Oh Shawntel, you just had to go and put Brad on the embalming table, didn’t you?

Last night’s hometown date episode of The Bachelor proved to reveal the very interesting, very…unique…sides of each of the four remaining potential Mrs. Womacks. From Shawntel’s cringe-inducing awkwardness to Chantal’s expanding (food) baby bump, the night was full of unintentionally hysterical twists and turns.

Seattle, WA
Okay, so am I the only one who thinks Chantal is newly sporting a significant gut? She’s not fat, not by any means, but suddenly she’s walking with her stomach pushed out and arms swinging in a monkey-like fashion. Perhaps she caught some National Geographic special on the mating rituals of gorillas and decided to take tips from the Jane Goodalls of the world.  Who knows!

Also, I didn’t previously realize Chantal’s family lives in a replica of the Bachelor mansion. Or that she owns the Mr. Winkle.  (God, she must make a fortune off all those calendars he’s been in.) Brad “I’m in this for the right reasons” Womack was definitely impressed by the posh digs and celebrity canine connections. Now I ain’t sayin’ he’s a gold digger…

Middle of Nowhere/We Love the Honor System, ME
Ashley, your town is bizarre. Your gravy fries are questionable. Your vegetable stands do not make fiscal sense. Your family is bizarre and clearly trying to sell you into marriage. Why is everyone so enthusiastic!?!?

When your father took Brad into his shed/garage/office and gave him the ol’ talkin’ to, I thought for sure he misunderstood the concept of the show.  It looked to me as though he was trying to strike a deal with our bachelor and was one step away from pulling out his checkbook. You don’t want kids? There’s an up-charge for that sh*t. You want to stay in school? Sweeten the pot a little more, Dad.

Finally, Brad thought “si” was the French equivalent of “yes.” Just wanted to point that out. Read More »

You know it’s going to be a long week when the only thing you have to look forward to is the season finale of America’s Next Top Model.

Hypothetically, of course.

The three remaining girls, Saleisha, Chantal, and Jenah, battled it out for the last two spots with a CoverGirl commercial. Jaslene even makes an appearance, looking even manlier than usual, to coach the girls. They all, more or less, did a good job on it, though Mr. Jay did find some time to scold Jenah for letting her insecurity come off as bitchiness.

Pot calling the kettle bitchy, perhaps?

The girls then headed home to have the same “I’m so going home conversation they have before every elimination—the ANTM equivalent of the “I’m so fat,” “No, you’re not. I’m totally fatter.”

It’s Jenah that gets sent home the next day, and I can’t say I’m too distraught over it. I’m a fan of her pictures, but during panel she always looks messy and congested to me. Read More »

The tensions are as high as their heels this week, with four models left competing for the title of America’s Next Top Model.

The girls arrive home to find a note from Tyra telling them that she is sending them to “the great mall of China.” C’mon, that’s pretty clever!

The girls head to the mall in the morning in search of an outfit to recreate the look of one of the four beauties they heard stories about—and this is where some eyebrow-raising model sabotage begins. After wasting time wandering off on the other side of the mall, Bianca runs into Jenah—and gleefully tells her that she just has to check out that area, knowing full well she won’t find much.

Jenah gets back in time to show off her outfit in a casual runway show and gets her sweet revenge by winning the challenge. In addition to getting a dress made especially for her and a friend (Chantal), she also gets one-on-one runway lessons from Miss Jay. We’ll see how those help her if she makes it to the final two!

The next morning, the models head to the Great Wall to be made over into warriors. And their photographer is, drumroll please—Tyra! Is there anything she can’t do? (Oh right: sing, act, make music videos…) Both Chantal and Jenah do well, though Tyra takes issue with Jenah not knowing who she is. “She’s a good model, but who is she?” asks Tyra.

Right, let’s pretend this is a soul searching competition. It’s barely even a modeling competition! Read More »

This week, the girls go on go-sees, which made me hate Saleisha for the first time. She did some major ass-kissing and and just came off really fake. It doesn’t seem like any of the girls do particularly well, and only Bianca and Saleisha make it back from the go-sees on time.

The rest of the girls are disqualified from the challenge for arriving late, so the competition isn’t too tough, but it’s Bianca that wins the challenge.The next morning, the models head over to their photoshoot, where they’re greeted by Mr. Jay, sexy Nigel, and (fake) lions and dragons. The goal is to stand out in a crowd. Is Nigel eligible to win? He’s clearly the prettiest.

Jenah is up first and doesn’t impress me much. Does anyone else think she looked like she looked like an awkward teenager playing dress-up with all that makeup? Saleisha does a decent job, as does Bianca once she finds her groove. Chantal is critiqued for looking like a showgirl, and Heather falls flat as well. Read More »

Put on your skinny jeans—you’ve got Tyra Mail!

After some Heather-bashing on Bianca‘s part, the girls start this week of America’s Next Top Model off in nude bodysuits, learning how to move in a sexy way. They practice their sexy runway walks and their “wall slides,” before putting on knee pads to crawl across the floors. ANTM is getting x-rated! Bianca looks like she’s crawling across the desert for the last drop of water on earth, and gets miffed when Heather gets praised for what Bianca thinks is an awkward performance.

The next morning, the ladies pile into the van and head off to shoot a music video. With Enrique Iglesias. Finally, a believable challenge! The girls act surprisingly aloof after meeting him, whereas I’m practically hyperventilating on my living room couch, but hey, I guess “dripping with sex” isn’t everyone’s type. Lisa and Heather get picked to be featured in the video, which doesn’t exactly thrill Bianca. I’m sensing a theme for this episode. Read More »