“There’s a ‘new’ Facebook?” I asked.

“Yeah,” he replied. “Is it bad that I want to go home right now just to try it out?”

“Definitely,” I responded. “Stay here and get drunk. New Facebook will be waiting when the bar closes.”

Facebook has had quite the impact on American pop culture. I mean, really? This guy wanted to leave the bar to try it!? Whenever there’s even a minimal change in the layout and operation of the social network, it causes an uproar.

Remember when mini-feed first popped up? Immediately, groups sprouted all over the internet:

“Down with Mini-Feed!”

“Boycott F/B if They Don’t Get Rid of Mini-Feed Immediately!”

“Facebook Makes Stalking Easier with Mini-Feed!”

You get the point. Of course, now we’re all used to the program, and many of us keep updated via mini-feed every day: “Hey, I saw on Mini-Feed that you got a new job, congratulations!”

So, even though I’m hesitant to add too many applications (I don’t like that we have to check a box giving the ‘application’ full access to the info in our profiles), and even though I’m fully content keeping tabs on my friends the “old way,” I decided to check out the hullabaloo that is The New Facebook.

The Initial Log In

Okay, at first glance, it just looks more… horizontal. News Feed is on the front page, but you can organize the layout by clicking the appropriate tabs: Top Stories, Status Updates, Photos, and Posted Items. Right now, I’m on the “Photos” tab. So I can see that a woman from my office was tagged in a work-related album, an old friend has been partying it up enough to be tagged in TWO new albums, and some girl I haven’t talked to in over a year added new photos to remember her first encounter at a local bar, which, personally, I think is an overrated drinking establishment. Each news feed story is accompanied by four sample photos from the respective albums.

Doesn’t regular Facebook do that too?

Only 30 seconds into “New Facebook,” and I’m already forgetting what “Old Facebook” is like.

My Profile

My profile is certainly wider. The top bar offers links to myself (but I’m already looking at my own profile?), Friends, Applications, and Inbox. Instead of viewing my whole profile in one go, however, there is also a tabs bar for me to choose from “Wall,” “Info,” and “Photos.” Hmmm… seems like a lot of clicking. Why can’t I see my wall AND my info on my own profile?

Wall is the default tab, apparently, and the layout features both wall posts and my status updates. Okay, this is different… but does it matter? I can see that yesterday, I wrote on two friends’ walls, on August 4th, I added the “Free Gifts” application, and my cousin was the last person to write on my wall. Yawn. Let’s move on to the stalking.

My Friend’s Profile

I decided to test out my friend Dave’s profile. My view of his profile is exactly the same as mine: his Wall is the default tab, with options to view his Info and Photos available. Again, his wall comments are intermingled with mini-feed. Yesterday, some girl wrote on his wall; on August 4th, he got three comments; on August 3rd, he was tagged in 11 photos. I think it’s strange that someone else’s wall would be my default. I mean, if I had just added Dave, my first introduction to his Facebook would be a bunch of comments from people that I may or may not know.

Personally, I like to see how people describe themselves and their favorite music, movies, etc. It feels a bit like eavesdropping to see these comments, even though they were posted on a public sphere. Maybe the rest of the Facebook-using world likes to write on someone’s wall immediately after having a friend request accepted, but now I feel like I’ll have to censor the inside jokes I drunkenly post on Dave’s wall, because the Wall is now in the F/B spotlight.

I think the only upside here is that you don’t have to scroll down pages of applications, bumper stickers, and SuperWall posts in order to find the place to write your own comments to your friends. (Editor’s Note: BIGGEST PET PEEVE EVER!)

Conclusion?

Before I could try New Facebook, a friend set her status to “…took only five minutes to realize she hates the new Facebook.” I don’t think it’s that bad, but I really don’t see all the rage about a “NEW” Facebook. I was expecting a cyber-adventure. What I found, really, was just a few more links to click on to surf around the social networking. I suppose if Facebook is a major method of procrastination for you, the new version is more time-consuming.

A growing sense of disdain for Dubya didn’t cut it. Being able to register at the DMV just didn’t do the trick either. P. Diddy couldn’t get us to do it, for Christ’s sake. So just what will it take to seriously win the youth vote? We are, after all, 20 million strong and dammit we deserve to be wooed!

I, for one, would like to see an increase in, shall we say, “game” from candidates both blue and red. McCain, obviously, has taken a step toward this lofty goal by recruiting the support of one of our high holy leaders. Sorry, Obama, that you have neglected to secure such a prestigious pledge of loyalty from the chosen generation (us, duh) but feel free to borrow any of these gems that I think would increase voter turnout for those of the youthful persuasion. You see gentlemen, the key to our hearts is to manipulate our basic dependence upon the following:

Natty Lite

Slap some platform positions on the back of those bad boys and cover up the saddening nutrition facts–we don’t need to see that anyways. I consider this a double-edged sword. Not only would the important issues be readily at hand (provided you go coozie-less), but additionally, voters can appreciate the conversational lubrication that is cheap beer. As inspiring as 4.2% alcohol can be to philosophical convos (if you drink, don’t EVEN pretend you’ve never been there post bar crawl!) that stuff takes a while to imbibe, making those discussions last just a wee bit longer. Now that a pseudo intellectual discush has gone down, both candidates have enjoyed spirited (literally) debate over their issues that should inspire sober consideration come November.

Facebook.

Okay so beyond groups, events, Flair, etc., Facebook remains a largely untapped renewable resource that neither of the candidates have considered drilling off the coast of. I, however, have pondered many a time just what my life would be like should bumper stickers ever be converted into useable currency. The first guy who figures out how to do this (come on Congress, I know you’ve thought about it too!) could easily channel the power of a demographic that has more disposable free time than disposable income. Split it down the middle of the “recently popular category”– McCain gets all proceeds from those vintagey pastel ones with witty quips and Obama nabs all those concerning Edward Cullen, whoever he is. Convert those bad boys to campaign donations and hot damn we might just end world hunger.

Pizza.

A dietary need for everyone from Rhodes Scholars to Stoners, and all of us in between. If only the powers that be had thought to harness this essence of cheesy, carby goodness. So it may seem a little unorthodox, but hey, this is def a ground breaking race. So to demonstrate just how far you would go to serve your people (sit down McCain) I’m almost positive that door to door delivery of pies is the way to go. It proves you’re omnipresent (watch out terror!), punctual (30 minutes or it’s free!) and dedicated to the needs of your public (fatty deliciousness.)

Thirsty Thursdays.

A hallowed staple of coeds across the nation, Thursday nights are a beacon of hope throughout a heavy week of exams, papers, and lectures that make it seem like Friday will never come. So we said f*ck it, started the weekend early and vowed to slog through hungover Friday classes. I think this kind of pluck and determination should be recognized by the men fighting for our loyalty. Personally, I feel that there’s a lot to be said for the ability of wasted people to recall song lyrics– attend any AYCD with a Dave Matthews Cover Band and you’ll see what I’m talking about.

Boys, I’m thinking you should use the power of blind conformity to your advantage and have O.A.R. write your campaign songs from now on; let the sound of your manufactured ideals pour into your ears from the mouths of random drunks of our great country. Conversely, I am a staunch adversary of drinking and driving, and I’m sure you both are too. To reinforce your standpoint, I suggest you put your money where your billion dollar defense budget is: pay our cab fare for the ride home!

So there you have it: our necessities. And unless you can find a way to guarantee state sponsored booty calls (this would be a good time to consider Spitzer for a running mate) you just won’t get any closer to secure the “youth vote.” Of course I realize that these are highly generalized (some might even suggest degrading) paths to our vote, but so far the best anyone’s come up with is MTV cramming their airtime with veejays and celebrities urging us to “rock the vote.” So, ya know, until the grown ups figure out we’re capable of intelligent thought and all, any more brilliant ploys our future president can use to earn our vote?