WTF is up with man-heels?

Kendra’s sex tape might not be so bad for her….

Did porn almost kill Bret Michaels?

Well, that’s one way to deal with a cheater.

And this is why these people are single.

HOLY HELL. What are hipsters going to do now?!

Check out Miley’s spicy new video.

More boobs for Heidi Montag.

Bret Michaels is on the road to recovery!

How to make uncomfortable shoes wearable.

Lindsay Lohan did something right! (Sorta….)

That’s an interesting way to recycle…

Finally, we’ve made it through a week without a cheating scandal! Hollywood’s finest has managed to keep it in their pants for a whole seven days. Good job, celebutards!

Crucial Information

1. Bret Michaels suffered a brain hemorrhage this week, landing him in the ICU in a Phoenix hospital. Doctors think the cause may be from his diabetes. He is doing a lot better and is now speaking, which is a big improvement. His team is hoping he’ll be well enough to resume his tour at the end of May. Get well soon, we need another season of Rock of Love!

2. Sandra Bullock is a mom! I can’t believe she kept this secret under wraps for so long. Sandra and Jesse have been in the adoption process for four years and brought the 3 1/2 month old baby home before the Oscars. Since the news of Jesse’s infidelity broke, Sandra has confirmed she has filed for divorce and is adopting as a single parent. Good for her! It’s nice to see her getting back on her feet.

3. It’s the Biebonic plague! Justin Bieber has caused massive insanity in Australia and New Zealand this week. Bieber Fever hit and about ten girls fainted and a few went to the hospital. I love me some Biebs, but this is out of control. Someone even pushed his mom!

4. Jenna Jameson’s boyfriend, Tito Ortiz, was arrested for domestic violence earlier this week. Jameson reportedly had visible injuries and claimed he threw her into a bathtub, but she’s been having trouble keeping her stories straight. Ortiz said she has a painkiller addiction, but Jameson passed a drug test a few days ago. Yesterday, Jenna Jameson withdrew the allegations claiming the whole thing was a misunderstanding.

5. Lindsay Lohan continues to be a hot mess. This week she Tweeted up a storm after her fame whoring father, Michael Lohan, busted into her apartment with the cops. He proceeded to start a Twitter war with her and accused her of being HIV positive! This family needs to go to Dr. Drew therapy and get their shizz together.

Less Crucial Stuffs

1. Chelsea Handler is the latest victim of a sex tape scandal, but the comedian revealed it’s part of her stand-up reel. Whether that story is true or just a very clever cover-up, that woman can do no wrong in my book.

2. Gleeks get ready! The Glee tour dates have been released. It’s not a big tour, but if you’re in those areas, definitely check it out. And invite me!

3. Steve Carrell has sadly confirmed that the next season of The Office will be his last. Let’s hope they end the show completely, because as much as I love me some Jim, there’s no show without that man.

4. Katie Holmes will be playing Jacqueline Kennedy in the History channel’s series, The Kennedys. The Internet world doesn’t seem to think she’ll be able to handle the job, but at least she’ll be able to leave Tom Cruise’s watch for a few weeks.

5. Iron Man 2 comes out this weekend, so check out hottie Scarlett Johansson.

Is Lady Gaga gonna pull a Heidi Montag?

Beautiful fashion that’s good for Mother Earth.

What happened to Bret Michaels?

WTF is Martha Stewart doin’ in a frat house?

Britney Spears is on nipple watch.

Another bar fight for Snooks?

What is wrong with this girl?

In light of the recent engagement of mesh-shirt-wearing, Twitter-obsessed Michael Lohan and former Jon Gosselin flame Kate Majors (the chick who quit her job at Star Magazine because she had fallen in love with the deadbeat dad), we are forced to wonder: could Kate Major be in the Guinness Book for World Records for having the worst taste in men on this planet?

We thought so, but then we started thinking and, while sad and seemingly impossible, there are a few women out there who might be digging even deeper in the dung pit of horrible men. And here they are: the only 5 women on earth who have worst taste than Ms. Major.

Britney Spears:
How could we even start a list like this without this woman?  With the exception of Justin Timberlake (and hey, we don’t even know if he’s that awesome as a bf) her dating list has been a train wreck.  I mean, we owe the celebrity of KFed to her alone. And who can forget that time she invited paparazzi Adnan Ghalib to get a first-hand look at her life? Ugh, don’t even get me started on that facial hair. Brava, Britney, brava.

Jessica Simpson:
When she first came on the scene, we loved her as the newlywed to boybander Nick Lachey.  Precious.  But following the end of that marriage, it was stinker after stinker.  John Mayer?  Scum.  Tony Romo?  Engaged less than a year after their two-year relationship ends.  Billy Corgan?  …Weird.

Ashlee Simpson:
I guess when your dad is Joe Simpson you’re pretty much guaranteed to fall for dbags. When we first heard of Jessica’s punky younger sister she was dating Ryan Cabrera.  At the time, this wasn’t so bad, but seriously?  That guy?  We get it, your dad was managing him too, but his hair actually makes me angry.  Now, she’s happily wedded to…Pete Wentz.  Yes, that Pete Wentz, who wears more eyeliner than me, got a tattoo of his friend’s face on himself and has been known to walk around with a paper plate mask on to “fool” the paparazzi.  Good one, dude.  Wah wah.

Sandra Bullock:
Sorry, but home girl has to be on here. Sure, she’s had some pretty great guys in her past (Tate Donovan and Ryan Gosling, just to name some hotness), but her recent dud cancels all that out. From the facial hair to the tats to the whole “I’m secretly a neo-Nazi who likes to bang other women on my office couch,” Jesse James is pretty scumtastic. You know the guy is bad when I’d rather spend a night with Jon Gosselin than spend a minute breathing the same air as this guy.

Anyone Who’s Ever Been on Rock/Flavor of Love: Ok so for at least three seasons, women were falling all over themselves to get with either Bret Michaels or Flava Flav.  Yes, Flava Flav.  An aging rock star with extensions and tattooed eyeliner is pretty bad, but it has to be said, at least at one point Bret Michaels was hot.  Flava Flav looks like a tiny raisin wearing a clock around his neck.  That is like cartoon character status, but for some insane reason, skanks the world over want to be this guy’s lady.  That is the ultimate in bad taste.  Sorry hos, your time is up.

I am a chronic list-maker, whether I have to make a difficult decision or not.  Lists help me organize my thoughts and remember important facts and details that I need for later.  However, there are some things that I would rather forget and that’s what this week’s showdown concerns.

Reality TV shows are, in general, pretty awful.  Yes, I do get some satisfaction from seeing Speidi flail about in the jungle, but most of the satisfaction I get from reality TV comes from seeing D-list celebrities I hate fail miserably at life.  One of those D-list celebrities is Bret Michaels.   Another would be Billy Ray Cyrus (I know he’s not on a reality TV show, but it’s coming…I’m sure it’s coming).  It’s tough to say which one is more retarded, since the rate at which both losers attempt publicity stunts makes my head spin and therefore makes it hard to think clearly.  However, I’ll do my best to clear up this pressing issue.

Love Life
Bret Michaels is a whore.  What’s worse is he’s a white-trash whore.  I mean, everyone who’s seen Rock of Love (in its many incarnations) knows that Bret likes the ladies and he likes ‘em slutty and slightly dirty looking.  I don’t know if it qualifies as a “love life,” but he sure gets around.

Billy Ray Cyrus is married.  Surprised? Me too.  He’s mostly seen around his daughter, Miley, so it seems his duties as a creepy father are intruding on his love life.

Point: Brett Michaels. Dude, give it up.  No one except gold-digging skanks want your old, dirty ass.

Fame Whorishness
Bret Michaels is a major fame whore.  He was in a crappy band and is now in his 37th season of a dating show that throws all of his former groupies at him one disgusting, siliconed, sticky bunch at a time.  I’m pretty sure any “talent” he had is now gone.  You never can tell, though, because there’s always a tramp or three hanging off his lip.

Billy Ray Cyrus is a really creepy fame whore.  Not only is he always around his daughter Miley, he’s always in her TV show, her movies, her songs…seriously, step off!  Your time is done!  Go grab a bottle of whiskey and put Achy Breaky Heart on repeat to remind you of the good times.

Point: Billy Ray Cyrus. Mooching off your daughter’s success just to be in the spotlight?  Lame.

Family
Bret Michaels has two children. What! Someone procreated with that man?  I hope that his children don’t have cable, because if I ever saw my father doing anything remotely close to what Bret does on Rock Of Love, I would literally kill myself after barfing up my internal organs.

Billy Ray Cyrus has a famous daughter and some other children.  Seriously, how would you feel if you were one of the forgotten Cyrus children?  What do they do when their father and sister are out making fools of themselves at photo shoots and on movie sets?  Well, without those two crazies they probably lead normal lives.  Good for them.

Point: Bret Michaels. Nothing good can come from the seed of that man.

Talent/Career
Bret Michaels has talent…and that talent consists of making slutty, white-trash girls act even sluttier all in an attempt to get in bed with him (even though he is dirty and old…can’t stress that enough).  Poison sucked.  Yeah, I said it.

Billy Ray Cyrus had one hit song and then a lot of barely mediocre songs.  Now he’s not making songs and just feeding off the success of his daughter.  Some career.  Still love me some Achy Breaky Heart, though!

Point: Bret Michaels. His lack of career is more pathetic than Billy Ray Cyrus’.  If that’s even possible.

Celebretard Prize Goes To:  Bret Michaels...and overwhelmingly so! There is literally nothing I like about that man.  I think he may have some real mental issues…as in a complete lack of intelligence.  At least we all got the satisfaction of seeing Bret getting his face rearranged by stage equipment at the Tony Awards (well, those of lame enough to stay in and watch the Tony Awards, anyway).  Ah, satisfaction.

For all the crazy cat ladies out there – get fit!

Bret Michaels is a real martyr.

People really hate Chris Brown. Duh.

Will Ferrell can’t handle the Twitter heat.

Wow, Kate Gosselin really effed up this time.

Mel Gibson not convinced he’s the father.

The best kids shows of the 90′s.

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The hottest guys of fashion.

Bret Michaels…at the Tony Awards?!

In case you don’t watch any of VH1’s reality shows, after doing everything (and I do mean everything) including getting her ass kicked by a past contestant to try to win Bret Michaels’s affection; Daisy was totally denied and had her little heart crushed on national TV.  Now, Daisy gets a “real” shot at love, and she’s the one with the passes in her hand this time! Bret Michaels who?

With a few seasons of VH1 reality shows under my belt, I can’t say that I didn’t see this one coming. Daisy was the same type of possessive, clingy, addicted girl as New York.  She spent most of her time on Rock of Love 2 either having sex with Bret Michaels, like New York with Flav, or crying over Bret Michaels, like New York with Flav. It was only right that she too got her own show — just like New York.

I hate to be negative, but I don’t believe one single person has found their true love through reality shows, and I’m starting to wonder if they ever really intend to. I don’t foresee Daisy’s relationship lasting after the season finale.

I do, however, foresee her show being packed with the same over-dramatic, drunk, sex-induced insanity that all the VH1 reality shows provide (thus why I adore them!).  If you loved Daisy on Rock of Love 2 or are just plain interested in getting on TV, they are doing casting on the internet.

You still have plenty of time to be a part of the VH1 madness and/or Daisy’s lover.

How do I know? Because I’m really, really looking forward to this.

Yes, you understood that video correctly–there is going to be a show in which reality “stars” from Flavor of Love, Rock of Love, and I Love New York compete for cash (specifically, $250,000). And not the actual stars. It’s going to be the doofuses (doofii?) who competed for the lame stars’ hearts. (Note: New York is not lame. New York is a marvel of nature whose delightful bizarreness I will love for always. Just so’s ya know.)

Annnnyway, let’s take a look at the cast, shall we?

Brandi C. from Rock of Love

That weird blonde chick from the first season who kept calling Bret her boyfriend is back for the moolah. Having tried porn after she got off the show (frankly, not surprising), she was ready to jump back on the screen and into our hearts. Wait, did I say hearts? I meant nightmares.

The Entertainer from I Love New York

The crazo who got kicked off the show for living with his parents is back for more. This guy was pretty freaking crazy–there was an episode where he was convinced the house was haunted, so he wouldn’t take off his construction helmet. And I mean; what those two wacko things even have to do with one another I do not know.

Hoopz from Flavor of Love

The first ever (of three, but still) winner of FOL is back to kick some butt. She always seemed kind of dumb to me (and I was pissed when she beat New York [have I mentioned I really like New York?]) but maybe she’ll actually keep the prize this time…

Midget Mac from I Love New York

Yeah, he never had a chance before, but maybe he’ll win this one! MM is a wacky lil’ guy (I can say that! I’m under 5′ myself!), but he’s actually pretty lovable. I hope he wins it for his kids.

Megan from Rock of Love

And *ahem* Beauty and the Geek. Lame. Megan is like my least favorite of all of these people. Not only does she appear to be an idiot, but she also appears to be vindictive, like when she took what’s-her-face’s note off Bret’s door and then copied the idea and lied about the whole thing. She totally sucks, and is totally NOT as cute as she seems to think. Therefore, I hope she gets kicked off first.

Nibblz from Flavor of Love

I actually had to look this one up. And then, unfortunately, I remembered. Nibblz is the bisexual stripper who showed Flav’s friends her boob. Also, she was gross and has a weird lisp. But, okay, good luck, Nibblz. Let’s see what you got.

Real from I Love New York

Real was third place on season 1. He was Chance’s brother (who New York obviously should have chosen–I’m sure, New York! But I’m glad you ended up with Tailor Made after season 2!) and actually seemed almost like a normal person. For this reason, I doubt he’ll last long, but, still, gotta root for the nice guy.

Chance from I Love New York

Like I said, shoulda won season 1! But, whatever. Chance should be awesome on this show. He’s got a weird attitude and temper, but he’s actually really funny, which is appealing in a sea of bland reality-show-wannabes. Plus I think he’ll put it into his music with Real, which is just fun and cool. Come on, Chance!

12 Pack from I Love New York

The male stripper who drank more than everyone combined and who then went off and started a touring party boy thing with Heat (his lover? just speculation on my part) is back. His face is nice, but personally, I find his freako muscles really frightening. But, you know, except for the frat boy machismo thing, he was pretty enjoyable to watch. Here’s to hoping he will be again.

Heat from I Love New York

I thought Heat was really hot (no pun intended), but it turned out he kind of had no personality. Maybe his function is this show is to make out with 12 Pack and set the show on its head when they all fight about whether or not that makes them gay.

Destiny from Rock of Love

She was kind of a groupie with a bad attitude, but, then again, her dad was very ill, so I’m going to give her a little bit of a pass and try to see her with fresh eyes this time around. Maybe she’ll throw a drink in someone’s face again. That was kind of funny.

Heather from Rock of Love

I don’t know why, but Heather was kind of the breakout star of ROL. I mean, at first she seemed like a manbot junkie for Lacey, but then she realized Lacey was evil and kind of had a righteous moment. I don’t know. I’m conflicted. But everyone else seems to love her, and she is kind of tough as sh*t, so maybe she’ll be cool.

Mr. Boston from I Love New York

He’s a gross nose-picking geek with the worst voice you can imagine (no, even worse), but New York really liked him for a while. I don’t like him, but I appreciate that he’s not a complete idiot. Maybe he’ll finally triumph. However, in the meantime, I’ll be needing earplugs.

Pumkin from Flavor of Love

Pumkin is so wild she got kicked off of Charm School for being slutty. She spit on New York (boooo), but she’s pretty funny, so I’m excited to see her back again. I mean, yeah, she’s gross, but she’s amusing. So bring it, Pumkin–let’s go!

Rodeo from Rock of Love

She’s the 85-year-old who honestly thought Bret would pick her (hint: he ended up picking a 19-year-old…so…yeah). Okay, she’s not 85, but she’s got to be in her 40s, yes? What is she doing on reality TV?! While I’m tempted to say, “get a life, lady,” Rodeo actually didn’t completely suck. Although it is weird that her name is Rodeo. Also, she’s nuts. But, meh. I’ll give ‘er a go.

Whiteboy from I Love New York

He was pretty boring, but maybe he’ll suck less here. I guess he had kind of a stoic thing going. I just can’t imagine him competing very hard. Hell, I can’t imagine him doing much. Because he’s boring.

And last, but certainly not least,

Tastee from Flavor of Love

Yeaaaah, boiiiii!!!! Tastee! Too slutty for Flav! And that’s saying something! She got kicked off for being a porn star. And she seemed so tiny and quiet! And yet somehow completely untrustworthy…didn’t she cause a fight or something? I forget. Anyway, Tastee! Psyched to have you back!

I know this is going to be the worst show ever. But I also know that I will watch it. And I know many, many other people will as well. And that’s how I know society as a whole has failed.

Thoughts?!

[Image courtesy of http://mbmfiles.com/]