Casual sex is…well, rarely casual. More times than not it ends with frustration, regret and overuse of the word ‘asshole.’ And let’s be honest, the pissed-at-the-world scale generally tips towards the ladies. How is it that men appear more successful at ‘handling’ their casual relationships?

While some may argue that men have an easier time separating sex and emotion, I don’t believe that is the defining attribute. I think men are just better at picking their casual partners. When a guy says, “Oh, I would never be serious with this girl,” it’s because he means it. He doesn’t get emotional or attached because he chooses a girl he would never get attached to. Is casual sex possible for women? Absolutely. But if we want to enter the same playing field, we have to play by the same rules. Ladies, I give you the 10 Commandments of Casual Sex.

Let me be clear, this is not the 10 Commandments of Dating, and it is definitely not the 10 Commandments of Making Your Hook Up Buddy Your Boyfriend. If you allow yourself to enter a ‘casual relationship’ with the underlying motive to make it something more, 9 times out of 10 you will be disappointed with the outcome.

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So, how casual is your sex life? You’d be surprised to know that 8 out of every 10 women up to the age of 63 have had at least one casual sex encounter. Sheesh, that’s a lot of hooking up! Lots of girls are taking part in this no strings attached lifestyle, and they’re revealing all the juicy details in this latest survey from TrésSugar & Self Magazine. For climax confessions and one-night-stands gallore, check out the survey results for yourself. Happy humping!

Prep your purse
Besides your phone, camera, keys, and wallet, there are a few other things you may want to pack in your clutch. Like condoms. Under no circumstances is this trashy or tacky. It is a completely responsible and admirable thing to do. Other people, especially strangers, may not have any regard for your health, but you definitely should. To avoid that grungy morning-after feeling, throw in a mini tube of deodorant, some breath stripes and a pack of wipes.

Get a second opinion
Obviously, your sex life is ultimately your own business, but it might be a good idea to have someone else confirm your prospect’s attractiveness (those vodka soda goggles fall off at the most inopportune times), and gauging level of availability (maybe your best friend sees that guy every day…canoodling with the same person in the student union). At the very least, make sure someone else knows where you’re going, not only for safety concerns but also for the sake of your friends not frantically having to search for you at last call when you peaced out an hour before.

Open yourself up
I would never deny the importance of boundaries. Having them is incredibly empowering and strengthens your sense of security and control, and engaging in a one night stand does not invalidate your right to set boundaries at all. At the same time though, one of the great things about a one night stand is the freedom to do things you wouldn’t normally do. So go for it. Practice your dirty talk, try a new position, let go of some of your inhibitions. One night stands are about pure, unadulterated, stringless pleasure, so make the most of it.

Don’t beat yourself up afterward
One of the things I struggled with when I was engaging in casual hookups was an overwhelming sense of self-loathing. I would wonder why these guys didn’t like me and I would question my self-worth because I internalized some of the insanity our slut shamey culture propagates on a regular basis. I felt like I was leaving pieces of myself with guys I’d never talk to again and I didn’t feel comfortable with that at all.

I eventually came to the conclusion that one night stands aren’t personally my cup of tea, and maybe you’re the same way. Regardless, I learned a lot about myself that I might not have learned had I not hooked up with those randoms, so I ultimately don’t regret anything I did. And as for that feeling of “incompleteness,” I realized that I was attaching too many expectations to these particular sexual experiences. There are times when sex should be laden with emotions and significance…and one night stands are not it. They’re bursts of superficial pleasure, and that’s fine. Sometimes you want a gourmet meal and sometimes you want McDonalds, but when you start assigning gourmet ideals to a Big Mac, that’s when your feelings get hurt.

Having casual sex is a perfectly valid lifestyle choice and there’s no reason to be ashamed, so I fully support taking as many steps as you can to ensure it is as enjoyable as it can be. The walk of shame, however; well, you’re on your own for that one.

So there’s been a lot of talk here on CollegeCandy lately about slut shaming, casual sex, and what exactly defines a girl as “whorey.” Instead of clearing all of that up for you with this post, I’m probably just going to create another grey area, but hey, that’s what life is all about, isn’t it?

Right. Okay.

So I want to talk to you ladies about one night stands. Casual sex. Hookups. Booty calls. Those guys you sleep with once and probably never see again. The reason I want to talk to you girls about this is because a lot of you are probably cringing right now, recalling your last one night stand, the last time you slept with a guy and then walked home in last night’s clothes, the last time you had casual sex and then felt guilty about it. In fact you’re probably feeling guilty all over again right now. And I want to tell you to stop. Stop cringing. Stop feeling guilty. Stop second guessing and over thinking and feeling bad about yourself. Because you know what? Casual sex is okay. And you know what makes it okay? The fact that you wanted to have casual sex.

Because when it comes down to it no one can set your boundaries for you but yourself. You define what is right and wrong for you, good and bad for you. You’re in control. And if you’re okay with it then just be okay with it. Don’t try to justify your actions or your reasons to anyone but yourself. If you’re okay with the way you live your life, then, really, that’s all that matters.

Not being all that big on the one night stand myself, it took me a while to figure out how I wanted to approach this post. And of course my musings (just like everything else in life) brought me back to Carrie Bradshaw and Co. The Sex and the City girls. If anyone could make you feel less guilty about doing what feels right in the moment and going after what you want it would be these ladies.

I thought back to the episode where Carrie was featured in a photo shoot entitled Single and Fabulous. But at the end of that title there stood a question mark (Single and Fabulous?) rather than an exclamation point (Single and Fabulous!) and all of a sudden Carrie had herself questioning whether or not she believed there should be a question mark or an exclamation point at the end of that sentence. So, Carrie goes out and has a few drinks and she meets a guy. A guy she flirts with and kisses and almost takes home. She doesn’t. Because she realizes that if she slept with him she wouldn’t be sleeping with him because she wanted to but because she felt like she needed to prove something to herself, that she really was single and fabulous.

So Carrie goes home alone that night, but she doesn’t always, not when she doesn’t want to. And for Carrie that’s why casual sex is okay, that’s why she doesn’t feel guilty. She’s had more than her fair share of one night stands, and she’s okay with that because when she brings a guy home she does it because she wants to. She doesn’t feel guilty about the casual sex she has because she is in charge of her choices, she makes her decision. She defines her own boundaries and does what’s right for her. (That being said even if you’re not feeling guilty after a one night stand, but you’re still feeling unhappy you might need to reconsider the reasons why you’re gravitating towards casual sex. ) You shouldn’t feel guilty about indulging in a one night stand. Why?

Because you had fun. Because you weren’t expecting it to be anything more or anything less. Because casual sex is okay. Because you define your boundaries and no one else. Because you enjoyed it. Because you wanted it.

So if that’s what you want, go out there and get it. Do what you want to do.
Just do it safely.

Blame it on the booty call

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The random hook up. Probably the only thing more common at a college party than drunk people screaming to Journey. That’s why people are there, isn’t it? That’s why we girls spend hours picking out outfits that are sexy without being too slutty, and risking third degree burns with a flat iron.

We want guys to want us. And we want them to want us now.

I’m a big fan of the random hook up. Obviously, I’d prefer a more constant booty call in my life (read: a boyfriend), but there’s nothing wrong with sharing the milk while I wait for someone to buy the cow. I love the challenge of seeking out what I want (the guy in the worn-in baseball cap) and getting it (in my bed). And quite honestly, sometimes a girl’s got needs, ya know? Sometimes I just need a little pleasure in my life that doesn’t come from the fro yo machine and unlimited sprinkles in the caf. And by “sometimes” I obviously mean “when I’m drinking.”

That being said, I’m not gonna go home with just anybody. I have standards, thank you very much. And just because those standards get a little lower when I’m wearing the beer goggles (which I don’t realize until after the fact, of course; I always think the guy is sexy until I wake up in the morning) doesn’t mean I’m going to do the horizontal mambo with anything that happens to have man parts.

When it comes to hooking up, I like to like the person I’ll be spending the evening with. I know it seems weird, being that we’re only gonna be humping for a few minutes (most likely) and then passing out, but there’s gotta be attraction there. He’s gotta make me laugh as we stand by the keg waiting to fill our Solo cups. He’s gotta have a sexy smile that gives me butterflies. He’s got to be holding a drink that isn’t girlier than mine. He’s gotta do or be something that makes me want to go home with him in the first place. It doesn’t matter how determined I am to hook up, if the guy isn’t offering more than a semi-working penis (thank you, Four Loko), I’m not gonna get with him just because he’s there and/or grinding his boner into my back.

If I just wanted to get off, well, I could do that myself… and not have to do the walk of shame in the morning.

For me, the hookup is about more than just the orgasm. (Probably because hooking up with a drunk college guy rarely guarantees that.) It’s about the excitement of it all, the fun. What’s fun and exciting about hooking up with just anybody? Who can get all hot and bothered for a guy they’re not attracted to in any way, shape or level of intoxication? And who wants to wake up in the morning and have to explain to her roommates why the bald guy with the gold tooth just walked through the living room?

I’m a lady. A respectable lady. A catch. I’m not going to give just any random creature access to this [sweeps hands over body]. What do I look like, a public drinking fountain?

But that doesn’t seem to be the case for the dudes of the world. Check out what they have to say on the subject at CoedMagazine.com.

No. It’s most definitely not.

So we thought we’d help College Board and all those other important SAT people out by offering them a few alternative SAT questions. Real life questions, the kind of questions that college students may encounter on any give college day…

1. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila…

(A) Four (B) Floor (C) Bed (D) Death

2. Beer goggles is a commonly used college expression. Explain the meaning of this phrase and then use it in a sentence.

3. A walk of shame is:

(A) Walking into class after said class has started (B) Walking home during the early hours of the morning in last night’s clothes after spending said night in with a guy (C) Tripping while walking in high heels

4. A steak dinner is to real life as ____ is to college life.

(A) cafeteria food (B) Ramen noodles (C) Chef Boyardee

5. Finals week will most likely be spent:

(A) in the library (B) studying (C) on Facebook (D) Both A and C

6.  In college your dating life changes. It’s far less likely that a guy asks you to hang out after class or go to a football game with him, and far more likely that he propositions you at a party. But there is an alternative. Explain the concepts of friends with benefits. Then discuss the pros and cons of such an agreement.

7. Your roommate asks to borrow your favorite sweater. Not only is it too small for her, but she also has a habit of returning items she borrows unwashed. Explain how to get out of such a situation without starting a roommate war.

8. Name six of CollegeCandy’s ten ways to drink a beer.

9. The best reason to drop a class is:

(A) It’s at 7 a.m. (B) The professor has terrible reviews (C) It’s on a Friday (D) All of the above

10.  Name some college stereotypes. Which will you be? Why?

Dear Dude, 

Get ready for a toughy—the way this guy has demonstrated interest in me is far beyond my comprehension. He started flirting with me in October: sitting next to me in class, texting me nonstop, asking if I had a boyfriend, etc. I was very receptive and flirtatious back, but nothing happened. Physically speaking, the most we ever did was hug one another. We haven’t done anything more than study alone together several times in his dorm room—again, nothing physical. Out of the blue, he has told me that he has a lot of respect for me and that he thinks I’m intelligent, and he has mentioned my various accomplishments to his friends. You think everything would be good and that he’s just a little timid, but here’s the tricky part:

Sometimes when he texts me, they’re very direct and sexual.

Earlier on, he has asked me how far I’ve been even though he knows I’ve never had a boyfriend before and that I take my morals very seriously (although, I’m not entirely against having premarital sex—I just want to make sure I am in a committed relationship before doing so). At the very beginning of second semester, we were joking around via text that we were cold and that we should warm up together. When I asked him if this was an invitation to snuggle and have a movie night, he said he only cared to snuggle without pants on. I got really upset by this when he continuously pursued the topic, asking me what I was afraid of and telling me that trying new things could be fun, even though I told him I wasn’t comfortable with that by any means. He did apologize for the behavior and things were just as normal as they always were when we saw one another in class a few days later.

Then about a week ago, he has asked on several occasions late at night for me to come over for what he phrases as being a “pajama party.” I responded that I would like to hang out with him so long as it wasn’t in obscure hours of the night, but we haven’t actually set anything up. I’m severely frustrated by the whole situation, and my friends have mixed feelings about him, some professing that he’s toying with me and others saying that I’m paranoid for thinking that he’s using me for sex.

What is he exactly after? I think I have made myself perfectly clear on my unwillingness to casually hook up, so if he is trying to just hook up with me, why does he continuously pursue it when this has dragged on for months and his tactics aren’t working?

I really don’t know what do anymore. Everyone refers to him as the prototypical nice guy, so I don’t know why this keeps happening to me. It just kills me, and at the risk of sounding cliché, I never cared so much about a guy before, and I’m not willing to give up just yet, which probably makes me sound certifiably insane. At the very least, if something doesn’t develop between us, I don’t want to make this more awkward than it already is.

Help Me,
Victim of Sexual Cryptic Texter

Dear Victim of Sexual Cryptic Texter,

What does he want? SEX. When does he want it? NOW. What does he want? SEX! When will he get it? Well, that’s your call, isn’t it?

Based on the evidence you’ve given, I’d say he may not just be looking for a booty call but he also might not be looking for a heavy duty relationship. He could desire the ever popular FWB. The fact that the two of you have been tap dancing for months on end is some indication that he’s not only looking for the quick fix. On the other hand, some fellas love a challenge and who’s to say that, in his mind, you’re not his best option for a little hanky panky?

Texting and e-mail is the perfect outlet for the inner freak. You can claim to save a little face because your horniness isn’t coming out of your mother. However, every nice guy has a sexual deviant inside him somewhere. We get horny. But we’re scared we’ll come off creepy and get rejected. Somehow, using an indirect way to directly let our doggedness is less…real. Does that make sense? I’m not claiming it does. I’m just saying it happens.

So, what’s my advice? Confront the sombitch! You set him straight and set it right. Situations like this all come down to setting the boundaries. You’ve clearly set one boundary: no naked cuddling! He tested it, when you got mad, he backed off for a time and now he’s testing it again. Remind you of something? Like, a 2 year-old?

You say that you’ve never cared so much about a guy before. Then, here’s my question to you: Why are you still just friends? What’s preventing you from giving him a chance to be more than friends? I’m not talking about having sex; I’m talking about trying to have a romantic relationship. You don’t suddenly go from friendship to marriage; there’re a few steps in between but the two of you haven’t taken any of them from the sound of it. If it’s the fact he’s pushing so hard and you can’t get past that, then you’ve got your answer already: let the dog go.

However, if you still want him to be a friend then you need to make it clear. If there’s truly no chance of the two of you changing that dynamic then make sure you shut the door on his little guy. However, if you think you’d like to go down that road then sit his ass down and lay out the dealbreakers. Tell him what you’re comfortable doing and not doing. Tell him that the pace is going to have to be this slow, or this fast, and if you want to switch up gears then you’ll do it when you are ready.

You don’t have to throw the baby out with the bathwater yet; it all depends on if you want the baby in the first place. Make your choice: do you take this to another level, and make it clear what that level will and will not contain, or do you say “enough”?

Start with what you need – other than to not have sex – I’m speaking more on the emotional plane. When that’s clear, everything else will follow.

Taking a cold shower,
The Dude

[He's good, right? Sigh, we know. Check out The Dude's other insights into the male mind right here.]

But apparently the University of Chicago can. The site first launched a few weeks ago, under the name UChicagoHookups.com, “a place where fun comes to thrive.” But since then, the site has gained more media attention and has been renamed EduHookups.com, allowing students from Northwestern University, Columbia College Chicago, and soon Brown University, to register under a .edu email address, and search for hookups.

More than 300 people have registered for the site and over 1,300 private messages have been sent, but I have to ask, is this really necessary? I mean it’s college. Aren’t we always complaining that there’s nothing but casual hookups in college? Aren’t we saying that it’s difficult to find anything more than that? If that’s the case why do we need a website geared toward this? Isn’t this what bars and house parties are for? Will those become irrelevant now, too, with students no longer even bothering with the fun and the flirting and the cheesy pickup lines? Now we’ll just send people private messages and meet them in the appropriate dorm room?

I’m all about new media, but this seems like a bit much even for me. Is it too much to ask for a good old fashioned house party hookup?