Uh, we're not in Acapulco anymore, dude.

By the time Spring Break draws to an end, you’re actually looking forward to going back to school, either because you’ve had about as much family time as you can handle, you’re starting to realize just how much money you’ve spent, or you just really miss your besties/$1 slices at 2am/late night episodes of Chelsea Lately on the couch.

But while you may be looking forward to seeing your friends, getting back to your favorite professor’s lecture, and maybe even that cute guy you were flirting with before the break, I guarantee you’ve forgotten about the other people you’ll be forced to deal with. The uber annoying ones who always pop up after our beloved break.

Here are the worst 5 people you’ll run into after Spring Break. Avoid them at all costs if you want to retain any of the serenity you gained during your time off:

Super Tan
Good for you, you went to Cancun for Spring Break and spent all day lying out in the sun baking yourself. We can see the un-natural, leathery color and texture your skin has taken on since before the break, thanks to the all-white wardrobe you’ve sported since coming back/that watch tan line that you are obviously waving in my face as you roll up your sleeves in class. Congrats, but I don’t care. Nor do I care to hear your totally unfunny remarks about how I’m so pale and my “legs match your brand new white sweatshirt from the awesome resort you stayed at.”

The One Who’s Not Over It
Spring Break is fun, obviously. MTV wouldn’t devote a week to covering it if it were boring and uneventful. But it happens, you enjoy yourself and then it’s over. Normal people move on, get back to school and spend their nights at the library giggling to themselves as they flip through the photos in everyone’s FB albums. And not-so-normal people, like this guy/girl, just move the Spring Break to campus, partying every night, dancing on bars, taking body shots off of creepy old people, hooking up with randoms and hitting the tanning beds by day to keep up that Cancun glow. It’s over, dude. Put down the Corona and help me with this Anthro project.

The Bragger
Their Spring Break was epic, the best ever, and way better than yours (no matter what you did). They got drunker, partied harder, tanned longer, laughed more and had more fun than you will ever know. You got a fun story to share? They’ve got one to top it. And you’ll hear it again and again and again. And each time, things will get bigger, crazier, more expensive, etc. And while that streaking story was funny the first time around (I mean, streaking is funny), it gets old after the 12th re-tell.

The Loser Who Just Lost His Virginity And Now Thinks He’s God’s Gift To Women
We all know this guy, the really awkward guy who never has any luck with girls. Well, somehow, he managed to find some girl on his Carnival Cruise who was drunk enough actually willing to sleep with him, and now he thinks he’s some sort of sex god. He somehow manages to bring every conversation back to his “crazy sex” with “the super hot Latin chick,” whether you’re talking about your Spring Break booty or the giant Philosophy exam you’ve got next Tuesday. (Note: while less common, this also applies to women as well. Little girl goes away a virgin, finds some muscley guy from ASU and suddenly knows all there is to know about sex. And for the next two weeks, every statement of hers begins with “Well, when we tried it ______ style….”)

Hair Braider
Really? People still do this?

Thankfully, everyone is fine (and probably tan).

Note to self: kebabs are not an effective form of birth control.

Pamela Anderson’s banned PETA ad.

Mazel tov, Nicole Richie!

Amish romance novels. Hot.

Celebs love fighting via Twitter.

A recent study done by Cambridge University shows that even if you delete some photos from your Facebook, they may still exist in some other dusty corner of the internet.  The explanation is that Facebook is such a large site that it divides its content into different servers and your pictures are on one of those servers.  That makes it difficult to actually find your pictures and delete them after you press the button.

Although Facebook’s official position is that pictures are removed immediately when you delete them, it’s hard not to be worried about the “time lag” between pressing that button and never seeing myself in a wet tee shirt contest, shaking it in Cancun again (yes, it happened and yes, the pictures have already been deleted…I hope).

What does this mean for the Facebook generation?

Our entire lives are recorded online, picture to picture, status message to status message.  There are some things that, at the time, seem completely hilarious and appropriate to post.  When we’re just thinking about the reactions we’ll get from our friends, that is.  When we have to start thinking about reactions from our boss and our future bosses, things get a little hairy.

Let’s try a little Facebook intelligence – think about all the possible consequences of a picture before you put it online for everyone to see (oh, everyone can see them if they’re crafty enough), because apparently deleting doesn’t necessarily mean the picture is removed (at least immediately).  We’ve known practically since we’ve started using computers that we shouldn’t put up anything on the internet that we wouldn’t want our grandmother to see.  Maybe in light of this (rather unsettling) discovery, it’s about time to start taking that advice.

Goodbye, Spring Break ‘05 pictures – Hello, Awesome Future Job!

It seems like everyone’s all atwitter about, well, Twitter these days.  Started in 2006, Twitter is a “micro-blogging” service where users post status updates (called Tweets) that are limited to 140 characters, which answer the question, “What are you doing?” You can also add friends on Twitter by “following” their feeds.

But while you may be thinking, “only status updates? Just 140 characters? Why would people care what I’m doing 400 times a day? I already have a Facebook, thanks,” don’t dismiss Twitter just yet.  As a matter of fact, its beauty is in its simplicity.

People use Twitter for everything from updating their friends about their whereabouts (“at the airport- Spring Break Cancun here I come!”) to sharing breaking news and reactions to important events.  It’s actually become quite a phenomenon among journalists and media-types. Many will post links to fresh news stories or recent articles they’ve written. It’s easy because you can update Twitter from your cell phone (via text message) or instant messanger, so you can post when you’re on the go.

You can also use Twitter to search for buzzworthy topics–just type in a key phrase (like, “Britney Spears”) in the Search bar at the top of the page and you will uncover thousands of up-to-the-second Tweets about Brit’s latest videos, whereabouts, and sightings. Hell, you can even follow Britney herself! Yes, unlike on Facebook (where etiquette advises against friending people you don’t know), it’s socially acceptable to follow the Twitter feeds of celebrities. Celebs, like journalists, are using Twitter as a means of letting their fans know about new tours and singles in a quick and efficient way. Hey, you may end up learning more intimate details about their lives than you ever would have imagined, like how Diddy enjoys tantric sex (and apparently Twitters in the midst)!

Twitter has already sparked Twestivals and Tweetups. You can Twirt with your boy toy, and if you’ve posted a Tweet that is exactly 140 characters, you’ve scored a Twoosh!  But the jury is still out deciding whether Twitter is the “next big thing” or not. ( Jon Stewart actually aired a bit this week debating the very idea.)

I was turned on to Twitter almost a year ago by my tech-savvy friend, and to date I have but a couple dozen Tweets to my name. My problem seems to be that I only have two friends who are seriously into Twitter, and since I see them frequently enough, I have no motivation to actually Tweet other than to archive my own whereabouts and feelings. I do enjoy Twitter for its Search function and I follow a couple of key celebrities and organizations, which is useful. As a writer and a young person, I feel obligated to be aware of the trend, particularly if all those cautionary tales about new media revolutionizing journalism do come true.

So now it’s your turn: if you Twitter, tell us why you do and what you like about it! (Oh, and follow us!) If you don’t, why not?

You’ve been killing yourself all semester to tackle mountains of coursework while finding time to hit the gym and develop the perfect bikini bod to show off in Cancun, the Dominican Republic, Miami Beach…or wherever Spring Break 2009 finds you. When the day finally arrives, you’re ready to leave all of your woes behind. In a tropical hotspot hundreds of miles away from your RA, your professors, and your “Good Girl” reputation, you’re ready to let loose.

But be careful, ladies, because there’s still plenty of ways that your spring break behavior can come back to haunt you.

You say: It’s not cheating if it’s in another country.

The Reality: If you’re on holiday with your best girlfriends, the liquor is flowing, and a sunkissed Adonis named Paolo pulls you onto the dancefloor, it can be easy to forget what’s-his-name back home. But still, a commitment is a commitment, and Paolo will be a distant memory by the end of the week. It’s never a good idea to lie to your partner, and you never know if he will, in fact, find out. Last year, a girl saw her personal life go viral after cheating on her boyfriend. He found out and got an acapella group to “serenade” her with the Dixie Chicks’ “Not Ready to Make Nice”…in front of 1,000 fellow students.

You say: Yes! A million miles from my parents, and in this country, I’m legal to drink!

The Reality: Sure, it’s a lot harder for your parents to keep tabs on you when you’re in a different time zone, but it’s also a lot more expensive to call them long distance if your drunk ass gets busted. Some collegiate hotspots expect masses of spring break drunkards, and are prepared to handle them accordingly. Brush up on legal conduct before you take off, and try to keep yourself aware of your surroundings. An article in USA Today, for example, has expressed that students can find themselves in jail for making an “obscene gesture,” and that students arrested on drug charges in Mexico can be held up to a year before seeing a trial. Be smart, not only for your own safety, but to prevent a listing in your school paper’s Police Blotter when you return.

You Say: What do I care? I’m never going to see these people again!

The Reality: It can be a lot easier to lower your inhibitions when you don’t have to care what others think of you. But with the rise of Youtube, Facebook albums, Collegehumor.com, and the invention of camera phones and digital cameras with video recorders, it’s hard to play it safe. Hell, Joe Francis has made a multi-billion empire off of taking advantage of drunken partygoers with his Girls Gone Wild franchise. You don’t want to come home from spring break and have people come up to you at a party a month later saying, “Do I know you?” or “Aren’t you that girl who took her top off in a Wet T-shirt contest in Puerto Vallarta and then puked all over her naked breasts?” Nooooo you do not, my friends.

You say: Whatever, I trust my friends to keep a secret

The Reality: They say that once a photo hits the web, it’s impossible to completely delete it. And the post-break Facebook albums are inevitable. But the more people that have access to your pics, the more potential for these pics to be distributed. All you have to do is right-click a photo in a Facebook album and you can save it your desktop. We’ve all heard the horror stories of people getting fired for the content of pages on social networking sites. Just like the latter warning, the internet can cause your “secrets” to spiral into the public domain. It’s one thing to get drunk and tell your friend an embarrassing story, only to retract it the next morning and say that convo never happened. It’s another to try to erase your World Wide life.

You say: I just want some no-strings-attached lovin’ to get my mind off of my GPA.

The Reality: Studies have shown that spring break correlates with an increase in sexual activity – by 74 percent! Obviously, the more sexual activity, the more chances of coming home with a spring break souvenier…in the form of herpes, genital warts, chlamydia, gonorrhea…you get the idea. Besides, sure, local heartthrob Paolo may seem exotic to you, a naive American tourist, but you’re probably not his first, and you probably won’t be his last. No matter how strongly you and your pals swear each other to secrecy, an STD (or an unwanted pregnancy, for that matter) won’t be left behind.

You say: I’m in tropical paradise! I’m totally safe!

The Reality: If the above reasons to stay safe haven’t convinced you, think about the horror stories that have developed in the past few years, such as the Natalee Holloway story. If you’re worried about your sh*t spread all over campus, how about when your tragedy becomes worldwide news, and people start making their own assumptions about your spring break behavior?

Even if you are trying to play it safe, in a foreign land, it can be more difficult to get the medical assistance you need, should something go awry. And with all the booze that’s flowing, the chances of getting seriously hurt escalate. The aforementioned USA Today article cited a young girl who fell off of a balcony and died after drinking too much; I’m sure there are countless scratches, scrapes, black eyes, and ankle sprains that haven’t made the papers – and they’re all telltale signs you had too much fun over Break when you get back to class.

Like the Bible Chucker…

Ah, the caf, where you can “all you can eat” to your heart’s content (and waistline’s dismay). Also where you can find out that you’re going to Hell. Yep, nine times out of ten, this is where you will experience The Religious Fanatic. Not just a Bible thumper, but more like a Bible chucker. Yeah, no thumping for them. They throw it at you. Hard.

Far more judgmental than grandma could ever think about being (at least she’ll make you a pie after), this guy has everybody labeled a severe sinner. He’s easy to recognize as he is the only one dressed in a suit despite the fact that it may just be 80 plus degrees outside. If that doesn’t tip you off, perhaps the stack of “How To Live” pamphlets in his hand or the giant poster that says “Smoking Kills” with a stereotypical picture of Hell on it helps. Or maybe the fact that he’s old and bearded? It’s not like he’s trying to hide. He wants sinners to go to Hell and he has no problem letting you know (by screaming into a megaphone) as you attempt to scarf down that fro yo.

He sort of reminds you of the people who stood on street corners back in the day, preaching about the different religions. Only, he’s all about the hellfire and brimstone and not so much about the nice salvation part.

This guy has no interest in how you were raised or what you believe. If it’s not the same as them, you’re wrong. And you will pay. For eternity. If you are in a sorority, wearing jeans (or heaven forbid, a miniskirt), eating meat, or just walking by, you are going somewhere hot. And it isn’t Cancun.

Don’t feel bad, though. It’s not you. Sure, you may have had premarital sex or opted to wear that new skirt to brunch, but this guy is out to get everyone in your caf and in cafs across the country. Just (try to) ignore him and make a beeline for the salad bar. He’s never going away, so just get used to him.

And this is why you should never get drunk and go outside on a cruise ship.

Lohan really needs to stop with the blogging.

Does this ad make you feel uncomfortable, too?

Keep the holidays going with these delicious cocktails.

I didn’t think it was possible for Prince William to look so…not hot.

Donatella Versace scares the bejeesus out of us.

An alternative style for New Years Eve.

Tips for achieving the perfect curls.

Ideas for those leftover holiday cookies.

If you can travel…

Hey, if you’ve got the funds, lucky you. Hit up another country and see how they do New Years. You don’t regret it. If you’re still underage, Canadian cities can be quite the hotspot (take it from someone who spent her last <21 New Years in Montreal, after a 10-hour road strip). If you’re loaded despite being in college during the recession, head on over to Europe. Hate the cold? Sing Auld Lang Syne in Puerto Rico or the Dominican Republic.

Okay, those are nice ideas in a fantasy world… but let’s move onto options for those of us who can’t cough up the money for airfare.

If you want to travel but can’t afford it…

Throw a Chinese New Year’s party. Okay, so technically the CNY kicks off February 1, but who cares? Cater your party with Egg Rolls and Fortune Cookies (way cheaper than many food options), decorate with paper dragons, and serve Sake till the last Geisha’s standing.

Create Your Own Times Square. NYC is pretty much insane on New Year’s anyway. Hang a disco ball from the ceiling and buy skyscraper cut-outs for the walls. Have everyone dress up (because in college, the land of hoodies and sweatshirts, you can never have too many fancy-dress parties), and broadcast the Manhattan festivities on your TV in the background. It’ll be warmer than Times Square, and you probably won’t have any bums hitting you up for spare change on the way home.

Throw a Hotel Party…in the Next Town Over. Grab a room at the Best Western or the HoJo, and pretend you’re at the Ritz Carlton. Nobody will have to drive, you won’t have to clean up, and maybe you can work it so you share a queen bed with your crush.

If you really don’t care about traveling, and just want to have a good time:

Throw a “My Tie” party. If you can make a large quantity of Mai Tais in a punch bowl, more power to you. But encourage everyone to dress business-casual, and when the men arrive, have them remove their ties and throw them in a basket. The ladies then choose a tie, and the man who belongs to that piece of neckwear is her date for the night. Takes the pressure off of finding a kiss at Midnight.

New Year’s Resolutions parties can also be fun, because we all have them, and none of us stick to them. Wear a necklace made of empty Marlboro boxes if you plan to quit smoking, or wear some hot spandex if you vow to go to the gym more regularly. Things can get pretty effing creative here. Not into costumes? Have everyone throw their resolution into a hat, and try to guess who is giving up what this year.

Have a Blind Date. They say the way you ring in the new year is a prediction of how the next 365 days will unfold. Plan a girl’s night and go Speed Dating as a group, or see if any bachelors have posted on CrazyBlindDate.com. The key is to get your friends involved, so that at the very least, you can have a laugh. New Year’s Eve is all about letting loose isn’t it?

If you really don’t care about getting smashed…

Check out your city’s First Night. There’s bound to be fireworks, free live music, and tons of street vendors. Many cities across the US host First Night celebrations, and they are quite lucrative.

Host a Best-Of 2008 Movie Marathon. Curl up with some take-out and a stash of DVDs – just be sure to press pause for the Ball Drop at midnight!

Make Some Money. I’ve had my share of insane NYE celebrations. So last year, I opted to wait tables, since every weekend for me is as crazy as the novice’s New Year. The tips were good, and I was still out by midnight. And I made up for missing the big party by having several “No Reason” celebrations. Scour Craigslist and you’ll see tons of opportunities to work at private parties on the 31st. You never know what kind of adventure will actually unravel.

As soon as they arrive, they have pool and lunch/talk time. Bo and his well-waxed eyebrows have nothing to say until he finds out that he can’t ride on the jet skis with the girls because of his jaw. He gets upset and takes it personally. Bo, need I remind you – spitting out tons of blood, split jaw, emergency room – surgery?!?

Then we have the condom blow up race – the person who wins gets to choose when they have their date. The catch: the game isn’t about speed; it’s about how they work the pump. Yes, working the pump. I’m shaking my head as I type this. Brittany wins and decides to spend the second night with Tila; she then chooses Bo go to on the first date and Kristy to go on the last one.

So the rest of the episode is basically going to be Tila making out with everyone and possibly spending the night with each of them.

Bo date: Bo’s apologies for acting like a baby earlier in the date and Tila cries about hurting Bo’s feelings and then she initiates a kiss, which totally surprises me because it seems like she doesn’t want to even be on the show. Did you guys even eat anything?

They go up to Tila’s room and I’m shocked – SHOCKED! – as the girls lay around in their bikinis and call Bo doofy. Awww, he’s not doofy; I make fun of him, but I do think that he’s cute.

Oh, geeze, someone put rose petals on Tila’s bed. Can I inform the world that rose petals on a bed are a bad idea? They stick to you, you know.

And Brittany and Kristy are skinny dipping as Bo and Tila keep making out. I’m guessing that Bo spends the night.

Yes, I’m right; Tila and Bo enter breakfast together where Tila is going to eat pancakes in lingerie. Did they do it? Must they giggle as Kristy and Brittany try to eat?

Brittany date: I feel like she’s going to get eliminated because she just pours it on. “You make it so hard not to fall in love with you.” CHEEEEEEESE. How old are you? You and Tila were meant to happen? Wow. This is followed by a make out and an invitation to Tila’s hot tub where Tila says she falls in love with Brittany. Well, she told the cameras that; she didn’t tell Brittany.

Next morning, Brittany and Tila enter together for another uncomfortable morning-after-possibly-post-coital breakfast.

Kristy date: It’s going to just be more of the same; dinner, make out, talk about feelings, night cap. I really like Tila’s dress; I don’t think that I’ve liked a single thing that she’s worn through this whole show until this moment.

Kristy, Tila’s not spoiling you – some 22 year old at MTV is setting up these dates. I like how we see more of Tila and Kristy together than anyone else because the camera guys like filming it and the editing guys need something interesting to watch. The girls take the hook up inside and walk into breakfast together the next morning.

And we watch another uncomfortable breakfast but at least they are flying back to Cali afterward for eliminations that night. I’m glad Tila can spend the flight time doing all of that thinking since she has so much on her mind.

Eliminations!!

Bo gets the first key – no shocker there.

Tila chooses Kristy over Brittany. And again, I’m not shocked. Brittany’s really sweet and I’m sure that after this show she’ll have PLENTY of girls to choose from.

Next time – reunion show and then in two weeks we have the finale for the greatest, most influential show ever!

Who do you think will win it, Kristy or Bo?

What made Bo’s mom show off her Gene Simmon’s tongue and hit on Tila in front of a 10 year old? Poor thing is getting the education that he never wanted from his mom.

Next up is Tila in Westchester, NY, visiting Kristy. They start at the ice rink. Kristy must have been the junior ice champion at one point. They go on to Kristy’s house to meet the family and I cringe when they all start dancing to the show’s theme song. Does Tila sing this crap? No one should be “freaking” on anyone right now. My mom would have died 4.7 seconds into this mess.

Off to San Diego to visit Brittany. I anticipate a boring visit but Brittany comes out of this looking really cool to me. She’s really thoughtful, her friends seem cool and her dad is a nice guy. These are the conclusions that I’ve made based on 90 seconds of footage, but I’m sure that I’m right.

And last is the visit that I’m dreading. Jersey Jay in Jersey. No one else in his family looks like Corey Haim. The dinner devolved rather quickly and I wonder if this is a regular occurrence with Mom and Step Mom showing breasts and kissing. This family is so freaky, Tila could have shown her vagina and they would have called it cute. Tila must have magic musk pheromones to make everyone hit on her everywhere she goes.

Why would Jay suggest going in the hot tub? I can’t pick my mouth up from the floor watching this hot tub orgy. If I were filming this, I would have quit my job during dinner and my family would have to starve for my choice.

Everyone reconvenes at the mansion where I finally see the stupid gigantic purple bed that hasn’t been slept on since the third day. Brittany and Bo are worried because Jay’s family was wild and Tila might like that more than their normal visits – yeah, um, don’t worry. I can’t even imagine why Jay was proud of his visit. He’s totally going home.

Eliminations!

Kristy gets the first key, Bo gets the second and…

YES!!! Jay is GOING HOME!! Tila says that he’s not her type. Haaa.

Jay, give it up, you LOSER. Don’t even call Tila a ho. And you can call Bo a bitch all you want – you are going to go home to hold your limpness in your hand while you watch your moms make out and cry over your dumb tattoo. Bo is really way too cool to stoop to your level and acknowledge your bitch-assness.

Next episode: Cancun. I’m too angry at Jay to add any detail to this.