Hickeys are freakin’ weird. Seriously, think about it. A guy sucks on your neck until you have a bruise the size of a silver dollar, and somehow it’s “sexy” and “romantic”?

Under any other circumstances, a guy giving you a bruise is reason to press charges. What makes hickeys the exception? And why must he insist on giving them?

Granted, I’m not just blaming the guy – nine times out of ten, hickeys are complete accidents. Most people understand that nothing screams “I’M A SKANK!!” more than a giant red disfigurement on your neck. But what about the ones that are just a little toooo obvious? Two days ago, my friend Megan came home so hickey-ed that she may have very well been mauled by a small dog. What compelled Mr. Let’s Make Out Behind the Stadium to burden her with such a mark?

Reason #1: Branding. Not gonna lie, I’ve been the culprit of the tricky hickey. In high school I was hooking up with this guy on the basketball team that insisted on keeping it a secret. When he pulled off his warm ups at the biggest game of the season that year, it was definitely not a secret anymore. This may be a reason why guys give hickeys – they’re marking their territory. Hey, at least he’s not peeing on you.

Reason #2: Flashbacks. Most of us like to think we’re past the innocence of “necking” a la 1950’s high school prom. To some, hickeys are still a playful little blast from the past. I don’t know about you, but a guy’s desire to relive the glory days really doesn’t justify the pain of wearing weather-inappropriate clothing for a week.

Reason #3: Because they can. Jerks.

Reason #4: Pure Enjoyment. The object of your affection may enjoy the feeling of receiving a hickey, which can transform into two separate motives. Firstly, he may just think you enjoy them as much as he does, and wants you to experience that enjoyment. On the other hand, he may just be giving you a hint that he wants it to be his turn. Avoid the whole situation altogether – give the eager beaver a 7 day sex-mark and see how much he enjoys it.

I’ve seen a lot of drunken injuries in my day. Some are funny; some not so much. You really shouldn’t need to wear hard hats or protective armor to a party, so here’s a brief list of some potentially painful injuries, and how to avoid them.

Injury: Cigarette burns.

Avoid them by: Not drunkenly smoking your cigs all the way through the band; not giving someone with a lit cigarette your hand; not putting the wrong side of your lit cigarette into your mouth.

Injury: First, second, or third degree burns.

Avoid them by: Being conscious of where the bonfire pit is at a keg party on a cool autumn night; not attempting to walk through said pit in an effort to reunite with your friends after peeing in the woods.

Injury: Stitches on your scalp.

Avoid them by: Not jumping up and down on your lofted bed and cracking your head open on the ceiling; not falling out of a lofted bed after sloppy, drunken, sex, and cracking your head open on your f*ck buddy’s desk.

Injury: A shiner the color of an eggplant.

Avoid it by: Not chugging straight Bacardi and proceeding to faceplant your nightstand. These actions may or may not also have a negative effect on the nightstand, which may or may not break apart from the impact of your face.

Injury: Swollen, bruised kneecaps.

Avoid them by: Not attempting to do “the worm,” despite your complete lack of dance ability. Especially on concrete surfaces.

Injury: A cut-up upper lip.

Avoid it by: Not drinking from your beer bottle after all of your friends slammed their beer bottles on yours in an attempt to make the beer foam up and overflow; you never know if they chipped the bottle.

Injury: Sore [insert body part here]

Avoid them by: Not trying impossibly tricky, kinky new things while having sloppy, drunken sex. Sloppy, drunken sex can also sometimes lead to accidental penetration in places that no man has gone before.

Injury: Dislocated knee.

Avoid it by: Not dropping it like its hot with your guy friends at the bar when you already have a history of bad knees that dislocate easily.

Injury: A bruised ego and a crippled reputation.

Avoid it by: Knowing your limits and partying wisely. Once you’ve sobered up, all of the above are pretty embarrassing to have to explain to inquiring minds, and you don’t want people to think that you are the victim of domestic violence.

On a serious note, folks, alcohol-related accidents happen all the time on college campuses across the country. The National Household Survey on Drug Abuse and the Harvard College Alcohol survey reported that between 1998-2001, alcohol-related unintentional injury deaths increased about 6% among the college population, and during that period, over 500,000 students were unintentionally injured because of drinking, with over 600,000 students admitting to being hit or assaulted by another drunk student.

It’s all good to look back at last nights’ antics and laugh it off, but when weekend craziness goes too far, it can have extreme consequences. So keep yourself and your friends safe, designate a DD, and if you’re accident prone before you even crack your first beer, it may be in your best interest to invest in some protective gear.