When you go to a party, does an entourage of hair stylists, make-up artists and stylists come to your house to get you ready? No? We are all such common folk. It kills me that celebs get tons of cool stuff like dresses and jewelry for free (even though they make a trillion dollars a year), and they get to go to fancy restaurants every night. I am so jealous of the celeb lifestyle. But NOW I’m even jealous of the celebrity baby lifestyle. A celebrity kid’s wardrobe probably costs more than my car. And now, their nurseries put my tiny apartment to shame.  Guess which celebrity baby’s nursery is bigger than your house?

How can you be jealous of someone who hasn’t even entered this world yet? Well, it’s not hard when they have a shot at the genes of some of the most talented, good looking looking and successful celebrities of Hollywood. I’m even giving the stink eye to the spawn of Mariah and Nick Cannon; they’ve got a shot at Mariah’s talented vocals and good looks and, well, Nick Cannon’s, um..well, I’m sure he brings something to the relationship.

With the baby boom hitting Hollywood hard, it’s getting pretty difficult to ignore it. Although NBC is doing their darndest by covering stomachs with big purses and over sized flannel shirts. Good work, execs. Though it’s not their fault their stars are getting a little freaky when the cameras are off. At least I hope the cameras are off.

Back to the point: How great would it be to be a celebu-spawn! I mean, minus the instant paparazzi you’ll attract and the unrealistic expectations the world will have for you. But beyond that, the loving family, the gene pool, the endless funds, the connections…did I mention the gene pool? It seems almost too good to be true, which is why I’m green with envy for these soon-to-be Hollywood babies.

With the birth of Ashlee Simpson’s Bronx Mowgali and now Lisa Bonet’s Nakoa-Wolf Manakauapo Namakaeha Momoa, the race is on for celebrities to come up with the most nonsensical baby names. There are no rules but previous names suggest it should involve no less than three abstract nouns, two hyphens, and one undesirable location (and a voucher for a lifetime’s worth of therapy).Here are my predictions for the top five upcoming celebrity baby names for 2009:

(Inspirations include: Pilot Inspektor, Kyd, Apple – which almost seems normal now – Sage Moonblood, Blanket, and Audio Science.)

1. Rosebud Rochester

2. Hola-Adios Grace

3. ObAmA 2009

4. Eggplant

5. Busdriver Mulan

What are some others???

(Extra points for mundane occupations, intentional misspellings, and absolute unpronouncability)

I am as obsessed with celebrity news as the next person; I am constantly perusing PerezHilton.com, TMZ.com, and all the other gossip pages, to read up on celeb news. I’m the first one to answer all the Pop Culture questions right at Trivia Night, and I thrive on reading the most intimate details of fights, breakups and love triangles of those we adorn from afar.

But even I, as much of a celeb-session that I have, do not think it’s appropriate to showcase your one month old child on the cover of US Weekly, People, In Touch, OK! or others, bartering with various publications for who will pay the most for the first pics of the new bebe.

In an article by Forbes Magazine, the topic of celebrity baby pictures – and the outlandish prices – was addressed. According to reports, JLo and Marc Anthony were paid $6 million from People Magazine for the first shots of the twins. $6 million?! For baby photos?! That’s more than I’ll make in a lifetime – hey, that’s more than everyone I know combined will make in a life time!

While I think it’s ridiculous to pull figures for your children, at least, if you do it, be charitable about it. Take the famous Brangelina couple, who, at the birth of Shiloh in 2006, were paid $4.1 million by People for the pics, all of which they donated entirely to an African charity. Okay so, still not the best idea to pimp out your kid for some dough, but at least, if you’re going to do it (which they all are – can we guess how much Ashlee & Pete will get???), they did it with some class. Read More »

Okay, I’m gonna go ahead and say it. I’m really going to say it. I hope god doesn’t strike me down with a thousand lightening bolts…he might. I can’t be sure. But I’ll say it anyway:

I’m so over Brad and Angie.

What?! I know. Am I a horrible spawn of Satan? Some kind of weird robot without the capacity to love? Maybe a Russian spy…

Or maybe, just maybe, I have the good sense to call it like I see it. Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are over-exposed. Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are humans who have fabulous, expensive publicists to make them sound like badass, ordaned angels. They’re adopting a lot of kids really fast — but they have fabulous, expensive nannies to help them every waking moment of the day. Their acting abilities waver from pretty good (Girl, Interrupted and Fight Club) to snore-inducing unbelievable (Taking Lives and Troy). And lastly…no one in the media has any balls when it comes time to interview them. Read More »