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Mmm. Only 480 calories of fast food goodness.

I can’t lie: I love fast food. So much so that I have mapped out all the fast-food restaurants near my campus and committed all of their locations to memory, as well as the fastest routes to get there. And I may have instructed a cab driver to swing by and grab me a large order of fries and honey for dipping them on the way home from the bar. Twice. Yeah, that’s a bit excessive, but don’t judge; we have all experienced that moment when the dining hall slop is simply too underwhelming and all we want is a Big Mac. And fries. And a milkshake to wash it all down.

It is my firmest belief that fast-food restaurants should be listed as one of America’s deadliest sins. But because I can’t say no to a good drive-thru (Editor’s Note: Don’t try the drunken walk-through-the-drive-thru…they don’t like that), I decided to figure out the healthiest options to order in hopes of keeping obesity at bay. And it’s surprisingly not that hard to find healthy options at grease pits these days.

If you’ve got a hankering for some good ol’ fast food but don’t want to undo that 90-minute Vinyasa class, these are the best options for you:

Wendy’s: I truly believe Wendy’s to be the 4-star restaurant of the fast-food nation. I wish they could all be a little more like Wendy. I would recommend the Mandarin Chicken Salad with Oriental Sesame Dressing and Roasted Almonds. It’s 480 calories and delectable to the last bite. If salad isn’t your bag, try the Ultimate Chicken Grill Sandwich. Only 320 calories and yet still a hearty sandwich. As the name states, it’s the ultimate.

Taco Bell: Taco Bell’s Fresco menu is basically the same items, minus the sour cream. You can get a crunchy taco for only 150 calories. That’s like a 100-calorie pack taco meal. I like the sound of that. But just a warning: You may be saving on calories, but it won’t save you any more time in the bathroom. It’s the curse of Taco Bell. Learn to live with it.

Burger King: We all remember the Whopper Freakout. We don’t need that happening again. It seems the Whopper is undeniable, so I won’t tell you not to eat it. But I will advise you against the Angry Triple Whopper as it clocks in at 1,360 calories. You’ll get the same bang for you buck with the Whopper Jr (370 calories), and you won’t have to do a Target run for larger pants on your way home.

Dominos: The late night Domino’s delivery is inevitable. Accept it. So when you’re craving a slice of pizza to soak up all the alcohol in your system and, face it, you’re going to order a large, here are the lightest options: Cheese, Veggie, Philly Steak, Ham and Pineapple and Grilled Chicken and Veggies. These pizzas all weigh in at about 250 calories per slice. Try not to eat the whole pie by yourself, though. Disaster.

KFC: Resisting their Famous Bowls is like turning down a date with Jude Law for me. But KFC has so many low-fat choices that I simply can’t chow down on biscuits and mashed potatoes in good faith. Now that they are offering Kentucky Grilled Chicken, there is no excuse. Also, may I present for your enjoyment the Honey Barbecue Sandwich—300 calories. Delish.

McDonalds: If Super Size Me has taught you anything, DON’T SUPERSIZE YOUR MEAL! If you ever wondered why the arches are golden, it’s because they’re deep-fried in grease, so back away from the fries, people! Try a Premium Asian Salad with Grilled Chicken (300 calories and 10 grams of fat) or a Grilled Chicken Snack Wrap (260 calories and 9 grams of fat) instead.

Chipotle: If you want to be healthy, just don’t go to Chipotle. It may be buffet style giving you complete control of what you will be eating, but if you’re like me, you’re not going to be able to deny all the toppings they have to offer. In fact, you’re probably going to demand extra guacamole. Right there you’re talking about 1,437 calories and 57 grams of fat. I’m currently hanging my head in shame.

Seriously, if you want me to enjoy your new cleverly named “Seven Incher,” likening it to one of my least favorite activities isn’t going to help. When I see this I do not want to dig into all that beefy glory – all I can think about is lock jaw and “special sauce” in my eye.

Maybe I’d be more into it if it were a 12 incher, but seven? No thanks.

]]> http://collegecandy.com/2009/06/24/burger-king-bj-ad-makes-food-even-less-appealing/feed/ 6 ccandystaff burger king ad copy http://collegecandy.com/2009/06/23/wanna-get-fat-theres-an-app-for-that/ http://collegecandy.com/2009/06/23/wanna-get-fat-theres-an-app-for-that/#comments Tue, 23 Jun 2009 16:04:37 +0000 CC Staff http://collegecandy.com/?p=32649 ]]>

Want to know what song is playing on the radio? There’s an app for that.
Want to mix some fruity cocktails by the pool? There’s an app for that.
Wanna get your rocks off with the same electronic you use for making phone calls? There’s an app for that.

The iPhone has an application for everything, and getting fat is no exception. Because Americans weren’t doing a good enough job of porking up on their own, tons of companies are developing programs making it even easier to access the fat. Ironic, considering all the obese people complaining that their pudgy fingers were too big for the keyboard.

You looking to pack on some poundage? Looks like you need an iFat iPhone.

BURGER KING NOW
Drunk Hungry for a juicy burger? Use Burger King Now to find out how far away you are from one of those Whoppers. Because “fast food” isn’t fast enough for your fat ass, you can create your fatty fried meal right from your phone! (Extra fat, hold the veg!)  Pay for it from the palm of your hand, skip the line and get your grub on.

Dunkin Run
Doing a coffee run for you and your friends before class? Too tired to actually speak your order to the hair-netted lady behind the counter? With this handy app, you can invite your friends, making you “the runner.” You can select your order (one giant coffee and a few Boston Cremes) and your friends will be contacted to do the same (and make you feel guilty because they only ordered a non-fat latte). Then you “run” to get the goods without waiting behind the 20 caffeine-hungry bitches already in line.

PIZZA NOW
This app was definitely created with my 3am drunk ass in mind. I am constantly stumbling home screaming, “PIZZA. NOWWW.” Only I have to wait until I get home to put in my order and then wait another 30 minutes for that greasy deliciousness to arrive. That is not now. This app allows you to find the nearest pizza places (in case you are partying in someone else’s part of town) so you can call and order delivery, or map the directions to walk there and eat that shiz on the way home. Mmmm.

Taco Bell Why Pay More Shaker!
So you’re starving but you only have some loose change on you? Taco Bell is hear to help (and clog your arteries). This app calculates the various $0.79, $.89, and $.99 items on the Taco Bell menu that you can afford. Just type in the amount that you have, and watch the value menu items appear before your eyes so you know your yummy options. (That is, if you consider $.79 meat yummy.)

FastFood Premium
Not sure what you’re craving? Find the closest food places to you and choose from Italian, Chinese, American, Thai food, etc. Call the place for directions and get your fat on.

It is all cheesy movie marathons, holiday jams, catching up on magazines, and heavy carbs for the next few weeks. No more frozen ears walking to class, IM fighting with the roommate who never does her dishes, or long nights in the freaking library. (Although, I really can’t complain that much; at least I’m not this girl.)

And maybe I can finally get over that dude who is so not into me and have me a little holiday fling. That would be nice.

I do have one thing to worry about, though, and that is what the hell to get my parents. Maybe my dad will want the new Burger King cologne? And maybe some makeup brushes for mom? Definitely not the female condom. Ew.

I could just win that sweet new AT&T Palm Centro and give it to one of them. Wait, I want that one for myself. After all, after a week like mine, I deserve it.

No, it’s not his lunch on his breath that you’re sniffing, but his cologne. Thanks to our friends at Burger King, your man can now smell like his favorite fast-food sandwich with help from their newly released scent, Flame. It’s described by the BK cologne website Fire Meets Desire as “the scent of seduction with a hint of flame-broiled meat.” Because nothing says “I wanna treat you like a princess” like smelling like a $2.39 pile of grease. Flame will be sold on the Fire Meets Desire website as well as at New York City-based retailer, Ricky’s, for a mere $4 a spray-bottle.

I’m not quite sure why the Burger King himself (who, by the way, looks like the result of an illegitimate mating between Holy Roman Emperor Charlemagne and Flava Flav) appears on the website reclining nude in front of a fire with just a fur blanket. Seeing that made me feel as though I’d just rubbed my eyes with horseradish. And is it just me, or have there been a lot of unorthodox colognes being released on the market lately? Next up: Valentino’s Eau du Public Transportation.

That being said, if the sweet aroma of the Whopper does send tingles down your spine, this is just the gift for you. After all, it’s not that strange to want to combine food and sex. Burger King just may be onto something with this food-scented body spray. As my friend said, if nothing else, it gives a new meaning to the term “special sauce.”

Mmmm. I hope it’s on the dollar menu!

How does a six-pack of burgers differ from six individual burgers? Glad you asked.

The rolls of the six burgers will be stuck together, so to grab a burger, you’ll have to tear one off. Just like when you grab a piece of pizza. And just like you can order a pizza half cheese/half pepperoni (or whatever your tastes enjoy), one pair of these burgers will be topped with ketchup, another with cheese, and another with bacon and cheese.

Unfortunately, these burgers are only launching in the UK, Germany, and Spain. Let’s hope and pray that they do well over there so that they come here soon. Until then, I guess we’re just going to be stuck ordering pizza when we’re craving a shared meal. Or drinking a six-pack of beer. That could work too.

Back in my freshman days of college, me and my best friend would get a bottle of cheap wine, lock ourselves in her dorm room, play endless snippets of Dane’s authentic stuff and giggle obnoxiously until we went out to the parties, quoting the entire thing.

The Burger King bit was our personal fave. That was good stuff!

But then, every college student and their mother caught on to Dane, he sold out, started making crap movies with crap “actresses”, and, suddenly, his comedy isn’t so funny anymore. Pretty ironic that a guy who once made college students laugh so hard is now being laughed at by college students.

It gets worse. MUCH WORSE. Dane is now trying his Superfingered-hand at bad emo music. Yep. He just released a sh*t-tastic song that everyone is pointing and laughing at him over, called “Forward” and you can listen to it here.

Check out the sick guitar solo, amazing backup vocals and thought-provoking lyrics, such as:

“Pushing from within, everything’s not fine. Tonight I’m gonna take back what’s mine.”

How about taking back your dignity, Dane. How about taking back your dignity.

Maybe it’s how you were raised or maybe you are just cheap. But if you are going to walk into any place that is offering you a service of some sort, be prepared to spend a few more bucks on the person waiting on you. If you are going out to a “splurge” restaurant- be prepared that the tip is going to be an extra chunk added on to the bill. Want the $30 dollar steak but don’t feel like tipping on it? Then please, that’s what Burger King and Denny’s are for.

In lieu of cheap tippers that I as well as other friends of mine in the service industry have come across–here are some of the guidelines when it comes to tipping. Click here For a full list of tipping etiquette for every service imaginable (and I mean everything).

Restaurants/Bars

Servers: 15-20% or more if the service is fabulous. Many people don’t realize that servers don’t make minimum wage. They make there salary in tips. If you are with a large group or are being extra picky then you should tip on the higher end of the spectrum since your server is accommodating your every whim.

Side note: if you had a bad dining experience, remember it’s not always the server’s fault. Always ask to speak to the manager rather than skipping out on the tip.

Bartenders: 10-15% depending on how difficult the drink is to make. Example: Corona-Not as time consuming as a Long Island Ice Tea which has many different kinds of liquor (thank god for that) and will take the bartender much longer to make.

Takeout: A couple of bucks on the order is fine, unless the person packaging up your food goes above and beyond- then give a bit more.

Late night munchies/Delivery Guy: These are the guys we love. The angels who bring us the grub when everything else is closed. If you are coherent enough to actually place the order, then being too drunk to remember to tip is NOT an excuse. 15% is customary but never less than $2.

Hair Salons

Hair Stylist/Colorist: 10-20%. $3-5 extra for last-minute service.

Shampoo or other assistant: $2-5 for each person. Hand the tip directly to the person providing the service.

Manicure or Facial: 15%

Airport

Porter or skycap: $2 per bag or more if the bags are heavy. If you arrive late and he helps you get to your flight on time (or in my case waves the overweight baggage fee) tip an extra $5-20.

Hotels

Doorman: – If he hails you a cab, $1-2

Bellman: If he schleps your bags, then tip $1-2 per bag. Give him the tip when he shows you your room. If he just carries the bags to the front desk and then disappears, save it for the person who carries the bags to your room. Upon checkout, tip whomever helps with your bags

Concierge: $5-10 for help with hard-to-get dinner reservations or theater tickets. Tipping is optional for just plain advice.

Maid Service: I don’t know why but for some reason, many of my friends don’t think this is necessary. Uh hello, they are cleaning up all your crap! (and lord knows you left the contents of your 75lb bag all over the room). $1-5 per day typically, up to $10 per day depending upon how much mess you make. Tip daily because there might be a different maid each day. Leave the tip on your pillow. Err… on the side of being generous, and tip on the last day also

So there you have it. Next time you are getting your hair did for formal or are out to dinner with your gals sucking down diet cokes, you are now fully aware on how to tip properly. Now go ahead, make me proud!