I just want to meet him already. Then I want to reach into the TV and smack him for somehow creating the two most self-centered, annoying women in New York. (And that’s saying a lot, considering The Real Housewives exist…) I am finding it harder and harder to like Serena this season (especially when she does that weird thing with her hair like she did for Dorota and Vanya’s wedding), and it is clear she’s inherited her worst qualities from her hard-to-please mother. Honestly, if Serena didn’t wear that ridiculously awesome necklace to the wedding last night, I’d have written her off completely.

Those van der Woodsen women need a big can of whoop ass, and I hope they open it soon.

But let’s stop talking about them for a moment and get to the real Cartier-wearing white elephant in the room: Blair and Chuck. I was dragged into their lives by my heartstrings the moment the show began and my heart hurt until the very end. (Although that could have something to do with the McDonald’s breakfast I had….) I’ve never had a guy trade me for a hotel (I think?), but I have woken up after a break up and had that moment when I realized that it wasn’t just a nightmare and that the pain was very real. And it is the worst. I immediately hurt for Blair (but don’t think I didn’t notice how perfect her hair looks when she’s moping….), but I also couldn’t help but hurt for Chuck.

The entire episode I was torn. One minute I was screaming, “Take him back, Blair – you two are perfect for each other!” and the next I was seething, “Walk away, Blair – that boy needs to learn a lesson.” (At one point I also grabbed a broom and hit my ceiling while yelling at my neighbors to stop River Dancing upstairs and interrupting my show.) But it didn’t really matter what I wanted, obviously; Blair made her choice and Chuck found some Eastern European giant to seduce in his empire.

And then I cried.

At least we had a somewhat happy ending that put a little pep back into my step. Two, actually. Not only did Vanya and Dorota tie the knot, but we had a little gay love connection for Eric. Yeah, I’d prefer it if both of those boys used a little less product in their hair, but there’s nothing cuter than two high school boys in love. I guess if I can’t have my weekly dose of Chuck and Blair, an adorable gay couple will do.

“He’s a cheating jerk!”
“He should do what he wants, he’s got millions!”
“Who cares?”

No matter what your stance on Tiger Woods (and I’m sure you have one, seeing as you can’t turn on any television, computer or mobile phone without being blasted with his scandal) at least we can all agree on one factor: his televised apology was bleak. It was really bad. Chris Brown bad. The PR written speech, his mom, the bro hugs, the set-up like he’s giving a presidential address? I mean, come on. First of all, thanks a lot for interrupting The View, and secondly, I’ve seen better acting out of the Spice Girls.

But on top of all that, even with a 14 minute monologue, there were so many things left unsaid. So many things the world was left to wonder. So here are the top ten things I wish had come out of Tiger’s mouth or had occurred during his little apology sesh.

10. “I regretfully inform you, that my choice of sleeping with all these women without using a condom, some being porn stars, has led to a devastating case of genital warts. Seriously. Pussing and oozing, people. It’s disgusting.”

9. “I hereby change my name from Tiger to Cheetah.”

8. “I have allowed Chase Crawford to move in as Elin’s live-in boyfriend and manny (male nanny).”

7. “What I did was inexcusable… but, come on, 17 ladies? HIGH FIIIIIIVE.” (High fives members of the audience)

6. “I will be running for governor of New York.”
Spitzer, anyone?

5. “Sorry for interrupting your daily episode of The View. Just wanted to say, Elisabeth Hasselbeck, you’re doing a great job. I’m into blondes. Call me.”

4. Exactly the way Kenan and Blake depicted it on SNL.

3. “I’d like to announce my new sponsors: Viagra, Valtrex and Trojan Condoms.”

2. “…And I would’ve gotten away with it if I drove a Mustang.”

1. “I’m taking a break from golf for a little while….to star in a new reality series where I travel the world in a Buick Rendezvous and search for salvation, answers and a cure for the Clap. Sponsored by Buick. Premiering May 1st on the Golf Network. Watch.”

Apparently, that’s a bad thing.

Things aren’t looking good for Lindsay Lohan.

Chase Crawford is all growed up.

Kim Kardashian Tweets in her undies?

Glamour wants more “plus size” ladies.

Shakira’s back, bitches.

Chase Crawford and Ed Westwick break up.

Well hello, Channing Tatum.

Why do we kiss?

Khloe Kardashian loses weight. That’s news?!

Must. Have. This. Skirt.

This week we got some great tips on how to make those summer days last all night with the beach babe to party girl accessories. (Don’t forget to accessorize the booze too!) But first you gotta remember to lather up on the sunscreen to protect yourself from those Cindy Crawfords you got on your body, because they can be super dangerous.

We got some awesome ideas to spice up those romantic (if you call painting each other romantic) summer dates, which may probably lead to something that we discussed a whole lot about this week, too: sex, or rather, making love. Is it possible that it can actually be too good? (That is, if he can always get it up, of course.) And what’s the absolute best way to avoid a bun in the oven?

This week definitely exposed us to some crazy people in this world, like the woman who apparently thought she was a cosmetic surgeon, or the couple in Sweden who is raising their child without a gender. Not to mention the woman with the strongest vajay.

In addition to saying goodbye to the infamous MJ, we also gave a wave to Zac and Chase’s bangs, though both will always live on in our hearts.

And now it’s Friday. Thank. God. If you’re going out for a night on the town, be sure to spice up the evening’s outfit with some of the latest fashion porn, or if you’re just into the porn part, that’s okay too…I guess.

Mmmm. Man bangs.

Who else can rock those sexy, wispy (but gotta be annoying ) bangs better than Zac Efron and Chase Crawford do? Or did, for that matter, because it looks like the two have chopped off their luxurious trademark locks that us ladies have been going gaga over since the first time we saw them fall into the eyes of Hollywood’s hottest hunks.

The way those strands fell on their forehead, framing their flawless faces of perfection made us wonder what was hiding behind them. Would we be able to handle the sexiness that would come with Zac and Chase exposing another 1/3rd of their faces? Was there more hotness backthere to be exposed?

Okay, so maybe they were getting a tad bit outta control, but a trim would have been just fine. Did they really need to get rid of the bangs completely?

What drove these mad men to do such a thing? Zac and Chase with no bangs is like Lil Wayne with no dreads…it’s just not right. Are they going for a new clean cut look, a new vibe? Or do they just want to flaunt their blazin blue eyes in which every girl is swimming? Why, God, WHY?!

What do you think about the new ‘do? Or should I say don’t?

Lindsay Lohan’s getting sued.

So what causes the beer belly, anyway?

Chase Crawford and Zac Efron say goodbye to man-bangs.

Just how bad are your health vices?

10 crimes committed against women by reality TV.

Cheetos lip balm? What’s next: Cheetos hand cream?

Sarah Jessica Parker deals with some shady police guys.

Songs no dude should have on their iPod. Ever.

Fun ideas for getting in shape.

Perfect gift for dad?

Dessert for dinner? Do it!

This is totally not P.C., but we kinda laughed anyway.

We’re obsessed with the maxi dress!

Will Chase Crawford do Kevin Bacon justice?

Um. Bacon lube exists.

Old school repubs are scared.

Everyone should share their sex stories.

Forever 21 calls Kim Kardashian fat.

Jen Garner and Ben Affleck having sex problems?

Your daily dose of Chase Crawford.