"She hung up without saying 'I love you.' Waaaah"

Remember those nights when you spent 5+ hours talking on the phone with your girlfriends about what your man friend was trying to tell you when he texted you, “Good Night” with a winky face? Well ladies, you’re not alone. A recent study has shown that men actually over-analyze and get more emotional about relationships than women do!

Yup, when we’re not looking or listening (usually because The Bachelorette is on…), our beaus are secretly going to their dude friends and discussing the ups and downs in their love lives.

I guess we’ve been wrong all along about the idea that men never talk about their feelings with their broskeez and how they don’t care about their relationships with their significant others. In actuality, it might be all they talk about when they’re alone! All those times they told us they were goin’ to “chill with the dudes,” our boyfriends were probably spooning, crying and spilling the beans about their feelings over a cup of tea and a biscotti.

We’ve been so wrong for so long. I imagine this is how things are really going down during bro time.

What They Told Us: “Grabbing some drinks at the bar to watch the game.”
What’s Really Going On: “She didn’t say I love you back, dude.” <Chugs beer.>

What They Told Us: “Gonna grab some pizza and watch the game at Steve’s.”
What’s Really Going On: “WTF does ‘Fine. Get pizza with your boys” mean? Should I go to her place? Should I call her? What if she’s mad at me?”

What They Told Us: “Going to play some basketball.”
What’s Really Going On: “Going to play some basketball to work out the frustration from those cryptic, one-word answers you’re always giving me.”

What They Told Us: “I’m going to see Avatar with Seth again”
What’s Really Going On: He’s really catching a movie with Seth….and Dylan and Thomas and Blake. They all gathered to help your man in his emergency crisis of what to get you for your 1 year anniversary. “It’s gotta be special.”

What They Told Us: “It’s Monday Night Football!”
What’s Really Going On: Okay, sure. Monday Night Football. But they’re also overanalyzing how you’re going to grab coffee with that old male friend of yours back from high school.

God, boys are such babies. If only they were more emotionally stable like us ladies. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go spend the next 3 hours reminding my friend that she deserves way better than that jerk who dumped her.

Two or three months went by and I was in a relationship that abruptly ended. Since nothing had progressed with Fred I felt like he was just a platonic friend and vented to him. He was amazingly supportive and said everything I wanted to hear (i.e. he was a real jerk, I don’t know what you ever saw in him, you deserve better, yadda yadda…). Well this kind of opened my eyes to Fred more and I developed a bit of a crush on him again.

He started coming over to my apartment to watch our favorite tv show. The first time we did this, we made out, things started getting intense and I ended it. He came over again and we made out again, but my roommate was here, so nothing else happened. When he left, we kissed and he promised he’d call and come pick me up the next day.

His plans changed, so we didn’t get together (but he had a good excuse, if that matters), then the next day I sent him a text and he responded, but not as quickly as he normally did. Now comes today, I didn’t text him to see if he would text me and he hasn’t. Am I being paranoid or is he trying to shoo me off?

A: Ah, the text message cat-and-mouse game. I know it well and it’s frustrating as hell to try to decode what’s really going on. There’s no emotional torture that quite compares to that of the silent cell phone.

So do I think he’s trying to shoo you off because he didn’t answer your text as quickly as he usually does, and then didn’t text you the next day? Not necessarily, no. But that doesn’t necessarily mean you’re paranoid. I’m a strong believer in gut feelings and intuition, and I’ve often had a nagging feeling that a guy I was into was trying to blow me off, however subtly or nicely. I’ve usually proceeded to completely ignore those feelings, only to have them confirmed weeks later by said guy. So, generally speaking, I think that if you have a nagging feeling that something is off, then it’s not for nothing. But you need to be honest with yourself–is it really a gut feeling, or do you just have a tendency to take a pessimistic approach at the first sign, real or imagined, of a change in your relationship and habits with a guy?

That said, a late text followed by no text the next day could very well mean nothing. I remember getting upset that I was always the one calling my (now ex-)boyfriend in the evenings. It made me feel insecure, and when I brought it up to him and asked why he doesn’t call me, his response was “well, because I know that you’ll call me.” So if you generally are the one to initiate a text chat with your dude, then he could very well be completely unaware that his not texting you is sending you a message. Or he might have felt blown off when you put a stop to the hooking up. Or he might be wary of getting involved since he has a kid. It could a dozen different things.

The best way to get to the bottom of it, of course, is to ask. “Hey, so I’ve noticed we’ve recently been making out, what’s up with that?” Give him a chance to tell you how he feels about you before deciding for him. Good luck!

Got a question for Pillow Talk? Email pillow.talk.cc@gmail.com and we’ll tackle it next time!

[Photo courtesy of Dear Sugar]

You date, you learn. And you’d think that the people you date will just vanish of the face off the earth, because it’s only polite, right? You dealt with the waves of nausea and anxiety during the end-phase, and so they should bother you no longer.

“Should” being the key word.

I’m a fan of amicably parting ways, sure, but when you pointedly don’t is the guaranteed time that son of a bitch will come back to haunt you. So as a preventative measure you weed them out. You try to be proactive and delete them from your phone—number, email, all of it, and even those text messages and voicemails you like to listen to.

Have faith, you’ll find a new distraction, let down your guard because this one’s different, and the cycle can repeat itself all over again. Joy. In any case, you make moves and move on, and the ex, or pseudo-ex, or whatever you called him is but a distant memory.

If you haven’t guessed by now, the weeding out can bite you in the ass. Please, dear readers, learn from my mistakes.

These days, I’ve been plenty distracted, and out of nowhere I get a call. The number wasn’t familiar, but come on; we all know those randoms who get your number at the bar and don’t call it for three-to-six months after the fact. I was feeling adventurous. I answered.

In retrospect, and even at the time, this was not a good idea. Don’t do this. The voice sounded vaguely familiar, a guy’s, but I couldn’t exactly place it. And here follows the dialogue:

Mystery Caller: So you’re number’s in my phone but I don’t know who this is. Did we maybe have a fun night together or something?

—At this point, you should regret answering and hang up. Me? Well, curiosity killed the cat, not the K, right?—

K: You’re not in my phone at all so I really couldn’t tell you. What’s your name?

—Continuing is worse than answering. But he sounded kind of attractive.—

Mystery Caller: [joking around, avoiding the question] I’m just trying to figure out how I know you. What’s your name again?

—First of all, homes, YOU called ME. This guy must’ve known SOMETHING. But I know this voice, and my chattiness and boredom win the inner debate. I do not hang up. Should this happen to you, Hang. Up.—

K: I’m K. Who are you?

Mystery Caller: K, this is [insert The Comedian, aka the crier’s, actual name here]. Does that ring a bell?

—Of course it does. I thought I’d never hook up again after that disaster. Why are you calling me like a year after the fact…?—

K: Oh…. Yeah.

Comedian: So did we have a fun night together or what?

—Do not be nice. But if you’re like me, and dumb enough to continue, you probably will be.—

K: I mean, that might’ve happened.

— And then you cried and it got too awkward to even talk. Where the eff are you going with this?—

Comedian: K, why don’t you tell all the people about that night—

CLICK. I snapped my phone shut and threw it as though it were burning my hand. “Tell the people”? That douchebag had his cell phone up to a microphone while he was PERFORMING A STAND-UP GIG.

I was used in a COMEDY BIT. A YEAR LATER! AND HE WAS THE ONE WHO CRIED!

And seriously? What kind of comedian makes calls as part of his routine? Oh, a BAD one. Who CRIES IN BED.

Rage is really not a strong enough word for this situation. Twenty minutes later I got a text saying he realized who I was and apologized, saying he’d explain but I’d probably think he was a bigger a**hole than I already did.

I’m not entirely sure that’s possible.

And a week later? To add insult to injury, I walked past him and his new girlfriend as I was leaving work. In a city of 8 million, this guy is one of the passers by. The guys from the past pop back up, when you least expect it and least need it. So how do you handle the ex encounter? Keep silent and keep moving, or by getting the last laugh?

[Photo courtesy of petermerry.com]

Currently, “Elisa” is interning for a big, flashy 5th Avenue designer. Sounds awesome, right? Well, read the second installment HERE, and then read on…]

I am now the Google master.

This past week I’ve literally spent 6 of the 8 hours I’m here “researching” for things that do not exist whatsoever. I understand that she’s trying out the whole green idea, but lady, let’s be reasonable here. Recycled clear vinyl bags? Uh… hello? CLEAR VINYL. I have no idea what kind of company makes shopping bags that are clear, and vinyl, and recycled.

I must have gone through hundreds of “eco-friendly” tote bag sites that have all been rejected because they are not clear. LET’S COMPROMISE HERE… FOR THE EARTH! Aside from researching for these vinyl bags, I also researched sample cups (which also had to be clear), and eco-friendly ice cream cups.

Yeah… eco- friendly my ass.

She needs to give that dream up.

If my time isn’t being spent researching, it’s definitely spent calling this list of, oh I don’t know, 600 people?! It had magazine editors and reporters from all over the place and I had the amazing task of calling each and every one of them… to ask about useless information.

Not only that, I had to keep watching my back to make sure the accountant lady didn’t want to kill me for being so “loud”. Some people… I swear. If it wasn’t for Facebook, I would literally die in this place. At least they don’t notice me stealing candy from the back…

And I’ve finally figured out why New York people can stay so thin…

Food is way too expensive to eat every day.

Big highlight of the week?

The items have now gone on super sale, and I may be able to afford them.

Oh… and celebrity sighting number 2: Lisa Marie Presley!! Let me tell ya… from the way she looked, she made me do a double take.

A few months ago, I went on two dates with a perfectly nice guy. There was nothing wrong with him. In fact, on paper, he was very much my type. But the sparks weren’t there and I just wasn’t very excited by him. So, when he called for a third date, I didn’t answer. He called again and I didn’t answer again. I picked up the phone several times to call him back, but then I just didn’t.

I went to my friends for help and they offered a variety of different opinions. Some of my friends said I should just call him and say my schedule suddenly got busy and I didn’t know when I would be free. Some said to call and be honest telling him I just wasn’t feeling it. And some claimed it was OK for me not to return his calls. “He’ll get the point,” they said. “And nobody has to be made uncomfortable.” Not one to make people uncomfortable, I took their advice and continued not calling him.

After attempting one more phone call to me, he got the point and didn’t call again. My life went on. Sometimes when I think about it, I feel like a bad person, but I try to remind myself that I saved us both a great deal of discomfort.

So what that I live in constant fear I could run into him at any point? I took the easy way out and it’s better for now. I’ll worry about seeing him when I see him.

Now excuse me while I hide behind this lamppost.

Even though this report comes to us from across the pond, I can totally see those numbers making sense in America as well. Why do women wait longer to reply to texts or missed calls from their crush?

Because we don’t want to seem clingy and desperate.

Society has done a number on us when it comes to our supposed frantic need for a man in our lives. The worst kind of women, magazines and TV shows and movies explain, is the desperate woman.

The girl who’s too eager to fall in love. The chick who’s all too happy to adhere herself to her new man and never let go. The woman who cluthes her cell phone to her chest, checking it every couple of seconds to see if her guy has called, ready to fill his screen with smiley faces and exclamation points.

Therefore, we have this equation:

Replying too fast to a call or text = desperate, desperate = bad, so replying too quickly to even the friendliest of texts?

You got it. Bad.

I’m not sure if guys feel this kind of weird pressure, but for my entire dating life (when I wasn’t with someone long-term) I’ve always struggled with myself when it came to texting or calling someone back.

Part me of says waiting an extended amount of time to reply is artificial and lame, and if I really like someone, I should let them know by replying whenever I feel like it. Another part of me is still nervous about being perceived as desperate and weak, and can’t shake the feeling that a quick response will cause my crush to think I’m an idiot.

So what do I usually end up doing?

Waiting that extra 19 minutes. Just to be safe.

What about you? Are you a text-back-whenever-I-feel-like-it Girl? Are you a Waiter? Does the whole idea of turning communication into a game turn you off?

Let us know!

Do you wait to send a text to someone you’re interested in?

But I hate it. Especially when it’s combined with dating.

Way back in the day, it was common practice for people to speak on the phone after a first date—or not. Either a duo chatted a few days later or someone decided to just “forget” to call, making it pretty obvious what the future held. A call meant “I like you, let’s go out again” no call meant “eh. You lost me at hello.”

But now, with the increased popularity of texting, people can walk the line and make everything 100 times more confusing. Sort of like the person but not sure if you really feel like going out again? Send a random, friendly text message. Cover your ass in case you bump into them on the street.

“You’re pretty cool and we should talk soon.”

That’s the gist of a text I received a few days ago after going out on a first date last weekend. But no phone call followed the text. Not even an email. Just some random, noncommittal, rated G words typed into a phone in the middle of the day.

I mean, come on.

Using my powers of deduction, I’m going to assume something as benign “you’re cool, let’s talk someday in non-specific future” sort of means the person on the other end isn’t interested for whatever reason (which he certainly could have told me before we spent a good part of an hour making out), but adding a vague, friendly spin to a rejection doesn’t stop it from being a rejection.

I’m not a fan of using email during the dating process, but even that would have been better than a text message. Saying “thanks but no thanks” in a nice email is easy, and gets the point across much clearer than a sentence that could have been sent to either a lover or really friendly chiropractor.

When it comes to interpersonal relations, blurriness never works. Fuzzy intentions just waste time. Texting, with its simple sentences and lack of any discernable emotion, is all about those two things, championing a new type of annoyingly vague miscommunication.

Watching out for people’s feelings is good, being unclear because you just don’t feel like putting the effort into being direct is not good.

Seriously people. Just call me.