Phew, now that all the fake smiling is over and all the bad presents have been unwrapped, it’s time to bring some joy back into Christmas!

With a few hours to spare before your great Aunt Betty arrives with ugly sweaters for the whole fam, lets ‘ooh’ and ‘aww’ at some of the most purrrfectly wrapped presents this year. While not everyone likes finding their cat six feet in the air tangled up in Christmas tree lights, cute cats decked out for the holiday season are a different matter — bring it on.

Hope everyone is eating seconds and thirds!

Week after week (after week after week…), CollegeCandy and our pal John bring you some of the weirdest, funniest, and saddest things he hears on his college campus. And we know he’s not the only one who hears this stuff. Join the Overheard revolution! Listen in on some weirdos’ conversations and share them in the comments or send ‘em over. You know there’s a lot of funny things to be heard on your campus, so take off those (faux) Burberry ear muffs and tune in.

(Girl, yelling, in a bar bathroom.)

Girl: … I’m NOT PREGNANT!

(Two guys, walking in an apartment parking lot.)

Guy 1: Dude, look at that cat. Is that cat drunk?

Guy 2: No, man, everyone knows cats don’t drink.

(Two girls, walking)

Girl 1: OK, we take this to the grave.

Girl 2: Yeah, no one can find out.

Girl 1: Kinda like the time I cried in the Lizzie McGuire movie.

Girl 2: Or when you peed on Stacie’s boots.

(Girl, guy, playing Wii in the lounge.)

Girl: Ughh! Oh my God! I need some Viagra for video games!

(Guy, girl, in the lunchroom kitchen.)

Guy: Aah! I destroy everything I touch!

Girl: Wait, are you breaking up with me?

Guy: No. Broke a plate.

(Girl, watching TV in the lounge.)

Girl: Oh. I get it. Suddenly it makes sense. Football players are all virgins.

(Two guys, waiting to get into a concert.)

Guy 1: You know what it means to f— a duck, right?

Guy 2: What? Uh, no.

Guy 1: Uh, geez. F— a duck. You know, like … that thing?

Guy 2: I dunno, dude.

Guy 1: Man. Just f— a duck.

(Professor, teaching a communications class.)

Professor: But, you’d never do that. It’d be like … a dozen people, sitting in a room in silence, watching a pair of lips on TV. It would be very European.

(Girls, talking at breakfast.)

Girl 1: I need to purge this pizza from my body.

Girl 2: Uh …

Girl 1: Yup. Exactly as gross as you think.

(Guys, outside a campus wings restaurant.)

Guy: Ughhh. I ate so much. It feels like I just got kicked in the stomach. And their shoe got stuck there.

(Girls, sitting around in the study lounge.)

Girl 1: What’s a fun game?

Girl 2: I have this game called “Loot.” It’s, like, a pirate card game.

Girl 1: Like, cuttin’ throats and swingin’ on rigging. And stabbing people’s eyes, so they bleed everywhere like a bloody duck’s butt.

No one's getting booty in this room. Trust.

It’s the Scout Motto: Always be prepared. But I don’t think my Girl Scout troop leader was referring to booty calls when she ingrained that piece of advice into my head.

On a college campus you never know who you’re going to meet… and then want to take back to your room… to get to know each other better. The last thing you want is to bring a suitor home one night and have them leave the next morning without their wallet because it’s lost in a sea of your dirty laundry (true story). Or worse, bring them home and have them remember they have “somewhere to be” (at 3 a.m.) after spotting your My Little Pony collection on your nightstand.

Being prepared for spontaneity may be an oxymoron, but it has safely guarded my dignity and late night encounters thus far. Here are a few life tips I have adapted in my quest to divide and conquer, without letting those boys see my Spanx.

Good Idea: Have some sexy lingerie out on the bed. There’s no reason your guy can’t be led to believe that you sleep in see-through nightgowns every night of the week. He can file that one away right alongside “girls never poop.”
Bad Idea: Procrastination and laundry are my two archenemies, but it’s simply never a good idea to have your dirty laundry sprawled across the floor, including the granny panties you’ve been wearing all week. Helpful tip: no one will see it when it’s stuffed at the bottom of your closet.

Good Idea: Having pictures of your friends displayed throughout your room.
Bad Idea: Having a framed picture of your dad holding a 12-gauge shotgun. Let’s be real. That’s not going to set the mood.

Good Idea: Candles may be banned in dorm rooms, but try your best to keep your room smelling nice. The scent of fresh laundry or perfume wafting through your room will keep your guy coming back for more. Or, at the very least, he won’t be repulsed by the aroma of old milk and mildew.
Bad Idea: Having three half-eaten boxes of pizza scattered around the room. Two-day old pepperoni has an unforgettable scent that is sure to make you gag upon catching a whiff. Moldy cheese is not an aphrodisiac – don’t forget that.

Good Idea: A freshly made bed with crisp sheets and fluffy pillows.
Bad Idea: A freshly made bed covered in 42 pillows shaped like cats.

Good Idea: Continual bikini line and leg hair maintenance.
Bad Idea: Not shaving from November to April to reduce your heating bill and still keep warm. He may love to stroke your hair, but not when it’s on your legs.

Good Idea: Having a copy of the Kama Sutra on your bookshelf amongst other notable books and novels. Impressive and sexy. Now he can love you for your brains and your sexual prowess.
Bad Idea: Asking him to read you a few chapters of Twilight before bed. It’s either that or a chapter from Sex for Dummies, which has a prominent place on your nightstand. Awkward.

Good Idea: Having a variety of condoms readily available to you.
Bad Idea: No matter what anyone says, neither saran wrap nor chicken skin is an acceptable form of birth control.

Every week, CC and John bring you some of the weirdest, funniest, saddest things he hears on his college campus. Join the Overheard revolution!Leave your own overheard convos in the comments or send ‘em over!

(Two students, hunched over books in Starbucks.)

Girl 1: Pith. That means ‘courage,’ right? Like ‘full of pith and vinegar’?

Girl 2: I think that’s ‘piss and vinegar.’

Girl 1: I guess I’ve only heard it said by gay pirates.

(Old people sitting down in a restaurant.)

Old Lady: Oh, in my industry, we only have one joke. Customers ask, ‘Which vacuum is the best?’ And I say, ‘Oh, they all suck.’ Ha!  Ha ha ha!

Other old people: Ha ha ha!

(Two guys, reading the comics in a drugstore.)

Guy 1: Wait, do cars even have edible underwear?

Guy 2: I think it’d be more like an edible hat.

(Girls studying math in the library.)

Girl 1: … So you just do your FOIL and multiply out.

Girl 2: I don’t get it! I don’t know how to do math.

Girl 1: You know, first, then outer, then the inner, then last?

Girl 2: Oh! You mean making rainbows!

(Two boys, sitting on the couch at a party.)

Boy: Oh my god, I love your cat! She looks just like Michelle Pfeiffer!

(Two girls, jogging on treadmills at the gym.)

Girl 1: You have to scoop! Scoop your tummy! Scoop your butt!

Girl 2: I’m sorry! I can’t stop thinking about ice cream!

(Girl, looking at DVDs in Blockbuster.)

Girl: Someone get the stunt boobs! I gotta do some boob stunts!

(Guy and girl, sitting in the back of a campus bus.)

Girl: It’s pulled by a team of invisible unicorns.

Guy: And rocket boosters!

Girl: No! You’ll kill them!

(Girl, on the phone in a grocery store.)

Girl: Are you serious? Right in the middle of the aisle? … Someone must have done it on purpose! I mean, poop from a human?

(Research meeting, at an outdoor picnic table.)

Professor: So we just need one more name.

Student: How about something ethnic, like “Moron.”

1. I put on sweats, grab a blanket and settle in front of my couch for the day/night/month.
2. I eat a box of Oreos smothered in peanut butter.

Ok, I’ll be honest – I do both. And usually polish off the jar of pb with a spoon.

I used to think that those nights made me feel better because of the intense sugar rush all that quality programming (read: Food Network challenges) distracted me from my personal issues, but a new study is saying that watching TV actually cures loneliness.

According to a series of studies performed at the University at Buffalo and Miami University of Ohio, people feel personally connected to the characters they watch on TV, so much so that it is like they are actually a part of whatever is going on week after week. These “relationships” fulfill them (much like my Oreo/pb combo fulfills me) and their need for personal contact.

So, basically, my long stints in front of the TV take away my loneliness not because they are distracting me from it, but because I feel as if I am right there with Bobby Flay cooking up a 6 course meal with a crazy secret ingredient in 60 minutes. And we are totally BFF.

I can sorta see the truth in this – lord knows I talk about LC and Audrina like we are all living together and crushing on the Brodester – but it all seems so sad. Do people really think that they are part of Blair Waldorf’s latest scheme? Do they really stop questioning the fact that they have 9 cats and a crazy knitting hobby because they feel so close to Pam and Jim on The Office?

And maybe people wouldn’t be so lonely if they LEFT THE HOUSE ONCE IN AWHILE INSTEAD OF SITTING HOME AND WATCHING TV. (Caps were used to emphasize my point…to myself.)

Oh well. At least I know I don’t need the 4,327 calorie snack I’ve been downing to get over the lonely blues. One episode of Ace of Cakes should do the trick.

Leave your own overheard convos in the comments.]

A man and woman are speaking. The man gets down on one knee:

“I’m not your father,” he says.

“… so then Grandpa just started breaking all the furniture!”

“Yeah, this is why we can’t have a dog.”

“Going to Dunkin’ Donuts. You want anything?”

“Yeah, get me some Dunkaroos.”

“Dude? Really?”

Furious 12-year old girl: “Seriously, the reason critics didn’t like the Twilight movie was because it wasn’t true to the book!”

“Becky got Snorlaxed last night.”

“What?”

“Her roommate sat on her while she was sleeping.”

“Oh.”

“You flip omelettes so gracefully.”

“Shut up, you big vagina-nuts!”

“Hey, can you recycle Nerf darts?”

“I don’t know, just throw them in anyway.”

“All right, guys, I’m gonna have to come in there, you’re being way too loud… oh. Toy Story 2? Fine. Fine, you’re not in trouble.”

“Boxed wine tastes like boogers.”

“Hey, f**k you!”

“Can anybody explain the process of fermentation?”

“Asexual or sexual?”

“Oh my God, I’m so sorry. I thought you were my cat.”

I know what I’m asking for this Christmas! Lord knows I need some practice before my real cat lady days set in. Sigh.

Must buy cats.

And then fear washes over us as we realize that we might one day become this woman. God save us.

That random question headlines an even odder website, stuffonmycat.com.

What is this website all about? Well, it’s a little place in cyberspace dedicated to pictures of cats with stuff on them. Cats with teacups on them, cats with shoes on them, cats with baby clothes on them…just pictures and pictures of cats covered in stuff.

It sounds strange, but once you go there, you’ll find it hard to look away. Most of the cats are adorable. Some are freaky. All of them have owners who have found time to throw things on top of them.

Lest you think stuffonmycat.com is a passing fad, the website has been mentioned in The Washington Post, Elle Girl, and GQ magazine (among others) and gets an average of 50 comments a day on a single post. There are also Stuffonmycat calendars, mousepads, sweatshirts, postcards, and a glossy coffee table book.

What are we dealing with here? Why is this site so popular?

Who knows. It could be the randomness of the idea (their tagline: stuff + cats = awesome), the cuteness of the cats, or the thought of being semi-famous yourself when a picture of your cat one day appears. Whatever the equation, stuffonmycat.com has been saved in my Favorites List for years, and I have no explanation as to why.