Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of getting the pity-eyes as you sift through the Self-Help section at your campus bookstore? Over wondering what those boys are thinking?  We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question (Why is my ex sending such mixed signals?) over to askthedude@collegecandy.com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time.  So bring it on, ladies.]

Hey Dude,
I have issues with self-esteem. Even though I know I’m fairly attractive (5’9, blonde, tan skin, brown eyes, telling you this so you get a perspective on the issue) dress pretty well, and don’t have a problem getting guys attracted to me, I have no boobs. Yes, I’m flat, and it’s not like I’m super skinny so my body just looks way out of proportion. I have contemplated plastic surgery just so that I can feel completely comfortable showing off my body. I want implants because I worry about guys judging me on the type of body I have wayyyy too much. Now that I’m going to get surgery though, I’m scared that guys will just judge me more for going through with this than just staying with my size.

What is your take on a girl with fake boobs? I am doing it for ME, not for anyone else, but I don’t want to regret my decision when a boy is like “you were so insecure that you actually got implants? Wow, you are not the girl I thought you were.”

Looking forward to your reply,
-Oregon Girl

Dear Oregon Girl,

Quoth the Turtle: “I believe in a woman’s right to choose.”

A lot of men like a woman who’s really…smart. Big boobs are an eye-catcher. Sorry ladies, fact is fact. Men are visual creatures. Bazoomas are visual parts of a woman that seem to demand attention particularly during these warm summer months (have I mentioned summer is my favorite season?).  I can’t defend my gender’s obsession over ta-tas because, truthfully, what’s there to defend? The human body is looked upon by men as a magnificent work of natural art.  We are in awe of your lines, curves, and take notice of every thrilling alteration to the universal form.

When you get big boobs you are inviting more attention to them by straight men. This is part of the appeal of getting them. Period. Yes, I believe you want to feel comfortable in your body (although I know from my friends with D’s that having large mammaries can cause back issues) but my theory is that you’re looking for a confidence boost and it’s clear where you think you can get it from…and odds are that you will.

Men are fascinated by the magical, mystical, gravity defying, sacred orbs of pleasure. Why? Who the hell knows. After a while all you need is a handful.  Perhaps in the primal processes of our reptilian brains men use boobs as a criteria for choosing the most desirable mate to procreate with. Or perhaps we grew up watching too much Baywatch as adolescents. Bottom line: big boobs garner sexual attention and that’s one of the things you’re looking to get. So, DON’T FEEL ASHAMED ABOUT IT!

I understand you don’t want to feel shallow but plastic surgery of any kind is done, on some level, out of vanity. Hey, there’s nothing wrong with vanity up to a point. I don’t want to smell like Matthew McConaughay after a half-marathon so I wear deodorant (seriously Matthew, get over yourself and wear some or just move to freaking France already!).  That’s an act of vanity. Women cover up their cheeks with blush or circles under their eyes with that cover-up stuff in order to look “more natural” and thus more beautiful. Those are acts of vanity, too. You know what, nothing wrong with any of them and there’s nothing wrong with getting implants if you feel like it’ll really add something to your life that you’re missing. Just understand that you are sexualizing yourself.

Men are going to be drawn at first glance to your boobs more than before and they will certainly be an asset to attracting new men. Will some people think you’re shallow? Yes. Mostly other women (by the way, is it me or are you girls more obsessed with each other’s boobs than us?). But that’s the price of bountiful bosoms. Even women with God given double D’s are scrutinized and belittled by some women (generally flat-chested narcissists).  So do it but be prepared to take your lumps from the females. As far as guys are concerned, this is a no brainer (just a pro-boner. Nice, high five? Anybody? Oh come on! That was legen-wait for it-dary) . Once the boys see your new puppies they’ll just want to pet them rather than thinking about the ethical variables of your decision to adopt them.  Aw, puppies…

Go for boobies,
The Dude

The increasingly in-demand surgery is (gasp) a boob reduction… for men.

Man-boobs, or moobs, have definitely become more common thanks to the McDonald’s Dollar Menu and the deliciousness that is queso dip, and have recently been seen on celebs like Jack Nicholson, John Travolta and more.  They’re certainly not attractive, but is it really necessary to go under the knife and have them chopped off?  What about doing some bench presses, bros?

Okay, I guess I’m just having trouble coming to terms with men getting boob jobs (they have implants, too!). While I’ve already started saving for the booby lift I’ll inevitably need one day (can you imagine what these now C-cups will look like after popping out a few kids!?), I always envied guys for not having to worry about their chest protrusions. We’re supposed to be the vain, self-conscious sex, and I can’t figure out if it’s comforting or just plain weird that guys have the same insecurities.

Much like mullets, fanny packs, and jorts, I guess moobs are an eyesore trend I’d be happy to see less of. Lord knows I’d much rather feast my eyes on some drool-worthy pecs (David Beckham, anyone?) than some saggy sacks of fat. And if a little moob reduction is what it takes, then I say bring it on!

But maybe we can make everyone happy and save some of the leftovers for some of our flat-chested lady friends? Just a thought…

I love the way I look. I’m confident and generally pleased with my body in a bikini. Well, at least I am now… after my breast enhancement. That’s right, I have implants and I’m not ashamed of it.

I’ll give you a moment to get all your thoughts and comments out of the way:

“I can’t believe you succumbed to breast implants just to fill some ignorant societal notion that ‘bigger is better.’”
“Getting implants is so slutty.”
“You’re an embarrassment to women and should be ashamed for fueling the fire for women to attain an impossible body image.”

Trust me. I’ve heard it all. But maybe it’s time for you to hear my side of the story. I’m not giving you the stink eye for going all natural (or spending all your money on Victoria’s Secret’s latest push-up), so hear me out.

I never was extraordinarily flat-chested, but I couldn’t fill out my prom dress the way most girls could. I had perky ta-tas, but they never drew any attention. I was unhappy with my chest, which left me rather unhappy with myself. I envied girls with bigger chests; I often felt they were more worthy than me. And why not? The guys who were walking right past me and fawning all over them and their cleavage-y ways seemed to think so.  I even resorted to stuffing my bra a couple times; particularly embarrassing when I had bits of Kleenex poking out of my Gap tank top after gym class one day in high school. Boarding school kids show no mercy.

The point is, I wasn’t happy with my body and I wanted to do something about it. I can work out and get a flat tummy, throw some cover-up under my eyes when I’ve downed too many dirty martinis at Pure and guess what? I can go to my doctor and get him to boost my, errr, confidence.

I know the taboos and I knew all the risks going into the surgery, but I’m thrilled with my choice. I feel better about ME. It’s not about pleasing others and it doesn’t mean I’m going to run out and pose for Playboy (at least not yet) or hop onto a pole (although I am a big fan of Carmen Electra’s strip tease excercise DVDs); it was a personal choice and I feel my life has improved significantly in more ways than one because of it.

No one says anything to the girl who works out six days a week and starts eating healthy when she feels self-conscious about her weight. Same for the millions of girls who dye their hair or layer on the makeup every day. We all have our insecurities and, let’s be honest, we’d all do just about anything to fix them and make ourselves feel better.

My boobs were my insecurity and my implants make me feel better. In fact, they make me feel great.

And really, what’s so different between what I did and, say, that water bra you picked up last week?

Lindsay Lohan was dating Heath Ledger!?

Tracy Morgan is raunchy. And some people are surprised?

Scandal at Cornell! (And this is JUICY.)

Nicole Richie brings her style to Bebe.

Some women will do anything for a new pair of boobs…

Glee is a giant success! (Duh. It’s awesome.)

In Miami, a plastic surgeon is sucking out the fat in women’s unsightly muffin tops and injecting it into their breasts. Talk about killing two birds with one huge suction device. Minimize the love handles, maximize the love jugs. If that’s wrong, I don’t want to be right.

Now that I think about it, it seems so obvious. Women have been getting liposuction for years. Why waste all that precious fat when it could be put to good use and make you look slammin’ in a halter top?

Honestly, I can see the appeal of this type of procedure. It’s essentially rearranging the fat on my body until it’s in its rightful place… my bra. Plus, just think of the days leading up to the procedure: “Sorry guys, I have to eat this entire pint of Ben & Jerry’s by myself. I have surgery tomorrow.”

So the next time the dreaded drunk munchies hit, I won’t hold myself back from ordering the large Domino’s pizza with breadsticks. In fact, bring it on. I’m really lacking up top and I’ve got some new skinny jeans to fit into.

Phew! I was worried I could only afford one boob. That would have been a little weird.
Thank you, Dr. Hotchandani!

Beyond the obvious, “Are those things bigger than her head?” I was left with so many questions.

WHY????

Why would she even need boobs that big? How does she find clothes that fit? How does she find bras that fit? Can she even close her arms? Can she give someone a hug? How does she sleep? Can she go running, or would that be too dangerous? How does she even stand up without falling over face-first? How did her skin stretch that far? Could someone suffocate in there? Do her boobs get swollen during PMS? Is there an animal/small man trapped inside there? Does she even need to use a table anymore to eat her dinner?

It seems that Sheyla is yet another publicity whore looking for an unconventional way to get famous without actually doing anything worthwhile. She’s appeared on Fox News, The Insider, and, as her website states, “Her career is just taking off and about to soar to heights of majestic proportions.”

Pun intended? We think so.

Oh, and we proceed to eat every fatty, salty, chocolaty, everything that is in our path no matter how hard we were working out the week before.

So, when searching for this week’s recipes- I thought, “IDEA! Why not give our faithful CC readers some easy recipes that will satisfy your PMS cravings and not pack on the pounds?“

So sit back with some Midol, a heating pad, a good ‘ol sappy movie and a big, huge fork and indulge — sans guilt!

Oven Baked French Fries

(with ketchup, and a little salt they will taste like the real deal- try sweet potatoes if your feeling crazy!)

What you need:

6 lg. russet or other baking potatoes, scrubbed

Vegetable spray

Directions:

Preheat oven to 475 degrees. Cut potatoes into 1/2 inch strips or leave thicker if you prefer more of a potato wedge. Lightly spray baking pan with vegetable spray. Lay potatoes in a single layer on baking sheet.

Spray strips with vegetable spray before placing pan in oven. Bake 15-20 minutes, turn them and continue baking until crisp and browned, approximately 15-20 minutes more.

Chocolate Mousse-Cream Cones

(from my favorite guilt-free food site: Hungry-girl.com

Ingredients:

2 Keebler Ice Cream Cups

1 JELL-O Sugar Free Pudding Snack, Vanilla (or any flavor!)

2 tbsp. HERSHEY’S Syrup, Sugar Free; refrigerated

1/2 cup Cool Whip Free

(1 cone: 83 calories, 0.5g fat, 150mg sodium, 19g carbs, 0.25 fiber, 2g sugars, 0.5g protein)

Directions:

Begin by pouring 1 tbsp. of chocolate syrup into each cone. Swirl around until inside of cone is well coated; place in freezer immediately. In a small dish, combine Cool Whip and pudding; stir until blended. Place dish in freezer for 45 minutes to 1 hour. Remove cones and mousse mixture. Spoon mousse evenly into and on top of cones.

Optional: Top each cone with a drizzle of the sugar-free syrup! Serves 2.

Weight Watcher S’mores

What you need:

1 Chocolate Graham Cracker

1 lg. Marshmallow

Split the Graham cracker in half.

put one half of the cracker in the microwave and cook until the marshmallow is puffy. Top with remaining half of cracker.

*Add a little Organic Peanut Butter to make this super yummy!

WW Points: 1.5 pt.

Okay, since breast implants were quite the hot topic a few days ago, I feel the need to share my most recent discovery in the world of surgery. And let me tell you, it is sickening. Supposedly, Israeli researchers are developing something called an “Internal Bra.”

Confused as to how this is possible? Well, it’s simple really. “What we’ve done is build a silicon bra, insert it into the body and attach it to the ribs and to the fascia. It’s like a normal external bra,” explains one of the researchers.

I cannot even begin to imagine what kind of medical problems this could cause for women in the long run.

Oh, it gets better. “I was thinking that with a harness created from materials used in medicine – silicon, threads and very small anchoring screws – we could support breast tissue and avoid further breast sagging.”

Yes, because having saggy boobs is a justifiable reason to turn your body into some sort of mechanical robot experiment composed of harnesses and screws. Hopefully you caught my sarcasm.

Maybe I am overreacting, but this new procedure sounds, and looks, insane.

Would you consider getting an internal bra inserted?

For flat-chested girls, having a full C, or even B, cup would be a dream come true. It was for Heidi. I know multiple friends of mine that have commented on how much they want larger boobs and would consider implants when they are older. Personally, the idea of inserting foreign substances into my chest sounds uncomfortable and unappealing. But, I also may not fully understand the woes of those still not satisfied with their knockers.

Well, a recently published study in the Annals of Plastic Surgery showed a strong link between breast implants and suicide, which I found very interesting. According to USA Today, the study found that “women who have breast implants are three times as likely to die by suicide and have a similar increased risk of death as a result of drug use or alcoholism.”

The study followed more than 3,000 women, and found no big increase in suicide risk in the first 10 years after surgery. But, the risk grew by 4.5 times 10-19 years after, and then to six times higher compared with the expected suicide rate after 20 years.

Although these results are significant, it is also hard to tell whether they are due to previous psychiatric illnesses that were not diagnosed…But, in my opinion, that’s a pretty large increase for these women. Maybe because many women that receive plastic surgery are already somewhat unhappy with their body in some way or another? And are unable to shake these feelings even with implants? Who knows, just thinking out loud here.

Regardless, I think that any girl who is considering a plastic surgery procedure should give it some serious thought. Will it really change how you feel about yourself or are there other factors you should deal with first?