse.  He’s a good man, Dude.  He’s just not my happily ever after. So, what can I tell him that will end things but not break his heart?

Sincerely,
Don’t Go Breakin’ His Heart

Dear Don’t Go Breakin’ His Heart,

The cigarette smoke’s caressing my scars. I think of her lips as they told me not to call her again. Not quite a pout and not quite a smile. She wasn’t my happy ending. She wasn’t much of anything. I didn’t think it when she lowered the truck onto my aorta back then but I’m thinking it now: thank you, angel, for cutting my strings…wherever you are…

It’s a harsh reality out there. Like a centipede’s bill at Payless, there’s a hefty price for barking up the wrong tree. You got a Joe that you need to get rid of but you want the job done clean. The craziest part of the world we crawl around in is a simple fact reinforced by fiction: You want to drive him away, you lay him out in the backseat and push it over a cliff.

Take it from a man who’s seen his fair share of heartbreak in this world. You got to be straight. Worse, you got to be brutal. The why’s of the world don’t amount to a hill of beans. You don’t have to spell it out, but you can’t leave a pause in the conversation that he can squeeze hope out of. A simple “no thank you” isn’t going to keep this monkey from swinging behind every tree you pass seeing if you’ll throw him a banana. Cut the fruit off at the vine. Honesty’s not pretty but you got you to put one right between the eyes if you don’t want him getting back up again.

Seems rotten don’t it? Like sour milk in a venti peppermint mocha. Well, nobody said life would always be pretty. Dating’s a gritty game. You want to play with the angels then go join a convent. You want your kicks you’re going to have to put a few into a man’s stomach every once in a while. The heart will heal faster and stronger if the break’s clean.

You’re doing the smart thing. I applaud any woman that doesn’t keep dangling the carrot when she wants the jackass to quit following her. Sad part is, heartbreak isn’t a landmine you can simply step aside of. It’s not your call how he takes it, you just have make sure he gets the message. You might have to be what he’ll call cruel. At the end of the line though, you have to make it clear that he’s a square peg and you’re a round hole. All the fighting in the world won’t make you fit and you don’t want to be involved in the struggle.

What you’re doing is an act of mercy. He might not see it that way but he’ll get over it. If you can find a way to pawn him off on another girl that could help. The next one’s a cure for the last one. Until that happens there aren’t any guarantees of being Twitter or text free from him.

I’ll lay odds he’s got an inkling it’s coming. When one person wants out the other can usually sense it. You might be surprised that he won’t be surprised. Fact is, you won’t know until you do it. He’s got to take the hit.  You got to lay it right across the cheek.

Gentle doesn’t come off as permanent. Play the arrow. You’re not looking to knock him down a few notches, you’re just trying to do what’s best for the both of you. He might not want to hear it. You’ll have to parrot a couple times over. Just don’t change your story and don’t give him a foothold in the decision. It’s yours to make and his to take. He’s got to take the hit.

Time to shake the tree and see what falls on you,
Dude Marlowe

[Isn't he wise? Don't you wish you could get more? You can! Check out The Dude's other insights into the male mind right here.]

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Most people know how much it sucks to break up with a boyfriend. Whether he treated you horribly or the relationship has just run its course, telling your boyfriend adios is not easy. And is usually followed by tears, vodka, long trips to the gym, or some combination of all three.

The only thing harder than a romantic breakup is breaking up with a friend.

How do you tell someone that is your ultimate best friend and gal pal that, well, you’re just not that into her anymore?

Breaking things off with a BFF is definitely one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. Bottom line: this best friend just wasn’t really a friend anymore. She’d been flaking out on me, was way too caught up in trivial drama, and was never there when I truly needed her. She would only talk about herself and seemed completely uninterested in any details about my life. She seemed to be oblivious to her behavior and our deteriorating friendship, and I couldn’t remember the last time we’d had a genuine conversation.

Once I came to terms with the issues, I knew that our friendship was going to have to end. And then I noticed how eerily similar the end of a platonic relationship is to that of a romantic one.

The Fighting: We started to fight and bicker about the most insignificant details. Our opinions seemed to be on opposite sides of the spectrum, even though we used to finish each other’s sentences and always be on the same page.

The Little Things I Never Noticed Started to Piss. Me. Off: How did I not realize how petty and ignorant she was before? Did she always talk this much gossip about our friends? If she says the phrase,”I’ve never felt this way before!” about another guy, I will scream.

The Talk: I decided to sit down and have the talk with her. You know, about “us,” how it’s just not working and how I really felt. The talk went well, she promised she’d change and apologized for being a bia.

Phasing Her Out: After a few weeks with zero improvement since our talk, I tried the phase-out approach and just stopped hanging out and calling as much.

Let’s Meet for Coffee: The Phase Out Stage didn’t work as we still hung out with the same group of people and were always at the same places. She started to sense that I was distancing myself from her and so we had yet another talk over coffee. And another when nothing changed again. And another after that.

It’s Over: Finally, I told her that I didn’t think our friendship would work. Yes, I friend broke up with her. It’s not that I didn’t want to try and fix the friendship, because I really did, it was just past the point of fixing. I thought long and hard about what it would really mean to lose her as a friend, but I also thought about how happy and free I’d be if I didn’t have to stress about her anymore.

And now here I am. Sure, I spent some nights on the couch feeling lonely as I watched (crazy) girls compete to be Paris Hilton’s BFF, but I’m slowly moving on. Based on my break up calculations, I have a few more weeks of feeling sorry for myself, then I’ll hit the town, distract myself and move on to someone else.

[This story was originally posted by Kim - Standford.]

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[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of getting the pity-eyes as you sift through the Self-Help section at your campus bookstore? Over wondering what those boys are thinking?  We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question (Why can't we be friends?) over to askthedude@collegecandy.com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time.  So bring it on, ladies.]

Dear Dude,

My boyfriend broke up with me recently. He gave me legitimate reasons and used the “we’re not working, but I don’t want to lose you completely” line, which I’ve received too many times before. But this time, this ex is actually going through with trying to be friends. We broke up on Saturday and saw each other one last time on Sunday when he helped me move my stuff into a storage unit. The strange part comes about 5 minutes after we said goodbye on Sunday. He texted me right after he drove off and continued texting me well into the night on Sunday, and he texted me every day since, multiple times a day. If I don’t text him back, he’ll text me a couple of hours later and we’ll talk for a few more hours.

My question is: Why did he break up with me to just turn around and try to be friends 5 minutes later? My friends think that he’s not done with our relationship and the that 8 hours of distance we’ve had to deal with this summer was too hard for him to manage, and that he’ll try to pick things back up when I get back to school in the fall. I’ve just never experienced a break-up that didn’t end bitterly and that involved a boy that still contacted me on a regular basis. I don’t know what to do. Help!

Sincerely,
As Confused As Ever

Dear As Confused As Ever,

There are so many ways to break up with someone: Post It pummeling (aka the Burger blurb), the e-mail eradicator, over coffee (which you must then offer to buy!), or the good old fashioned  talk. The question arises, what’s the best way to tell someone that it’s no longer working for you? “It’s not me, it’s you,” “I’m going through a time of transition,” “I’m complicated and knowing my history, we’ll last longer as friends,” “I want to preserve what we have as friends,” “This says you can’t come within 500 feet of me,” “Didn’t you get my message?” and the one I think is probably the wisest, “I need some space.”

Space after a break up is necessary. Now what’s screwy and unfair with your situation is that he isn’t giving you any. Being the breaking upper (albeit this is a small generalization), you tend to have more time to prepare for the break up. You’ve thought about it, you’ve been trying to mentally and emotionally prepare for the reality that the bond you have with that person is about to change (or end). The breaker upper knows what they need and it’s only responsible to give the other person the time to process. It’s bullsh*t of him to not give you the same courtesy of adjusting to this new reality.

The bitter break up is not inevitable or mandatory. There are some more civil endings to relationships. However, an immediate friendship within 24 hours is likely torture for one party and a crutch for the other. You’re being tortured because he’s using you as a crutch.

Tell him to give you your space. A friendship is possible once enough time and change has occurred. If you rush right into being best friends afterward, all signs point to leftover sexual and romantic inclinations being present. The blurrier the lines are after a break up, the likelier you’re heading to a head-on collision. You have to establish new boundaries with each other and stick to them or else a fight where you chew each other out is inevitable. Tell him this: if he really wants to be friends, you both need to find out who you are apart from each other. Whether or not he thinks he needs time apart isn’t the issue; you have to do what you need to do for you. You’re not subject to what he wants – be assertive and tell him what you need. You can be friends, but when both of you are ready.

Heartbreaking, dream making, love taking

The Dude