When I was in 8th grade, I went from flat-as-a-board to a large C in a matter of months; when I discovered binge drinking in college, my Freshman Fifteen accumulated in my breasts, and I was busting out of 36 DD bras, but refused to buy anything bigger because I felt like a freak. Over the past year, a strict cardio regimen has reduced my girls to a 34 DD, but I still long for the old days: a perky pair no bigger than a handful. That being said, why Miss Hershey would intentionally strive for the “World’s Biggest Breasts” is beyond me.

I can’t wear halter tops. Tube tops have never even been an option. Empire waists cut across the middle of my boobs, and any triangle cut will have me looking like a prostitute. To all the petite girls out there: the next time you are getting ready to go out to a bar or club, pick something out that doesn’t fall into one of these categories. More often than not, I end up feeling like a librarian when I’m surrounded by girls who can show off their shoulders, backs, and not-obscene cleavage.

My boobs are embarrassing. Once a friend developed a picture of me, and doubled over with laughter because my jugs looked ginormous in the pic. I’ve also had small children point and laugh. I worked at a restaurant with a female manager who was notorious for not buttoning her blouse all the way, and a coworker called her out on her unprofessional cleavage. Her response? “Kathryn shows off her cleavage!” Not willing to be her scapegoat, I snapped, “I could wear a turtleneck and I’d still have cleavage.” It was only funny because, sadly, it’s true.

I wish I could see what I’d look like with a more proportioned rack. I bet I’d look like I lost ten pounds, if only my upper “half” didn’t account for 75% of my body weight. I bet my lady lumps wouldn’t fly out of control on the elliptical, despite being strapped in by a sports bra and support tank. Above all, I bet I would never, ever consider going under the knife for a breast enlargement surgery. Let alone NINE surgeries. Can breasts be too big? My vote is in: YES.

[Photo courtesy of Boinkology.com]

Well super-cool Jessica Levine of Florida decided the website was no booby trap (pun most definitely and superbly intended) and ended up winning a great new set of lady lumps. Good for her, way to go chicky.

Really, I’d bash this whole system, website, idea, all the girls who actually participate, all the guys who actually give up their hard earned Benjamins for some lip-glossed randy, but honestly? It’d be too easy. I feel no need to bother.

The best part? The check was presented to Levine on the last day of the Erotica-LA convention (at least it wasn’t Star Wars?) by the Pulitzer Prize winner Jenna Jameson (just kidding).

Now, if Jameson and a porno parade are involved, it must be a pretty legit organization, no doubt (somewhere Hugh Heffner is nodding his head).

The moral of the story?

If you want free boobies, put on naughty costumes, take pictures of yourself, and hope that there is a lonely creepy (loaded) old man out there who finds you worthy.

Don’t worry about that war still going on, or toil over the fact that none of our upcoming presidential candidates support gay marriage. Besides, global warming won’t be that bad with a shiny new pair of silicone double D’s, duh.

Thanks, myfreeimplants.com!

My lunch break at work usually consists of a quick dash for coffee and my brown-bag sandwich, but next year, I could also use that hour for a quickie boob job. Cytori Therapeutics, a California biotech company will be introduced a procedure called Celution—a one-hour breast enlargement injection.

The procedure involves minor liposuction of fat from the patient’s stomach or buttocks, and then injecting the fat mixture into breast tissue. A few thousand dollars later, you can expect your breasts to gradually enlarge over a period of sixth months.

The company claims their initial focus will be reconstructive surgery in breast cancer patients, but I can’t imagine that’ll last too long. And I won’t be surprised if this super-charged fat injection procedure makes its way to other parts of the body as well. J.Lo booty over lunch hour, anyone?

Or perhaps a natural-looking way to get fuller lips—well, as natural as it can be for your lips to mysteriously, albeit slowly, grow over a period of months. I can’t help but be a bit weary that the decision to get a breast augmentation might be made on your way to grab your boss a cup of coffee.

It’s still unclear how the defects from the procedure are repaired and clinical trials are currently under way, but the process has already been approved in Germany, which means it is legal across the EU. Backpacking through Europe this summer? Stop in for some new boobs to surprise your parents with over Christmas break!

It’s possible that I simply don’t understand the angst of flat-chested women and why someone would take the risk because I have rocked a solid C since sophomore year of high school.

Well maybe our dear Heidi Montag from The Hills could explain a thing or two to me. Yes, it’s official: Heidi decided to do something about her itty bitty titties. She recently underwent surgery for breast implants in Beverly Hills.

According to usmagazine.com, “Heidi just doesn’t want to make a big deal out of it,” says a source. “She did this for herself, and she’s hoping to keep it as private as possible.”

Oh Heidi, I’m sure the new twins will be kept “very private” when splashed across the screen of your next reality show venture.