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Dear “That Guy”,

Your ability to drink in excess and ruin 95% of pictures taken at parties gets me hot and bothered. I think it’s uhh… adorable that you maintain your appearance to the point where I question your sexual orientation. I guess I respect the fact that you tweeze, bleach and pluck more than me. The fact that you care about your “fresh kicks getting smudged” more than your future or GPA is super sexy…?

Babe, what happened to you? Before you became “that guy” you were once “just one of the guys.” You were playing Madden instead of photoshopping your Facebook pictures. You couldn’t tell Armani from Target. Your cellphone lived in your pocket instead of clipped to your ribbon belt, and for the love of God, why are you orange-r than an Oompa Loompa?! I liked you without your bromosexuality. I’m not interested in the Brody Jenners or the Gotti wannabes!

Why does your tee shirt have more sparkles on it than Limited Too’s entire Spring Collection circa 1998? These glittery numbers are worsened by being “slim fit” to show off your “killer pecs.” Maybe they work for Hulk Hogan, but they don’t work for you and they definitely don’t work in public. Do society a favor and wear clothes that fit. And if your shirt has a collar? I don’t care if you’ve been popping it ever since you can remember. Old Yeller that nonsense. Put. It. Down.

Take out your Bluetooth headset. Kudos if you use it in your car – safety first. But, that blinking blue light glued to the side of your head while you’re out and about, especially waiting in line at stores (most likely Armani Exchange or Abercrombie and Fitch), makes you look like an ultra douchebag. I am laughing at you. The store clerks are laughing at you. Humanity as a whole is laughing at you. Leave the damn thing in the glove compartment of your car.

What the hell is on your head? First, turn your hat frontwards. Backwards hats were cool for Fred Durst of Limp Bizkit. Ten years ago. Secondly, what kind of hat is it? Baseball hat? Fine. Trucker hat? Toss it out. Ashton Kutcher threw out his, and he was like the Dane Cook of the ’90s. Douche of the decade. Plus, enough with the pre-frayed brim! How do brims even get frayed in the first place? What did you do with yourself to even get a frayed brim? Walk head-on into a concrete wall multiple times? Drop it on a belt sander in shop class in high school? Jesus Christ!

Which brings me to your hair. If it’s longer than your chin, you probably need a haircut. If it’s gelled to the point where you look more like your front lawn than a dude, lose the L’Oreal. Shaggy is cute, spiky not so much. Also, quit it with the weird chin pubes. They’re itchy and freaky and especially way gross if they’re flesh colored a la Spencer Pratt.

Darling, I like you for you. Not your ill-fitting clothes and designer flip flops. Hell, I’ll let you continue to tell your stories about your drinking glory days once in a while, but please consider at least some of the previous advice, chill out, and leave the metrosexuality and manscaping where it belongs. On Bravo.

Lots of love,
Melanie

[This story was originally posted by Melanie - Northeastern.]

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Yum.

Recently, while busily browsing through YourTango, I came across an enlightening post about the ’7 Traits of Irresistible Men.’ I read it in between wistful sighs with my head in my hands…the irresistible man…mmmm. Before I knew it, I was seeing my ideal dude, tossing his thick tresses around under an exotic waterfall.  Mid-gaze he winked at me as a droplet of water fell from his thick black eyelashes…

Woah sorry, was I writing a post?

Then I got to thinking.  There is so much more dimension to the irresistible elements of a college guy than just those 7, albeit irresistible, traits.  Unfortunately, in college we don’t have waterfalls for our boys to stand in or bright enough bars for them to send us a snappy wink from across the room.  But we do have dive bars, florescent lit libraries, dirty frat houses and lots of cute boys to inhabit them.

So I wanted to add on to the list YourTango constructed, because sometimes ‘collegey’ guy turn-ons are the best of all.  And (lucky for us) we don’t even have to leave our campus quad to find them.

College Guy Uniform: I must say, studying all day and a quick PlayStation 2 sesh in the dorm room does a college boy good.  I love it when a guy strolls around campus wearing sweats or mesh shorts and a tee.  There’s just something so delicious about a boy gone casual. They automatically look cool and collected, ready to cuddle in bed with me all day beat the last level on Call of Duty.

College Guy Chivalry: These little notions seem minor, but in a world where chivalry is on its way out, they are totally irresistible.  If they let you go before them in the “Burrito Tuesday” line at the cafeteria.  When they buy you a Bud Light on a Thirsty Thursday…. then they hoist you up on to the bar two hours later so you can get a free one. They make your bed before leaving in the morning. Yeah, swoon.

College Guy Emoticons: Winking is so 2005.   However, winking through semi-colon and parentheses via text makes my heart skip a beat.

College Guy Confidence: There is really something about a college guy whose confidence surpasses arrogance and it’s impossible to resist.  Seriously, he will do anything to impress a woman: shotgunning a Coors, break-dancing to Justin Bieber, or dragging you out to the dance floor to do it with him.  Meanwhile, smitten, you’re getting sprayed with Coors and joining him on the dance floor while he flails his arms around like an idiot. But he doesn’t care and, awww, it’s adorable.

College Guy Bromances: For the most part, a college guy’s relationship with his broskies is actually kind of cute (if you get by the countless hours spent picking the ultimate Fantasy Football team).  Watching them hug it out, grab lunch together, or turn to one another for girl advice is just presh. And the nickname bestowed upon each dude from his buddies? Be still my heart. If his boys love him enough to give him a cute name, how can we not?

[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of getting the pity-eyes as you sift through the Self-Help section at your campus bookstore? Over wondering what those boys are thinking?  We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question (like, am I being a tease?) over to askthedude@collegecandy.com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time.  So bring it on, ladies.]

Hey Dude,

I have a question about the supposed unwritten rule that guys can’t go after their friend’s exes. While me and my boyfriend were dating, I became really close with his best  friend, developing into a friendship some might call an “emotional affair.”

Anyways, for unrelated reasons, a few weeks ago, me and the boyfriend split amicably. I stayed close with his friend though, and not surprisingly, almost immediately, we jumped on each other. In fact, we’ve been spending time together as if we’re dating. We always had chemistry and since we had become so close emotionally, it feels like slipping right into an established relationship. Although we were always fairly honest about our friendship, we’ve kept this quiet.

We both feel pretty guilty about the situation (which is why we’ve held off on sex), but when we talk about how we should proceed, I get completely mixed signals. We both agree that we value our friendship, and want to continue to be close even if hooking up is totally off the table (and we are able to enjoying talking and spending time together without sex factoring in).

I’ve been completely up front that all I want is a casual summer fling without sneaking around (although I know it’s nicest to not be super public about it for the ex’s sake). He consistently says he can’t do this to his friend and that we should stop, but he’s the one that keeps making plans to hang out and then getting cute and cuddly and always making the first move. He has admitted he’s crushing and repeatedly said he can see himself seriously falling for me, but he doesn’t think it’s a good idea to get involved together.

I get the sense that maybe he is already falling for me, but is hung up on the fact that I dated his friend. However, I also acknowledge that it’s equally possible that he means what he says, and his actions (as sweet as they seem) are a result of him thinking with his dick when we get together.

I’m wondering how this “don’t get with your friend’s ex’s” thing works. Is there strict adherence? Any loopholes? Is it unreasonable of me to ask him to man up and talk to my ex if he wants to spend time with me? I don’t want to hurt my ex or break up their friendship, but it does seem unfair that we can’t have some fun together without all the guilt and secrets.

Thanks,
Think We’re In a Love Triangle

PS: I love Chuck!
PPS: That may have been a shameless attempt to try to entice you to answer my question…

Dear Think We’re In a Love Triangle,

Congratulations, your shameless attempt by appealing to my love for all things Bartowski (mostly Yvonne Strahovski) worked.

Your dilemma is a complex riddle with a very simple solution: take the hit.

BOTH of you need to talk to your ex/his BFF. This isn’t just about his relationship with his friend but your relationship with your ex, too. Because like it or not, if their friendship endures you then you’ll have to keep up some form of relationship with your ex. Fortunately, you sound like you’re still on good terms with the guy. Word of caution though, the longer you wait to have “the talk,” the worse this is going to go down.

Bros before ho’s is a commonly known term pertaining to bromances. There’s a lot of shaky ground to wade through when wanting to date your friend’s ex. Like it or not, most guys carry around some baggage about their former gal pals. We need time to move on and having her become a constant in our lives again makes that difficult.

Friends are our support system. We trust our friends and rely on them to help us get over you. By dating his friend, he could look at it as threatening part of his support system and losing two sources of trust instead of just one. Make no mistake, the end of a relationship is a loss and you’re new tryst threatens him with double the devastation.

Both you and your new boytoy need to sit down with this ex and break the news. Be decisive, concise, and clear. There’s no way to avoid confrontation if you want this fling/falling/relationship to go anywhere past what it’s become: a source of stress and frustration. You both need to let him know that your relationship is something separate of him but you understand it affects him. Then you need to listen. He may be angry and disrespectful. He might call you cowards and he might question what was going on between you two during your relationship. Take the hit. Be patient. Answer his questions. Disclose all the facts. Then you have to let the two friends make their decision. The bros first figure out the friendship and then you’ll know where the boytoy stands: with you or without you. Which should give you an answer as to whether this guy is worth your time or not.

Strange as it may seem, you’re the other woman to their relationship.

Getting your back bro,
Chuck Dudetowski

[Everyone’s got a morning after story and we wanna hear yours! Send it over to us and we’ll post it – anonymously, of course – right here!]

Lesson learned: No good ever comes of hooking up close friends. Especially when you’re right in the middle of their bromance sandwich.

One night, my friend Alex and I were hanging out at his place, watching his roommates play XBox (obviously my dream date). We were all just hanging out and chatting, sipping on some brewskis. Everything was pretty low key until Alex and I decided that TV in bed sounded much more appealing. We disappeared up to his room only to find his bed already occupied. Our mutual best friend Ben was face-down, passed out in his boxers.

Being the 250 pound rugby player that he is, we decided it was probably best to just leave him and sleep in Alex’s roommate’s lofted queen size bed (God, I love college). With Ben’s history of barely being able to be woken up when violently shaken, we decided it was safe to fool around quietly. And we did…before falling into  a post-workout slumber.

The next thing I knew, I was jarred awake up by the loudest (I swear) snore I have ever heard. I rolled over and quickly found three things very wrong with my situation:

1. I was alone
2. My dress was on the floor
3. Alex’s roommate (whose bed I was occupying) and Ben were head-to-toe asleep – both face down, both in their boxers – in Alex’s bed.

You can only imagine the panic that went through my mind. I knew I had to get out of there (who knows what happened down there?!) and I knew that no matter what weird sh*t was happening below me, there was no way to escape without having to crawl down the ladder with only my belt in hand (don’t even ask how that ended up being the only article of clothing on the bed…).

Somehow (I think I’ve permanently blocked these 15 seconds out of my memory), I managed to sit up, slam my head on the ceiling lamp without waking up the sleeping beauties, and scamper down the ladder to my dress, lying in a heap. I quickly threw it on and gathered the rest of my articles of clothing and moved toward the door. One giant snore later, I was long gone down the hallway.

I quickly gathered that Alex was in the shower for his early shift for work so I made some coffee and waited for him to come downstairs. I told him about my precarious situation and he just laughed (I hate my guy friends). We went back upstairs to grab his car keys (such a gent – he offered to drive me home) only to see Ben and the roommate both in the fetal position now, spooning each other. Only then did I notice that they had the XBox between them. No cords or anything, just the console. As if that electronic was the only thing tying their bromance together… and keeping their genitals apart.

Thoroughly disturbed, Alex and I ran out of the room, waiting until we reached the hallway to bust out in laughter. We agreed to never speak about it again (at least not anonymously), but I’ve never been able to look at Ben, his snuggle buddy or that XBox the same.

OK, they’re not making out, but they’re getting pretty damn close. In one example (true story) I witnessed a group of hockey guys actually doing body shots off of one another. Yes. Whipped cream and all.  Talk about a physically pursued bromance.  In other examples, I have been exposed to drunken snuggle fests (including fights for big spoon), long embraces, and the occasional butt slap.

Like dudes, whoa, save it for the locker room.

Was this some sort of sociological discovery? Were guys actually more intimate and emotional with one another than we had all thought? Was I going to be honored with some sort of Nobel Prize for my “research” in gender studies?

Hm, maybe not. While guys may hug it out from time to time, they’re still not sharing any sort of feelings. At all. In fact, two of the very same guy friends who have weekly Bro Dates built into their schedules were hooking up with the same girl at the same time and had no idea.

How could that be? Considering how much time they spend together, how could that never come up? What the hell are guys talking about?

Sports, apparently. In a recent article studying the difference between men’s and women’s friendships, Jeffrey Zaslow explains that while women’s friendships are face to face, “men’s friendships are side by side: We play golf. We go to football games.” (Editor’s Note: Read it! It’s really interesting!) Guys don’t talk about their feelings or their personal lives when they’re hanging out, they talk about whatever’s happening right then and there, be it a video game, a TV show or some really sick shot they just made on the golf course.

Is that weird? To us girls, yes. We’ll discuss our feelings wherever and whenever we get the chance. But, to be completely honest, it would be a whole lot weirder if, mid body shot, one burly boy looked at the other and said,  “Dude, this makes me feel really insecure.”

So I guess, despite all the spooning, guys’ and girls’ relationships really are quite different. No Nobel Prize for me, but at least I’ve got some good blackmail pics in case I ever need them.

So The Hills was on last night. 22 minutes of bikinis, bitching and Spencer in a cowboy hat. And seriously, that’s about it. While I usually stare at the TV open-mouthed at the absurd drama happening over in Hollywood, last night I just sat there, eyes glazed over with that “Whaaaa?” look you’d expect to find on Caitlin Upton’s face.

I just had so many questions. So instead of breaking down the happenings of The Hills this week (which was: Brody had a birthday, Jayde hates Kristin, JB stood Kristin up, Audrina is going out with a new guy who drives a pick-up and likes Tool), I’m going to focus on getting those questions answered.

Please assist.

Question 1:
Seriously, how is Stacie part of this crew now? Can someone please explain how she went from random bartender macking on Spencer and hated by all to Kristin’s new BFF who sleeps over and drinks Cosmos in the morning?

Question 2:
Hey Kristin, you want some flowers and Japanese symbols tattooed on your lower back to go with those cheesy and lame stars on your foot?

Question 3:
WHAT THE EFF IS UP WITH JUSTIN BOBBY’S STOMACH TATTOO?

Question 4:
Who in their right mind would let such an adorable child interact with Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag? Oh, and that hipster dude with the ‘stache. I can see it now: an E! True Hollywood story on the Speidi-kid-next-door. That kid is effed.

Question 5:
What is up with the MTV labels these days? When Justin Bobby is hanging out with Kristin he’s being labeled “Audrina’s Ex Boyfriend.” And Brody is being referred to as “Kristin’s Ex Boyfriend”? Uh, MTV, we know who these guys are; not only do they not need a label at all, but they definitely don’t need labels that stir the pot and start more dramz.

Question 6:
Uh, where is Luke Verge, Brody’s BFF that he chose on Bromance? Why wasn’t he at the party?

Question 7:
Hey Brody, when did you get so deep: ““Love is a horrible, horrible thing when it goes wrong.”

Question 8:
Which will come first: the end of Spencer’s cowboy-hat-wearing days or the end of Speidi’s marriage? On second thought, when will those two turds just GO AWAY?

Spring has sprung and bromance is in the air.

Correct me if I’m wrong, but is there anything hotter than two men who are such good friends they are often confused as lovers? I think not. Maybe it’s because they exhibit the exact characteristics I look for in my own relationships with men. Think about it, guys in bromances are sweet and understanding, they crave intimacy and inside jokes, they use nicknames and share common interests, and they aren’t afraid of affection (even with other men). It’s the perfect relationship – and no need to search for the
right diamond engagement rings or plan a wedding!

Of course I would never get in the way of a bromance. It’s just not my style. But I would have no problem, say, nestling into a bromance sandwich. Why break up the friendship when we can make it a threesome (or in some cases, a bromance orgy starring me)? Unfortunately it may be some time before I end up in the same room as the Apatow hotties, so for now I’ll just have to settle for the hottest bromance gallery of all time. Click on each image to get a full size shot and enjoy!