I’ve never had to deal with that line in a bar, but I have had a guy try to deconstruct me on a first date based on my birthday. He thought he was being cute. I thought he’d be cuter with a bag over his head.

Lame, unfunny idiot using it as a come on or not, there’s definitely something to Astrology. Defining people by a little symbol and its characteristics are fun—especially if you get to define them in the bitchiest way possible.

How to Spot a Bastard by His Star Sign makes no qualms about the fact that it’s a book based on the idea that all men are bastards—be they crab, bull, or scorpion.

“Why is Capricorn so boring?” it asks on the title page. “What makes Libra think he’s so perfect? And who on earth would want to mate with an Aires?”

“Fire Sign Bastards are always better than you and will never hesitate to tell you so,” starts the first chapter of this little retro bamphlet (book/pamphlet). “They’ll then hammer the fact home by telling you again—just incase you didn’t hear them the first time.”

Tongue-and-cheek with a layer of so-sad-it’s-funny reality, this newest addition to your coffee table have you laughing from the beginning—just don’t let your boyfriend catch you reading it.

…or do, espescially if you feel like it’s time to break up.