People

Perpetually single girl that I am, I am in desperate need of a boy to kiss at midnight on New Year’s Eve. And if I’m going to dream, I might as well dream big, right?

Ten guys. One wish.

To kiss them all on New Year’s Eve.

10. Taylor Lautner. If he agrees to kiss me at midnight, I won’t even write a song about him afterward. Promise. (Sorry T.Swift, I just couldn’t resist. I actually really like “Back to December.”  Honest.)

9. Eric Dane. McSteamy. McHottie. Whatever you want to call him, he’s McKissable. Just ask the Seattle Grace Nurses. Or Lexie Grey. Or even Bradley Cooper. (What? You haven’t seen Valentine’s Day?)

8. Matthew Morrison. Yes, I know he’s the teacher from Glee. But I’d like to remind everyone of that Rocky Horror episode, you know, the one when Schuester took off his shirt and started singing “Touch-a, Touch-a, Touch-a, Touch Me” …Yep. I thought so.

7. Chace Crawford. Come on now, ladies, did you really think I was going to get through an entire Weekly Ten without mentioning Gossip Girl? Shame on you! Nate has earned his rightful place on this list. In fact he’s actually locked lips with every one of the lovely ladies of Gossip Girl except for Lily VanderWoodsen/Bass/Humphrey, and I think that might only be because he can’t remember her entire last name. My last name, though? It doesn’t matter. These lips are ready for some smoochin’.

6. Bradley Cooper. I saw this guy way back when in He’s Just Not That Into You. But it wasn’t until The Hangover that I actually fell in love with him. I think it was the hair. Or the aviators. Or the…slightly tattered shirt and gorgeous eyes. Ahem…moving on.

5. Jesse Williams. A year later, and I’m still hung up on that kiss between Jackson and Cristina. And well, if that’s not enough to convince you that he should be on this list then you should check out that episode where he goes shirtless to get ahead at work. It doesn’t actually work on Dr. Altman, but I assure you that it totally would have worked on me.

4. Jake Gyllenhaal. I haven’t actually seen Love and Other Drugs yet, but the promo is proof enough to me. Also, I am unreasonably jealous of Anne Hathaway.

3. Ian Somerhalder. I know what you’re thinking, the guy from Vampire Diaries, really Jenn, come on now. Laugh all you want, but Ian somerhalder, aka Smolderhotter is no Edward Cullen. Need some proof? Check out this scene. And this one. Then get back to me. If you’re still coherent, that is.

2. Ryan Gosling. I’m sorry. Have you not been paying attention to your Weekly Ten? That kiss will go down in chick flick history, ladies. But as much as I love Noah an Allie’s kiss, I think I’m actually way more partial to Ryan and Rachel’s smooch. Ryan, if you’re reading this, you’ll be making my teeny bopper dreams come true if we were to reenact that at midnight in Times Square. Please?

1. Ryan Reynolds. I’ll admit that I was actually a little bit upset when I found out that he and Scarlett Johansson had supposedly split. But then, then I realized that this only increased my chances of kissing my top pick on New Year’s Eve. Now I just have to find out where he’s going to be, get in, get past his security detail and pounce on him right as the clock strikes twelve. If you’ll excuse me I need to go work out these details.

[Check out Jenn's other musings-in-the-form-of-a-list here.]

This week I’d like to dedicate this post to Chelsea Handler, who despite flubbing some punchlines at the VMAs, is still totally awesome.

That being said, this week has been filled with a lot of post-VMA talk over T-Swift’s downer of a diary entry, Biebs owning it, Rihanna’s red hair, and Kanye’s ode to douchelords. Kanye’s song (and sick gold necklace) rocked, by the way. Just sayin’. Anyway, there were some non-VMA related things that happened so let’s break it down.

Big Mac (and a milkshake)

1. Shelley Malil, that guy from 40-Year-Old Virgin, has been found guilty of attempted murder. He’s facing 21 years to life for the premeditated attempted murder of his ex-girlfriend, Kendra Beebe. Shelley pled not guilty and claims he accidentally stabbed her (over 20 times) because he thought it was someone else trying to attack him. Mmmmk.

2.Watch out world – Speidi’s back! We all speculated that their “divorce” was a publicity stunt, but now the two claim they’ve reignited that special flame. (And how they did that when Satan Pratt is sporting a giant pube beard I’ll never know.) Wondering what this duo has been up to? Well, they were reportedly renting a home in Malibu this summer, made a bunch of renovations without telling the owner, and then hopped over to Costa Rica where Spencer got arrested last week on weapon charges. I guess congrats for saving your marriage?

4. Bob Barker fainted at a shooting range! Thankfully he’s OK! (And didn’t shoot anyone in the face on the way down. Hear that, Cheney?!) The 86-year-old Price Is Right host was taken to the hospital for dehydration. He’s taking it easy at home. Goodness gracious, Bob! Don’t scare us like that!

5. Joaquin Phoenix is a jokester! Remember when Joaquin said he was quitting acting to become a rapper? Well, according to the director of his documentary, Casey Affleck, it was a hoax! I’m Still Here follows Joaquin as he tries to break into the hip hop world, but the duo behind the project claim they “never intended to trick anybody.” Joaquin played this character on and off screen, even when he did interviews, for two full years. This has to be the longest running prank ever and makes Ashton Kutcher’s Punk’d days look like small potatoes.

Kids’ Meal (with apple fries)

1. Are Rachel Bilson and Chace Crawford a couple? The two were spotted out in New York together, but her rep said they aren’t dating and she’s friends with his manager. And didn’t we just hear speculation that Rach is gettin’ down with Jake Gyllenhaal? I think it’s about time she reunited with Hayden Christensen and put an end to all these rumors.

2. Jennifer Hudson keeps dropping the pounds! The Weight Watchers spokeswoman has lost another 20 pounds…the healthy way. Impressive! You’re looking fabulous, J-Hud!

3. David Blaine and fiancee, Alizee Guinochet, are expecting. Congrats! I wonder if Baby Blaine will pull a rabbit out of the womb with him.

4. Natalie Portman’s new movie, Black Swan, is getting tons of Oscar buzz. I’m not surprised – Natalie is a superstar. Although I’m not exactly sure what a ballet thriller is.

5. New Calvin Klein ads. You’re so welcome! DROOL.

Remember that time you fell in love with that baby-faced Canadian kid who got his start on Youtube, that shy vampire actor with the British accent, or that awkward-yet-charming guy from Arrested Development and then everyone else fell in love with them and talked about them every day and they were everywhere you looked and you secretly started praying for their demise?

The celebrity rise from a nobody to an overrated celeb happens so quickly these days that it’s hard to keep track of who you love and who you hate. Thankfully for you, we’ve created (with a little inspiration from Guyism’s 66 Most Overrated Women of 2010) the ultimate list of the 30 most overrated guys in Hollywood right now. In no specific order…

[Click on the pic to get even more of their overrated-ness.]

1. Ed Westwick

In short, this guy has worn one too many fedoras and ascots for me to take him seriously as sexy or even remotely heterosexual. And that weird “I’m trying not to fart” look he always seems to have on his face certainly doesn’t help matters.

2. Orlando Bloom

I never really understood this craze. All I see is a guy with a goatee and long black curls who happened to play the supporting roles of a pirate and an elf in some hit movies. I just don’t get it.

3. Ryan Reynolds

Don’t get me wrong, he’s definitely hot but definitely not hot enough to be married to Scarlett Johansson. And, really, eventually this piece of white bread is gonna rom-com out and then he’ll just be the guy who was in The Proposal with Sandra Bullock.

4. A-Rod

Someone remind me why two of Hollywood’s most gorgeous stars (Cameron Diaz + Kate Hudson) are fighting over this guy? I mean I know he’s a Yankee but other than that, from the sheer looks of him… there must be something I’m missing here. Plus, HE’S RECENTLY BEEN INSIDE OF A WOMAN WHO’S THE SAME AGE AS MY MOTHER. Somehow, that’s just hard for me to overlook.

5. Ken Jeong

Where did this guy come from (besides out of the back of a classic Mercedes, naked)? Sure, he’s funny when other people are writing his lines in The Hangover and on Community, but does he really deserve to share a stage with Ed Helms? Short answer: hell f**king no.

6. Matthew McConaughey

There’s a reason why Chelsea Handler calls this guy “Matthew McCona-gay.” The guy peaked in The Wedding Planner, a movie co-starring J-Lo, and it’s been all downhill from there. We’re all sick of him. He should just do us all a favor: put on a shirt, take a shower and get over himself already.

7. Adrian Grenier

Is it just me or is it hard to take this guy’s supposed sex appeal in Entourage seriously when you know he once starred beside Melissa Joan Hart in that teen film Drive me Crazy?

8. Mario Lopez

Alright, alright I’ll admit it. He has an absolutely insane body but behind those washboard abs and boyish dimples all I see is Slater from Saved By the Bell sitting backwards in a chair in an obscenely psychedelic collared shirt and curly mullet. You can’t fool me, Lopez.

9. Josh Hartnett

I still remember when that whole Hartnett phase was running rampant during his Black Hawk Down days. However, I think pictures like this – along with my dreaded fear that his eyebrows would someday fully connect -stood in the way of me ever fully being on board with the Hartnett love-fest.

10. Ryan Seacrest

Although not altogether bad looking facially, something about a guy needing to wear high heels in order to look even moderately average in height next to me just doesn’t seem to cut it in my book. Definitely not worth his $45 million deal with American Idol.

11. Conan O’Brien

Did you watch Conan on The Tonight Show before NBC canned him? Probably not, hence the reason he got the boot. His ratings were crap and for good reason: his show just wasn’t that good. The guy is funny, yes, but he’d never be getting the international love or giant TBS paycheck if he weren’t involved in the late night scandal of the century.

12. Colin Farrell

From bad boy to boring in record time.  All those illegitimate children and baby mamas killed whatever mojo he had working. Though I’m still trying to figure out what that mojo was.

13. Russell Brand

Bringing us back to a time when teased hair, heavy eyeliner, and open shirts were the height of sophistication, why do we love this guy so much? He should be doing photos for rehab pamphlets, not Katy Perry.  Thumbs down for this quirky Brit.

14. Jonathan Rhys Meyers

Yes, all the nekkid time he gets on The Tudors is more than a little enjoyable, but his performance in Match Point was way too convincing for me.  Why would you be attracted to someone with those crazy eyes?  WHY?

15. Chace Crawford

Aw, isn’t she precious?  If you like your men coiffed, tweezed, rouged, and lip glossed, Chace is your [wo]man. Come on, he should be starring in an episode of Toddlers & Tiaras, not as the Upper East Side’s premier hottie in Gossip Girl.

16. Justin Bieber

I’ve found the cure for Bieber Fever.  It’s called puberty.  Time we all move on to someone old enough to vote.

17. Patrick Dempsey

Ladies, admit it to yourselves: McDreamy is getting McOld (and not in a George Clooney way).  Sure, he was hot in the first season of Grey’s Anatomy.  We were amazed at how he transformed from his awkward ’80s movie phase, how he got his hair under control and put on a little (just a little) muscle.  Now, in 2010, I feel like we’ve seen all the tricks up this doctor’s sleeves.

18. Johnny Depp

How this guy keeps winning People’s “Sexiest Man Alive” I’ll never know. He wears more flannel than I did in 1994 and it seems like it’s been that long since he last stepped foot in a shower.

19. Robert Pattinson

Because a rat’s nest on your head and rumors of body odor are totally sexy.  Not.  I really don’t understand the worldwide fascination with this dude.  What do you see here that’s so appealing?  His face isn’t even symmetrical!

20. Taylor Lautner

Another gorgeous bod, but have you ever heard this guy open his mouth? No? That’s a good thing. There’s just not much goin’ on in there.  He just kind of smiles and stands there while his muscles bulge out of his shirt. Yawn.

21. The Situation

Seriously?  He doesn’t even have a real name. The Situation.  He sounds like Bono or Prince…except totally talentless and worse for the future of our planet than an epic BP oil leak.

22. Michael Cera

He was great in Juno.  And Juno 2.  And Juno 3.  Oh wait, those were different movies?  I want to see this kid doing SWAT team psycho-thrillers or the A-Team 2, then maybe I’ll pay attention again.

23. Zac Efron

He has a knack for dribbling to the beat of a show tune, but Zac’s High School Musical Days are over. And let’s be honest: the only good thing going for him was his pretty blonde hair. Too bad J. Bieber’s got the same do. Ciao, Efron.

24. The Jonas Brothers

Why were they famous in the first place? Just ’cause young Nick Jonas could sing and the other two decided to tag along in tight pants and skinny ties? Much like gyrating 10-year-olds and the phenomenon that is grown men “moving their hips like this,” I blame Miley for this one.

25. Brad Pitt

Brad Pitt used to be a sexy piece of man meat before he cheated on the sweet Jennifer Aniston with homewrecker, Angelina Jolie. Now he just looks like that smelly guy you avoid at Bonaroo.

26. Kellan Lutz

Hot body: check. Uh…erm….what else does this guy have to offer?

27. Ashton Kutcher

So he married a (hot) old lady. Snore. I miss the days when he was making Justin Timberlake cry.

28. Justin Timberlake

He’s the most successful former member of N’SYNC and does the funniest SNL appearances. Which is like saying Lauren Conrad is the smartest girl on The Hills and Kelly Bensimon is the craziest member of The Real Housewives – really, not saying much.

29. Adam Lambert

A weird hybrid of Elton John and Pete Wentz, I just can’t get behind a guy who uses more nail polish, eyeliner and hair product than me. No matter how big his tongue is.

30. Jay-Z

The guy talks. About how rich he is. With music playing in the background. Is that what makes a legendary rap star these days?

Sandra Bullock and Tom Cruise steal the show.

Is Lindsay sitting down with Dr. Drew?

What should you be wearing this season? Nude and black, ladies!

What are your cravings trying to tell you?

Ruh roh, Chace Crawford….

Miley didn’t do anything wrong, y’all.

“Can I share with you my worldview? All of humankind has one thing in common: the sandwich. I believe that all anyone really wants in this life is to sit in peace and eat a sandwich.” –  Liz Lemon, 30 Rock

And that is exactly what I plan to do on this day, National Sandwich Day. Sit in peace and eat my go-to sandwich: the T.B.M sandwich from Cosi. With only a mere three ingredients, this sandwich somehow speaks to my soul and brightens even the darkest of days (no thanks to you, Daylight Savings Time.) If this sandwich was a man, I’d be rolling around in bed with it right now. Hell, maybe I’ll do it anyway.

My love of sandwiches and my love of men run almost parallel to each other on the mathematical graph of my life, intersecting only at the moment someone lets me eat a sandwich and have sex at the same time. That’s the stuff dreams are made of. And until that time comes, I’ve thought up a few sandwich ideas that bring my two weaknesses together.

The “I Love You, Sandwich” Sandwich: A piece of Paul Rudd in between two slices of Jason Segel with a side of honey mustard. Paul is the tried-and-true turkey to Jason’s hesitant-at-first-but-turns-out-to-be-a-party-in-my-mouth avocado. Unstoppable.

Ocean’s 11-Grain Sandwich: George Clooney and Brad Pitt lying neatly between two pieces of multi-grain bread. Let’s face it. George is getting old, bound to be a little gritty. But Brad balances out the sandwich with his smooth and creamy loins texture. Add a little Matt Damon on top for a little extra pop of flavor.

The Knocked-Up Fat Cat: A large submarine sandwich filled with ingredients such as, but not limited to: French fries, mozzarella sticks, chicken fingers, jalapeño poppers, pizza bites, Seth Rogen and Jonah Hill. Because who doesn’t get the munchies from time to time? Maybe you can cut it with the Samurai sword you keep in your room.

The Guilty Pleasure Open-Face Melt: Because there’s nothing I like more than Chace Crawford, Ed Westwick and whole wheel of cheese.  As much as you would like to just say no in the face of temptation, I’d like to see anyone deny these Gossip Girl stars…. especially if they’re covered in gooey, melted, cheesy goodness.

The Sloppy Jack: Grade-A man meat Jack Black is a hot mess. But we love him anyway. It’s obviously going to splatter all over the crotch of your pants, but no one ever cries over spilt Jack Black. I want my Manwich, please!

Spring has sprung and bromance is in the air.

Correct me if I’m wrong, but is there anything hotter than two men who are such good friends they are often confused as lovers? I think not. Maybe it’s because they exhibit the exact characteristics I look for in my own relationships with men. Think about it, guys in bromances are sweet and understanding, they crave intimacy and inside jokes, they use nicknames and share common interests, and they aren’t afraid of affection (even with other men). It’s the perfect relationship – and no need to search for the
right diamond engagement rings or plan a wedding!

Of course I would never get in the way of a bromance. It’s just not my style. But I would have no problem, say, nestling into a bromance sandwich. Why break up the friendship when we can make it a threesome (or in some cases, a bromance orgy starring me)? Unfortunately it may be some time before I end up in the same room as the Apatow hotties, so for now I’ll just have to settle for the hottest bromance gallery of all time. Click on each image to get a full size shot and enjoy!

Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday dear Facebook, Happy Birthday to you!

Nick Lachey comments on his ex’s curvy figure…

No money for meds, we’re saving up for the good stuff!

Borderline soft porn = the sexiest shows on T.V!

And to reiterate why Chesley Sullenberger is better than our boyfriend…

Kate Winslet looks stunning…as usual!

University of Washington attempts to reduce waste…

Why are Blair and Nate kissing? Oh GG! You keep me on my toes!

Cold weather doesn’t mean you can’t look stylish!

Ashton and Demi might have a baby in their future…

Check out Obama’s new ride!

Jenna and Barbara Bush write an open letter to Sasha and Malia.

How does Obama keep so lean and fit? The Barack Obama Diet of course.

Size really does matter in the bedroom.

Aretha Franklin shows us hats are back.

Get free make up!

The Asahi Beerbot makes drinking beer even more fun.

Ed Westwick and Chace Crawford love to keep us guessing.

Senator Kennedy rushed to hospital during Inauguration luncheon.

NBA stars pay tribute to Obama.

Nicole Bridger’s eco-friendly designs aren’t just for hippies.

Kate Winslet confuses her husbands.

Jenny’s resolution, apparently, was to finish high school…but she’s dropped the “Little J” business and makes it her goal to save Nelly from Blair’s Queen Bee squad. She recruits Eric and Nelly to take over the “cool” table, and, since Blair’s having a Bass-induced breakdown, J manages to win the upper hand. Ironically, when Nelly realizes that Jenny has no hope of stealing Blair’s crown, she runs back to the popular kids. Ha, ha, ha. What satire!

Meanwhile, the writers took advantage of GG’s break to make a clean break from Serena’s art-beau, Aaron, who doesn’t even get a sappy break-up scene. (Thank God.) Instead, it seems that S. just flat out left him in Buenos Aires when she realized that Lily and Rufus weren’t shacking up and that she could bang Dan without feeling incestuous. Rufus, of course, is less than happy to find Serena and Dan blissfully happy. Remember last month’s cliffhanger? “Was it a boy or a girl?” We find out that it was a boy, and that Lily put him up for adoption and relinquished her rights to ever search for him, much to Rufus’s dismay.

Chuck, still wallowing in the aftermath of his father’s untimely death, has become a zombie that not even Blair can seem to crack. So, he brings a joint to school and breaks the news to Dan that he has an illegitimate half-brother out there somewhere. Blair remains faithful to her shell of a man-crush, and even tries to act as his guardian when he’s summoned to the office for smoking hash in the hallways (how cute), but then the mysterious new character, Uncle Jack, interrupts and takes responsibility. What does Jack have up his sleeve?

Just before her party, it seems that Blair is ready to wash her hands of Chuck, though she insists, “I’m not abandoning Chuck. I’m just saving myself.” I actually believed her. But I guess when someone almost falls to their death in a drunken stupor, you have to let yourself care again, at least a little.

The ending was sweet, I think, when Chuck finally climbs down and into savior-Blair’s arms, but to me, after all of the “say the words” games we had to suffer through last semester, it was anti-climatic. Especially since a dramatic tension still lingers between Blair and Uncle Jack. Of course, this is the GG style. Wrap up some of the old loose ends (the explanation of Lily’s first kid) and leave a lot of room for the drama to snowball into the inevitable avalanche that will be the season finale.

Welcome back, Upper East Siders. My Monday nights are back! Although…my Chace Crawford cravings have yet to be satisfied.

Okay, every other time I’ve written about screaming at the TV during Gossip Girl is officially taken back. Because tonight was the night for throwing sh*t in the living room during obsessive fits of GG excitement.Warning to fans who missed the episode (and if you did, I hope you had a good excuse – like finding Chace Crawford naked in your dorm after class or something): there will be spoilers in about two seconds. Major. Spoilers.

Before I get to the real juice, can I just ask if anyone else noticed the “dress” Serena wore to Eleanor and Cyrus’ wedding? Girlfriend needed some pants. Or at least the rest of her skirt.

Yes, tonight was a night of new beginnings in the wake of the death of Bart Bass. The funeral prompted Cyrus to ask Eleanor to get hitched ASAP. It prompted Lily and Rufus to plan to admit their love, and for Serena to encourage Lily to run off with Rufus. And it prompted Serena to run off to Buenos Aires with Aaron. And Aaron to tell S. that he’s falling in love with her, which might have been more romantic if it didn’t immediately follow his suggestion that their first time together be in the airplane bathroom.

But seriously, all that is trivial. Tonight was Leighton Meester’s chance to shine, as ALL the good parts centered around Blair.

Obviously, Chuck is a mess after losing his dad. He and Dan have a showdown at the funeral, where a wasted (would we expect anything less?) Chuck tells Dan that Bart’s death was Dan’s fault. It was actually refreshing to see Ed Westwick have a chance to expand his acting range beyond that cold, throaty whisper he always uses. Anyway, Blair is trying to be there for Chuck, and chasing him, and chasing him… and THEN.

Chuck: You are not my girlfriend.

Blair: But I am me. And you are you. Blair and Chuck. Chuck and Blair.

Blair: I will stand by you through anything.

Chuck: Why would you do that?

Blair: Because… I love you.

Chuck: Well, that’s too bad.

Okay, readers and GG fans. Take a minute to scream, throw pillows, jump on furniture. This recap will continue when you’re ready.

Tonight’s ep made waiting for “the words” to come out totally worth it. And Chuck’s douchey response was more than perfect. Wait, why would “Well, that’s too bad” be perfect? Because it sets up the NEXT best scene of the whole CW season. Towards the end of the ep, Blair walks into her bedroom to find Chuck sitting on her bed.

“What are you doing here?” she demands. And he turns to look at her, and looks like total sh*t. And then she holds him. The bitchy Queen B. and the heartless Chuck Bass with tears streaming down his face. Now that, my friends, is teen drama at its finest.

Of course, GG can’t end there. Lily’s mom pays a visit to Rufus, to convince him not to go off with Lily. Though the Blair-Chuck scenario takes the cake by far, the question of what Lily was really doing in that hospital keeps popping up. It seems that Mrs. Van der Woodsen lets the cat out of the bag, in order to convince Rufus to stay away. When Rufus goes to meet Lily, he only has one question. “Was it a boy or a girl?”

I guess since I usually put the old-people plotlines on the backburner, I took it for granted that Lily had probably tried to pull an Eric and kill herself. Was it for an abortion after all? Nice curveball, writers, and just enough of a shocker to get our minds off of Chuck and Blair for a second…

That is, until the ep cuts to Blair, waking up in her bed to a note from Chuck that reads, “I’m sorry for everything. You deserve better. Don’t find me.”

And now we’re expected to wait until January 5, 2009.

Thank you, GG writers. You’ve officially made it impossible for any of us to sit down, crack the books, and get ready for finals.