So as you know (if you’ve read my past few columns) I broke up with my boyfriend about a month ago. And by breakup I don’t mean the whole, back-and-forth linger type-of-thing. I mean, cold turkey, cut him out! A friend recommended I take the “30-Day Challenge,” where you don’t see, speak or creep (shocking, I know) on the kid AT ALL for 30 days. I accepted the challenge and am pleased to say that after 30 days I feel like a new person. I feel more myself than ever in the past year, bettered by the failed relationship and am genuinely happy again. So please, I’ll be accepting virtual high-fives for completing that one!

The point is, a breakup is hard for both parties involved no matter the circumstances. And though I had my low moments, I still wanted to jump right back into the dating scene. Why? Because I’m young and there are hot guys everywhere at my university! Because I like to meet new people! Because not all guys are going to hurt me and I’m ready to meet someone worthwhile. And finally, because sometimes a drunken make-out is simply the best way to get over that douchebag! (Even if just for the three minutes while Weezy plays in the background).

So take it from a girl living through the dating scene after a breakup. It hasn’t been that long, but I’ve definitely learned some valid things. Even if you’re not fresh from a breakup, these tips can still help you out, too!

1. Shots and Ke$ha: Let’s be real here, after you have to tell someone you once loved goodbye, sometimes you just need a damn drink. Or two…or seven. No shame with this one! Alcohol sure does boost your self-esteem and when you throw in some crappy Ke$ha jams and a few friends on a dark dance floor, the night is all yours. So how will this help with your dating dilemma? Yeah, it’s probably not the best way to score a top-notch guy, but a good grind and sloppy make-out sesh never hurt anyone, right? Think of it this way; you’re just having some fun before the real guy comes along. And who wants to be at a coffee shop at 1 a.m. on a Saturday night waiting for that tall, handsome guy holding the latest Chuck Palahniuk novel to walk in, anyway? I know I’d rather be drunk and doing the stanky leg, that’s for sure!
2. Use your connections: Once you’ve gotten your “three-for-three” weekend out of the way (that means going out Thursday, Friday and Saturday night in the same weekend), it’s time to actually meet a decent guy. The easiest way is to ask the people around you! My friends and family know my character best and wouldn’t set me up with an asshole, so they’re the first people I turn to when wanting to get back into the dating scene. Two of the guys I’ve been seeing since the breakup were both introduced to me by friends and family, and both are pretty amazing so far!
3. Be bold: Ladies, it’s 2011, not the 1950s. It’s now socially acceptable to ask a guy to coffee or even a study sesh if you’re not ready to totally put yourself out there. If he says no or that he’s busy and doesn’t make further plans, let it go! In my past experiences, if you show you’re interested and he doesn’t respond immediately how you’d hoped, give him some time and he’ll come around. However, being bold doesn’t mean being a stage-17 clinger. Refrain from asking him out multiple times even if you really like the guy. If he wants to see you, he will.
4. Don’t settle: I know we’ve heard this our whole lives, but there’s something about when your mom sits you down and tells you, “Secret Girl, don’t settle, you’re better than that,” and suddenly it just clicks. I’ve already learned that if I start dating one guy and no other prospects are on the horizon, I’d rather not waste my time on an idiot just to say I’m dating someone.

Case in point: One of the guys I recently stopped seeing came over and watched a movie at my apartment. I have a charcoal sketch of a naked woman hanging on a wall in my room, and when the guy walked in he said, “BOOOOOOOOBS!” Um, yeah, get out. No seriously, get out right now. It’s called art, not giant tits plastered all over my wall.

• Look for douchelord tendencies: If I were to meet the “me” from a year ago, I’d shake her and say, “Run the other direction!” But had I not dated the kid, I wouldn’t be able to spot asshole tendencies from a mile away, as I can today. No really, it’s a talent. Here are some d-bag-isms learned from past relationships, club-hopping and other’s experiences.

• His friends are assholes (it’s a dead giveaway, friends say a lot about a person).
• He lives off of his parents and flaunts their money as if it’s his own hard earned cash.
• He cusses too much and wants to talk about vaginas at dinner. (Over a mediocre dinner– Me: “So how was your day, babe?” Dumbass: “What do you think lesbians do to each other during sex?”) WTF.
• He’s wearing a pastel polo…collar popped.
• He knows every word to that Apple Bottom Jeans song.
• He’s wearing thick-stitched True Religion denim.
• He wants to buy you a drink but won’t let you come to the bar with him (*cough* Rufilin *cough*).
• He makes you feel bad about yourself. (Get out quick!)

The bottom line? Be confident in who you are, know what you want and go for something if it comes your way! What do you have to lose? Your dignity, pride? Eh, maybe. But hey, there’s plenty more guys out there! And who knows, true love might be just around the corner if you’re open to it.

Curious to see how our resident He Said gets over a break up? Wait, do I even want to know?? Brace yourself and click through to COEDMagazine to…uh…enlighten yourself.

Dear Dude,

I’ve been dating this fella for about five weeks.  We get along well, we enjoy each other’s company, he’s good to me, he’s always treated me like a lady, he’s changed some of his habits for me, and he’s a sweetheart.  Here’s the thing though: I don’t want him.  I don’t feel that “spark” with him. I want to end things with this guy, but I’m not sure how to.  I can’t exactly tell him the truth, although I have talked to him about the lack of “spark” I feel and that didn’t seem to bug him.  Yet, I don’t want to give the lame “It’s not you, it’s me” excuse.  He’s a good man, Dude.  He’s just not my happily ever after. So, what can I tell him that will end things but not break his heart?

Sincerely,
Don’t Go Breakin’ His Heart

Dear Don’t Go Breakin’ His Heart,

The cigarette smoke’s caressing my scars. I think of her lips as they told me not to call her again. Not quite a pout and not quite a smile. She wasn’t my happy ending. She wasn’t much of anything. I didn’t think it when she lowered the truck onto my aorta back then but I’m thinking it now: thank you, angel, for cutting my strings…wherever you are…

It’s a harsh reality out there. Like a centipede’s bill at Payless, there’s a hefty price for barking up the wrong tree. You got a Joe that you need to get rid of but you want the job done clean. The craziest part of the world we crawl around in is a simple fact reinforced by fiction: You want to drive him away, you lay him out in the backseat and push it over a cliff.

Take it from a man who’s seen his fair share of heartbreak in this world. You got to be straight. Worse, you got to be brutal. The why’s of the world don’t amount to a hill of beans. You don’t have to spell it out, but you can’t leave a pause in the conversation that he can squeeze hope out of. A simple “no thank you” isn’t going to keep this monkey from swinging behind every tree you pass seeing if you’ll throw him a banana. Cut the fruit off at the vine. Honesty’s not pretty but you got you to put one right between the eyes if you don’t want him getting back up again.

Seems rotten don’t it? Like sour milk in a venti peppermint mocha. Well, nobody said life would always be pretty. Dating’s a gritty game. You want to play with the angels then go join a convent. You want your kicks you’re going to have to put a few into a man’s stomach every once in a while. The heart will heal faster and stronger if the break’s clean.

You’re doing the smart thing. I applaud any woman that doesn’t keep dangling the carrot when she wants the jackass to quit following her. Sad part is, heartbreak isn’t a landmine you can simply step aside of. It’s not your call how he takes it, you just have make sure he gets the message. You might have to be what he’ll call cruel. At the end of the line though, you have to make it clear that he’s a square peg and you’re a round hole. All the fighting in the world won’t make you fit and you don’t want to be involved in the struggle.

What you’re doing is an act of mercy. He might not see it that way but he’ll get over it. If you can find a way to pawn him off on another girl that could help. The next one’s a cure for the last one. Until that happens there aren’t any guarantees of being Twitter or text free from him.

I’ll lay odds he’s got an inkling it’s coming. When one person wants out the other can usually sense it. You might be surprised that he won’t be surprised. Fact is, you won’t know until you do it. He’s got to take the hit.  You got to lay it right across the cheek.

Gentle doesn’t come off as permanent. Play the arrow. You’re not looking to knock him down a few notches, you’re just trying to do what’s best for the both of you. He might not want to hear it. You’ll have to parrot a couple times over. Just don’t change your story and don’t give him a foothold in the decision. It’s yours to make and his to take. He’s got to take the hit.

Time to shake the tree and see what falls on you,
Dude Marlowe

[Isn't he wise? Don't you wish you could get more? You can! Check out The Dude's other insights into the male mind right here.]

There are a few things in life that never cease to put me in my happy place.

Frozen Yogurt.
An awesome concert.
Pumpkin Spice Lattes in the fall/iced coffee in the spring – both while sitting outside.
Cozying up in bed on a rainy afternoon with some childhood classic movie – The Parent Trap remake anyone?! (Amazing movie but still makes me sad for LiLo.)
A late night convo with my best friends.
A new song that I love so much I keep listening to it on repeat:

Monday night, when I interviewed our surprise guest (check back for our ’90s bracket results and our surprise interview later today!) he/she/it told me about this new song saying it was a MUST listen. Insisting that as soon as we get off the phone I go listen to it on YouTube, even going so far as to email me her/his favorite version of the song. This person was so passionate about this new jam that I thought anyone who goes on and on about this song with a total stranger is either A) totally overselling it or B) totally onto something good.

I listened and was instantly hooked. And I know for a fact I’m not the only one; in the past three days this song has spread like herpes. Even my conservative/probably-has-never-had-more-than-two-drinks-at-a-time brother was posting it all over Facebook like it was a new political campaign and he needed votes.

If you don’t know what I’m talking about, listen to Cee Lo Green’s new smash (which, might I add, has taken over the internet but doesn’t even come out officially until October 4th), F*ck You.

It’s brilliant. It’s snazzy. It’s fun. California Gurls/Cooler Than Me/every other song that came out this summer holds no candle to it. It makes you want to sing it in the shower, blast it in the car with the windows down, run to it at the gym and chant it with your BFFs at every pre-party as you sip your vodka sodas and put your hands up in the air simultaneously singing, “F*ck You!” (all while someone is taking pictures of it to be posted and tagged within less than 24 hours with the album title F*ck You, obvi). AND, it’s the most fun way to give a big F*ck You to all those exes who stomped on your heart.

This song manages to exude both anger/resentment/F*ck You-ness while at the same time putting you in such a feel-good happy place. A weird juxtaposition, yes, but – dayummmm – it works. By the end of the song, I don’t know if I’m elated or pissed off, but I do know that I want to play it again. And I promise now that you know about it, it will do the same for you.

Well they just broke up yesterday.

To say I was surprised and upset is a gross understatement. When she came up to me sobbing, I wanted to sob right there with her. Of course I feel beyond awful for her and it hurts me to watch her hurt so badly, but it’s more than just the two of them that’s got me so emotional. My faith in love is shaken. What could have possibly happened to such a perfect couple that after 4 years he just decides to call it quits? And if these two people with so much history, so many inside jokes, who have survived so much together, can’t make it, how the hell is anyone else supposed to?

Even more, all this break up sadness has me thinking back to my own break up. Exactly one year ago, I was  the girl crying after the boy I’d dated for more than three years broke my heart. I was part of the ex golden couple. I was the broken half of a once-perfect pairing. And being reminded of how vulnerable, how upset, how disoriented I was… It makes me not want to ever be back in that place ever again.

Yet it makes it hard, because if you aren’t willing to be at least a little bit vulnerable and to take a little emotional risk, you can’t really ever have a real relationship.

So now, after a night wiping my friend’s tears and trying to soothe her heart with pretzel M&Ms, I’m at this weird little standstill between being scared that I won’t ever fall in love again and not wanting to even try out of fear of being broken once again.

Sometimes being single really sucks.

Last week was my school’s spring break, and while I spent half of the time in Arizona, (where it RAINED for three out of five days), the other half was spent in Chicago with the boy that I dated all through high school.

Oh yeah, him. I can try to play it off as casually as I want, but this now single girl went through the entirety of high school being coupled. And having the boy that you dated for three years come to visit you in your new life is anything but casual.

FACT: I dated him all through high school, we fell in love and he broke my heart. Hardcore, he crushed my heart.

FACT: He has been apologizing for breaking my heart since last August, and I didn’t even respond for the first month and a half of his apologies. His persistence finallyconvinced me to respond once, and he later persuaded me into talking as ‘friends’ ever since.

FACT: I have been on so many dates and hooked up with many guys since we were over, and I have yet to find anyone that I was not comparing to him.

FACT: We have been talking and texting every day, talking on the phone or iChatting late into the night a few times a week since November.

FACT: I go to school in Chicago. He goes to school in Pittsburgh. I have zero faith in long distance relationships.

FACT: Whenever we are together, over breaks etc., things between us are just as they’ve always been. He knows me ridiculously well, and loves my quirks. Unlike other guys I’ve dated, he knows that I will never be on time regardless of how hard I try, that calculus will never be interesting to me, that I am the world’s biggest blanket hog, and that he has to cover my eyes if there are snakes in movies because otherwise I get nightmares about them.

FACT: I still love him, and at this point it feels like I probably always will.

FACT: We haven’t been talking much since he got back to school, because I told him I needed some time to clear my head.

FACT: We have no idea how to define the weird shape that our non relationship has taken.  I love having the freedom of being single and not technically being in a relationship. But now I don’t know what I want, or what I should do.

FACT: My brain is on overload right now and has no idea as to how to handle this mess of a situation.

A huge part of me knows that I really probably shouldn’t even be talking to him, that it is dangerous for me to be doing so, and will probably only result for more heartache for me in the end. Plus, seriously, I have nice guys that I don’t have any history with who live in the same city as me right now that I should probably be paying more attention to.

The other part just can’t resist the feelings that come back when talking and being with him. There’s something about knowing that a boy can still adore you even after such a long time that makes you feel comfortable in that favorite-old-sweatshirt kind of way. But it’s Spring – a time for cleaning…. maybe it’s time to toss the old sweatshirt?

I have no idea how I have managed to put off thinking about this whole mess of a situation for so long, but denial was apparently my coping strategy of choice. And it was working well. But I guess I had to face things eventually. I just wish I knew how.

Dear Dudeness,

OK, so I need your help. My ex dumped me about 8 months ago saying that we needed space. I called BS and we didn’t talk after that. But yesterday we were talking, just catching up and I was secretly checking to see if he was with someone. Well he ended up inviting me to a party and so I went. We didn’t really talk at the party; he came up to me and said hi but I was really busy winning beer pong. Then me and my friends left to go get Taco Bell and when we got back he had left. He said earlier that he would come back for me if I needed a ride and I ended up needing one, of course, so he came and got me.

Long story short, we ended up in my room about to have sex and then he blurts out: “You were the only girl I ever loved.” Umm WTF? I told him it was just sex and that we didn’ need to discuss that right now (I was trying to not be clingy… did I get it right?) but then he told me that again later on. Why? He was the one to dump me and say we needed space. My ex broke my heart right in half and I don’t want to do the whole obsession thing of wondering what he meant, but why would he tell me that? It was almost awkward. Almost.

Anyways I’m totally rambling but I figured you would know what to tell me.

Thank you, dude!
Taylor

Dearest Taylor,

Last week I discussed the similarities of guys and dogs.  Same reasoning applies.  Dogs chase things because they love the thrill of the chase.  Guys chase girls for the same reason.  We may not even like a girl all that much, but if she responds to what we are doing, we will pursue like a bloodhound on the trail of an escaped convict.

Your fella is probably experiencing the phenomenon of “dump my girl and burn through as many chicks as possible letdown.”  This occurs when a guy is getting some very good responses from his main squeeze.  She falls for him, it boosts his ego, and he thinks he can do the same thing with any girl he wants.  But then reality kicks in and he realizes what worked for you isn’t working with the rest.  Cue crawling back and professing undying love.

Be careful with this one.  You could end up being the rebound girl to yourself.  Find out why exactly he dumped you in the first place.  If it was something about you, has it changed?  If not, then why would he feel any different the second time around?  If he wanted to test the old saying of other fish in the sea and cast his line into open waters, then I would imagine he wouldn’t be a good choice for a steady boyfriend.

– The Man, The Myth, The Dude

[Got a question for Mr. Dude? (And, no, that doesn't include asking him out; homeboy is taken!) Ask it: askthedude@collegecandy.com. He won't sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. He'll be 100% real dude, 100% of the time. So bring it on, ladies.]

So, I’ve found a book for all you victims of the summer fling.

Often, relationship self-help books focus on clever ways to meet men. You know, the art of the wingman, etc, etc. However, for most of us, the problem is not meeting men – it’s meeting NICE men. And maintaining a relationship with these nice men. And that’s where JM Kearns steps in.

His first book “Why Mr. Right Can’t Find You” was of the typical relationship self-help type and focused on meeting men. But, with his next book, he steps up his game and goes to a place few relationship self-help experts are willing to go. First by healing your broken heart… then, after you’re feeling good, telling you what you’re doing WRONG.

The book is written in two parts. Part one is titled “Repairing the Effects of the Breakup.” No matter how long a relationship is (even one week – ya, I’ve sadly been there), the breakup hurts like hell. Even if you cant admit it, you’re ego is damaged and recovery is necessary! Kearns maintains that before you can start a new relationship, you’ve got to nurse your heart and build up confidence. And when you’re ready for step two, you can move on and learn from your relationships.

No one likes to hear that they are the one sabotaging their relationships. When a great guy breaks up with you, your friends assure you that it is his fault and he is losing out. But maybe you’re the one forcing the relationship down the tube, albeit, subconsciously. Kearns delivers some much-needed tough love in the world of relationship books and hits women where it hurts, for their own good! In Part two, “Unlocking the Lessons of the Relationship,” Kearns lets women step back and examine their past relationships, to see where they are going wrong.

For anyone who is nursing a broken heart or, just has bad luck in love, “Better Love Next Time” is a great read. Not only does it allow you to learn about yourself, it encourages you to grow and get yourself ready for the love of your life!

Dealing with a creepy coworker.

Miley’s about done with Hannah Montana.

Sacha Baron Cohen bares it all for GQ.

Fix your hair to get over a broken heart.

The best facial cleanser ever?

We all know that women tend to be a little more emotional than men, but when it comes to break ups, shouldn’t everyone be a little hurt? Shouldn’t both parties be at least a little emotional?

Why then does it always seem like the guys are moving on so much faster? While we sit home and watch sad movies and listen to sad music as our friends force feed us, our guys are out at the bar with their friends picking up chicks and having a grand ole’ time.

How can they get over it so quickly? Are girls – even serious girlfriends – that disposable and easy to move on from? I asked one of my boys for the lowdown. His perspective may not make you feel better, but it does explain a lot.

Is that…Brad Pitt?

Oh yeah, ‘peen in slow motion

How the world would vote for our President

Hot and Hotter get married

Surviving a broken heart: week one

 Adnan: could we hate you more?

Oh Posh…you confuse me

Laugh your abs into shape

Heather Locklear’s arrest on tape

Amy Winehouse knows she’s effed

Celebrities need protection too, okay?

Katy Perry: trying too hard?