As a semi-live-in girlfriend, I encounter all kinds of things in my boyfriend’s boudoir that he might have previously attempted to put away or hide to create a more presentable version of himself. Well those days are long gone and I am now subject to every dirty pair of boxers, week old Taco Bell leftover and wet, mildewed towel left on the bed. But these things I’m pretty much immune to. Guys’ rooms are almost by definition a hell of a lot dirtier than girls (at least I like to pretend) and all of these little things can be fixed with a load of laundry, a huge garbage bag and a little Febreeze.

But what are the kinds of things that you would never want to find in your guy’s room? Besides the very obvious (unrecognizable panties, bras, earrings, condom wrappers) I can name a few…

1. Super Creepy Porn.

You can pretty much accept the fact that there will be some form of porn in your guy’s room at some point. You can also be fairly sure that you will accidentally intercept said pornography via mail, browser history or that shoebox under his bed. (Tip: boys don’t want you to surprise them with spring cleaning; you probably shouldn’t want to surprise them with it either.) No big deal, I say, come to terms with the fact that while your guy absolutely loves hooking up with you, he will still want to look at porn. It’s just a different outlet for their sexuality and can actually improve your sex life when seen from the right perspective. Additionally, it’s a good substitute for when your boyfriend wants to get it on (always) and you don’t (rarely, but it happens). If there were no porn there would be an abnormally high amount of blue balls or of extremely exhausted girlfriends. Read More »

Listen, I don’t know about you, but I had seriously been looking forward to this coming Sunday. A celebration of religion, a day spent with the family, and of course – chocolate!

But now it’s all down the freaking tubes, thanks to those goddamn Catholics! Yep, it pains me to announce that this weekend’s Chocolate Jesus fesitval has been cancelled.

The six-foot, nude (sans loin cloth!) chocolate Jesus statue has been pulled from the Roger Smith Hotel in Manhattan after Bill Donahue (the veritable Pope of Catholicism) said, “This is one of the worst assaults on Christian sensibilities ever. It’s not just the ugliness of the portrayal, but the timing – to choose Holy Week is astounding.”

Maybe it’s just me, but isn’t chocolate the most honorable thing you could sculpt Jesus out of? It’s quite difficult to mold… maybe even as difficult as rationing out six loaves and fishes to thousands! Jesus would approve! Besides, plaster and marble ain’t tasty!

If they were gonna cancel this exhibit for any reason, it probably should have been because that statue is AWFUL. Are you lookin’ at that thing?!

I’m so sure Catholics are all about transubstantiating wine into Jesus’ blood, but they are totally anti a chocolate Jesus body. Blood is way more sacred than body. Wait, that’s not right. But really, why is a six-foot chocolate Jesus statue so wrong, but this little chocolate Jesus candy is marketed as the perfect Easter treat?

Or is this more about the dearth of loin cloth? ‘Cause he’s just showin’ what he was immaculately born with. For seers.

Anyway, my Sunday is ruined. Guess I’ll go see Grindhouse.