Sad story of my life: I never went to camp as a child. It felt like all my friends did – they would leave for four to six weeks during the summer and come back with ridiculous stories about cabins and counselors and all the fun they had. And I had been at home watching Bug Juice and Totally Circus (which also made me want to join the circus) on the Disney Channel.

Right before I started my freshman year of college, an older friend said something very interesting to me. He said: “Living in dorms is basically like an extended version of summer camp. But with more drinking and less laundry.” I explained to him that this metaphor was lost to me since I’d never actually been to summer camp. After he briefly mourned the fact that I had missed out on an epic childhood experience, he said, “Well, summer camp is basically being dirty all the time and vaguely annoyed by everyone around you, but you’re too busy to notice because you’re simultaneously having fun and trying to keep your head above water.”

Too true, sir.

After three years of living in dorms, I can tell you this: college is exactly like (how I imagine) summer camp. And so, I have some advice for all the college kids out there who never went to camp.

You will never feel clean. From fishbowl showers that never work right to sub par laundry facilities (and your inexperience with buying laundry supplies), you will legitimately never feel 100% clean. Just like camp? Camp showers might actually be better than most dorm showers.

Everything is completely overwhelming. Between classes, new friends, dorm rules, parties, learning Greek life and all the other groups of campus, sorting all of your belongings to fit in a minuscule space and adjusting to a new routine, it’s easy to feel like you’re trying to decide between horseback riding, water-skiing, volleyball, archery, rock climbing… You’ll wish that an awesome camp counselor had outlined your days for you. [Editor's Note: Oh wait, so that's why they make us sit with those guidance people before each semester? Oopsie! Guess those schedules weren't just a suggestion...]

At first, you will love every single person you meet. Every new person is a potential new friend. Especially if you are going to school a long way from home, you will be super excited to meet anyone who is nice to you. This will happen before you realize that your next-door neighbor is a complete creep and that girl down the hall? She will sing obnoxiously in the shower every morning at 5am.

School cafeterias = camp mess halls. My freshman year, my entire class went to an orientation in a sleep away camp set in the Idaho mountains. It was my first experience eating camp food and let me tell you, it was nothing to write home about. However, the minute I got back to campus and ate at the cafeteria, I realized something: it’s all food you can cook over a fire and burn to taste “better.”

Your RAs, professors, and advisers are like counselors. Your RA will talk you down when you want to strangle your roommate. Your professor will cross their arms and refuse to give you an extension on that paper you forgot to write during the weekend of Toga. And your adviser will gently pat you on the back when you try to talk yourself into taking your first 400-level class. Regardless of how silly they might think you are, they will all still love you.

Even if you never got to go to camp, college life will show you exactly what you missed out on: constant over-stimulation, massive amounts of people your age converging on a small tract of land, ridiculously bad showers and facilities, uncomfortable mattresses, adults you look up to while also hating a little bit…

College is like summer camp for kids over 18. Except with more drinking, slightly less supervision and much better electronics.

"Just smile through the pain. Smile. Through. The. Pain."

I’m not sure if I’ll be able to make it here another two weeks. I may kill myself. Or someone else.

I say this because yesterday I was forced to do a mini-triathalon. I’m not sure if I’ve ever endured greater agony than what I just experienced. Alright, that’s sort of an overstatement, but it really was incredibly effing hard. I could use a nap right about now. Until next Tuesday.

Since my last post (and weigh-in) I’ve lost at least 7 pounds. A couple nights ago I looked at a picture taken of me the night before I came here and one taken the other day and I saw really exciting results. I’ve definitely halved myself (at least in the stomach area).

Other discoveries since this last weigh-in:

Chocolate. There is a stock-pile of mini chocolates in camp and I’ve been exposed to it. The good news is that when I do get my hands on some cocoa deliciousness I share it with my bunkmates, since many of us tend to go into homicidal rampages when we don’t get something sweet or chocolatey. And because of all the other good choices I’ve been making, I’ve still lost weight. Go me!

I Hate Hiking. Yesterday I experienced my first hike here, and let me tell you, a bunch of fat chicks trying to climb up a mountain is pretty terrible. And funny. I did make it up that mountain, though, without even whining. It was a miracle! But I still hated it.

I’m Tired and Angsty. I find it increasingly hard to write these posts due to extreme exhaustion. The main cause is workout classes taught by former female bodybuilders. No, I am not kidding. Despite our fatness, they don’t cut us any slack. One would think that because we are out of shape they’d go easy on us, but no – not at all. These things make me so tired that I can’t even produce sufficient sarcasm and humor in these posts anymore. And sarcasm and humor are what I do – unlike the bitterness and constant complaining I find myself engaging in here.

But it will all be worth it in the end. I’m learning new things and changing my life, right? RIGHT?

All my life, I’ve been heavy. When I was younger I was ridiculed and bullied constantly about my weight problem, so I was always fairly depressed. Sure, I ate a lot (…of pastries), but my eating never warranted the amount of weight I would actually gain. It was strange – I went to camp one summer and came back 30 pounds heavier even though I barely ate the slop I was served the two months I was away.

At my heaviest (which was in eighth grade), I weighed 230 pounds. I had been to a fat farm (fat camp, weight loss summer program, what have you) for two weeks before entering my last year of middle school but I had gained everything I lost back. My parents and I realized it was time for more drastic action, and with that I was enrolled at Camp Pocono Trails for eight weeks.

The entire experience was beyond difficult. I hate physical activity (hence my choice of college, known for less than athletic students), and here we were forced to exercise all day and eat absurdly small portions of food (although there was unlimited salad and jello, which was of no comfort to myself, who hates both). I’m not going to get started on everything that happened there or my feelings about the institution (in one word: hellhole), but it served its purpose: I lost 30 pounds that summer. Miraculously and unlike most of my fellow campers, I was able to keep off the weight after I left camp.

A year or so later, after I came back from a summer program in Spain, my mother noticed my hair was noticeably short and thought I had been cutting it while I was gone. I hadn’t been doing so at all, especially since I look like crap with short hair, and this was when we knew I had a serious problem. The fact that my hair was falling out was not normal. I started seeing a specialist in New York City who specializes in female hormonal issues and he diagnosed me with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. It’s a hormonal disorder that was causing my hair loss and less noticeable things as well, such as the darkening of skin in my armpits (a symptom of insulin resistance), the concentration of fat to my stomach, my insane weight gain and my extreme difficulty with weight loss.

When I started all my meds I began to lose tons of weight by doing absolutely nothing and continuing to eat the same crap I did before, and it was amazing! I started getting attention from guys for the first time in my life and I felt GREAT. But, like all good things, it had to come to an end. So this year I finally started gaining weight again.

Because I will be starting college in the fall I figured heading back to fat camp would be a great way to get in shape and feel better about myself. So, on Sunday I will be attending a new weight loss camp in Upstate New York that has a program specifically directed for young women ages 18-24. Because I plan to be fairly candid in my upcoming posts about my experiences there, I will not use its name. I want to share my laughter, my tears, my extreme pangs of hunger and my cravings for Popeyes (don’t hate, it’s delightful) with all of you guys.

As my departure for camp approaches, do any of you CC readers have advice for me? Words of wisdom? Weight loss secrets? Share ‘em!

You’re so busy with classes (and a rockin’ social life), you can’t seem to get ahead in the finance field.  Sure, summer might be a great time to soak up some sun for those college students who are lucky enough NOT to be struggling with student loans, car payments, credit card bills, etc.  But for a large majority of us, summer is the time to keep working our asses off… and get paid.

If you’re stressing about debt, never fear– summer is just around the corner.  And if you act now, chances are, you can secure a summer job so you’ll be ready to pay for books, bar tabs, and fall semester housing come August.  The question is, where should you look?

1.  Your former part-time high school job.

If you’re going home for the summer, the good news is, you’ll be close to the company you’ve worked at since you were 16.  Sure, it might not be the most glam way to spend the summer months, but desperate times call for desperate measures.  Maybe you were counting down the days until you could quit pre-college, but you’ve had some time off, and a few more months might not kill you.

Did you quit because you had to leave for college? Guess what- they probably had a whole rush of high school seniors do the same.  It doesn’t hurt to contact your old boss and ask if any shifts are available for the summer.  They’re inclined to say “yes” because they won’t have to pay to train you, and you can start at your old salary- or higher- without having to go through minimum-wage training.

2.  Tourist traps.

Plenty of places that are in summer vacay hot spots only hire for the summer, so you’re more apt to get hired here than a place that’s looking for a long term commitment and are put off by your May-August availability.  Beachside resorts and restaurants, cruise lines, and theme parks are all about hiring for the summer, and many of them will pay for housing because most of their employees are summer temps.  Bonus? You’ll be working with other college students on a summer hiatus- think the underground party that Baby crashes in Dirty Dancing or Lea Remini’s breakthrough role as Stacy in Saved by the Bell.

3.  Summer Camp

Obviously, they only hire for the summer, and college students have an advantage here.  Whatever your skills are, in this day and age, there’s a camp for just that.  Nutrition major? Try “fat camp” (or whatever the PC term is for that these days). Starving actor? Theater camp’s the way to go.  Sports freak? Basketball camp.  Total nerd? Try programs like math camp or youth science camp (I once participated in a program called KAST- Kids Are Scientists Too! Yes, the exclamation point was part of the title, and I learned how make ice cream in a plastic bag there – don’t ask questions).  Even if you don’t have a specialization yet, you may be able to apply as a general camp counselor, and you won’t have to worry about breaking a contract at the end of the season.

4.  Summer Stock.

For all of you liberal and fine arts majors, check it out!  Summer Stock is the best part of the year for many regional theater companies, but you don’t have to be an actor to appreciate it.  Theaters may be looking to fill their Summerstock positions with assistants in marketing, finance, production (read: carpentry), education, or management.  If you have  love for the arts, you’ll have a decent chance of getting an interview. And Summerstock participants are totally prone to partying.

5.  Paid internships.

This is a great time to do an internship, gain experience, and potentially make some cash.  It’s great for your resume, so it’s a good idea to look into companies close to where you’ll be staying this summer, as well as gigs that might be beneficial to list on your resume in the future.  You might not make as much money as you would waiting tables at Jimmy’s Crab Shack all summer, but it’s something.

6.  The internet.

Who knows what other companies are hiring?  Check out summerjobs.com, snagajob.com, coolworks.com, and, of course, craigslist.  Just see what comes up.  Your bank account, your credit report, and your parents will thank you when you can make timely payments next fall without asking for help.

But this article in the New York Times reminded me of a particularly nasty piece of work I encountered during my counseling duties that summer. She was the mother of two abnormally hyper and mischievous twin boys who I had to supervise on the bus every morning and afternoon. Frankly, the kids were easier to deal with than this woman. She makes the helicopter mothers mentioned in the article appear to be merely “concerned.”

In addition to supervising a group of kids at the camp, my older brother and I were bus counselors on the vehicle that transported campers in our area. Every morning as the bus approached her house, the crazy woman would come outside wearing her pink, flowery robe and greet us with a sickeningly sweet smile, only to go completely apesh*t on us that afternoon. She would yell at us the moment we pulled up, blaming us if she got a call that day from the camp about her devil spawns’ misbehavior.

I’m pretty sure she was bipolar, because one moment she would be calm, and the next she would be screaming like a banshee about how the camp was lying about her boys’ behavior and how we should be fired for not doing our job. She called the camp director just about every day to complain about us and the lousy job the boys’ group counselors were doing. I fought the urge to tell her that her parenting was the problem, not our performance.

One day was particularly horrible. My brother was sick, so I had to ride in the front and control these kids by myself. When we got to the twins’ house, their mother saw that my brother wasn’t on the bus and outright refused to let me help her sons into the bus. I couldn’t lay a finger on them or else she would start screeching. I decided that my arms weren’t long enough to box with her that morning, so I let her buckle them in herself and yell her head off at me for my brother’s absence, as if it was my fault. When we returned that afternoon, she alerted me that she had called the camp director and told her to fire both my brother and me (I later learned that this specific phone exchange had caused the director, usually an upbeat and friendly woman, to cry right in her office).

My brother and I held out until the Friday of the last week – known as “Palm Friday,” since the counselors generally get tips from the parents that day. The parents of every single kid on the bus tipped us except for the mother of those twins. She even had the nerve to say that she wasn’t going to tip us because we were – and I quote – “horrible excuses for camp counselors.”

Unfortunately, the woman and her twins live not too far from my street. I often pass by their house on my way home from school. But a friend of mine was unlucky enough to encounter her during the year. My friend was walking her dog around the woman’s house one day, and the moment the dog squatted on the lawn, the woman ran outside screaming, “MY KIDS PLAY ON THAT GRASS! GET YOUR DOG’S SH*T OFF MY LAWN!” My friend had a baggie with her and every intention of cleaning it up, but the woman wouldn’t calm down for a good ten minutes and even chased my friend out of the neighborhood.

I think it goes without saying that I didn’t return to the camp the next summer. When the mothers become worse than their kids, that’s when the real trouble starts. These experiences make for great stories, but eight weeks of suffering just isn’t worth it for me.

[Photo courtesy of NYTimes.com]