Soon you’re in a first class seat to Blackout City (population: who the eff knows? You’re seeing double), and the next thing you know, you’re waking up topless in a strange bed, wearing someone’s boxers and one high heel. You turn over slowly, silently pleading that at least he’s good looking.

But regardless of what you see (there’s no turning back now, sister!), there are 10 major things you don’t want to hear:

1.    “You’re on birth control, right?”
(OhMyGodPleaseLetThereBeACondomWrapperOnTheFloor…..)

2.    “That video is going to get so many hits online”

3.    “What was your name again?”
This problem is two-fold. One: he put his P in your V and he doesn’t even know your name?! What a sleaze. Two: Sh*t! What name did you give him last night!?

4.    “Thank God those warts went away!”

5.    “I love you.”
You knew you were good, but that good?

6.    “I always knew my first time would be awesome!”

7.     “You might want to get checked out.”

8.   “You’re almost as good as your sister.”
Other equally terrible comparisons: ex-girlfriend, your mom, your roommate, your best friend, and your best gay guy friend.

9.    “Sorry, I have to answer this call, it’s my girlfriend.”

10.     “So, you want to go down on me or what?”
Especially heinous after a long encounter with every girl’s arch nemesis, Mr. Whiskey Dick.

All ten of these are serious cause to pack that kid up and ship him out. Oh…this is his place? Ok, just find your other shoe and be on your way. Or just screw the shoe – you’ve got plenty more at home. Run!

Have you heard worse? Share your thoughts below!

Melanie currently interning in NYC, taking full advantage of all margarita specials and those blonde summer boys. Stalk her on Twitter: @tinkermellie

I bet your roommate sucks. Don’t worry, I understand. I have a twin sister and therefore have had to share living quarters with another girl for my entire life.

It’s cool and all when you’re six years old, and sharing space meant sharing Barbies, but once you hit 18 and it’s time for college…you’re probably going to want your roommate out during playtime.

You’ve probably already set up your dorm room, but there’s always a chance it could be set up better,with more of your own space, and with something we all desperately need.

No f*cking drama.

First things first:

No bunk beds. I know, I know, they save space and all that, but top bunk is only cool at summer camp. Plus with your roommate’s bed literally attached to yours you might as well be attached at the hip too. And can I just remind everyone that there’s nothing sexy (or mysterious) about climbing into a top bunk with a guy you’re hoping to bone.

Just trust me.

Keep your desks on opposite walls. This keeps your backs to each other when you’re studying or writing a paper, but also maximizes your own personal space because it limits the chances that your inconsiderate roommate will allow all her sh*t to overflow into your area. Bonus! You won’t have to worry about her peeking over your shoulder should you peruse some, shall we say, private sites.

Keep tabs on your stuff. It sounds a bit neurotic (and hopelessly obvious), but have separate spaces for your things and her’s. Make sure you take a second and make it known to one another that one side of the room is yours and vice versa. If you have to resort to using tape to divide the room…so be it.

What about the space you’re forced to share? Sure, you’re both using a dorm fridge the size of a shoebox, but keep one shelf for you and the other for your roomie. If you’ve just spent your last 10 bucks on some peanut butter and a six pack, and one goes missing, you’ll know exactly where it went.

Seperate the closet into 2 different sides, and don’t fall into the trap of thinking that just because you’re roommates then it means you’re best friends too and thereby allowed to borrow clothes at will.

You won’t get that sweater back at the end of the semester.

Don’t be that passive-aggressive girl. This means angry looks, talking behind her back, and leaving notes with no explanation. For example: I shared a suite-style dorm my freshman year where I shared a bathroom with 3 other girls. We had to clean that crap-hole ourselves and being the stupid 18 year old girls we were…we just didn’t.

One day, me and my roommate got fed up with the funny colors the shower was taking on, took a night and made the place spotless. But not before we took “before” pictures, put them on our computer, and made a little sign that said “CLEAN THE BATHROOM”. Then we posted it on our bathroom door where our suitemates found it and got pissed…obviously.

Being passive-aggressive is totally lame. Plus, I can guarantee that you’ll find something missing or broken in your room the next day…I miss my desk lamp.

Devise a list of house rules. It’s going to be the worst 15 minutes of your life, sitting down with a girl you only kind of know and writing down all the stuff you’re not cool with. But you know what’s worse? Dealing with your roommate who’s PMS-ing and pissed at you for using her shampoo. Hell hath no fury like a premenstrual chick with dirty hair.

The best piece of advice for someone who can only live comfortably alone and with a full size bed? Don’t let anything fester. Having a roommate is like having a live-in boyfriend, except worse because you’re dealing with a woman. You know what I mean.

If you let everything slide and never utter a word to your dorm mate, life will be a silent, awkward hell where you’ll be counting the days until Winter Break.

And if you’re school was anything like mine, Residence Life is a pain in the ass.