Question?! Answer: Ask Tuffy Luv.

Dear Tuffy Luv,
I’ve been reading your column all day long and I found myself agreeing with every bit of advice you have given and couldn’t pass up the opportunity to hear your insight on my own relationship. I’m a bit of a late bloomer when it comes to relationships, I didn’t have my first kiss or date till 19, after two very short relationships I found myself turning 21 in November and in a 7 month relationship with a guy I love very much.

I had always told myself I would wait until marriage to sleep with a guy but I found myself so very much in love and couldn’t see myself ever being with anyone else so I gave in about 4.5 months into the relationship. We had our ups and downs, at the beginning of the relationship he got kicked out of his dad’s house and had to live with some friends. Long story short, I stood by him through everything, motivated him to quit smoking marijuana, I dealt with a lot of his mood swings and anger when he was trying to quit smoking cigarettes, I gave him driving lessons and let him use my car to finally get his driver’s license, bought him groceries when he had nothing to eat when he got kicked out, gave him rides, had my brother fix up his old bike so my bf had something to ride to school so he could get his GED, and applied to a lot of jobs for him so he could upgrade from part time to full time when his laptop was stolen and he couldn’t do it himself, and I encouraged him to talk things through with his dad so he could live at home again. Needless to say, I have done my best to motivate him to be the best person he could be and he has shown a lot of gratitude for that.

I am currently a university student and have stressed to him the importance of a good education and he said he agrees with me, that he’s always wanted to be back in school and set his life straight and he couldn’t have done it without me. I am truly in love with this guy, he’s a year younger than me and my parents worry I’ve become more of a mother figure than a girlfriend and they say that it’ll never work out because I’m trying to turn him into something he’s not. But I’m turning the other cheek and telling myself I’m not pushing him into becoming something he doesn’t want to be, because even though I have to nag him and lecture him in time about growing up and taking care of responsibilities, he says he’s extremely grateful and does want the same things as I do in the future.

I was willing to pick him up every time he has fallen, even early on in the relationship, he was my first and only love. Things were really going great and I saw he was really on the right path in life, we even talked about moving in together next summer once I get my bachelor’s degree and he made it clear he wanted to marry me some day. I was extremely excited about hearing him talk about how I was the love of his life and how he couldn’t wait for our future together.

He has told me that I should never worry about any other girls, especially exes, because with them it was just sex without feeling, that I am the first girl he’s ever been so deeply in love with and that when we are intimate, we are making love and it means so much more. I do believe him when he says that, because he sounds so genuine and I just can’t believe someone can be playing a game 24/7. I know it’s only been 7 months, but we see one another on a daily basis, unless I have too much school work going on and he is understanding of that, and if we are not physically together, we are on the phone or texting, we send about 15,000 texts to one another monthly, so he can’t really even have time for an affair!

Then one day, he mentions his favorite number and something about passwords and in the evening while he’s at work, I open my computer and am able to guess his facebook password (I know it was wrong, but I have jealousy issues because he had slept with 6 other girls before me, and I worry that being with just me isn’t enough). And to my absolute horror, I find some old facebook chat logs saved from a girl named Desiree. I knew of her because once when we were hanging out this Desiree texts my bf saying “omg just got caught having sex, sooo embarrassing,” so I ask my bf why she would send a text involving something so personal to a guy in a relationship, he said it was really weird she would do that and he doesn’t respond. So back to the messages I find on fb, I find out he tells this girl (who he has called a slut previously to me in conversation) intimate details of our relationship. Now losing my virginity before marriage was a very emotional thing for me. I was raised quite conservatively and really struggled figuring out what I really wanted to do. So we started out slow, and then a few months in started fooling around, touching, etc (not to get too graphic!), and then fooling around naked but not the actual act of sex itself, which I’m sure was torture for him but I was too scared I would end up having sex, getting so attached and then heart broken. My biggest fear was to get a bad reputation, we knew a lot of the same people, and it would be beyond devastating to know that the guy I lost my virginity to would talk about me behind my back and call me a whore.

Back to the messages though! He complains to Desiree that he thinks him and I are going to break up, and we were going through a rough patch, and when she asks why he explains he accidentally popped my cherry while we were fooling around partially naked and that I was very upset about it, then Desiree says that is a stupid reason to be upset, and to my dismay, my bf writes “why can’t a girl just f**k and be happy about it?” At this point I am in tears and can barely breathe, I begged him to swear to never tell anyone about our intimacy, his good friends were friends of my friends and I would die if word got around about me doing certain things, and frankly, that’s extremely personal and I don’t need people knowing those things for obvious reasons. And he swore he would never do such a thing, I truly begged him not to, and I trusted he would never do such a thing, I trusted him with my life. Then I read on, and a little while later they talk again and she asks if him and I have “banged” yet and he says “yup” and then he complains that I “want to do it ALL the time >.>” which was another crushing blow, I was obviously very self conscious about my sex life, seeing as I didn’t have any experience, it was something new and exciting for me, and I loved experiencing a physical connection with my bf, I loved him and he loved me.

Then Desiree says I’m like that because I’m probably immature, he says “you know me, I like sex, but not THAT often”, at this point my temperature and fever are skyrocketing, I had mono at the time and this shock made me go into a very bad fever and break into a horrible rash and vomit, just as I was starting to get better. Then they start flirting, she says she apologizes about stringing him along a while ago (before him and I got together), that she was on medication and not herself, then he goes on to say “but what you and I had was real, right?” and she says “I did like you”, and he says “ok, just making sure” and then she goes on to say “we shouldn’t talk like that, you’re gf wouldn’t like it”. Then he agrees and she has the gross woman balls to say “don’t be mad because you’ll always want my nuts” and he doesn’t deny anything, and she mentions to him “the fact that you’ll always want me even though you have a gf” and he says “don’t rub it in”. She tells him “your gf is pretty, but not as pretty as me” and he says “of course not” (which he later said was a completely sarcastic remark, really doesn’t seem like it, but ok…) The conversation basically ends, and she says “text me when you can” and he says “ok” and that’s the end of that. I also find a message from a girl (who he claimed used to like him, and he only has her as a friend on fb because he feels bad for her and she just got out of rehab, I find her posting on a friend’s wall saying “you, me, and ___ (my bf) are so going to California Burgers!” and the friend says “definitely!” I ask my bf about it and he says he knows nothing about it and isn’t gonna go so it didn’t matter so I said fine), I see a message in his inbox of her asking if he and their two friends (his best friend and his gf) could go to California burgers and that she misses him, he says “miss you too, and sure” (when I confront him about that he said he didn’t want to make her any more depressed and relapse so he didn’t want to be a jerk and say no even though he had no intention of going and never did, but why lie!???? I would have accepted that answer!).

After reading all of this I’m having a huge panic attack and my world has gone up in flames, I text him to “never *bleeping* contact me again, we’re through”, even though he was at work, he called me right away, and was asking what was wrong and I told him I caught him cheating when I broke into his fb, he burst into tears saying he had no idea what I was talking about and I told him about the conversation and he was very confused (having no idea the chat log was saved by fb), I told him how disgusted I was with him and how he completely broke my trust by swearing to me and lying, and told some whore the intimate details of our relationship and how sick he made me, and that he broke my heart. This made him burst into tears, he said he would explain things to me once he finally realized/remembered what conversation I must have read (mind you, these were two separate conversations I read, one four months into the relationship, the other 5 months). He said he had to get back to work after talking for a few minutes, I could hear his managers in the background, and he begged me to talk to him when he was off, I hung up. He called about five times after work when I finally picked up and read, word for word the conversation. He said he was in a horrible place then, that he was truly, truly sorry, that he thought we were going to break up because we were fooling around a lot, pushing a lot of my limits and I got very angry and upset when it came to me losing my virginity, and I agree I was an emotional wreck at the time (and we were in bad times in our relationship when he talked to her). We talked for about 5 hours on the phone, he was crying hysterically, he said he was having very bad withdrawals from not smoking cigarettes or weed and said those things out of anger and was in a horrible place, but denied cheating on me. However, I told him it was indeed emotional cheating and just as bad in my book. Then
he threw up a few times, and could tell he was extremely scared of losing me and ruining the relationship through his actions.

He confessed a few weeks ago that Desiree talked to him again, and started saying bad things about me, and that he should break up with me and get with her, he said she said very horrible things about me, he was very angry, told her off, and deleted her off fb once and for all. Even though he in a sense fixed the situation by himself, that didn’t change the fact that the only reason she had anything bad to say about me, was because he portrayed me as such a bad person to her, he didn’t tell her how much I have helped him, he was just venting about me, and made me seem just awful. He continually denied that it was cheating, that he was extremely ashamed and that I never deserved being talked about like that, and was truly truly sorry. But I told him he broke my heart, which he really did, and I couldn’t trust him anymore. I also said that she wouldn’t have come on to him if he didn’t give her such clear signals before.

We texted a lot during the day, me telling him how much he hurt me and him apologizing, we spoke on the phone for three nights in a row, each conversation lasting around 5-6 hours, most of him crying and throwing up and me crying too. We met up face to face and he swore he would spend the rest of his life making it up to me, and that was all about two months ago. I know this letter was incredibly long, but I don’t know how to get through this. We got back together (never really even broke up), but sometimes I still think about it (like tonight) and when I bring it up, he says he is so so so sorry and would never do that again, that I never deserved it and it breaks his heart he did such a thing to me. But then again, he swore he wouldn’t do it in the first place, it’s like he broke my trust and told this girl (someone he doesn’t even value as a person) about our sex life just because it seemed like he wouldn’t get caught, I never thought he was capable of lying about something like that, he always seemed so genuine. After finally agreeing to work through this, I find myself checking his fb on a daily basis, questioning a lot more what he’s up to and with who, I would die if anything like this, let alone worse would happen again, he is my everything. I can’t even imagine why he would hurt someone who has done so much for him, this badly. I’ve said “I forgive you” after hearing a thousand apologizes, but I’ve read that conversation a hundred times and it’s engrained in my mind, constantly in the back of my head. This whole situation might not seem like a big deal, it’s not like he jumped in bed with someone else, but it seems like online flirting is a gateway to all of that. Just because we are having a serious rough patch in our relationship doesn’t mean he can run to other girls and lead them on? I almost feel bad for the chick, he flirts with her and then tells her off when she tries to escalate it, I really can’t blame her!

I know that was a lot of rambling to read, but this is what goes through my head on a nearly daily basis. This is the first huge betrayal I have encountered, and I didn’t expect it from my first and only love…How do I get over my jealousy, and should I have to? As a result of this, I made him block this girl for good, I have access to his fb, I made him text his last gf and tell her to never contact him again (she sent him periodic texts here and there and they were pissing me off), and he has let me do it all without question, but me needing to do all of this is just not healthy…Any advice would make me eternally grateful, I am in true need of your amazing advice.

My undying gratitude,
Deeply Wounded

Dear Deeply Wounded,

Giiiiiiiiiiiiiiirl.

Okay, first of all, I want to say I’m not just answering this because you brown-nosed. But I do thank you. Delicious.

Anyway, onto your letter:

Bitter ol’ Tuffy feels some pangs on this one.

You seem so genuine, DW. I mean that. You seem like such a good, nice person. You really love this guy, that much is clear. And you went way out of your way to help him through a tough time.

But the harsh reality is, he is NOT such a good, nice person. And he doesn’t give a SHOOP about your helping him through a tough time.

This guy never came clean about this. It’s fine to say, oh he’s sorry because he apologized, but he ONLY apologized AFTER you caught him. AFTER. And when you first approached him about it, he denied it.

So I believe that he wants to keep you. But I don’t believe that he’s really sorry he did it.

This is a guy who has already had a drug problem and been kicked out of his house. He needed YOU to help him apply for jobs (why couldn’t do it himself?!) and to get his bike fixed (hello?! he can’t figure this one out either?!). You really went out of your way for him, and I applaud you for that, because, yes, everyone falls on their luck sometimes.

But this guy seems like he won’t do anything. He isn’t interested in improving himself. He won’t do anything to move forward the way you expect someone reaching adulthood to do.

That in itself is a HUGE red flag, girl.

And then we get to the real meat of your letter, where we find out dude spoke about you to another girl who he may or may not have cheated on you with (I’m sorry, I just don’t think we can rule that out) but who DEFINITELY did not need to be told about your sex life.

THIS IS A LOSER.

This little boy thinks he can say terrible things about you to someone else while proclaiming to love you. Guess what? He can, because you’re letting him.

DO NOT LET HIM.

You really truly deserve better than this. This little baby of a disgusting manchild said some ugly things about you. He betrayed very personal secrets. And he said things that were cruel and unnecessary.

I bet he loves you now. You’ve done so much for him. He’s a major user and he knows that you’ll take care of him.

But you don’t want his off-brand “love,” do you? It’s so emotionally abusive it makes me want to throw up (oh, I guess I have something in common with him after all).

I hate hate hate this guy.

BREAK UP WITH HIM. You can’t get yourself to trust him because, deep inside, you KNOW you CAN’T trust him. He is completely UNTRUSTWORTHY. There is NOTHING he can do that will reverse this. This relationship is doomed, and thank deities of all sorts because this guy is only going to drag you down with him.

Go find someone who is kind and who will treat you the way you treat others: with respect and love. Let this ashhole rot in his own filth.

Hearts & Skulls,

Tuffy Luv

Question?! Answer: Ask Tuffy Luv.

Dear Tuffy Luv,

After reading your column “Don’t Break up Your BFF’s Relationship” I felt I needed to write to you because it seems as if I am in a similar situation, except I am on the other side. My boyfriend and I have been dating (on and off) for about 2 and a half years. He is one year older than me and just finished his freshman year in college. This was a difficult year for our relationship being that he was in college and I was still in high school.  I have had serious doubts and suspicions about his close friendship with a girl he met this year at school ever since September when I read a flirty conversation between them on his phone. He no longer lets me go through his phone, but I know they still talk daily.

Prior to this year, I was never jealous of him or felt threatened by any girl he interacted with. I asked one of my friends who goes to college with him what the deal was and she said they haven’t hooked up but everyone thinks he has feelings for her. To add to my suspicion, he and this girl have multiple Facebook pictures of them alone, and when I asked him to untag himself from some of them because they look as if they are a couple, he got angry with me and told me I was acting crazy.

Both my boyfriend and this girl have summer homes at the beach and I know that they see each other often. Whenever I bring her up, it escalates into a fight because he thinks that I am trying to filter who he can and can’t hangout with. He tells me he only likes her as a friend and that I need to trust him. As much as I love him and want to trust him it is really hard because he is so shady when it comes to her. I’m really frustrated because this has been going on since the beginning of the year and I have no idea what the best way is to handle it. Please help me, I would really appreciate you advice.

Sincerely,

Other Side

Dear Other Side,

Trust your gut, gut-o.

Dude’s playing you. How do I know? Because YOU know. Because your friends know. Because anyone with eyes apparently knows.

Why is he being shady? You’re not some new relationship where he’s like, mannnnn this chick is all up in my business, why she gotta try ‘n’ CONTROL me?! NO!!!!! This is a guy you’ve obviously known, and been with, for years. He doesn’t honestly think you’re trying to control who he hangs out with, since you fairly clearly have never done that before.

Now, I don’t know if he’s actually having an affair with her or not. But he clearly at the very least has a THING with her, either feelings or an emotional cheating sort of situation or, possibly, yes, an actual affair.

Does it really matter which one?!

Point is, this guy has messed with your trust. He no longer deserves it.

In Tuffy’s opinion, he no longer deserves YOU.

But you seem to wanna stick by this guy. I have a feeling when YOU go off to college next year, the dating pool will expand, and you too will meet someone new.

However, since Tuffy is an advice columnist and not a flooping psychic, I can only say this: I advise you to break things off, but, if you’re determined not to, at least get to the bottom of it.

You need to have a sit-down with this guy. If you love each other, this should not be out of the question. Sit him down and say, look, I love you, but I need to know what’s going on. This is a way out for you, Boyfriend. If you are interested in this other girl, tell me now.

Hopefully, he’ll say he had some feelings but he’s never cheated and has realized he wants to be with you. Tuffy’d still dump him, but this is not TOO bad an answer. In fact, it’s probably best case scenario.

If he says, I’m cheating on you–then you leave, yes? Have some self-respect and don’t let him walk all over you.

If he says, I have feelings for her but I’m torn, can we see where this goes–leave him. You’re too young to put up with this shoop.

And no matter what he says, if you get the feeling he’s lying to you, he probably is. Dump the floop out of that lying flooper and go be free.

Hearts & Skulls,

Tuffy Luv

Kvetchion? Answer: Ask Tuffy Luv.

Dear Tuffy Luv,
I was with my boyfriend for a year and a half. He broke up with me because I was too “emotionally unsound”, but in reality I found out he cheated on me. He denied it, and for whatever reason I wanted to believe he was actually a good person and it was just a rumor. Though I still became kind of upset. And that is the reason there was any emotional craziness coming from me. By that point, I knew for a while that we should break up, I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. We hung out every once in a while (and slept together a few times…’cause I was an idiot). Anyways, that’s not the point.

Eight months later, I was hanging out with one of my friends, and the topic of my ex boyfriend came up. This friend of mine told me the truth (he found out because he was cheating on his girlfriend with one of the best friend’s of the girl my boyfriend cheated on me with). At this point I became FURIOUS. I have never been so angry at the world before. My feelings were, “I can’t believe there are people in the world that do things that will obviously cause other people so much pain.” Cheating was honestly the last thing I ever thought I would have to deal with (boy was I wrong). So I told him that I never wanted to see him again.

A month ago, I finally realized that in order to no longer be so angry I have to forgive him (which sucks, but as soon as I realized that I felt so much better). And then he randomly facebook messaged me. I replied, because I didn’t want to be rude. And we hung out, to talk, because I had a list of questions that I wanted answered (such as: Why did you cheat on me? Why with her? Did you ever actually love me? Etc.). But he STILL denied it. And that pissed me off again.

So I have some questions for you Tuffy…

First, I realize I did a lot of stupid things regarding him in the past, is there anything I am doing wrong now? Anything I should be doing better?

Where do you think i should go from here? (p.s. I have a class with him next month).

Why in the flippity flap is he still denying it? …The only reason I can come up with is that he thinks he can make his way back into my life enough that I’ll have sex with him again.

And lastly, this has kind of made me a jadded person when it comes to fidelity and love. And it’s kinda sorta making my life extremely difficult and upsetting. Any advice for now and the future?

You are awesome.

Thanks,
Angry bitterness

Dear Angry Bitterness,

Welp, you know people cheat. Your friend who told you knew because HE was cheating. Why, Angry Bitterness? Why are people so uncool?!

Every week, Tuffettes, I read your emails and I wish wish WISH people didn’t cheat. Sometimes, as in Angry Bitterness’s case, it’s the guy cheating, and sometimes it’s the girl cheating. Either way, I just want to scream–BREAK THE FLOOP UP!!! Wouldn’t that be easier than sneaking around behind each others’ backs?! And it would certainly save a lot on both heartbreak and money for STD tests.

But, hey, back to you.

Angry Bitterness, you are not doing anything wrong. But I think you need to readjust your thinking.

This guy is probably lying. However, did you consider the (very unlikely, I’ll grant you) possibility he may actually be telling the truth?

I mean, the convoluted way in which you found out–through a friend who is cheating with the supposed cheater’s cheatee’s best friend–makes it  a little hard to verify. And, I mean, you caught the guy. Isn’t it just vaguely, vaguely possible he DIDN’T cheat?

For the record, I think he did.

But it’s worth it to consider, I think. I mean, the fact is, the two of you are not together anymore. He broke up with you before all this nonshoop. If I were you, I’d go get tested for STDs (just in case!), decide to assume he probably didn’t cheat, and then move on with your life. No responding to emails or texts or Facebook messages or whatever it is you kids do these days. This guy is just another ex now. Forget him, forgive him if you must, and move on.

As for your class with him–well, don’t sit near him. Be polite but NOTHING MORE. Don’t talk to him. Don’t be friendly, but don’t be cold. Just treat him as you would any other casual classmate: polite and silent.

Finally, there’s a third part to your question, which I totally love: “And lastly, this has kind of made me a jaded person when it comes to fidelity and love. And it’s kinda sorta making my life extremely difficult and upsetting. Any advice for now and the future?”

YES advice. Advice is: DON’T be jaded. That’s really all there is. People bounce back from MUCH MUCH worse things than a college boyfriend who may or may not have cheated. Give yourself a little more time to mourn if you absolutely must and then CHOOSE to be cheerful. And, yes, in a pretty mild situation like this, it is absolutely your choice. CHOOSE to smile, CHOOSE to get rid of the toxic people and energy in your life, and CHOOSE to live your life in as positive a manner as you possibly can. I promise, that will make all the difference.

Hearts & Skulls,

Tuffy Luv

Question?! Answer: Ask Tuffy Luv.

Dear Tuffy Luv,

I have been in a long distance (400 miles) relationship for almost 3 years, as you can imagine, everthing started off all pretty and perfect but a lot has changed over these years.

My boyfriend is the ‘Mummy’s boy’ type – the type that will start an argument if he doesn’t get his own way. It all started in Fall 2009 – things hadn’t been great between us, he broke up with me when I was on an important placement, then a week later started a relationship with a girl from his school (I had always suspected he was starting to like her.)

I tried to cut him out of my life – delete number, email, Facebook, blah blah blah. But he kept contacting me saying that he still loved me and regretted breaking up with me. In November 2009 we got back together, and everything was blissful again… or so I thought. He had told me that he regretted breaking up with me/didn’t know why he done it and that it was a rebound. The girl he broke up with me for told me that my boyfriend was sneaky and a liar (at first I didn’t believe it, but now I am starting to wonder whether she was right.)

Last year I was snooping on his Facebook (as you do when he leaves it signed on at yours… I know I shouldn’t but…) and I saw that he had sent a message to a girl that he always complained to me was a slag. Although the message was just a friendly ‘hey how are you’ type thing, my mouth still dropped. I asked him about the message and he said she had messaged him a few week’s ago and he had only just replied…. So I then asked the girl and she said that wasn’t true.

Anyway, I forgave and forgot, Lauren Conrad style and we moved on. A couple of month’s down the line I receive an email from a girl at his school telling me that my boyfriend had just admitted sending sexual texts to another girl a couple of months into the beginning of our relationship in 2008. When I confronted him about it he said he was ‘lonely’ and that he hadn’t done it again.

Finally. Last night I got an email from an online dating site, asking me to join as my boyfriend had just signed up. WTF. I went onto his profile and he had listed himself as ‘single’ and looking for a private relationship. I asked him about it and he said to me that he just done it cause he was bored and thought it would be funny to see what type of people used it… he also  said I was over-reacting when I said I was angry.

All of my friends tell me I should break up with him (and I know I should) but it is like he is a magnet and I just cant bring myself away from him. Please, please help me. What do you think I should do in this situation?
I am just fed up of him thinking he can not respect me or our relationship. I would be so grateful for advice.

X,
B.I.T.C.H – Babe In Total Control of Herself (Almost.)

Dear Babe,

He is making a fool out of you.

I mean, how many times do you have to catch the guy before you get it through your thick skull that you are allowing him to cheat on you?!

He obviously has no respect for you. He’s more than happy to talk to multiple girls, and probably even hook up, secure in the knowledge that you’ll just forgive him. Because he thinks you’re stupid. I’m sorry to be so harsh, but this is the truth. He think you’re stupid.

He does not love you. He does not care about you. He is playing you and you’re letting him.

You don’t have to put up with this, Babe. I know he’s a “magnet” or whatever other thing you’ve convinced yourself of, but, aside from actual abuse, this is about as bad as it gets. You have no reason to stay with him. He isn’t treating you well. He’s playing the shoop out of you. And you’re clearly not happy.

The subject header of your email was “Why do I stay with him?” Well, honestly, Babe, I don’t know. Without actually knowing you, I’d guess low self-esteem. And this is perhaps the saddest part of this whole flooping letter. There are plenty of men (and women) out there who will treat you like shoop if you let them. But the question is, WHY LET THEM? Why are you letting him?? You’re asking me, but I think this is really something you’re going to have to work out for yourself. Otherwise you’re doomed to repeat the pattern.

Let me tell you a story from Aunt Tuffy’s life. Aunt Tuffy knows someone, a much much older someone, who has been “dating” a man for 10 years. This man never lets her come back to his place. She has not been introduced to his family. Sometimes he doesn’t call her for a few months, and then sometimes he calls every day telling her how much he loves her. She has been waiting around for this man for a decade, rejected other men who have wanted to date her, because she is convinced that this man is the love of her life, even though all signs tell her that not only is she not the love of his but that he is probably married. This man is also “just bored,” and, in the meantime, she has completely allowed him to dominate her thoughts and ruin her life.

Don’t let this be you, Babe. Break up with this guy and, even more importantly, get into therapy. Or, if not therapy, keep a journal, or start writing things down every single time you feel unworthy. Because this is not a lifestyle you want to maintain.

And please, please. Do this before you get into the exact same kind of relationship with the next guy.

Notice I’m calling you “Babe,” and not your chosen “B.I.T.C.H.” You’ve got to start thinking more of yourself. This is going to get you into trouble. You are a woman and you are going to act like one. Break up with this guy who treats you like a B.I.T.C.H. and, after you work on yourself a little, go find someone who will treat you like a Babe.

Hearts & Skulls,

Tuffy Luv

Kvetchtion?! Answer: Ask TuffyLuv@collegecandy.com.

Dear Tuffy Luv,

So it seems CollegeCandy’s Dude is the most popular guy, like, ever. You ladies just can’t get enough. You’d think he was Bradley Cooper! (Maybe he is….that’s one secret we’ll never tell.) Luckily, this guy’s a giver (even more reason to love him) and he’s gonna bring you even more of his wisdom. Only instead of answering specific questions, he’s telling us what we all want to know and never had the balls to ask. (Like what guys are thinking when we’re goin’ at it.) Don’t worry, he’ll still be back every Wednesday for Ask a Dude!

They say that 60% of all men cheat and 70% of the women who’re being cheated on pretend it’s not happening. Well, I’m not sure if I believe in statistics (or that Justin Bieber’s got testicles) but I have known me some men who’ve crossed the fidelity line. Why? What lead them astray? What could possibly compel them to? Should you forgive him?

Ladies, we’re going for a ride inside 11 (anybody can do 10!) cheatin’ causes.  Let me make this clear: I’m here to offer you reasons for why he cheats, not excuses he gives you after you’ve caught him cheating.

1. Revenge f**k!
This is purely out of spite. You got caught and he took the opportunity to stick it to you by sticking into another woman. It ain’t mature and gets messy as Hell. Which is worse, the first offense or the last?

2. You haven’t seen each other in 6 months
Absence could make the heart grow fonder but also the pee-pee wander.  You can almost track your connection slipping away across the map on your iPhone’s GPS. Soon, each day you feel yourself growing apart from one another and then an opportunity arises, an oasis in the desert of uncertainty and isolation. So, he takes a drink. Don’t let anyone fool ya, the LDR ain’t for the weak willed.

3. He thinks he found something better
In my guestimation, this is about the scariest one on this list. The relationship can be going great. You’ve never even had a real fight! Then, WHAM! Sparks are flying. Unfortunately, they’re flying with another woman who came from out of nowhere. He makes a choice, he’s “gotta know.” This one’s the heartbreaker, kids.

4. The “what if” girl
You’ve probably met her! You’ve at least heard fifty thousand stories about their high school adventures or their elementary school daze. She was his first crush. Maybe she was his “one that got away.” The best girl friend, perhaps? But she’s never been interested or they’ve never been single at the same time. Turned out, all it took was her being single and interested at any time.

5. Commitment phobia
Only one woman to have sex with? For, like, ever? Or, like, the foreseeable future? Or, like, the past week? We’ve all crossed paths with people who just aren’t built for monogamy.

6. Boredom
Believe it or not, according to a few studies, and some field work on my part, this is the most common answer men give for why they cheat. The word even sounds dull and empty when you say it. Try it. “Boredom.” He’s tired of steak for every meal. So, he goes out for a burger, just for a change of pace. Fast food f*cking as it were.

7. Sexaholic
There is a legit diagnosis for sex addiction. Nymphomaniacs walk among us. There are people who literally cannot function unless the first thing they do in the morning is go on Adult Friend Finder (or eduhookups) and make a date with a stranger for later that night. These people have to have sex. It’s a disease… (Tissue? Anyone?)

8. For the thrill
At first glance, you might think this falls under number 6 on the list. You’d be off by just a hair. Some guys cheat because they are turned on at the thought of getting caught. He has to basically make up two different lives with two different people (or however many as he’s sampling from). The fact you might catch him is the adrenaline rush he’s looking for. Cheating’s taboo. People get off on taboos. That’s why they’re taboos.

9.  He’s feeling neglected and unfulfilled from your relationship
“Infidelity’s just a symptom that something else is wrong.” To which came the famous reply, “Yeah? Well now that symptom is f*cking my wife.” Rob Reiner did make great movies once…I digress. Sometimes the greatest distance between two people is the six inch chasm between his side and her side of the bed. Something’s wrong and neither of you are talking about it. A lot of times this is the result of the problem being bottled up until you both feel suffocated. So, he looks for an oxygen mask to fall from the ceiling, and her name is Jenny. And her breasts are bigger than yours.

10. He’s a narcissistic prick who doesn’t care
He’s a dick and that’s all he thinks with. He might not even remember your last name half the time. Yet you are surprised when he treats you exactly the way your mom, sister, best friend, co-worker, therapist, and priest predicted he would. I know what you’re thinking, “how could it happen? He’s a Leo and I’m a Scorpio! It was meant to be!” Unfortunately, you’re not the center of this guy’s universe. His penis is, and every woman is just another planet to orbit around it.

11. He was drunk
I’ve saved what I predict will be the most debated for last. Is this really a reason? Or is this just an excuse? After all, he made a choice. Alcohol only takes away inhibitions, not desires. I put this one out there solely for discussion. He might have been drunk enough to think he was having sex with you. He might have been so wasted he doesn’t remember what he did or why. Is this one a matter of severity? If he’s only tipsy then is it just an excuse but if he’s truly lost all sense of judgment and control then is it a reason?

Here’s the hardest pill to swallow, ladies. All men involved in a relationship, at one point or another, think about or imagine what it would be like to cheat. Some guys even get little crushes on other women. Some of them just let it go at the fantasy. Some of them cross the line, and then you’ve gotta “nail, his, ASS!”

That’s all.
— Your friendly neighborhood Dude

Question?! Answer: TuffyLuv@collegecandy.com

Dear Tuffy Luv,
I’m not even sure how this all started to be honest. I have a best friend, I’ll call her Jane, who’s been dating this guy, I’ll call him Ron, for a couple months. They fight a lot but he’s her first real “love” and a really good friend of mine. I happen to be madly in love with Ron’s best friend, Landon. Landon left the state for college but we still want to be together; we’re in an open ended thing (he’s casually dating someone else currently) and we plan to work it out when he comes back for Christmas  break.

Recently Ron and Jane’s fights have been getting worse and she refuses to get physical with him pretty much at all. On a semi-joking note, Ron suggested a threesome between Jane – my best friend/his girlfriend – him and myself. I’ve never been in one and the idea was intriguing. Jane can be a stick in the mud, but we knew she’d be down for it, it was just a matter of convincing her.

Once we started scheming up the idea of the threesome, his texts started changing. He kept hinting that maybe if Jane doesn’t go for the idea, he and I should just have a crazy one-night stand and keep it completely between us. Eventually he blatantly started saying he wanted to sleep with me and keep it a secret from both Landon and Jane. A part of me loved the thrill of the absolute danger of it, it was the ultimate NO in the dating world – to sleep with your best friend’s boyfriend/ your love intrest’s best friend. It was a very small part of me, but it was still there as almost just a primal want, but I knew I didn’t want to; I could never do that Jane or Landon. I’m not trying to make it sound like I’m such a great person since I do feel guilty for even letting the idea stay in my mind for a second, but usually “all’s fair in love and war” is an idea that works for me, but this is clearly where my morals start kicking in.

He says no one would ever know, but even though I turned him down, how can I look at him again? I can’t tell Jane, but I don’t think I can’t NOT tell her at the same time. She’s my best friend. Should I just chalk it up to him being a hormonal guy and leave it at that? And since he’s Landon’s best friend I feel like my rejecting him will make him start talking s*** about me to Landon. He continues to text me, trying to convince me and even though I’m nice about the rejection (“I really dont think we should,” “You just want this because you and Jane are going through a rough time,”) I don’t know how to be firm in saying no without pissing him off and him sabatoging things between Landon and I.

Please help,
-3′s crowd, 2′s a problem

Dear 3′s,

What are you, on some kind of soap opera?! Landon’s evil twin, Shmandon, shows up and inevitably puts Jane in a coma?! And then you have a threesome with Ron and a space alien?!

Okay. Enough is enough. Ron’s a sleaze and the world must know.

You march your little threesome-hungry tushy right to Jane and you tell her what happened. I mean, if you were brave enough to ask her to have a threesome with you and her boyfriend, surely you’re brave enough to tell her that her boyfriend’s trying to get witchu.

Then, little bird, before Jane can even confront Ron, you hightail it to a phone and you tell Landon what happened. Be like, “look, you know, here’s what happened, I still wanna be witchu, I don’t wanna be wit Ron, and let’s just all be cool.”

Of course, that said, it’s GONNA all go to hell.

But then again, what were you expecting, secretly plotting a threesome with your best friend’s boyfriend?! I could see if you guys all planned it together, or even if you planned it just with Jane–although, frankly, I see this sort of thing as a recipe for hurt feelings and emo-ness no matter how you slice it–but planning it with her boyfriend is highly creepy. Don’t you think if he just wanted a third person to add the thrill he’d have asked JANE for thoughts? By asking you, he’s just trying to make an excuse to have sex with someone other than his girlfriend, someone who might be able to convince her that it’s legit. So, um. Probably don’t do this again.

Still, although you come out looking creepsty, you have GOT to tell Jane. Ron is totally playing her. I don’t know if he does this with other girls (in which case, totes gross) or if he’s secretly in love with you (in which case, sweet but too bad because he’s already IN a relationship!!!), but either way, Jane has to know. I mean, it’s good she’s not being physical with him, just in case he’s sleeping around, but wouldn’t you hate to, you know, see her get the clap?!

Tell her. Tell Landon. Wait for the fallout.

And, hey. If things get weird with Landon–well, sucks, but he’s some side-thing. I’m sorry, but if you’re not together just because he’s out of state and he’s CURRENTLY DATING SOMEONE ELSE–well, you kids are NOT madly in love. But this is your BEST FRIEND we’re talking about here. SO not worth losing.

Oh, and on the topic of Landon: Go ahead and date him if you want. However, Tuffy gotta say: I sincerely doubt he’d be dating this other someone if he was so into you. And I seriously, seriously doubt that he’ll really be breaking up with her just to be with you over Christmas break. And, I mean, why should he? If you guys are only going to be together on breaks from school (a few weeks here and there?!), why shouldn’t he (and you too, girl!) pursue ACTUAL relationships? It just all seems a bit far-fetched. But, hey. It’s your life. I just see that headed toward heartbreak, if you choose to see it more than the occasional off-peak fling.

Anyway, okay. Bottom line: TELL JANE. RON SUCKS. POOP HIM IN THE FACE.

Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv

Like a little pain? Get more Tough Love right here.

Question? Answer: TuffyLuv@collegecandy.com

Dear Tuffy Luv,
I am currently a single freshman girl in college.  Coming to college, there was a ton of stuff to be excited about.  But like most single freshman girls I had one things on my mind: COLLEGE BOYS.  I came here with the mentality that I was going to meet a bunch of boys, have some fun, and just play the field.  While that plan worked flawlessly for a while, I have now found myself in a rather sticky situation.

I was talking to a boy all summer long, and I really started to like him.  Over summer he was in a different state, so we could only communicate electronically. He goes to a private school in the same town as my university, so naturally in the fall we started hanging out all the time.  I was really starting to like this boy, and so I decided to ask him to accompany me to my sister’s wedding.  My family loved him and we had a great time, but after the wedding my feelings for him kind of started dwindling.  I texted him a little less and made our sleepovers a lot less frequent.

All the while, I had other boys on the side.  Cute boy in my building, boy from out of town, boy from the gym (I’m still single after all). So my point is that even when I really liked this boy, he wasn’t the only one in my life.

So jump to a few weeks later, when the fire alarm in the library goes off.  All of us studious college kids had to pack up our things and stand outside the lib until they let us back in.  While standing outside, this very cute boy starts talking to me.  We get caught up in conversation and eventually realize we have one of the same classes, which sparks an exchange of phone numbers.

After our first encounter and number exchange, we start hanging out quite a bit.  And the weirdest thing happens; I have NO desire to hangout with or hookup with any of those other sideline boys.

The problem is that I do not now how to handle the boys that I have left in the dust.  Summer boy is the hardest, because although I’ve told him I need space, I haven’t told him about the library boy (who has all of my attention and affections).  I don’t want to hurt his feelings because I know he’s still really into me, and I also don’t want to lose him as a friend. So I have basically been ignoring him, and that’s not right.  Another problem: what if library boy screws me over and I’ve burned bridges with all the old boys?  Tuffy, I just don’t know what  to do… HELP ME !

Always,
The Overwhelmed Freshman

Dear Freshman,

This email really rubs Tuffy the wrong way.

Flighty flighty flighty. Which, actually, at your age, is fine. You are more than free to date as many guys as you want.

But worrying about dating this guy you actually*[see next paragraph] like just because you worry that you’ll have “burned bridges with all the old boys” is really The Skank. These are PEOPLE, sweetheart. They are not toys you can put on the shelf till you’re ready to play with them again. These are real live individuals who may want to get on with their own lives if they’re given the decency of being told you’ve lost interest.

*[How the hell do you know you actually like this guy?! GEEZ. You thought you actually liked that summer guy too! I mean--BLARG!!!]

Okay, maybe Aunt Tuffy is being a little harsh. I get it. You want to play around, but now you’re ready to be in a relationship for a while. Totally cool. By all means, hang out with Library Boy to your little heart’s content.

However, you then DEFINITELY have to tell Summer Boy. Summer Boy is so into you or whatever you said, okay?! And there’s nothing wrong with him; your feelings have just cooled. So why the floop are you stringing him along?! Tell him you just want to be friends, or tell him you’ve moved on. One or the other. You can’t keep letting this poor guy, who has been nothing but sweet to you, think he’s got a chance when you’re off chewing cud in greener pastures.

And as for the other guys–who gives a shoop?! YOU certainly don’t!!! Send them a text or something saying “I’m seeing someone.” SO not a big deal, but you ought to let them know. You know, out of common courtesy.

Speaking of which, I just hope to shoop that Summer Boy knew about Various Side Boys. Because it is REALLLLLY flooped up of you if he didn’t. And, frankly, you kind of make it sound like he didn’t, especially since you can’t even think of how to tell him about Library Boy now.

I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again (and again and again and again, apparently): IT IS ABSOLUTELY FINE TO DATE LOTS OF PEOPLE, BUT ONLY IF THEY ALL KNOW ABOUT IT.

And ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS use condoms!!!!!!! The more partners you have, the more at risk you are and the more risk you put on any other partners present and future. USE CONDOMS. Look, Freshman. Do everyone a favor. Break it off clean with all your past flings, including Summer Boy, and move forward and have a nice and honest relationship with Library Boy. Don’t be a jerk. Boys are people too.

Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv

Like a little pain? Get more Tough Love right here.

Dear Tuffy Luv,

A few weekends ago while my roommate/best friend was passed out in her bedroom, her boyfriend and I hooked up. The boy and I had been friends freshman year, and I had feelings for him before he started dating my best friend. He and I agreed that it was never going to happen again and to not tell anyone. Two days later, when we were both drunk, it happened again. I believe he is a good person, and loves his girlfriend so I told him I wasn’t going to say anything.

2 weeks later he tried to hook up with my best friend and my other roommate. She rejected him, but told me the story. Selfishly, I don’t want to tell my best friend, but at the same time I wonder if I was wrong about him, and he is hooking up with other girls. What do I do?

– Sex With Best Friend’s Boyfriend

Dear Sex With Best Friend’s Boyfriend,

Classy.

Well, you’ve gone and done something totally unforgivable. You don’t feel bad about it at all. But now you’re trying to play the good guy and “warn” your “best friend” about her lying, cheating boyfriend.

Methinks the “lady” (HA) doth protest too much.

Giiiiiiiirl. Backstabbing is so not cute.

I might (MIGHT) have had some sympathy for you if it had happened once in a drunken fit and you had really never done it again. HOWEVER, what actually happened is, while your flooping friend was PASSED OUT, you effed her boyfriend. Not only did you not fess up, you made a pact with the guy to not tell her and then you did it again TWO DAYS LATER.

Guess what? You don’t get to play the good guy now. Oh, you feel so bad for her because she doesn’t know what’s going on. Oh, you’re such a good friend who made a little mistake and now has to make a big decision. Oh, poor your friend, it turns out the guy’s a sleaze, hadn’t you better do something about it?

FAAAAAAART.

More like: YOU feel degraded that it turns out he didn’t just find you so irresistible he HAD to cheat, but, in fact, he’s just a lying cheating sack. Tell her and come clean and expect your friendship to be over. I really don’t see how you two can come back from this. You completely betrayed her and you seem to have no remorse for it.

In fact, the only reason I say you should tell her is that I do think she should know about her sackboy. She may want to dump HIS ash too.

Good luck, jerkface.

Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv

Like a little pain? Get more Tough Love right here.

Do you ever put your foot down and say, “I can’t be with someone who…”?  If you’re dealing with a guy who doesn’t care about your O, I’m not alone in saying that’s grounds for giving him the boot.

And on that same note, tmotional cheaters are sometimes worse than ones who physically go out and whore around, so just say no to them, too.  And when he interprets your concern as nosiness, it’s time to sit down and talk before he dumps you.

And in the event that you do find yourself alone, here are eight things that are always better solo.