I am horrible when it comes to eating, and my metabolism is probably waiting until I’m thirty to get its revenge in the form of cellulite and love handles. I skip meals all the time, and have been known to go days without food.

No, I don’t have an eating disorder. I have a working disorder—I’m a total workaholic.

When I do eat, it needs to be healthy and somewhat portable. I’ve considered trying Atkins or Southbeach protein bars, Power Bars, or even Slim Fast Shakes as a snack I can pound in the car on my way to work. But, honestly, I can’t justify consuming 400 calories in the form of a little bitty rice bar that is not going to quiet my growling stomach, or 13 grams of fat in a similarly unsatisfying wannabe-milkshake concoction.

Instead, I live off of caffeine.

One morning, before work, I stopped at my favorite coffee shop to grab a skim milk, sugar-free vanilla latte, and saw a display of Vegan Energy Bars at the counter. I’m not vegan, but was hungry and I thought that those little heart-shaped bars might be crazy enough to work! I mean, the vegans are picky about what they put into their bodies and without meat or dairy, they still need nutrients, right?

I purchased a package of chocolate chip flavored (if it has chocolate it can’t be that bad), heart-shaped, soy-filled cakes of pure delight that day, and I’ve been hooked ever since. Read More »

Days as a Freshman: 140

Mood: Confused

I rolled a pencil back and forth on the smooth plastic-wooden café table. The coffee sitting next to me was still too hot to drink, and I needed to do something with my hands and attention. Even people watching was out of the question; with half the college still tucked away at home or on some exotic island vacation, campus was a dreary ghost town at night. Sometimes I felt like the only one.

But of course I wasn’t. Since I was meeting someone else here.

I looked up at the clock again, squinting my eyes to make out the tiny ticking hand that counted off seconds. Justin was five minutes late. I told myself it was nothing. People are late to things all the time. I was late to things all the time. There was no reason to panic, no reason to think he had decided against coming. No reason to worry.

He had invited me here, after all. He had been the one to mention meeting in the café on Sunday night to “catch-up”. It had been a quick phone call, but he had done most of the talking, and all of the suggesting. Read More »

Days as a Freshman: 111

Mood: Cold and happy

“I didn’t know you knew Sammy.”

Justin and I walked away from the dorms, down a side path on the outskirts of campus, our breath grey against the dark shadows of the woods.

“I didn’t know you knew her.” The cold night air was scratching at my hands. I stuffed them into my pockets and gripped the fabric, flexing the ice out of my fingers. “You could have told me.”

“It never came up.” Justin pulled his sweatshirt hood over his head, jumping onto a small wooden bridge that led into the woods. “Wanna go down here for a bit? It might snow.”

“You sure nothing wild will eat me?” I joined him on the bridge. “I have finals tomorrow.”

“There’s nothing wild in these woods, kid. Believe me.”

Justin disappeared into the tall pines and I followed close behind, wishing I at least had a hat, and wondering just when I was going to go over my notes for the big English final on Monday.

Justin had knocked on Sammy’s door just to say hi, stopping dead in the doorway when he saw Rebecca and I. His eyes slid around the room, bouncing off our faces, his mouth trying to decide what exactly should come out first. Feeling the air pulling tight around everyone, I decided to do something I don’t normally do and spoke up. Read More »

Days as a Freshman: 100

Mood: Total crap

“Here. I got the last piece.” Justin set a giant piece of chocolate cake in front of me and walked over to his own seat. “We’ll share. How ‘bout that?”

“This is huge!” I poked a fork into the inches of frosting.

“Please don’t tell me you’re one of those girls.” Justin sat down and leaned across our small corner café table, scooping up a piece with his own fork. “You don’t look like one of those girls who doesn’t eat stuff because she’s all caught up with being fat or whatever.” He shoved the piece into his mouth, “how can you not enjoy something like this?”

Poking the cake again, I stopped myself from admitting that sometimes I was very close to being one of those girls. I wasn’t fat, but I wasn’t thin either, and consuming a giant piece of chocolate cake at 11:30pm on a Monday was not how I usually did things.

But it also wasn’t usual for me to be caught up in a school-wide scandal, or sit inches away from a tall, attractive guy who liked to smile at me. Read More »

Days as a Freshman: 98

Mood: Feeling weird

“So, how was your Thanksgiving?” Justin ran his finger over the dark, thick spines of books that looked as though they had been down in the stacks for centuries, the archaic gold writing worn away with age, the leather worn and tearing in places. We were in a far corner reserved for old English texts, big, dense volumes our grandparents were probably bored by in the early 1900’s.

“It was fine. A little weird…” I leaned against the opposite shelf, dropping my backpack by my feet. “Some kid came over accidentally. I mean… I accidentally invited someone over for dessert who I didn’t know that well…”

“Who?” Checking a small piece of paper gripped in his fingers, Justin locked onto a particularly giant volume and pulled it out, leafing through the thin pages. “And how do you accidentally invite someone over?” Read More »

Days as a Freshman: 76

Mood: Amused

Daniel B sat down at the table across from me, setting a giant coffee cup in front of him and dropping some heavy books on the table.

“So, what page are those problems on that you wanted to take a look at?”

Just like Daniel, wasting no time getting down to business. Idle chatter made him uncomfortable. He could talk for hours about numbers and equations, but ask him about the weather or his favorite food and he’d tense up; his hands turning into fists and his adam’s apple sliding up and down in a constant rhythm.

I wondered if he had friends who he could relax with. I wondered if he had any friends at all.

“The ones on 154 and 159. I’ve been trying to do them on my own, but I don’t know if I’m getting the right answer.” Pushing my tea of the way, I set my own book on the small café table. I liked coming to the cafe at night. Even though it was inside the student center, it was mostly quiet after nine, and ever since that uncomfortable incident with Sasha and his “buddies”, I hadn’t seen a single person I recognized at any of the tables.

“These?” Daniel B. ran his finger down the page, pushing his glasses up with his other hand. “These are easy. You shouldn’t be having a problem.”

Another thing about Daniel B., he rarely filtered his thoughts from his mouth. Whatever he thought, he said. Even if it could be construed as insulting. Read More »

Days as a Freshman: 64

Mood: pissed off

“Campbell!”

As the soccer boys stomped over to us, I felt myself pushing against my hard, black chair, wishing I could use it as camouflage. Everything about them was loud; the way the walked, shoving wayward chairs and tables out of their way, the heaviness of their boots on the linoleum, the shouts they threw back and forth at each other, even their energy made too much noise, the small atrium cafe seeming suddenly much too tight and airless.

“You missed the meeting, man!” Pulling a chair over to our table and sitting on it backwards, the loudest and biggest of the soccer boys pushed Sasha’s shoulder playfully, but hard enough to almost throw him off his chair. “It was a shit show. A total shit show.”

The two other soccer boys, dressed in almost identical blue sweatpants, white shirts, and blue baseball caps, stood on either side of Sasha. Their eyes slid over to me. I looked down, staring at the bobbing teabag in my cup.

“Coach was there. He told the student life people to calm down. But not before they put the whole f*cking house on probation.” Still ignoring me, the head soccer guy pulled his own baseball cap over his face. “No parties for a while, man. At least none that they hear about.”

“So they didn’t…did they ever find out if anything really happened?” Read More »