Rumor has it that Lindsay Lohan is saying TTYL to Jesus and Shalom to the Jewish faith.

Yes, like many non-Jewish women who fall head over heels for the Jews (and who can blame them?), Lilo is (allegedly) converting for her gal-pal, Samantha Ronson.

Being a card carrying Member of the Tribe, I feel it is my duty to whip up a (Kosher) Jell-O mold/some bagels and lox and welcome Linds to the Jew-berhood.

We are so excited to have yet another celeb on the verge of a mental breakdown to call our own!

Before I hand over the bagels, though, I need to make sure Lohan is in it for the long run. We Jews take our religion seriously and, like the bouncers at the Waverly Inn, don’t let just anyone in. Is she ready to use guilt to get everything she wants in life? Does she fully understand just how much time we are forced to spend in synagogue? Does she know that being Jewish is about more than searching for a good deal at Marshalls?

And, most importantly, is Lindsay truly devoted to our people, or is it all about the allure of Yom Kippur, a holiday where we atone (and are completely forgiven) for the sins we have committed in the past year? Lord knows Lohan has a lot of atoning to do, starting with that line of leggings she created.

Oy. As if having Speidi at church wasn’t bad enough, now we have to worry about having Lohan at Temple. God help us all.

Christian Bale was merely defending his wife? Awwwww!

Wanna work in politics? Just have an affair!

Sick of Facebook yet? Yeah, me either. But it just got even better.

Viagra may work for women?

Apparently, some dudes agreed that women in skinny jeans could not be raped because removing them would require consent? Yeah…took awhile, but that’s been reversed.

The Jo-Bros are probably pissing off a lot of Dallas homeowners right now….

Porta-Potty art! (Doesn’t make the smell go away, though.)

Earth-friendly junk mail? Hot granny panties? Declining gas prices? Impossible!

An old favorite to get you through the day. Weeeeeeeeeee!

Breasts. Boobs. Tits. Ta Tas. Chi Chis. Fun-bags. Melons. Along with a few hundred different epithets, they come in a variety of colors, shapes, and sizes. And thanks to the wonders of plastic surgery, there’s even more variety to be had in the size department. Just ask Sheyla Hershey, the woman who was recently denied her 9th boob job. Hershey’s dreams to move up from a FFF-cup to a GG were dashed because apparently, America, the country that has no concept of “moderation” has established a legal limit for silicone.

When I was in 8th grade, I went from flat-as-a-board to a large C in a matter of months; when I discovered binge drinking in college, my Freshman Fifteen accumulated in my breasts, and I was busting out of 36 DD bras, but refused to buy anything bigger because I felt like a freak. Over the past year, a strict cardio regimen has reduced my girls to a 34 DD, but I still long for the old days: a perky pair no bigger than a handful. That being said, why Miss Hershey would intentionally strive for the “World’s Biggest Breasts” is beyond me. Read More »

(Get it!? Fish Issue? A Fish-ue? HA!)

I have a love/hate relationship with David Beckham.

I love him because: he’s f-ing hot, he plays soccer, his abs are ridonkulus.

I hate him because: I can’t have him, he’s almost too perfect.

Not anymore! Becks has a flaw (besides the fact that he’s taken): fishy breath.

Is it weird that I love him more for it? I mean, let’s be honest – would you toss this guy out of your bed because of a slight breath issue?

Happy Saturday, ladies.

While I sit on my couch watching TV, checking my ex’s status on Facebook (being a douchebag, as usual) and trying to convince my mother that I am not hungover (what can I say; I’m a multitasker), I just got some rather frightning news. Like Paris Hilton wants a child news. Or Kevin Federline was named father of the year news.

It appears that LiLo has a secret (well, not anymore) half sister!

Kristi Kaufmann, a former fling of Michael “I’m a Preacher” Lohan, is claiming that he is the father of her 13 year old daughter, Ashley. According to Kaufmann, she and Michael had a little tryst during (and after!) a short separation from Dina back in the day. Scandalous!

Michael has confirmed the validity of this claim, which – I imagine – can mean only one thing for this attention whoring family: another Lohan reality show!

I am just waiting to see:

A) How Mama Lohan responds to this

B) The I-Have-A-Sister-That-I-Didn’t-Know-About Bender Lindsay goes on

C) The hot mess this little 13 year old girl is going to become just being associated with the Lohan crew.

Anyone who has ever been to New York City has most likely encountered Times Square’s Naked Cowboy. I never really understood the appeal of A) Times Square and its massive carbon footprint, or B) the appeal of a guitar-strumming man in his tightie whities (unless, of course, that man is John Mayer..mmmmm), but for some reason this dude is totally famous.

In Times Square, at least.

Well, now he’s taking his show on the road: to the New York City court system. As if being a naked cowboy wasn’t obnoxious enough, this dude is now suing the makers of M&M’s for stealing his “bit” in their latest ads in NYC.

His “bit” being taking off his clothes and playing the guitar for small children? Um…how is that not the issue here?!

But, poor guy has to hold onto something. I mean, this is all he has. Especially since his self confidence was totally shot when some 7th grade girls saw his…talent… and laughed in his face.

[Photo courtesy of AOL]

Seeing an ex sucks, but when you’re looking hot and life is going well a hot body can be the best revenge. Every girl knows that.

Which is exactly why Jennifer Aniston’s tabloid pictures were causing such a buzz after her Hawaiian vacay. She looked hot in her teensy weensy bikini and for once SHE was all anyone could discuss instead of Brad, Angie and their expanding brood of babies.

Of course, Jen had nothing to say about her hot body pics, but a friend told OK! Magazine,

“She didn’t realize the impact it had until she was back in Los Angeles after the trip. Everywhere she went, everyone she spoke to (told her) what an absolute knockout she is and what great shape she’s in. For a 38-year-old woman who has just come out of a relationship and hasn’t been in front of the cameras in two years — it had her walking on air.” Read More »

Who says you need a little excitement in your love life to get your heart rate going? Chocolate can do just that, if not better. Hallelujah.

I know we have all gone through ‘slumps’ or ‘droughts’ shall we say, when all we crave is a little passion and lip-locking. If only I had known about these recent findings during those times, maybe my life would have been a little easier. Researchers have now found that eating chocolate creates a longer and more intense ‘buzz’ than kissing, and doubled the heart rates of volunteers in the study.

“There is no doubt that chocolate beats kissing hands down when it comes to providing a long-lasting body and brain buzz…A buzz that, in many cases, lasted four times as long as the most passionate kiss,” said one doctor from the study.

I mean, I always thought chocolate made me feel better, but I always figured it was purely mental and just an old female myth. Now, it has actually been proven that it gives you a greater buzz than passionate kissing. Oh, the wonders of science.

But, there is a trick to acquiring the best buzz possible, and it has to do with the chocolate melting on your tongue. Listen closely…

Read More »