You know when you’re watching TV at 3am while trying to concentrate on finishing up an essay and all of a sudden an infomercial comes on? Before you realize it, your computer is on the floor and you can’t take your eyes off of the too-chipper spokesperson and the ridiculous invention they’re hawking.

Although we make fun of those commercials like it’s our job, you have to admit, sometimes they come up with pretty good ideas. I mean, the Snuggie? Hello, Mr. Genius! So, as embarrassing as it is to admit, I’m going to lay out the 10 as-seen-on-TV products that I really, really want but won’t get out of fear the UPS guy will judge me.

I love when completely undeserving, socially unacceptable, borderline retarded people like Snooki are somehow able to rake in the big bucks for absolutely no reason at all. Good for you! (Actually, if you couldn’t tell by my tone, I absolutely hate it).

Still, contrary to my opinion, the Snooki obsession not only has yet to die, but it’s going stronger than ever. Perhaps it has something to do with the greatly anticipated season 2 of Jersey Shore. Or the fact that everyone loves a hot mess (what up, LiLo?). First the girl gets paid $10,000 to party at clubs across the country and now Steve Madden has decided to create the “Snooki” shoe.

WHY, STEVE MADDEN, WHY?!?!

However, I must say, the shoe’s multicolored glittery, platform design couldn’t epitomize my chic, sophisticated icon, Snooki, any better if it tried.

Despite my deep contempt for the fame that has befallen The Princess of Poughkeepsie, I do fully support any woman’s quest to rake in the big bucks while she still matters. But why stop at stripper shoes, Snooks? Here are a few other products our favorite Guidette should slap her name on.

1. Bumpits
Umm… hello? Why hasn’t anyone ever thought of this before? Snooki was obviously this company’s main inspiration in the first place, thus she is the rightful woman to reap the benefits. (I actually think I saw commercials for this before I ever laid eyes on that breathtaking Guidette bump of hers, but who cares? No one does bumps like Snooki.)

2. Pickles
I know this might sound a bit unrealistic but I mean, really, if you think about it, how exciting can a typical pickle commercial truly get? That Vlasic Pickles duck’s got nothing on itty-bitty, teeny-weeny Snooki.

3. Tanning beds, lotions etc.
It’s one thing to go tanning. It’s another to get the deep, dark, sensual (slightly orange) skin tone of Miss Snooks. Who would want to use the plain ol’ regular shiz when your tanning experience can give you a one-of-a-kind Snooki Glow?

4. Mini dresses with built-in underwear
If you’ve ever watched the Jersey Shore you probably know a little something about Snooki’s tendency to – ehm – do back flips while battling on the dance floor. Instead of the cameras (or whoever’s watching) having to blur out your panty-less crotch – this new line of mini dresses will not stop you from having a good time…Snooki-style. (Really, girl, you should get a patent on this. You can thank me later.)

5. Condoms
Because – can you really think of anyone better to endorse safe sex?!

Money!

Happy Tax Day! I know it’s not the best day for those of you who have to hand your hard-earned money over to the government (perhaps a free donut will help?), but some of you might be lucky enough to be getting some cash back. Hooray! If you’re anything like me, you were so excited at the prospect of having triple digits in your bank account that you started spending that money before you even got it.

Good for you! Stimulate that economy! Treat yourself to something wonderful. Just don’t let all the excitement blind you. Below, 5 things you shouldn’t waste your money on. Seriously. Read More »

Letterman and Palin’s tiff over his hilarious and, okay, slightly horrible and sexist comments, had the media’s focus back on our favorite Alaskan governor: Mrs. Sarah Palin. Finally – after a lot of back, forth and all around – the two kissed and made up and all is right with the late night funnyman and ex-candidate for VP, who, shocker, has a sense of humor?

Inspired by the feud and by Letterman’s classic “Top Ten” format, I’ve decided to do a Weekly Ten on whatever the presses and our readers are buzzing about. Late Night, CollegeCandy style. Now even though Palin jokes are so last fall, as a tribute to both Dave and Ms. Palin, I’m going to kick off the “Weekly Ten” with the Top Ten reasons I wish Sarah Palin was my Mommy. Apologies to my own mommy, the cougar version of Barack Girl. Still love you, mom!

10. Never ending shades of lipstick to borrow!
Warning: even with perfect application, these cosmetics may still make you a pig.

9. MILF!
And GILF! Maybe she can give pointers on how to age gracefully. Provided you don’t care about anything other than looking fly in glasses and a red skirt suit.

8. Exotic digs.
I mean, this is just a gimme: she can see Russia from her house.

7. Homegirl can bust a rhyme
Oh wait, that’s Amy Poehler. Another point for cool SNL moms.

6. Never ending supply of skirt suits!
Also a bonus if you want to be a flight attendant. Notice how I didn’t say slutty. Take note, David. Read More »

We’ve all seen these products advertised in the wee hours of the morning when we’re still awake for some odd reason and the idea of a rotisserie chicken or some tall hair sounds too good to pass up. Most of us have probably even bought a few. They sound too good to be true, and they probably are, but we just can’t resist trying them out. Especially at such great bargains. (“You mean for only 3 payments of $19.95 I can get FOUR random useless pieces of crap!? OMG where’s my telephone!?!” Sound familiar?)

Infomercials take advantage of sleep-deprivation induced errors in judgment, but can we blame them? After all, they are fun to watch and some of the do offer pretty cool stuff. Below are my 7 all-time favorites, in no specific order. Read More »