Last time: Aubry looked a fool and…that’s really it.

It’s the morning of Episode 5 in the ROL house and nine girls remain. Rather, three women, one dummie and five skanks. Big John gathers the naughty nine or whatever Bret’s calling them; I don’t know because I’m so fixated on Big John’s scarfless head. Unlike Bret, lurking under Big John’s scarf is a full head of his own hair. He even styled it. Big John’s on the prowl for leftovers!

The challenge for this episode is Bret’s Mud Bowl 2. Daisy the Blowfish says that she’s never played – good, I hope that you get injured.

The teams are named the Sweethearts and the Fallen Angels, which sound like cheesy girl biker gang names. Bret looks absolutely ridiculous in shorts with those chicken legs. Dude, my grandpa’s legs are buffer than yours. Read More »

I must confess that I’ve been unable to watch a new full episode of Rock of Love. I keep catching it 28 minutes in and I don’t have tivo or any of that fancy crap so I must make do one what I saw.

Shall we?

I am happy to have missed Lacey’s return. I hated her so much that I carry those stank feelings into the new season. Didn’t they roller derby in the last season? I’m sure. Clearly the objective for each team in the Season Two derby is to protect the baby in the stroller and whichever team incurs the least amount of damage on the plastic doll wins a date.

So blah blah derby and the team with Trantastique, Inna, Aubry and Ice Princess Kristy Joe wins. The first three get a group date with Bret and KJ gets a private date.

I heard that Bret took the first three to a burlesque club where they each had to do sexy dance and I use the term sexy very loosely. I’m sure that Inna rocked it; I don’t know how Aubry measures up. And I know that Trantastique not only got naked, she got in trouble for it. I. Love. This. She-man. Read More »

Jessica Simpson, Lauren Conrad, Justin Timberlake, Jes Whats-her-name from Rock of Love, Tila Tequila. What do all these people have in common besides pretty faces? Clothing lines of course!

It seems that every star and pseudo-star is coming out with more stuff for us to buy. You know you want to smell like Britney Spears (booze and cigarettes?) and of course we all need some Lauren Conrad boots. You can even buy Jessica Simpson hair extensions.

Every single celeb has something to sell, and we need to stop them. Immediately. Half the ladies from Rock of Love seem to be announcing clothing line launches. Mia and Jes have ties in Chii Clothing Culture which consists of cheesy t-shirts and hoodies. Nothing very interesting, but certainly helping extend their fifteen minutes of fame.

Jessica Simpson’s clothing line “Sweet Kisses” is exactly what is sounds like. Whore clothes for nice girls. Please don’t let your daughters leave the house wearing this stuff. Unless you are Joe Simpson, then you may use your daughter for your financial gain as much as you please.

Lauren Conrad’s line consists of what I like to refer to as “the bag dress,” and cheaply made scarves and shawls. These things aren’t exactly bargains, although maybe in Lauren Conrad’s world they are. You can also buy 45 dollar leggings. I wonder how long LC had to study in design school to create black leggings. Ugh, my contempt grows. Read More »

I feel like there is going to be a hole in my Sunday nights where Rock of Love used to be. The reunion special that aired on Sunday was the last we will be seeing of Bret Michaels and his lovely ladies for a while. Well, until they come out with a Rock of Love 2.

For those of you who missed the airing, or the hundred replays this week on VH1, I offer you this recap of all that went down on the final episode of my favorite show this year.

The show was hosted by Riki Rachtman. (for those of you who were three when he was famous, Rachtman was the host of Headbanger’s Ball in the 80’s and a close friend of Axl Rose).

Rachtman brought out the “Barbie Twins” first; Kristia and Brandi C. These two are either really stupid, or incredibly good at using their dumb acts to their advantage. The two are living together in Los Angeles and often share the same bed. They like to put their enormous breasts together to think better. This gets Bret “a little turned on.” Apparently everyone on reality TV has a clothing line coming out, and these two are no exception. I’m sure it’s going to do really well. Right? Read More »

After 30 minutes on the elliptical, sweat trickling down my back, face red and unattractive, legs shaking, the first thing I think is, damn, I wish I smelled like peppermint.

Reebok must have heard those imagined thoughts (because I certainly never thought them) and created a product that pretty much defies all logic but still probably sells well: the scented sports bra!

For a mere $28.95, your breasts can smell like they just brushed their teeth…or something. What’s the value in having minty fresh boobs?

I guess for the sweaty chicks among us, the minty scent can mask the otherwise offensive odors that may eminate from our chest, right? I mean sports bras and boob sweat go together like Bret Michaels and strippers! Read More »

It was tough, but I made it through the last two days of reality television to provide you, the reader, with some of the highlights of the best television from the weekend. It was difficult, but I swear that a six pack of Corona makes it really entertaining.

Ok, I’m lying I find it completely entertaining without drinking…maybe.

The Hills

The Hills has really impressed me this season. Somehow Lauren Conrad has wormed her way into America’s hearts and suddenly I find myself just rooting for the girl. Last night, though was really spectacular and I found myself wanting to jump through the TV and punch Spencer in the face.

Jason has returned from his little stint in rehab and reconnects with Lauren. We are all a little skeptical of his return but he seems sort of genuine in that Jason way that he wants to be friends with Lauren. She is hesitant as well but is doing the good ex-girlfriend thing and being there for him. They go to dinner and who do they see at the restaurant but Heidi and Spencer.

I have no doubt that MTV whispered sweet nothings about the restaurant in both of their ears, but still it was AMAZING to watch. Read More »

With shows like The Bachelor and MTV’s Next long played out, it’s no wonder that many of us have lost our interest in reality TV shows based on finding love.

By now, it’s become more than blatantly obvious that many of the shows are scripted with characters who all fit the same few personality descriptions. The process of watching these bimbos battle it out for some hairy neandrathal has become tired and frankly, boring.

So, why have I seen every episode of VH1′s new Bachelor-esque reality TV show Rock of Love? I’ve been trying to answer this question myself. I could care less about the star of the show, Bret Michaels, the lead singer of the 80′s hair band Poison.

He’s not particularly attractive, his band is forgettable, and he seems kind of lame for a rock star. The show seems to depict him as boring- he has no defining characteristics. He’s nice enough to the girls he’s “dating”, but doesn’t show any signs that he may be able to handle an actual relationship.

Every time he appears on the show, he’s either participating in show-sponsered dates, or walking around with a beer in his hand and an uninspired look on his face. Read More »