Soon you’re in a first class seat to Blackout City (population: who the eff knows? You’re seeing double), and the next thing you know, you’re waking up topless in a strange bed, wearing someone’s boxers and one high heel. You turn over slowly, silently pleading that at least he’s good looking.

But regardless of what you see (there’s no turning back now, sister!), there are 10 major things you don’t want to hear:

1.    “You’re on birth control, right?”
(OhMyGodPleaseLetThereBeACondomWrapperOnTheFloor…..)

2.    “That video is going to get so many hits online”

3.    “What was your name again?”
This problem is two-fold. One: he put his P in your V and he doesn’t even know your name?! What a sleaze. Two: Sh*t! What name did you give him last night!?

4.    “Thank God those warts went away!”

5.    “I love you.”
You knew you were good, but that good?

6.    “I always knew my first time would be awesome!”

7.     “You might want to get checked out.”

8.   “You’re almost as good as your sister.”
Other equally terrible comparisons: ex-girlfriend, your mom, your roommate, your best friend, and your best gay guy friend.

9.    “Sorry, I have to answer this call, it’s my girlfriend.”

10.     “So, you want to go down on me or what?”
Especially heinous after a long encounter with every girl’s arch nemesis, Mr. Whiskey Dick.

All ten of these are serious cause to pack that kid up and ship him out. Oh…this is his place? Ok, just find your other shoe and be on your way. Or just screw the shoe – you’ve got plenty more at home. Run!

Have you heard worse? Share your thoughts below!

Melanie currently interning in NYC, taking full advantage of all margarita specials and those blonde summer boys. Stalk her on Twitter: @tinkermellie

Midterms are still weeks away, and already you can’t stand your roommate. Being forced to share such small quarters as a dorm room with another person can take its toll on one’s sanity. Perhaps you got a random roommate, and the two of you just never clicked, or maybe you chose to room with a friend, only to find that spending every waking moment with her is a nightmare. You want to do a housing swap, but you’re settled into your room. Problem is, so is she. The gauntlet has been thrown; how do you make her move out?

1.Leave Passive-Agressive Notes.

The PAN is a surefire way to irk any person who gets it. You know what I’m talking about: Post-It notes that are written in a polite tone of voice, yet irritate you more than your mom nagging you to clean your room in high school. In fact, often the PAN comes off as sounding like your mom. I’m getting annoyed just thinking about PANs! So, use this technique to get under the roommate’s skin.

If her stuff has flooded into your personal space, neatly stack it on her desk with a note that says, “Please clean up after yourself!” If she continually forgets to lock the door, or turn off the light, write, “Please don’t forget to turn off the lights and lock the door!” on your dry-erase board. The more she irritates you, the more PANs you will be inspired to write, and the cycle of pissing each other off will continue until her bags are packed.

2. Get Dirty.

She’s a neat-freak, you’re a slob. But for the first few weeks, you made an honest attempt to change your ways. Yet what was impeccably clean for you was still too dirty for her. That’s it – show her the definition of mess. Even if you aren’t the sloppy one, big messes in small dorm rooms can be unbearable.

Case in point? A friend of mine was sick of always cleaning up after her sloppy roommate. One night, she stumbled home from the bar, wasted, and tried to make a drunken snack. Turned out, she was so wasted that all she could make was a puddle of pasta sauce… all over the floor. Drunk, hungry, and annoyed, my friend left the mess and went to bed, vowing to get up early the next morning and clean up when she was sober. This instigated a PAN from her roommate, about how they were both adults and should be able to clean up after themselves, which, in turn, prompted my friend to leave a non-passive, VERY aggressive note that sounded something like, “This was a one-time thing, and I never asked you clean up after me, bitch!“

This happened in April. The two girls didn’t talk for the rest of the school year.

3. Move Her Stuff.

I’m not saying hide her stuff, or steal her stuff; I’m just saying move it. People are very possessive of their personal belongings, especially when they are at odds with someone who is invading their space. If she leaves her notes all over the floor, picking them up and leaving them on her desk, or on top of her messenger bag will surely rub her the wrong way.

I have had a lot of poor living situations, but I don’t think anything irritated me more than sharing an apartment with a girl who constantly moved my shit around. Once, she decided that my 30-rack of Miller Lite took up too much room in the refrigerator, so she moved the case of beer… to the top of the dryer. WTF? That doesn’t even make sense! She then proceeded to do laundry, and the dryer heated up my beer and skunked all thirty cans. I’m still bitter, can you tell?

4. Make Ridiculous Requests.

Again, this involves using a passive-aggressive tone of voice in order to be completely effective. I once shared a dorm with a girl who told me I typed too loudly, and asked me not to keep her up by using my computer past 11 o’clock.

As an English major with at least one paper due every week, typing was going to happen. And as a college student putting herself through school by waiting tables five nights a week, the typing was not going to get done before 11 o’clock. So, make your own ridiculous requests to make your roommate think a single room is the way to go. She’ll be tired of your anal, OCD attitude in no time.

5. Make the Situation A-W-K-W-A-R-D.

Typically, sex is the best way to achieve this task. Even if you’re aren’t screwing anyone, she doesn’t need to know that. I had a friend who shared a suite and hated her suitemate. Her grand plan? Invite her best guy friend over, be all over him in the common room, and then move to the bedroom, where they would proceed to moan and make other loud sex sounds. They never actually did anything, but her hated suitemate thought she was a total nympho, and was creeped out enough to start staying away from the room to avoid hearing what she thought was a sexfest. See how creative girls can be when they hate each other?

6. Just Move Out Yourself.

If you really can’t stand living with your roommate, maybe you will be happier if you just switch rooms yourself. That way, you don’t have to spend your study time thinking of ways to make her miserable, and you don’t have to reduce yourself to being a conniving, catty bitch. Do you really have that strong of an emotional attachment to the bunk bed you’ve only been sleeping on for a few weeks?

Besides, the best part about moving out first is that you can leave little “presents” behind that she might not find for weeks. I once moved out and “accidentally” forgot a tupperware container in the fridge which had already begun to grow mold. I don’t even want to know what was growing in there by the time my former roommate cleaned out the apartment and found that little gem.

[Photo courtesy of tuesday.com] 

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I bet your roommate sucks. Don’t worry, I understand. I have a twin sister and therefore have had to share living quarters with another girl for my entire life.

It’s cool and all when you’re six years old, and sharing space meant sharing Barbies, but once you hit 18 and it’s time for college…you’re probably going to want your roommate out during playtime.

You’ve probably already set up your dorm room, but there’s always a chance it could be set up better,with more of your own space, and with something we all desperately need.

No f*cking drama.

First things first:

No bunk beds. I know, I know, they save space and all that, but top bunk is only cool at summer camp. Plus with your roommate’s bed literally attached to yours you might as well be attached at the hip too. And can I just remind everyone that there’s nothing sexy (or mysterious) about climbing into a top bunk with a guy you’re hoping to bone.

Just trust me.

Keep your desks on opposite walls. This keeps your backs to each other when you’re studying or writing a paper, but also maximizes your own personal space because it limits the chances that your inconsiderate roommate will allow all her sh*t to overflow into your area. Bonus! You won’t have to worry about her peeking over your shoulder should you peruse some, shall we say, private sites.

Keep tabs on your stuff. It sounds a bit neurotic (and hopelessly obvious), but have separate spaces for your things and her’s. Make sure you take a second and make it known to one another that one side of the room is yours and vice versa. If you have to resort to using tape to divide the room…so be it.

What about the space you’re forced to share? Sure, you’re both using a dorm fridge the size of a shoebox, but keep one shelf for you and the other for your roomie. If you’ve just spent your last 10 bucks on some peanut butter and a six pack, and one goes missing, you’ll know exactly where it went.

Seperate the closet into 2 different sides, and don’t fall into the trap of thinking that just because you’re roommates then it means you’re best friends too and thereby allowed to borrow clothes at will.

You won’t get that sweater back at the end of the semester.

Don’t be that passive-aggressive girl. This means angry looks, talking behind her back, and leaving notes with no explanation. For example: I shared a suite-style dorm my freshman year where I shared a bathroom with 3 other girls. We had to clean that crap-hole ourselves and being the stupid 18 year old girls we were…we just didn’t.

One day, me and my roommate got fed up with the funny colors the shower was taking on, took a night and made the place spotless. But not before we took “before” pictures, put them on our computer, and made a little sign that said “CLEAN THE BATHROOM”. Then we posted it on our bathroom door where our suitemates found it and got pissed…obviously.

Being passive-aggressive is totally lame. Plus, I can guarantee that you’ll find something missing or broken in your room the next day…I miss my desk lamp.

Devise a list of house rules. It’s going to be the worst 15 minutes of your life, sitting down with a girl you only kind of know and writing down all the stuff you’re not cool with. But you know what’s worse? Dealing with your roommate who’s PMS-ing and pissed at you for using her shampoo. Hell hath no fury like a premenstrual chick with dirty hair.

The best piece of advice for someone who can only live comfortably alone and with a full size bed? Don’t let anything fester. Having a roommate is like having a live-in boyfriend, except worse because you’re dealing with a woman. You know what I mean.

If you let everything slide and never utter a word to your dorm mate, life will be a silent, awkward hell where you’ll be counting the days until Winter Break.

And if you’re school was anything like mine, Residence Life is a pain in the ass.