Question?! Ask Tuffy Luv.

Dear Tuffy Luv,

I need help.  Two days ago my boyfriend and I split up.  We had a fight about him disappearing for a while without any explanation.  I was furious because that has happened to me before; in high school I had a long-term boyfriend who one day left school and disappeared without telling me.  I never heard from him again.

Well, this past weekend I was afraid that was happening again and I panicked.  When he finally did get back to me I was furious at him for making me panic like that.  I said things I didn’t mean and then we were over.

He had said he was busy (not strictly true because he had been on the phone and he could have found five seconds to let me know everything was fine). I later found out through talking to our mutual friend that he was upset with me and that was why he hadn’t gotten back to me.  So then I was even more upset with him for not being honest with me.

But here’s the thing: this whole thing is my fault.  The whole time we were together, practically, I didn’t trust anything he told me.  I’ve had relationships in the past, and they all turned out terribly.  I realize that everyone has terrible relationships sometimes, but it seems like everyone I care about lets me down.  I don’t trust anyone.

Understand, it’s not the little things I don’t trust him with.  When he says he’s with friends and stuff, I don’t care.

Here’s an example.  One night we were talking, and he was drunk and he said things like he wanted to be with me for a long time, he could see living with me, etc.  And it was so nice of him to say those things.  But it freaked me out!  I mean, I love him, of course, and I feel that way too, but having him say it made me feel uncomfortable, like I didn’t think he meant it.  So the next day I was uncomfortable still and we had a mini-fight and I ended up asking him not to say things like that anymore.  (That’s one of the reasons he was upset with me.)

I realized that this is exactly what happened with my high school boyfriend, when I didn’t trust him and the left.  I feel terrible, and I was messed up over that for years. I don’t want to make the same mistake twice.

So my question is this: how do I learn to trust my boyfriend?  What do I do now to make him see I’m sorry and I need him?  How do I stop picking mini-fights over tiny things because I can’t trust that he’s telling me the truth?

Sincerely,
Mistrustful Me

Dear Mistrustful Me,

Girrrrrrl. You need to find a balance between trusting your gut and letting your paranoia eat your face.

It’s like this: Everyone gets let down. It’s true. Friends, family, strangers, they’re all acting in their own best interest, and that’s just human. Unfortunately, sometimes that means someone gets hurt.

In your case, it’s this high school boyfriend who screwed you up. But I think you need a reality check on this one.

I seriously doubt dude dropped out and disappeared because of you.

Sorry. I know it’s become super romanticized in your head and all, but that shoop is just too nuts. The reason he left is a mystery, yes? Now he may not have CONTACTED you because he didn’t want to deal with you. But I seriously doubt he left HIGH SCHOOL because of you. Really. Let’s get a grip here.

However, that said, Aunt Tuffy can totally see how that would floop you up. I mean, it’s a pretty dramatic thing to happen. (PS Hope he’s okay, youknowwhatimean?!?!)

On to the present.

Your now-ex-boyfriend didn’t like that you couldn’t trust him. No one does. In order to be with someone, you HAVE to be willing to be a little vulnerable to them, and that means trusting them when they ask you to.

So in your next relationship, you gotta work on this. Yes? You will take deep breaths and not freak out when everything isn’t perfectly on your schedule.

HOWEVER!

There is a fine line between trusting and being stupid. Because we’ve all got instincts. We all know when someone’s lying.

And in this case, I gotta say, even though I think you’re paranoid in the android, your guy WAS lying to you and I think you sensed it.

I think it’s over with this guy, to be honest with you. Lessons have been learned, correct? You ask how to not pick fights; the answer is, DON’T PICK FIGHTS! If you’re upset about something, give yourself some time to cool off and then ask yourself: Is this really a problem or am I just being paranoid? If, after you’re no longer emotional, you still think something is suspicious, then you can bring it up IN PERSON and in a CALM AND KIND MANNER. If it doesn’t seem like a huge deal after you calm down, you have got to learn to just let it go.

Let it go. Let it go. Let it go.

Speaking of letting things go, get rid of that baggage too. Honestly. We all have bad stuff happen to us; when you let it go, you set yourself free. None of this is not such a major deal that you can’t learn to do that, just like everyone else. Trust me, you’ll be way happier. And you deserve that, kid.

Hearts & Skulls,

Tuffy Luv

Last week, my male friend over at COED Magazine shared his thoughts on how we ladies handle life after a break up. And let me just say, I haven’t LOLed that hard since the first time I watched this. (OMG. Just watched it again. HILARIOUS.)

It’s just so amusing to think about how little guys know about us (Note: I’m sure it was just as ROTFL-worthy for Paul when he read my thoughts on guys after a break-up); how they think we just bounce right back, better than ever, immediately following “the talk.” I mean, that’s not a bad thing. Their assumptions are way less disturbing (and pathetic) than the reality for most of us.

A reality which I’m about to lay out, in all it’s honest glory.

So let’s break down some walls and let it all hang out:

He Says: They’ll do better without us.
Reality: Yes, we probably will. Once we don’t have to waste our time getting in text fights or taking care of your drunk ass, our lives will finally have some meaning again. We’ll return to the gym. We’ll look hotter than ever. We’ll get our swagger back and hit the town….hard.

….Eventually.

First, of course, we’ll focus on all the happy happy fun times we won’t have anymore. The amazing kisses. The snuggle sessions. The cute way you furrowed your eyebrows when you were working on an Econ problem. How cute you looked in those Nike classics. How romantic you were….that one time when we first started dating, even though you haven’t done jack-sh*t since then. We’ll rely on our friends to remind us hourly (and every 4 minutes when we’re drunk) how awful and selfish and annoying you were.

He Says: We’ll Sleep with THAT guy.
Reality:  Yeah, there’s a chance that in a fit of deep depression we’ll finally give in to the sexual tension and get with someone who’s been around for awhile. More likely though, after our friends throw us in the shower, stab us in the eye applying some eyeliner, squeeze us into a pair of skinny jeans (that got a lot tighter thanks to the post-break up chocolate binges) and force us to go out to the bar (“SINGLE GIRLS, WHAT?!”), we’ll get really drunk and make out with a boy in the corner just to prove that we’ve still got it.

And while it  might be fun and exciting in the moment, we’ll cry about it – a lot – the next day.

He Says: They’ll go “Girls Gone Wild”.
Reality: Yeah, if Girls Gone Wild now means Girls Gone on a Downward Spiral in Sweatpants and No Makeup With a Package of Cookie Dough in Their Bed While Crying Through a Re-Run of Gossip Girl.

He Says: They’ll tell other girls about us.
Reality: You better freaking believe we will. No girl likes to admit to the shame of being a dumpee or the judgment of being the a-hole dumper. So we’re obviously going to have to explain to anyone who asks (or anyone who happens to cross our paths in the weeks following the break-up, be it a friend of a friend or our Psych professor) how lazy you were, how often you couldn’t get it up, how quick you were when you could get it up, how your room smelled like rotting bacon, how often you couldn’t get it up, how you got all Ronnie aggressive when you were drinking and, of course, how often you couldn’t get it up.

He Says: They’ll miss having sex with us.
Reality: For some, maybe. For others, it’s more about the companionship than the sex. The snuggles. The Sunday night TV marathons. The security in knowing we’ll always have someone to grab dinner with, see a movie with, stumble home from a party with. That’s what we’ll miss the most.

If we really want sex, we can just call up “that guy,” right?

The reality is, 99.9% of girls, even if they’re the ones doing the dumping, hit a low in the weeks or months immediately following a break up. They question themselves (“What’s wrong with me?!”), they question love (“Am I ever going to find someone else?”), they question you (“Why did I ever let him buy me that Jager Bomb and take my number?”). But then one day, they wake up out of that greasy/pity food coma and they don’t feel the need to check their phone to see if the ex texted. And the next day, they don’t even think about creepin’ the ex’s Facebook page. And a week after that, they don’t spend 15 extra minutes making themselves look extra hot to make the ex hate himself….just in case they happen to run into him.

Eventually, be it weeks or months down the road, they wake up one day feeling great and realize that they CAN do better than that douche lord…. and they will.

And when that happens, well, eat your heart out, boys. That girl is officially single and ready to get. her. freak on.

Find out what HE THINKS at COEDMagazine.com

I’m not even sure how I get into the situation in the first place. When I first met my boyfriend during class, I immediately wanted my best friend to meet him. You know how it is. You want your girl’s seal of approval! So we got dinner one day, all three of us, and even though he was kind of nervous, it went well. She liked him! I was ecstatic and so we continued seeing each other and I was happy. Blissfully happy.

However, as time passed, a rift started to grow between my best friend and my boyfriend. Sometimes, when we all hung out, it kind of became a competition for my time. Of course my best friend wanted to hang out, but so did my boyfriend. I did my best, of course. I’d make it so all of us hung out together, or I’d set apart time just for me and him to spend together.

I’d started to notice, though, that my best friend and boyfriend got into little arguments here and there. They were never about anything important, but they were always bickering about something. She would say something that offended him and then he would say something back that offended her. I always just let them duke it out because I didn’t think anything of it. But one day my best friend expressed that she really didn’t like my boyfriend. She said she didn’t understand why they always got into little debates and arguments about really stupid things. Then she said she didn’t want to hang out with him anymore.

So then it started to get a bit awkward. I separated the two of them so that I only hung out with one of them at a time. I spent most of my days with my best friend, and most of my nights with my boyfriend. For a couple of weeks, that seemed to work out.

One day, I asked my boyfriend to be honest with me. I asked him if he disliked my best friend. He said no, but I could tell he was lying. I inquired further and he finally admitted that he didn’t like her. Now, for me, that was a huge problem. How could two important people in my life dislike each other? How could my life coexist peacefully if two main components of it were at war with each other?

That night, I thought about it. It had become a question of choice: to keep my boyfriend who hated my best friend, or to keep my best friend who hated my boyfriend. I wanted to keep them both. I really did. To best honest, I wish somehow I could still keep them both. I didn’t want to have to choose. No one ever wants to choose between two people they care about. And I was really starting to fall for him.

But then I really thought about it.
Would I really choose a guy over my girl?

I love my best friend to death. We’ve been friends for years and inseparable since we met. I’ve always trusted her judgment and know that she has my best interest at heart. So even though she wasn’t forcing me to choose, I knew what she thought of him and I did choose. And I didn’t choose my boyfriend.

I dumped my boyfriend less than three days ago. It still hurts to think about it and it hurts even more when I see him around campus. (Sitting next to him during class today was brutal.) But I’m happy with my decision. I know that my best friend saw things that I didn’t see, inherently knew things that I wouldn’t let myself know. I know it was the right choice even though it doesn’t feel like the right choice right now.

Plus, when you break up with a boy, your best friend is always there. If you break up with your best friend, who do you have then?

Question?! Answer. Ask TuffyLuv@collegecandy.com.

Dear Tuffy Luv,
What’s up!? I love your column; I always find myself in line with your advice and generally agreeing.  Well, now I have my own situation and I have never been good at giving myself advice or seeing my own situation clearly so here goes. Tell it to me like it is:

Ten months ago I met the best guy I have ever been with. After a first “date” and a visit from him, he asked me out.  We started dating and did the LDR thing (2 hrs away) for eight months; we fell in love and he told me he loved me after three months of dating.

Which brings me to now.  We just broke up and it has been so hard.  It was somewhat mutual; two weeks ago we were talking on the phone and he brought up something I wrote in his Valentine’s Day card, which was: I can’t wait till we grow up and get to see each other more.  Something along those lines.  He thought I meant forever but I hadn’t been thinking that far ahead and I just meant when I graduated (two months) and wasn’t working two jobs.  Then he said something about how he wants to move across the country eventually and how we probably wouldn’t be together forever. I responded, What’s the point of dating now, then, if you know at some point you don’t want to be with me/break up with me?  He got really emotional and I think he was crying and said he didn’t want to break up with me and he loves me.

Fast forward a week later: he breaks up with me for not having enough time for me, which I understand. He has a lot on his plate – full course load, involved in a lot at school, internship.  He said he felt selfish but just doesn’t have the time.  It’s been a few days now since the break-up and I asked him if we would ever get back together again in the future and he said he can’t answer that; he just doesn’t know what will happen.  It’s been really tough and I just don’t know what to do.  He said he wants to stay friends.  Should I bother?  Should I  not text him?  The days after the break up I did the typical thing of texting him and asking if there was any solution, blah blah blah, to which he just says he doesn’t have time for a relationship and it’s bad timing.  Did I blow it by texting him? Right now I’m trying to not contact him to “make” him miss me.

The thing that sucks is he dumped me a week away from my birthday and I know he bought me a present, so it seems to me he hadn’t been thinking this for a long time.  Anyways what do I do? Is there something I’m not seeing?  Do you think he met someone else? I just want to be with him.  Do I keep in contact or will that just hurt more?

I’m afraid if we get back in the future I won’t be able to forgive him for doing this so close to my birthday or if he sleeps with someone else, I would be devastated.

Sincerely,
I Thought Love Conquered All?

Dear I Thought Love Conquered All?,

You thought wrong.

Not everything works out, kiddo. Guess what, kids? MOST RELATIONSHIPS END.

Look, I’m sorry you’re devastated and all, but the bit about your birthday present kind of threw me. You wouldn’t be able to forgive him for doing this so close to your birthday?! THAT would be the reason not to take the love of your life back?!

Well, so. I don’t think this is really worth pursuing. If the proximity to your birthday is really a big enough reason for concern, I’d say this was just not meant to be.

Frankly, Love, you seem a bit immature. This is not a criticism, okay? It’s just an observation. But, I mean, you’re not immature for your AGE. You’re perfectly fine for the end of college. You’re just a bit immature to have such a serious LDR.

It’s hard to break up, you know? It really is. You’re sad. You don’t know what’s next. Maybe you miss him. (Maybe you don’t.) Basically, you’re starting over without a major ally, and that’s scary and hard. Happily, this is easier with LDRs than with SDRs (short distance, suckas). Out of sight, out of mind. Okay, not quite. But at least not running-into-him-at-Starbucks, in mind. Yes?

Stop texting him. Stop torturing him–and yourself. There’s no point. It’s not working right now. If you want to make some grand gesture in the future, you could figure out a way to move closer to him. But PLEASE don’t do this until you’ve waited at LEAST 6 months. After six months, if you are still DESPERATELY missing him (not kind of missing him, not just kind of lonely, but REALLLLLY desperately missing him), then I’d say call him up and make the gesture. But until then, forget about it. The timing ain’t right. The breakup is done. Let things take their course.

My advice to you: Move on. Don’t be petty and try to make him miss you. Don’t drag this thing on any longer. Go out and meet some guys you can actually see on a day-to-day basis. Get to know them. Find a few to date. End up with one who’s actually good for you. Who will make the time to be with you. Who isn’t already planning on breaking up with you down the road.

And, please. If you can’t forgive someone because of the DATE on which they dumped you (or something equally unimportant), it’s probs not made to last. Like, at all.

Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv

Get more Tough Love right here. You know, if you’re into that sort of thing.

Dear Dude,

My long distance 3-year boyfriend broke up with me 3 weeks ago. We had been dating from his sophomore year in college until now; I had stayed home and he went to school 3 hours away. I would visit whenever I could, and he would come home for breaks. We became really close and honestly the relationship was really easy. He never cheated and he always called and texted. And I thought waiting for him to come home was right. Yet, 3 years later, we are both 10 min away from each other and he decided to break up with me 7 days before V-Day.  He said he was sorry because he should be feeling more confident about our relationship. He doesn’t think he’s ready for the seriousness that a 3-year relationship means. I am his second girlfriend, and he feels that he cannot become more serious until he dates other people.

Now my question is, if he broke up with me to date other people then WHY is he still acting like we did when we were dating? Instead of going out on a Thursday night with his guy friends and picking up chicks he is at my house watching TV. He texts me constantly, and is writing on my Facebook more now than he did when we were dating.

I confronted him today and asked him what was going on but all he could say is that he was so sorry and he didn’t know what he wants. I cut him off from my Facebook, and deleted him from my phone but something just doesn’t feel right. This is the first guy I have ever been with that I wanted to fight for, but I don’t see how that is going to help. I don’t know what my next steps are from here, and being out of school and stuck at home I have no rebound to consider. DO I try and be friends with him? Or cut him off and just move on?

Help me,
Confused

Dear Confused,

3 years, s’long time to be a champion girlfriend (first person who gets that reference, write in and I will personally send you a prize).

A long distance relationship for that amount of time can sometimes be seen as more of the CZ or Splenda to the real deal. A lot of people use long distance over a long period of time as a safety net from putting themselves out there. It becomes a protective bubble. This avoids the possibility of getting hurt and dealing with the complexities/intricacies/intimacies of a face-to-face relationship.  Then, when the distance disappears, the bubble bursts.

I’m not saying all long distance relationships are BS. Not in the least. I’ve known plenty where the two people involved came back together and re-discovered each other. They also discovered that how they’d grown while apart didn’t exclude them from growing together from that moment of reunion. However, I’ve known a bunch that was more like the ones described in the paragraph above. Based on what you’ve told me, yours seems to fall into the “category” of the former.

The old saying that girls mature faster than guys, well, it’s true. There’s this idea put into a guy’s head, or so it seems, that if he doesn’t have sex with at least a half dozen women or is involved in less than five relationships then there’s no possible way he can be ready to settle down into something meaningful. Now that is BS.

When you find the right person, been together for years, grown together for years, fill voids, and challenge each other into becoming the best version of yourself you’ve ever known yourself to be, then it’s right. I don’t care if that’s your first girlfriend or your hundredth. But your boy seems to have drunk the convoluted “manswer” Kool-Aid.

I think you’re on a good path. You can’t sit idly by and twiddle your thumbs while he figures out what he wants. You’ve got to determine for yourself what you want. If that is him, then by all means fight for him. If he’s not worth the crap he’s making you go through, then move on.

I’m a believer in having and making choices. No matter the situation, one’s always there. Just because right now you feel like you don’t have a rebound and you might be depressed about being back with your folks after school (which millions of college kids are doing these days, so don’t feel ashamed about that) doesn’t mean you have to take him back.

It can feel like your options are limited. It can seem like there’re only two paths and neither is appealing. It might be the reality or it might, in part, be your own judging of yourself. But you can still choose. Don’t choose out of default or feeling trapped. That will limit your possibilities and that will take away your confidence in being able to make decisions for your life.

So I say reevaluate your options, come at it from a fresh place with as fresh a perspective as you can. It sounds like you’ve already taken great steps to get there. Once you’re there, make the choice. My choice would be to move on. But only you are you. So only you can make the best choice for you.

Letting it bleed,
Dude Jagger

[He's good, right? Check out The Dude's other insights into the male mind right here.]

In the last year, it seems as though being single has been my specialty. While flings and hookups have come and gone (pun intended) and dates have left me with some less than desirable memories, my current single status has remained loyally by my side. I’ve learned a lot in the past year and I’ve discovered that single girls around the world are all in the same fabulous pair of shoes.

So if you’re sick of sitting at a table for one, eating a meal portioned for two, I cordially invite you to join The Single Girl Society, where being single is more than status, it’s a lifestyle. Of course, with everything in life, the single girl lifestyle comes with rules and I’ve picked up quite a few along the way. So kick back, grab a drink and let the lessons I’ve learned serve as your very own roadmap to transitioning to and enduring the single life

Lesson 10: He wasn’t that great.

I cant tell you how many times my friends have exclaimed to me over cocktail-induced tears that the cant believe they’re not with their ex-boyfriends, because and I quote, “He was so great!”

Why is that our post relationship-blinders have gotten us confused as we choose to see only the good in past relationships that we hope will one day become revived relationships?

Newsflash girls, he wasn’t that great.

I’m all for healing and sticking by your single sisters (it is a rule, after all!) as they take on the grueling task of being heartbroken, but that doesn’t mean we should put our exes on a pedestal. Why? Because they’re our exes!

There are plenty more great guys out there. While it may not seem like it at times when we’re surrounded by socially inept ones who can’t get their heads out of Penthouse long enough to notice that your coy arm-grazing is intentional, this is not reason enough to make yourself believe your ex is a better guy than he was.

There’s a difference between an ex who was a genuinely great guy and an ex who you made sound like a genuinely great guy. For example, when you find yourself feeling especially lonely one night and you start to recall the times you spooned with your ex all night but you also choose to blatantly ignore everything that happened up until the spooning – like the fact that he drank so many Four Lokos he passed out in the lobby of his apartment and you had to enlist his almost-equally drunk friends to carry him up to his bed. If you’re ex was a genuinely flawless golden boy, then by all means shout it to the world; I’ll even join you! But if he wasn’t, don’t give him more credit than he deserves.

As singles there’s always the chance that we could fall victim to the heightened selective memory brought on by the sometimes-lonely single life.

I know a lot of friends who’ve advised me to “only remember the good stuff” so as not to harbor ill will and therefore release bad and negative karma into the universe. There are two reasons I will never take this advice – 1. I don’t believe in karma and 2. Even if I did, if I didn’t remember the bad stuff, I’d keep going back to someone who is clearly not good for me!

Whether you believe in karma or not, there’s no reason to ignore the obvious faults in your past relationships. Sometimes the problems are yours and sometimes they’re not. It’s beneficial for you to remember those flaws because those are the learned lessons that will carry and save you in the relationships to come.

The more you hype up your ex, the more you’re going to bring yourself down. Each time you hear yourself saying, “But he was so great,” you’re just undermining who you are without him. You begin to put half-truths about him over the things that actually are true about you.

It’s more than just trusting your instincts; it’s learning to balance the good qualities of your ex with the bad ones. No need to create an “I Hate My Ex” Facebook page, but at the same time, no need to convince yourself that your ex was the perfect guy just because there are no other guys on your speed dial right now.

Plus, if you spend all your time building up someone you’re not even dating, how do you expect any other guy to look your way without thinking that you’re taken or hung up on someone else?

So let your ex go, whether he was the greatest guy in the world or the worst, he’s not yours anymore and he doesn’t deserve anymore of your time, much less your compliments.

Got it? Now get the first 9 rules of the Single Girl Society right here.

In the last year, it seems as though being single has been my specialty. While flings and hookups have come and gone (pun intended) and dates have left me with some less than desirable memories, my current single status has remained loyally by my side. I’ve learned a lot in the past year and I’ve discovered that single girls around the world are all in the same fabulous pair of shoes.

So if you’re sick of sitting at a table for one, eating a meal portioned for two, I cordially invite you to join The Single Girl Society, where being single is more than status, it’s a lifestyle. Of course, with everything in life, the single girl lifestyle comes with rules and I’ve picked up quite a few along the way. So kick back, grab a drink and let the lessons I’ve learned serve as your very own roadmap to transitioning to and enduring the single life

So it’s been a month and half since you’re best friend got dumped (in the douchiest way possible) and she’s still going on and on about how she’s “totally over it even though his new girl looks like a little too much like Shaun White” and you’re not sure how much longer you can stand to hear her relationship woes. We’ve all been there, thinking to ourselves, “Well if you’re so over it, why are we still talking about it?”

The answer is simple. She’s not over it. But you sure as hell are. So what’s a girl to do when her wingwoman’s stuck in a rut?

Lesson 9: Stand By Your Single Sisters

Look, I know it’s cheesy but as single ladies, we’re only as good as the girls we surround ourselves with and when one of us is down, we’re all down.

Of course it gets frustrating sometimes, watching your formally single and fabulous bestie go from taking names (and numbers) and kicking ass to sullen and sunken into a sofa watching “The Notebook” and screaming at Rachel McAdams to “get a job and forget men already!” (True story.)

Sometimes the single life knocks us down and out but as single soldiers, it’s our job to stand by our friends and support them, even if that means having the hear Taylor Swift ballads pump through your apartment on repeat. The post-breakup version of your girlfriend needs you now more than ever because you love her even if her ex didn’t. Right now it’s her in tears but someday it will be you (if it hasn’t happened already).

Maybe the “sad and single” act is starting to get old and you’re itching to have those carefree nights out on town with your best friend – the one who made you laugh so hard you shot tequila out of your nose, not this possessed version who secretly makes you want to slit your wrists – but give it time. Eventually all of your post-breakup spa days and girls’ nights are going to pay off.

The only thing you can do is be there for your girls when they need you. And if you think her wailing “My Heart Will Go On” is a little over the top, then no offense, but get over yourself.

If you’re unsure of whether or not your girlfriend is truly appreciative of the time you put in to help her heal, then just wait til you’re in her shoes (because it’s bound to happen when you’re living the single life) and when she’s there agreeing with you that your ex “never appreciated you anyways,” you’ll know her moping wasn’t in vain.

The single life can be a rough and bumpy road and maybe right now it’s got one of your girlfriends on the bench but who knows – you could be next and it could be worse than what you’re currently going through with your friend. And when that day comes, I promise you, you’re going to want her by your side.

Take the time to tell a girlfriend how much you love or appreciate her today and don’t ever let your own exasperation get in the way of being there for a friend when she needs you the most.

My girlfriends are single, fabulous and most importantly, supportive. Yes, we cry and we break down and we curse the world and all the men in it. But we also dance nights away as they melt into mornings, laugh hysterically over all our dating fails and we lean on each other for everything – the good, the bad, and the heartbroken.

Being single is great but it’s far more fun to be single when you’ve got your sisters surrounding you. Whether they’re on top of the world or feeling a little burned by it, at least they’re by your side and that’s more than the guys you’ll cry over can say.

Get the first 8 rules of the Single Girl Society right here.

In the last year, it seems as though being single has been my specialty. While flings and hookups have come and gone (pun intended) and dates have left me with some less than desirable memories, my current single status has remained loyally by my side. I’ve learned a lot in the past year and I’ve discovered that single girls around the world are all in the same fabulous pair of shoes.

So if you’re sick of sitting at a table for one, eating a meal portioned for two, I cordially invite you to join The Single Girl Society, where being single is more than status, it’s a lifestyle. Of course, with everything in life, the single girl lifestyle comes with rules and I’ve picked up quite a few along the way. So kick back, grab a drink and let the lessons I’ve learned serve as your very own roadmap to transitioning to and enduring the single life.

So it’s New Year’s Eve and you’re single…again. Cue the tightest little black dress that practically defies the laws of physics. Cue double fisting $4 champagne. Cue the drunk dialing your ex just to tell him you “don’t miss him or his BMW at all!” Well…maybe not that last one. Not this year anyway. This new year leave your ex from Planet Douchebag behind and give closure another shot by making it your resolution.

Lesson 5: Sometimes you have to create your own closure.

Breakups are messy. You don’t always get a chance to tie up the loose ends from a burned relationship with your ex love. You don’t always get your questions answered. So when sitting down to rehash your feelings with your ex isn’t an option, it’s time to take it upon yourself to sort things out.

Now I don’t mean launch an all-out-Sydney-Bristow investigation on your ex and all the people you heard he cheated on you with (though I am a fan of any activity that allows you to rock a pleather cat suit). If you really want closure, you have to sort things out for yourself because after all, the only feelings you have control over are yours.

A lot of girls go into post-breakup meet-ups with their exes only to walk away even more confused. These girls search for answers to questions they should be asking themselves. You have to ask yourself if hearing the reasons why someone didn’t want to date you is really going to help you carry on with your newly single life.

Sometimes it’s more effective to channel your energy toward moving on instead of backtracking and putting yourself through the misery of a breakup after the actual breakup. You already suffered; there’s no need to put yourself through the pain again.

So how does a girl create her own closure?

Well, if a champagne diet isn’t your thing, no worries, closure is within reach and best of all, you can take baby steps!

If you’re not ready to defriend your ex on Facebook yet, then block him from your newsfeed instead. If you’re not ready to trash the evidence of your relationship yet, have your roommate or friend stash the pictures, letters and ticket stubs in a secret place until you’re ready to revisit the items without a bottle of Jack and bag of marshmallows. On the other hand – if you have no desire to keep any shred of evidence of your relationship – I highly recommend using your car to run over any items that remind you of your ex (like a scrapbook…).

Above all always remember that dwelling will only reverse any progress you’ve made in moving on from an ex. Newsflash: If you spend all your time wondering how your life could go on without your ex, it won’t go on. Dwelling traps you and ties you down to something (or someone) that doesn’t exist anymore.

So take a week to mourn your lost relationship, dwell alongside Breakfast at Tiffany’s and The Holiday and drain your sadness into your duvet comforter. But after that week ends, make progress a priority to finally move on with your life and leave your relationship behind. Closure is in your hands, now grab it and run!

What are the first 4 rules of the Single Girl Society? Find out right here.

Hey Dude,

I just broke up with my boyfriend of more than 6 months (who keeps count these days anyway?), and it’s been a rough time. Mostly, I think, neither one of us wanted to break up but we had been growing apart for sometime. New changes in his life prompted him to cut the cord, and we went our separate ways…kind of. In reality, as soon as things were officially over (I’m talking next day here), he and I went back to normal. We started texting nonstop again, calling a few times a day just “because this song reminded me of you,” or because “you’re going to die of laughter when you hear about my dinner mishap.”

Aside from the fact that we were no longer together absolutely NOTHING had changed… It’s as though all of the pressure of a formal relationship was suddenly off and we were that fun and exciting couple again…minus the couple.

I think you should know that we haven’t had to face the issue of hooking up yet because he lives in a land far far away (but really only like an hour and some change) so I don’t know how that little taboo will work out when we next see each other.

Now, I never wanted us to break up, I just wanted us to take some time to cool off and reconnect. So, as you can imagine after how well things have been going, I want us to be together again. Is this silly, is it time to start getting over him or should I continue to cling to the hope that it’s all going to work out?

-Ex-girlfriend

Dear ex-girlfriend,

You ripped off the labels, removed the expectations, and what do you know? All’s well that ends well. I wonder though…has anything actually ended?

There’s nothing wrong that you’ve got hope it’ll work out. Hope’s a marvelous thing. It can’t keep you warm but it can take the edge off of the cold. Hope can be a crutch, tease, or delusion but what it needs to be is a lifeboat. We have to find a way to keep afloat. Having hope makes us human. Just be careful that your hope isn’t only an air-filled balloon.

From the sounds of it, you’re enjoying the freedom of not having to be perfect all the time. 6 months is usually around the end of the honeymoon period. And then the relationship kicks into gear. OH NO! A RELATIONSHIP!  Get the escape hatches ready!

You’re probably right. NOTHING’S CHANGED. There was a reason to break up. Hence, you broke up. Those reasons don’t magically disappear when you get out of the his/hers mentality. You grew apart? Meaning? Did it come down to fundamentally different wants and needs? Because if it was, there’s little reconciling that the next morning.

In answering a question of this sort, the grand thing is to reason it backward. You used a heck of a word in your question: Normal. You said that after you broke up things went back to normal. If I were to Sherlock your letter, I might deduce an idea that being in a relationship makes you feel abnormal. Meaning that in your relationship you didn’t feel like yourself. For sake of argument (and because letters are a “speak the speech” one-at-a-time form of communication) let’s say I’m mostly right. Why don’t you think you could feel like yourself in a relationship with him but you can when you remove the title? Elementary, dear girl!

People crumble under the pressure of being in a relationship because they don’t like what they think a relationship means. Consequences. Obligations. Expectations. Inconvenience. Putting someone else’s needs before your own. Being hurt. Losing someone you care about. Fading passion. Boredom. Being trapped. Well, Hell, when you put that much weight on the bond of two individual entities, how could it not crack in half? If being together becomes more about what  you’re “supposed” to do and not about what you “want” to do, then there’s no way you’ll stay together happily.

Your medicine: Some self-analysis. Why did you break up? What is your definition of a relationship? Would anything have changed if you got back together with him tomorrow? If the answers of the first and second questions lead to the answer of the third being NO, then it’s time to hope for something else…a rebound.

It’s easier to know it, than to know why you know it.

Dude Holmes

[Isn't he wise? Don't you wish you could get more? You can! Check out The Dude's other insights into the male mind right here.]

Just about everyone out there seems to have dating horror stories. Seriously, ask anybody; chances are they’ll tell you that they have a relationship that they wish had just never happened. I myself went through a pretty nasty break up earlier this year. Not only was I with the guy for over 3 years, we lived together and were planning a wedding when I realized that what we were doing was a mistake and called everything off.

I’ve spent the past 7 months trying to put my life back together and pretty much hating my ex for how nasty he got post-breakup.

Recently, however, a friend and I were talking about living without regrets. She said, “I don’t regret anything. Sure I’ve made mistakes and have had rough times, but all of that made me who I am today. And I love what I see in the mirror, so why bother with regrets?” I love my friend for her incredible amount of self confidence, and she really made me think. I realized that instead of hating my ex and wishing that I’d never met him, not EVERYTHING about our time together was bad.

From every relationship I’ve been in, I’ve taken something away and learned from them all:

Chris, you were my first boyfriend. We were pretty darn young; possibly too young to really date considering we had curfews. You drove me up the wall with all of your outrageous lies. You really think I believed you when you said that your mom was dating a millionaire and that he promised to wire you money for a car when you were old enough? You drove me up the wall over those months but from this, I learned the wrong way to break up with a guy. I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you to your face and had my best friend tell you. I don’t blame you for never talking to me again.

Evan, you were the epitome of mixed signals. You flirted excessively and told people you liked me, but when I asked you out we only dated for a few weeks… if you can even call it that, because you avoided me the whole time. You are the only guy I’ve dated who broke up with me. And it hurt. But you taught me that just because a guy is older than you, it doesn’t mean he’s more mature. I also had to learn the hard way that just because a guy will sneak out of a play with you to go make out in his truck and says he’ll call the next day, it doesn’t mean he will.

Jake, I think you were nuts. You told me you loved me entirely too soon and I was not ready for it. After I broke up with you, you left 6 voicemails within an hour that were all of you crying. Talk about wayyyyyy too heavy for high school. But there was some good. Because of you I love laying out and watching the sky at night like we used to do on the high school’s track. And I learned that there is such a thing as falling too hard, too fast. Like every other naive high school girl I thought I would one day meet the guy of my dreams and I would be love at first sight. But I realize now that love happens gradually and it shouldn’t be rushed.

And finally, Matt. I was with you for almost all of my college career, and my senior year has been quite an adjustment without you around. Like I said, I’ve spent the past 6 months hating your guts because you got so hateful towards me after I broke up with you, but now that I look back on it I can understand why. I broke your heart. You had the biggest impact on my life. Thank you for introducing me to sushi, Band of Horses, and East Texas, all of which are some of my favorite things now. You taught me that even though you really do love somebody, that doesn’t mean they are the one. I couldn’t be what you needed and vise versa. I also know now that you really need to love yourself first before you can love someone else; that’s something we both needed to work on.

So even though I went through some stupid/rough stuff with these guys, I can’t hate them. I value every experience each one gave me and I believe I can be a better girlfriend for whoever I date next. Here’s to living life without regrets!

Now it’s your turn! What have you learned from your exes?