You know when you’re watching TV at 3am while trying to concentrate on finishing up an essay and all of a sudden an infomercial comes on? Before you realize it, your computer is on the floor and you can’t take your eyes off of the too-chipper spokesperson and the ridiculous invention they’re hawking.

Although we make fun of those commercials like it’s our job, you have to admit, sometimes they come up with pretty good ideas. I mean, the Snuggie? Hello, Mr. Genius! So, as embarrassing as it is to admit, I’m going to lay out the 10 as-seen-on-TV products that I really, really want but won’t get out of fear the UPS guy will judge me.

Still, contrary to my opinion, the Snooki obsession not only has yet to die, but it’s going stronger than ever. Perhaps it has something to do with the greatly anticipated season 2 of Jersey Shore. Or the fact that everyone loves a hot mess (what up, LiLo?). First the girl gets paid $10,000 to party at clubs across the country and now Steve Madden has decided to create the “Snooki” shoe.

WHY, STEVE MADDEN, WHY?!?!

However, I must say, the shoe’s multicolored glittery, platform design couldn’t epitomize my chic, sophisticated icon, Snooki, any better if it tried.

Despite my deep contempt for the fame that has befallen The Princess of Poughkeepsie, I do fully support any woman’s quest to rake in the big bucks while she still matters. But why stop at stripper shoes, Snooks? Here are a few other products our favorite Guidette should slap her name on.

1. Bumpits
Umm… hello? Why hasn’t anyone ever thought of this before? Snooki was obviously this company’s main inspiration in the first place, thus she is the rightful woman to reap the benefits. (I actually think I saw commercials for this before I ever laid eyes on that breathtaking Guidette bump of hers, but who cares? No one does bumps like Snooki.)

2. Pickles
I know this might sound a bit unrealistic but I mean, really, if you think about it, how exciting can a typical pickle commercial truly get? That Vlasic Pickles duck’s got nothing on itty-bitty, teeny-weeny Snooki.

3. Tanning beds, lotions etc.
It’s one thing to go tanning. It’s another to get the deep, dark, sensual (slightly orange) skin tone of Miss Snooks. Who would want to use the plain ol’ regular shiz when your tanning experience can give you a one-of-a-kind Snooki Glow?

4. Mini dresses with built-in underwear
If you’ve ever watched the Jersey Shore you probably know a little something about Snooki’s tendency to – ehm – do back flips while battling on the dance floor. Instead of the cameras (or whoever’s watching) having to blur out your panty-less crotch – this new line of mini dresses will not stop you from having a good time…Snooki-style. (Really, girl, you should get a patent on this. You can thank me later.)

5. Condoms
Because – can you really think of anyone better to endorse safe sex?!

Money!

Happy Tax Day! I know it’s not the best day for those of you who have to hand your hard-earned money over to the government (perhaps a free donut will help?), but some of you might be lucky enough to be getting some cash back. Hooray! If you’re anything like me, you were so excited at the prospect of having triple digits in your bank account that you started spending that money before you even got it.

Good for you! Stimulate that economy! Treat yourself to something wonderful. Just don’t let all the excitement blind you. Below, 5 things you shouldn’t waste your money on. Seriously.

1. A boob job
If Heidi Montag’s mega-jugs aren’t enough to turn you off, maybe this woman can convince you. Sure, four boobs for the price of two seems like a deal, but, uh, it’s four boobs. I’m pretty sure most people get by with two. Instead, try the Victoria’s Secret Miraculous push-up bra. It really does add two sizes (and not two extra boobs) and it’s much, much cheaper.

2. A tanning package
I too am trying my darndest to keep my Spring Break tan from fading before bikini season. But with recent reports that indoor tanning ups the odds of melanoma by more than 50%, I’m opting to save my cash and my skin! A healthier and cheaper alternative? Jergen’s Natural Glow lotion and Tantowels. They really work!

3. Harem Pants
With all that extra cash burning a hole in your bank account it’s tempting to splurge on designer duds that you couldn’t normally afford. But just because the fashion mags claim something is “in,” doesn’t mean you should go spend your hard-earned tax dollars on it. I mean, really, fashion editors? I don’t care if these genie pants are by Marc Jacobs and Jean Paul Gaultier, they are UGLY. Let’s all be fiscally responsible and stick with last year’s skinny jeans, K?

4. This skirt
Do I even need to say it?

5. Anything you see on an infomercial
Infomercial products are tempting, especially when it’s 3:30 am, you’re drunk and you’ve got a few extra hundred bucks to burn. Resist. I don’t know you, but I’m pretty sure you don’t need a tool to help you wipe your ass, a blender that sounds like a vibrator, or a Bumpit (unless you’re preparing for a summer in Seaside Heights).

Inspired by the feud and by Letterman’s classic “Top Ten” format, I’ve decided to do a Weekly Ten on whatever the presses and our readers are buzzing about. Late Night, CollegeCandy style. Now even though Palin jokes are so last fall, as a tribute to both Dave and Ms. Palin, I’m going to kick off the “Weekly Ten” with the Top Ten reasons I wish Sarah Palin was my Mommy. Apologies to my own mommy, the cougar version of Barack Girl. Still love you, mom!

10. Never ending shades of lipstick to borrow!
Warning: even with perfect application, these cosmetics may still make you a pig.

9. MILF!
And GILF! Maybe she can give pointers on how to age gracefully. Provided you don’t care about anything other than looking fly in glasses and a red skirt suit.

8. Exotic digs.
I mean, this is just a gimme: she can see Russia from her house.

7. Homegirl can bust a rhyme
Oh wait, that’s Amy Poehler. Another point for cool SNL moms.

6. Never ending supply of skirt suits!
Also a bonus if you want to be a flight attendant. Notice how I didn’t say slutty. Take note, David.

5. You’d get to hang out with the McCains.
Screw the Republican party – try the McCain party. You betcha that family just knows how to party, even if John McCain can’t exactly put his hands in the air and wave them around like he just don’t care anymore.

4. People might mistake her for Tina Fey.
Who’d actually be a cool mom. Plus, maybe a connection to Jimmy Fallon? Yum.

3. She’s an expert on the “bump-it”
Really, she’s only second to Winehouse. Does anyone actually own one of these things?

2. Totally relaxed about birth control methods.
Thanks Bristol, but I’ll be making the boyf squeeze into Trojans.

1. Fresh Moose Stew!
Sure beats meatloaf.

Melanie currently interning in NYC, taking full advantage of all margarita specials and those blonde summer boys. Stalk her on Twitter: @tinkermellie

We’ve all seen these products advertised in the wee hours of the morning when we’re still awake for some odd reason and the idea of a rotisserie chicken or some tall hair sounds too good to pass up. Most of us have probably even bought a few. They sound too good to be true, and they probably are, but we just can’t resist trying them out. Especially at such great bargains. (“You mean for only 3 payments of $19.95 I can get FOUR random useless pieces of crap!? OMG where’s my telephone!?!” Sound familiar?)

Infomercials take advantage of sleep-deprivation induced errors in judgment, but can we blame them? After all, they are fun to watch and some of the do offer pretty cool stuff. Below are my 7 all-time favorites, in no specific order.

ShamWOW!

Every time I see the ShamWOW! infomercial I want, no, NEED to buy fifty. ShamWOW! is a magic towel that is so absorbent it is practically a vacuum. That might not sound exciting, but if you have seen the infomercial then you know what I’m talking about. That guy really knows how to sell product! He is so passionate about it, I wouldn’t be surprised to find a lifetime supply of ShamWOW!s hidden in his kitchen cabinets.

Vidalia Chop Wizard

Yes, I am tired of all that chopping and all those tears! My TV is psychic! Having worked in a restaurant, I have an especially passionate hatred for chopping onions. I always wind up with bloody fingers and teary eyes. But the Vidalia Chop Wizard changes everything! The Chop Wizard can chop anything perfectly with a simple crushing motion. I wonder how long it will take me to melt the block of ice encasing my credit card…

Windsor Pilates Dynamic Sculpting Ball

Windsor Pilates claims to be the age-old secret to perfect celebrity bodies. Now, all we need is a little ball to get a body like Kara Dioguardi? Sign me up!

Hairagami

Who didn’t have a hairagami in high school? Hairagami revolutionized the at-home up-do, and created some pretty ugly hairstyles in the process (pony heart? Come on.) Nonetheless, Hairagami brought fancy buns and hair twists to the everyday girl, and I have to love them for that.

Life Alert

Because if you don’t buy your grandma this product, she will fall down and die! The infomercial is a little over-the-top, and the classic “Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!” line has become quite the joke among our generation, but the product does seem like a good idea for any ill person living alone.

The Snuggie

I never realized how hard it was to use a blanket until I saw this infomercial. The Snuggie is a blanket with sleeves, so that you can stay warm while you read a book, brew coffee, or hold a baby! Snuggies are one-size-fits-all , machine-washable, and can even be used outside. It’s impossible to watch the infomercial and not think that buying a few Snuggies is the ticket to the perfect life.

Easy Curves

You mean I can have bigger boobs by doing a few simple daily exercises?? Once you get over how creepy these women’s breasts look while they’re doing the exercises, this product seems pretty cool. I have no idea if it actually works, but they say they have scientific research! Gimme, gimme!

Tell us, have you bought any of these? What are your favorite infomercials??