It’s the most wonderful time of the year, when gorgeous models prance around in next to nothing on network television…yes, I’m talking about the Victoria Secret Annual Fashion Show! Instead of getting insecure and feeling badly about myself while watching abnormally beautiful people on CBS this upcoming Tuesday night, I’ve decided to embrace the female parade in a few ways.

Recognize it as a holiday tradition. The transformation of shopping malls into lands of holiday consumerism happens every year, whether we participate in Black Friday outdoor sleepovers and Wal-Mart pepper spray raids or otherwise. The fashion show is part of the scheduled televised rituals of the holiday: watching a football game and the Macy’s Parade on Thanksgiving Day. There’s no need to fight it — it’s free. It’s simply a time to indulge in fantasy, to look at pretty people, watch fun performances and laugh at crazy costumes. Kind of like Halloween, but less scary. Or sloppy.

Watch Jay-Z, Kanye West, Nicki Minaj and Adam Levine. For those who usually avoid this TV special like the plague, it’s not just a fashion show — it’s a concert, too. Think of it as a star-studded music special with really pretty people walking around. As a mainstream music fan who sits unsatisfied by Levine’s double performance at the AMAs and has yet to grab tickets to the Watch the Throne tour, consider me tuned in.

Organize a cathartic potluck. Yes, I know some people we just got finished digesting our Thanksgiving meals…and there are those leftovers in the fridge…but when I realize that the poor (metaphorically, of course) models have been working out for months, starving themselves for days and dehydrating themselves for a few too many hours, I get a little bit sad. And it’s only appropriate to watch the show while indulging in the most decadent foods that my friends and I can cook. I’m talking junk food, cupcakes and Fat Tuesday-style margaritas.

Turn it into a drinking game. Whenever a model winks at the camera, whenever a Victoria’s Secret ad airs during the commercial break. The drinking must continue the entire time that the Miranda Kerr and her $2.5 million dollar Fantasy Treasure bra are onscreen. I doubt anyone will fall on the air, but be prepared, just in case.

Think about it as a public service announcement. Unfortunately, the economy hasn’t leveled out to where it used to be just yet, and every dollar we spend is still a contribution to keeping the consumerism wheel turning. So though this TV special might make some people feel badly about themselves enough to buy something from Victoria’s Secret — or anywhere, really — it’s for the greater good of everyone. The special doesn’t even advertise certain products in particular; the name of the bras walking down the runway aren’t explicitly publicized for viewers to purchase them at their local malls. But it does get people to generally continue spending after Black Friday AND Cyber Monday, that’s all.

Get a head start on making New Year’s resolutions. Because damn, it still does make you want to work out. Eventually. I mean, 2012 is still weeks away.

Check out our FAVORITE photos from past shows. They’re WTF. They’re Ridiculous. And they’re awesome.

First off, if he’s an “Internet billionaire” (whatever that means), why would he be moving in with Alan and Jake? Usually billionaires don’t need to have roommates… unless you’re a billionaire like Mark Zuckerberg who has hundreds of billions of dollars but was living in a modest, run-down house up until recently.

Second off, the last we heard from the show before the “bi-winning” days was that Charlie was sneaking away to Paris with some girl with the intention of proposing to her… perhaps Walden is the girl’s ex-boyfriend or something? Unless his “heartbreak” can be somehow tied to the series, I don’t seen how viewers will be able to connect with the new character.

Or maybe the addition of Ashton to the cast was just a way for the show to widen it’s audience. Personally, I’ve only seen the show a few times simply because the cast never really appealed to me, but replacing Sheen with Kutcher might incline me to give the show another chance (if only for the fact that I can’t get enough of Ashton’s typecast “bad boy” attitude).

And it’s a little crazy- even though he’s 33, he still doesn’t look a day over 26. Not to mention, the boy who used to be considered the “and a half” is almost 18. Maybe they’ll end up changing the name of the show to One Man, One Hot Guy Who’s Been Playing the Same Roles for 10 Years, and One Teenager Who’s Almost Legal. I know I’d watch a show with a name like that…

So I have to wonder how and why CBS is sitting idly by as story after horrific story surfaces about their golden child.

Okay, so we all know Charlie Sheen isn’t really the best role model and as a grown man, he shouldn’t have to be. It’s not like little 10-year-old girls are looking up to him. But wait, they are! Charlie stars in the number one family show on a family network. A show that families watch together, children and all. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist (or a TV executive) to realize it might be a bit of a problem to have a man who is famous for benders with 5 ‘escorts’ to maintain his starring role.

But CBS isn’t pulling him. In fact, they’ve announced that they will be shooting the show around when Charlie is high on coke and when he isn’t. (Well, not in so many words, but that’s the gist of it.) Way to be flexible, CBS.

But this is about more than CBS rewarding Sheen’s behavior with oodles and oodles of money and fame. Charlie has a real problem and it’s been going on since 1990 when he shot his fiancée in the arm. (True story.) From failed marriages to hospitalizations, the guy’s personal life is in shambles and he continues to put himself in danger.

So why hasn’t Sheen gotten the wake up call he oh-so needs? Why hasn’t CBS stepped in and tried to help? Why are we continuing to berate the likes of Miley Cyrus for smoking a LEGAL drug or the cast of ‘Glee’ for taking some “racy” pictures, yet saying nothing about the terrible message Charlie Sheen and CBS are sending to the world that you can mess up as many times as you want and there will be no repercussions?

Before the hate comments start to roll in, I will give Sheen props (although I say that through clenched teeth) for making an effort and going into rehab. That is a huge step for someone with a drug addiction.  But the whole letting Charlie slide under the radar for the stuff he’s pulling has got to stop. And if Charlie doesn’t have family or friends to help him through it, then it’s up to CBS to push him in the right direction. Anyone who’s ever seen an episode of ‘Intervention’ knows an addict needs to hit rock bottom before they’ll agree to help themselves, so maybe it’s time those CBS execs caught an episode and learned a few things. Maybe it’s time they created that rock bottom for Charlie. Maybe it’s time they tell him that he needs to get his act together or he’ll lose his job. Maybe it’s time they stop rewarding his bad behavior with bigger paychecks and a more flexible shooting schedule.

Maybe it’s time that they stop thinking about the ratings and the money for a moment and actually take care of someone who can’t take care of himself.

If fantasy football is a good enough reason for guys to disappear for days on end, then I hereby give you permission to set aside the textbooks and turn off your cell phone for what is going to be the greatest (and most stressful) week of TV all year. It seems like every. freaking. show. on TV is premiering this week. Not sure how you’re going to fit it all in??

Brace yourselves, I’m about to outline the next five days’ worth of what to watch, what to TiVo, and what to skip altogether.  Oh, and all new shows are linked to their previews so you can decide for yourself!

Good luck. And thank god for Hulu.

Monday, September 20

8:00

Dancing with the Stars (ABC)
Is it even possible not to watch this season’s train wreck assembly of contestants foxtrot their way to faux-fame?  TiVo so you can skip the commercials!
House (Fox)
Chuck (NBC)
How I Met Your Mother (CBS)
If you’re like me and have been going through Barney Stinson withdrawal through the whole, long summer then be sure to watch HIMYM live.

8:30

Rules of Engagement (CBS)

9:00

Lone Star (Fox) New Show (and uber hottie) Alert!
The Event (NBC) New Show Alert!
Looks like this is going to be the new trendy conspiracy show of the season.  Watch it live so you’re up on all the plot twists in case everyone’s talking about this one come Tuesday.
Two and a Half Men (CBS)
Charlie Sheen, go home.  Skip this one, in the name of wife-beaters everywhere!

9:30

Mike & Molly (CBS) New Show Alert!

10:00

Castle (ABC)
Chase (NBC) New Show Alert!
If you like cop dramas and girl power, hit record on this new show featuring a badass assortment of U.S. Marshals…and Jesse Metcalfe.
Hawaii Five-0 (CBS) New Show Alert!

Tuesday, September 21

8:00

Glee (Fox)
If you don’t watch this one live, I can’t even speak to you.  Grab a big bowl of popcorn and get ready to sing your heart out.  Glee’s back!!
The Biggest Loser (NBC)
NCIS (CBS)

9:00

Raising Hope (Fox) New Show Alert!
There’s a cute baby, so isn’t that an instant reason to TiVo?
NCIS: Los Angeles (CBS)

9:30

Running Wilde (Fox) New Show Alert!
Since I love Keri Russell, I want to like this show.  But it looks a little stupid.  Set to record and watch it when you’re bored/hungover.

10:00

Detroit 1-8-7 (ABC) New Show Alert!
It’s about time for a cop show outside of NY/Miami/LA. And who needs cops more than Detroit? This is the perfect option to fill the void left by the original Law and Order. <Moment of silence>

Wednesday, September 22

8:00

Hell’s Kitchen (Fox)
The Middle (ABC)
Undercovers (NBC) New Show Alert!
Seemingly normal couple revert back to their previous lifestyle as undercover agents.  They then coin the term “sexspionage”.  Eh, I’d watch it.

8:30

Better With You (ABC) New Show Alert!
TiVo because the mom from That 70s Show has finally found a new home on TV!

9:00

Law & Order: SVU (NBC)
Criminal Minds (CBS)
Modern Family (ABC)
Yes, yes, yes.  I know, it’s brilliant and funny.  Watch it live for sure.

9:30

Cougar Town (ABC)
Totally underrated. Yeah, I said it. Plus, Jennifer Aniston is guest starring. Record it for those mid-afternoon breaks when the only thing on TV is old episodes of Gilmore Girls…which you’ve already seen 3 times.

10:00

The Whole Truth (ABC) New Show Alert!
The Defenders (CBS) New Show Alert!

Thursday, September 23

8:00

My Generation (ABC) New Show Alert!
This one looks like it could either be really great or really horrible.  Set it to record and make up your mind later.
Bones (Fox)
Community (NBC)
It’s baaaaack!  One to watch live, for sure.
The Big Bang Theory (CBS)

8:30

30 Rock (NBC)
S#*! My Dad Says (CBS) New Show Alert!
I for one am totally dying to know what kind of S#*! is going to go down on this sure-to-be-hysterical show.  If you loved the original Twitter account of the same name, this is one to record.

9:00

Fringe (Fox)
Grey’s Anatomy (ABC)
With last season’s crazy finale, do you really want to take your chances on the TiVo malfunctioning and not watch the new Grey’s live?  Or worse, saving it for later and having it all ruined for you by your status-happy girlfriend? Get real.
The Office (NBC)
CSI (CBS)

9:30

Outsourced (NBC) New Show Alert!

10:00

Private Practice (ABC)
The Mentalist (CBS)

Friday, September 24

8:00

Smallville (CW)
Medium (CBS)

9:00

The Good Guys (Fox)
Supernatural (CW)
Dateline (NBC)
CSI: NY (CBS)

10:00

20/20 (ABC)
Blue Bloods (CBS) New Show Alert!
Tom Selleck, for the win.  If you’ve got nothing else to do than marvel at a glorious mustache and take in yet another cop drama, then by all means.  But really, I’d advise just leaving a little earlier for the frat parties.  Nothing you need to see here.

There are some things you learn in life (and in textbooks) that you never forget.

We went to the moon in 1969.
Plants live by converting sunlight into energy through the process of photosynthesis.
Cows have four stomachs.

All of those things are important to know if you want to pass that middle school test, but when it comes to the real stuff – the life lessons – textbooks don’t hold a candle to TV. Yes, I’m serious.

TV – even the crappiest of the crappy reality shows – has taught me some invaluable lessons about life and the world. Things you can’t get from a 2 hour Intro to Biology lecture or a 4-credit History of English course. Below are a few of the greatest lessons I’ve learned from my nights spent on the couch, chips and salsa in hand.

One Tree Hill taught me: Never get married at 16, never shoot your brother, and never hire a hot nanny.

The Office taught me: Sometimes our superiors are inferior and we just have to deal with it.

One Big Happy Family taught me: It’s possible to be fat and happy, as long as you don’t mind breaking a chair on national television.

Teen Mom taught me: Use condoms. DUH.

The OC taught me: To give Jewish boys a chance.

Lost taught me: When you encounter a hatch, creepy cabin, or force field, do not go inside.

Friday Night Lights taught me: Explosions In The Sky always sets the mood… for football games, and for, uh, other things as well.

The Bachelor taught me: Pretty girls are crazy.

Desperate Housewives taught me: No one is off limits; not even your plumber, ex-husband, or neighbor.

How I Met Your Mother taught me: Awesome X Awesome = Awesome Squared.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson taught me: Things always sound dirtier when you say them in a British accent. “Would you like a banana?” (See??)

Late Show with David Letterman taught me: Never sleep with someone you work with… unless you’re a late night talk show host.

The Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien taught me: NBC sucks.

Real World taught me: Being a stereotype will actually get you far in life. If being on a reality show is considered “far.”

Friends taught me: “We were on a break” is not a valid excuse for anything.

Thank you, cable television, for guiding me through life. I don’t know where I’d be without you. And after watching Lost, I don’t even want to think about it.

Even if, at the time, I didn’t know what was going on, I came to develop a passion (shared with me by my grandmother and father) for late night. I’ve seen dozens of episodes of Johnny Carson, while my peers barely know his name, and hundreds upon hundreds of episodes of Letterman. They were beloved figures in my household. As I grew up, I became partial to Conan during high school. I would stay up past my bedtime with my sister, skimming right over Leno to catch me some Conan O’Brien.

As time went on, the natural progression of things began to unfold. Leno’s time was coming to a close and he turned the coveted 11:35 spot over to Conan. However, instead of bowing out gracefully, NBC decided to cut their high-budget dramas at 10:00 and replace it with “The Leno Show.” Um, okay…?

And now, after only giving Conan a few months in this new time slot and after altering the nighttime lineup, they’re making an executive decision to move “The Jay Leno Show” to 11:35 and bump “The Tonight Show” to 12:05.

And this is pissing a lot of people off. Namely, ME.

First of all, “The Tonight Show” does not belong in that time slot and never has. It’s always been at 11:35 and shouldn’t be moved just to appease some old guy with a big chin. And let’s take a moment to note that Conan was never even given a fair chance with his “Tonight Show” gig due to the nighttime lineup changing to FIT LENO AT A 10 PM TIMESLOT. Leno should’ve retired and truly handed the reins to Conan. Who does he think he is? Brett Favre?

Leno and NBC both have screwed up the natural progression of the “Tonight Show.” The whole thing is so effed at this point that perhaps it would be better to focus on Letterman’s “Late Show” which is better anyway. Conan can leave NBC, collect his cool 50 million and in a few years, Letterman does what is right and passes the “Late Show” onto Conan while Leno crashes and burns when all his fans kick it due to health complications after all the KFC and Domino’s they’ve been eating in their trailer parks (or wherever Leno fans exist… I’m a little unclear on this).

[Breathe]

Last night I was venting my frustrations to one of my best friends. She doesn’t even own a television and cringes whenever I bring up Jersey Shore or any other pop culture phenomenons. She couldn’t quite wrap her head around it all, particularly NBC’s loyalty to Leno. So I explained it to her the only way I knew how. By relating it all to relationships, sex and some mild alcohol abuse.

NBC falls into a relationship (“Tonight Show”) with Leno. Perhaps Leno wooed NBC with his chin or fancy cars, but whatever the case may be, NBC and Leno are a pretty serious item. Years later Leno and NBC break up and NBC starts a relationship with Conan O’Brien, that lovable awkward redhead. However, NBC is still sleeping with their ex on the side. You know, maybe Leno’s getting drunk and feeding NBC lines like, “I love you and I love BEING with you, I just really don’t want a relationship right now.” NBC keeps dating Conan, but, hark, overhears that Leno might want a relationship AGAIN, if given a second chance (“Oh babe, we can try and make this work!”). And NBC goes back to him, thus leaving Conan alone to eat brownie batter out of a bowl while watching The Notebook.

Hitting a little closer to home to anyone?

It’s sad to think that the “Tonight Show” has been to reduced to “The Jay Leno and Corporate NBC Show” and subsequently lost all the credibility that Carson gave to it. I’m not really sure what’s going to happen now (rumor has it even Jay is gonna bounce on NBC. Boo hoo), but I know for sure that no matter what happens, I would rather watch reruns of Real World on MTV than get my late night fix from Jimmy Fallon.

* Bad Mother’s Handbook – ABC – (premires: Midseason) With a cast that includes Megan Mullally, Alicia Silverstone, and Arrested Development‘s Alia Shawkat, there is the potential for this comedy to either turn out okay or really, really suck. Mullally has Will and Grace, but she also has that horrible talk show that failed harder than Jessica Simpson’s country album. Silverstone has Clueless and she loves animals, but she’s also made a boatload of horrible movies. Based on the title, I’d say we have a situation comedy where Mullally predictably plays a hard drinking, irresponsible mother, and Silverstone plays her lovable and cheerful daughter. Hijinks ensue. Hijinks that will probably go on for about 5 episodes before getting the ax.

Gary Unmarried – CBS – (premieres: Wednesday, Sept. 24, 8:30 pm/ET) Jay Mohr and Paula Marshall (??) no doubt play either a husband and wife, a divorced-yet-still-talking husband and wife, or a shticky guy who can’t find a mate and his ever reliant best female friend. Jay Mohr tends to be funny 20% of the time. I have no idea who Paula Marshall is. And I’m so freaking tired of comedies where it’s all about finding a significant other. I predict maximum suckage and cancellation after 2 episodes.

My Own Worst Enemy – NBC – (premieres: Monday, Oct. 13, 10 pm/ET) Christian Slater is back and freshly botoxed. I have to bend the rules here a bit because I’ve seen a preview for this show every three seconds and it seems like CSlate plays a fuddy duddy dad and ALSO a secret spy killing machine — two personalities in one body! NBC tends to have pretty good taste, and I can’t deny that I’ll personally be tuning in for the first episode out of sheer Slater curiosity, so I give this show at least 10 eps before it gets the ax — if it gets the ax at all.

Privileged – CW – (premieres: Tuesday, Sept. 9, 9 pm/ET) Anne Archer is the only person with a vaguely recognizable name in this totally obvious rip-off of Gossip Girl and The OC. Poor smart chick descends into the decadence of other rich chicks. Lots of couture name dropping. If people even remember this show is on, I’m guessing it’ll be axed before the end credits roll. There’s only room for one highly sexualized teenage romp-fest on the CW, bitch.

Do Not Disturb – Fox – (premieres: Wednesday, Sept. 10, 9:30 pm/ET) Jerry O’Connell and that hilarious woman from Clean House and Reno 911 (Niecy Nash) obviously duke it out all uptight-white-guy and sassy-black-woman style. I pray for both of them that this situation comedy works, but the idea is so old and frankly played out I sort of doubt it. Is it really news to anyone that uptight whiteness and sassy blackness tends to clash? At least on TV? Niecy, I love you, but unless you have some kind of Hail Mary sassy blackness surprise going on, I foresee cancellation after episode 3.

Honorable nostalgia mention: Knight Rider (premieres: Wednesday, Sept. 24, 8 pm/ET on NBC) I think most people will tune in because they want to see if this thing can actually work without the Hoff. Plus, I hear Val Kilmer is the voice of KIT, and even though his body looks like a lump of melted wax these days, his voice has always been mischievously sexy.

Honorable Dawson’s Creek mention: Fringe (premieres: Tuesday, Sept. 9, 9 pm/ET on Fox) Pacey works it in this sci-fi drama. I’m not a fan of sci-fi, but I’ll watch just to see how Joshua Jackson, the perpetual teenager, looks in his late 30′s.

Honorable Fierce Costume mention: Life on Mars (premieres: Thursday, Oct. 9, 10 pm/ET). Fab 70′s camera work and vintage style, plus Harvey Keitel and Michael Imperioli? If I have to make this show succeed all by myself, I will.

[What new shows are you excited for??]

Ryan, if you would just date me, you would have no home to wreck!

Caution, triathlons may kill you

Dunkin’ Donuts gets healthyish...

This list is stupid

Spanx are actually…kind of…not the healthiest body image idea

Americans hate fat people.

Kutcher VS Timberlake: Who’s the biggest douche?

Make fun of yourself. I dig it

The grey area of sexual responsibility

Why does Hollywood insist on remakes?

The cast members on CBS’s Big Brother — OH MY GOD THIS IS SO SCARY!! — survive yesterday’s earthquake

As I’m writing this, Ali Gilmore has been missing for 799 days, 15 hours, and 43 minutes according to the website dedicated to finding the missing pregnant woman.

Her disappearance was one of the bigger news stories in Tallahassee, FL for a couple of months, with fairly consistent news reports about the continuing search for her whereabouts and billboards all around town with phone numbers to call with any pertinent information about her disappearance. The case even got some national exposure, appearing on Dateline, MSNBC, the Montel Williams Show, and Nancy Grace among others. The reward was and still is $30,000, but absolutely nothing has been found in the two years that she has been missing.

With all of the coverage surrounding the so-called “Marine Murders” and even the story of Laci Peterson’s murder a couple of years ago, reports of missing or murdered pregnant women have been surfacing more and more and the news exposure has been increasing exponentially. But, as a recent story by CBS news reports, the stories getting the widest exposure aren’t indicative of the real statistics of maternal homicide victims.

They quote a statistic from the CDC that black women like Ali Gilmore have, “a maternal homicide risk about seven times that of white women. Black women ages 25-29 are about 11 times more likely as white women in that age group to be murdered while pregnant or in the year after childbirth.”

The CBS article brings up two very important issues: 1. Why is there racially disproportionate reporting on the subject of maternal homicide and 2. Why does there seem to be such an alarming number of maternal homicide incidents in the first place?

Websites and blogs like blackandmissing.blogspot.com have been trying to take up the slack, as it were, in media exposure for missing and murdered African Americans but its sad that there was such a dearth in reporting that a website like Blackandmissing had to be created in the first place. If the news reported on every black missing pregnant woman they’d have no time to discuss the minutiae of Paris Hilton’s life.

CBS quotes a very disheartening statistic from the National Domestic Violence Hotline, that “ 324,000 women each year experience intimate partner violence during their pregnancy” and the CDC estimates that 4-8 percent of pregnant women in the U.S. are abused by their significant other. Women are more vulnerable when they are pregnant, less likely or able to defend themselves if they are in an abusive relationship and so they are more susceptible to violence.

Media coverage about the disappearance of Ali Gilmore has all but stopped in Tallahassee and in the nation at large and it will continue to stay that way until any more information surfaces. It is fairly understandable; when a case reaches a wall as this one seems to have done, it becomes a sort of waiting game. But it makes one wonder; if this case had been given the widespread and continued coverage of a Laci Peterson, would we still be looking for Ali Gilmore 799 days, 15 hours, and 43 minutes after her disappearance?

In case you don’t know, winning a Grammy is sort of similar to winning the superlative for “like the most coolest, most awesome, most fabulous person EVER!!!” in your 12th grade yearbook.

The Grammy Award is one of, if not the most prestigious award to win in music. Unlike the American Music Awards or MTV’s Video Music Awards, feathered boas and pasties aren’t exactly appropriate attire. Artists don their Lorraine Schwartz jewels and their vintage haute-couture gowns and put their classiest act forward.

So naturally, when I read that Amy Winehouse is up for six Grammy noms (including both record and album of the year), one must wonder how a girl who is too drugged out to function will manage to:

a) Dress appropriately

b) Give a speech in the event that she wins

c) Actually show up (and not be totally obliterated)

The Grammy’s just got so much more exciting don’t you think??

Kanye is leading the pack with 8 nominations, and others up for awards include Justin Timberlake (What Goes Around Comes Around), Beyonce (Irreplaceable), Rhianna (Umbrella-ella… that song is STILL in my head) and Plain White T’s (Hey There Delilah… and that song STILL annoys me).

For a full list of Grammy nominees click here Tune in to CBS on February 10th 2008 to see the show. Since this year marks the Grammy’s 50th, expect to see some amazing tributes and performances… and perhaps a highly entertaining speech from Ms. Rehab herself.