Every week, CC and John bring you some of the weirdest, funniest, saddest things he hears on his college campus. Join the Overheard revolution!Leave your own overheard convos in the comments or send ‘em over!

(Girl, gesturing wildly to her friends.)

Girl: It’s Reverse Nursing! You suck babies in through your nipples!

(Guy, talking to his angry girlfriend on a park bench.)

Guy: What’s wrong with “Royal Buffet?” That’s where I went on my 21st birthday.

(Guy and a girl, talking in a bookstore.)

Guy: I checked it out, and it’s bigger than the girls’.

Girl: “Bigger than the girls” sounds like some terrible euphemism for something.

(Two guys at the Salvation Army.)

Guy 1: That old woman took the ugliest chair in the universe.

Guy 2: Maybe she needed it for fuel.

(Two guys, looking at a very tall rock.)

Guy 1: I don’t know, I think I’m counting on adrenaline to get me over.

Guy 2: Like, you’ll shoot adrenal fluid out your butt so fast that it causes you to fly?

(Two girls, at a sobriety checkpoint.)

Officer: Where are you girls off to?

Girl 1: Nowhere. Just carrying tons of booze around in our car for no reason.

Officer: That’s not funny, you know.

Girl 1: Sorry, Officer.

(Man waiting in an office.)

Man: *points at desk picture* Is that your son? I think I’ve seen him somewhere.

Woman at desk: I’m sorry? Yes. It is.

Man: I’m not sure, I only got a glimpse before he turned around and started making out with some girl. He’s very attractive.

Woman: … Thank you?

(Girl, making plans on the phone.)

Girl: We’re trying to do a beach trip on Saturday.

(beat)

Girl: No, I don’t know what the weather’s gonna be like. Can’t we check it when we get there?

(Big, bearded guy walking by another guy in a hardware store.)

Beard guy: *leaning over, muttering* Hey… hey. It’s insanity.

Other guy: What?

Beard guy: *keeps walking*

(Girls hiking on a forest trail.)

Girl: Doesn’t it seem like everything fun is illegal?

Girl 2: Yeah, or else it’s already on fire.

(Guy on the phone.)

Guy: My roommates are just such… big, mean, round gay monkeys!

However, there are several things I should consider pledging as the ball drops. Whether you’re stuck on your own resolution, or just need a fresh start with the new year, the following are some resolutions that many of us should consider.

1. I will go to the gym regularly.

When 2008 struck, I was on a regular gym regime, and resolved to keep at it and lose ten more pounds. I did. Then summer hit, and I found that poolside cocktails and outdoor keg parties were taking their toll on my thighs. The fact that this semester has been excruciating contributes to my lack of gym time, and isn’t helping my quest to tone up. Losing weight and getting in shape is one of the most common New Years resolutions, but it’s also one of the hardest to keep. Still, if you have taken to wearing sweats to class every day because you can’t zip up the skinny jeans you bought in August, you may want to give the gym a go next year.

2. I will quit drunk dialing/drunk texting/ drunk Facebooking.

Waking up in the morning and being surprised by your call log is not a good thing. And being drunk on Facebook means that you can send messages, write inappropriate things on peoples’ walls, create ridiculous drunken status messages, and now even drunk FB-Chat someone. Yikes! If you have consistently getting texts on Sunday mornings from random people saying, “WTF?” you may want to leave the phone at home and turn off your computer before you go to the bar.

3. I will do my homework in advance.

Most college students deserve a minor (or a double major) in procrastination. We blow off our assignments until the last minute, then freak out, plow through a paper, and turn it in while it’s still warm from the printer. The problems with this practice are that A) stressing ourselves out is unhealthy; B) we often let the window of remaining time shrink with each assignment, until we are trying to pound through six chapters of Philosophy on the walk to a midterm; C) procrastination doesn’t leave room for revision; and D) when we leave things until the last minute, a printer problem can be detrimental. Trying to put school assignments before bar nights is a good way to make the grade this spring.

4. I will not let my boss light shots of Sambuca on fire in my mouth at the bar.

What? Is that just me?

5. I will wash my sheets more than once a month.

If you’re in a dorm with bunkbeds or lofted beds, changing your sheets is a pain in the ass. Besides, between balancing a class schedule, an active social life, and a part-time job, who has time to take off the pillowcases and lug your comforter to the laundry room? Hey, if you knew what lurks between dirty sheets, you will make time.

6. I will only choose one “main course” at the dining hall.

Not piling chicken parm pizza, macaroni and cheese, and mashed potatoes on your plate can take a lot more will-power than you’d think, especially after five back-to-back classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays (gotta love block scheduling and four-day-weekends). Still… just because the dining hall is free, doesn’t mean you need to load up every day.

7. I will remain composed when my basketball team plays our rivals, even when the other team is up two points with fifteen seconds to go in the game and the ref isn’t calling any of their fouls.

Perhaps if you are making this resolution, you will also want to promise yourself not to get into altercations with a fan after the game. I’m from UConn, and there were many heated moments at Syracuse games that stain my past. I still get tingles of rage when someone mentions the name “Gerry McNamara.” But hey, I’m working on it.

8. I will only have sex sober in 2009.

That’s a good one if you’ve been letting Captain Morgan influence your libido lately. The guy at the bar putting all of your drinks on his tab might not be too happy about it, but this one will save you from the walk of shame when March comes in like a lion.

9. I won’t swear and say I hate my school the next time I can’t get the required courses for my major, or I fail a class because my TA doesn’t speak English, or financial aid decides to rape me in the arse.

Because, come on. Even though every semester, something is bound to come up to “ruin your life” for the time being, at the end of the day, when you’re with your bestests at happy hour, reminiscing about “the time when….” you know that you really love your school. Otherwise, you would have transferred months ago.

10. I will be a moral, upstanding citizen.

Yeah, if anyone can give me some tips on that one, I’d really appreciate it. Although I did give some beggars on the New York subway a few quarters the other day, so maybe there’s hope after all.

So wouldn’t it be great if you could make that rice in your own kitchen and avoid shelling out $8 for an all-you-can-eat meal of regret?

Yeah, that’s what I thought.

Here’s the good news: you can, and it’s easy. In fact, if you ever have stray vegetables or leftovers lying around (like I do almost… oh, let’s see, EVERY DAY), it’s even easier. Fried rice is incredibly forgiving—you can toss whatever you want in there, and it will still taste great.

So here’s a basic recipe, but feel free to play around with it!

To serve two, you should have:

• Rice (about 2 cups cooked)

• Oil

• Meat or tofu (I like to use chicken)

• A little sweetness, like raisins, currants, orange rinds, or pineapple bits

• Veggies (most crucial are probably onions, and I also often use carrots, cabbage, broccoli, corn, peas, bell peppers…)

• Scrambled eggs (optional but delicious)

• Seasoning—If you’re going for Indian flavor, use chili powder, cumin, and garam masala. For Chinese style, use soy sauce, stir-fry sauce, and sesame oil. Garlic is good for both kinds, and so is ginger.

Get Cookin’:

First, stir-fry your veggies and your sweetness in a frying pan with a little bit of oil. I like to fry my veggies and meat/tofu together, but you can do them separately and then combine them later, as well. Stir-fry everything on medium heat until it’s tender and beginning to brown, about 10 minutes.

Your rice should be pre-cooked before you begin stir-frying the vegetables because, otherwise, it will be too moist. So, make it ahead of time if you can; if not, try to get it done at least 15-30 minutes in advance.

When your veggies and meat/tofu are done cooking, combine them if you haven’t already. Add your seasoning, lower the heat, and continue cooking them for a minute or two until you think the spices have infused their delicious flavors into the ingredients.

Finally, add the cooked rice to the pan, and stir everything together. Turn off the heat. Add more spices if necessary, serve, and enjoy!

[Image courtesy of maona.net.]