Here’s the question: Did he cheat if he liked his next girlfriend before he broke up with you?

Emotional infidelity, that’s the subject of the debate. Is it cheating if he feels it and thinks it but doesn’t act on it? What if he falls for someone but then breaks up with you before acting on his impulses? Does that make it less bad? Does that mean he did the honorable thing because he didn’t cheat on you? Or is he, still, a worthless piece of crap? How fine is this line?

It seems that what constitutes cheating is getting expanded with every new generation of iPhone. There are, without any doubt, more ways to cheat than ever before. You can sext, Skype sex, cybersex, phone sex, and, hell, I’ve even known a few women who believed that if their boyfriend jerked off to porn it was an act of cheating. If he’s getting off with another live human being, and getting her off, that’s cheating, IMO. But, again, that’s just my take. Getting off to porn, sorry, that’s some Kool-Aid I can’t swallow.

Because here’s the thing: you can’t punish a man by what he feels and thinks. You can brand him on the basis of what he does. Sexting, cybersex, phone sex, etc., these are actions he takes. And they’re acts that betray the commitment you’ve made to each other (for you polys out there, I want to clarify, actions that haven’t been condoned or agreed upon by all partners involved in the relationship. Lawyered!). After all, if thoughts and feelings constitute infidelity, then isn’t everyone guilty at some point?

You’re at a party with some friends, boyfriend may or may not be there, you spot a guy across the room and think, “he’s hot.” Not cheating, right? I mean, we all can admit to finding people other than our partners attractive. Doesn’t mean we act on it. And if we don’t act on the thought then it doesn’t count as cheating, in my book. It doesn’t warrant confessing. Even the bureau of Pre-Crime couldn’t touch you because there wasn’t a intent to act.

Now let’s go a little further: You’re having a conversation with a guy that is not your boyfriend, he makes you laugh, and you share some personal information about each other. You think, “he’s really cute.” Cheating? Nothing sexual was discussed. You didn’t make plans to meet up at a motel. A little personal stuff’s been shared You just felt that flicker of attraction that passes between two people when they’re interacting. Still innocent in my book.

Now, here’s major league scenario: you fall in love with someone else. You’ve never said it to him. You’ve never done anything with him. But you’ve fallen and you’re involved with someone else. Are you cheating?

Emotions aren’t something we can dictate terms to. We have emotional control in so much that we can control what actions we take based on those feelings, and sometimes we don’t even have that (OCD, anyone? Addicts?). Bottom line, the emotional and fantasy elements aren’t something we can filter with absolute certainty. Nor should we have to.

However, if you tell that person you’ve fallen for that you’re plunging headfirst before you’ve told your partner, then, yeah, you’re cheating. Again, one man’s opinion. Confession is an action. Confession has intent. Most of the time.

On the other hand, if you end things with your partner and then confess those feelings, it’s a sh*tty situation but I can’t cast you out for infidelity. You did the best you could under those circumstances. You acted with care because you didn’t prolong a relationship that wasn’t working. You took the hit and then took your shot. What more could a person be expected to do? The easy answer is, “not fall for someone else in the first place” and, yes, that’s a f*cking easy answer. Life’s full of easy answers.

As per usual with some of my posts, all of this is really an attempt to ask all of you a question. What makes him a cheater?

Just thinking out loud,

The Dude

Stank breath– I wouldn’t make out with a shoe….sooo…yea, go brush your teeth. And Floss.

Chomping– This is a personal turnoff of mine! I can’t handle when people chomp their food, that’s an instant deal breaker.

“Texas…Fight!” – In the midst of getting it on, an old flame once sat up and yelled, “TEXAS!” …So I sat up and said, “…Fight?” I get that you love UT but really? Interrupting the mood to chant TEXAS FIGHT is a definite no-no.

Dick Slap– Hey, I’m right there with every other girl who loves Jason Segal! But unless you’re starring in a Mila Kunis movie, please spare me the sight of your junk swinging back and forth, making slapping noises against your thighs.

Too big- I want to enjoy sex…not feel like you’re piercing my insides.

Too small– Wait, I said I want to enjoy sex, right?

Hair flip for side swiped hair– It’s one thing if you’re Zac Efron…but since you’re not, why are you in your 20’s with a Cole & Dylan Sprouse haircut?

Beer gut- If I’m going to make it a point to do a few sit-ups in my weekly regime, I think you can handle that, too.

Ass hair extremo- A little man-hair is sexy, but a shag rug on your butt-cheeks? Not cute.

Semi-clean– I say “semi” because I know that after having to study for three exams, with no sleep, it’s a lot to ask to have a spotless apartment. But if you’re inviting me over, the least you can do is Fabreeze the place!

No manners– a simple please and thank you? Come on, how hard is that?!

Telling me you’re single…when you’re not– With Facebook around, why even try to get away with something like that? I’d prefer not to reach home-wrecker status before I turn 22, let alone ever!

Blowing me off to hang with your friends- I am all for friend-time, but when it comes down to ditching me to be with them, the relationship is not going to work.

Arrogance- I don’t care how much money your Dad makes, what fraternity you’re in or that you “can get any girl you want.” In the words of David Spade, “Buh-bye!”

Intellectual arrogance- Don’t get me wrong, I love a good stimulating conversation. But there’s a fine line between discussing something and boasting how much you know about the subject. And I’m sorry but I don’t care that you’ve read Hamlet nine times…you’re still pretentious and you’re still single.

It’s all about you– If you’ve asked me out on a date, the least you can do is get to know me! I mean seriously, I don’t know how many more questions I can pull out of my ass. Ask me things about myself! How hard is that?

Delay between texts- I once dated a guy who would literally wait SEVEN hours to text back. Rude, annoying and a complete waste of my time!

Indecisiveness- If you can’t make up your mind whether or not you like me, I’ll make it simple for you. Whatever was going on between us is dunzo.

Mr. Desperate- I need a little chase! While seven hours may be too long to text back, seven minutes won’t kill me. Keep me guessing, don’t smother me!

Do you agree with my list of turn offs? I know my opinionated readers are out there, so let me know what you think! What are your biggest turn offs?

And because I know you’re dying to find out what his biggest turn offs are, read what He Said over at Coed Magazine…

A new study performed by researchers at the University of Guelph in Ontario in partner with those at Indiana University looked into various motivations for why couples commit infidelity. The study, involving 918 men and women in monogamous sexual relationships, found that those who are less confident in their sexual performance or are unsure that they are living up to their lovers’ expectations are nearly three times more likely to cheat. This anxiety about performance is a new and interesting addition to the many findings about cheating. The study also confirmed that risk-taking men or men that are easily aroused are also more likely to stray. Women, on the other hand, are more likely to cheat if they are dissatisfied with their current relationship.

Professor Robin Milhausen says that, “taken at face value, this research might seem to just support sexual stereotypes: Women are just concerned about the relationship and, for men, once a cheater, always a cheater, regardless of the relationship. But the caveat is that there are a lot of variants and factors that are not explained here that might impact whether one cheats… The research shows that demographic variables may not influence decision-making as much as previously thought- that personality matters more, especially for men.”

Overall, these findings showcase some light on possible reasons for why so many people commit infidelity. Although it is important to not overemphasize the meaning behind these conclusions, they may be valuable to help solve the cheating crisis and put people back in the monogamous bedroom again.

Have you ever cheated or been cheated on? What do you think the motivation is for most cheaters? Is it simply too hard to be monogamous?

For many people it was no surprise that California’s former governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and ex-IMF chief, Dominique Strauss-Kahn, were both caught in significant sex scandals earlier this month. Just like many powerful politicians before them, including Bill Clinton, John Edwards, John McCain, Gary Hart, Donald Trump, John Ensign, Eliot Spitzer, John F. Kennedy, Ted Kennedy, Franklin D. Roosevelt, (and the list goes on), Schwarzenegger and Strauss-Kahn just seemed to be following the same broken-down path as their predecessors, from serious power to serial infidelity. For many people, the correlation between powerful men and philandering is old news. Like a used-up cliché, it becomes unsurprising and even predictable to assume that influential men are acting out and sleeping around. (Check out Why Dudes Downgrade)

However, Dr. Douglas Weiss, a well-established marriage counselor and the president of the American Association for Sex Addiction Therapy, speaks out against this popular assumption in his interview with Postmedia news. “There are a lot of very successful, type-A personality men who don’t cheat,” he says. Weiss explains that cheaters come from all different socioeconomic and cultural backgrounds. Instead of having money or power in common, many philanders simply value pleasure over principles and share the need to fulfill sexual addictions. Weiss concludes by suggesting several traits that are better signs of a man’s infidelity including, “unaccounted-for time and spending, complaints about the couples’ sex life, avoiding sex, or displays of emotional immaturity.” Although these are not definite signs of infidelity, they are much better indicators than the behavior of a long-line of shady politicians. It is not the high-profile life style, the money, or the power that creates a cheater. Weiss adds, “People cheat because they want to cheat.”

Cheaters have no distinguishing mark, no scarlet ‘A’ burned into their chests, and we can’t pick them out based on their success, their position in society, or their cash-flow. The truth is, anyone is capable of infidelity, not just the rich and famous. Although I am not suggesting to be paranoid, untrusting, or suspicious, it is important to know the facts. Most statistics show that 50-70% of men have cheated at least one in their lives and even though politicians may make up a decent portion of that percent, there is still a chance that others to be similarly unfaithful. And if these stats extend beyond the rich and famous, that means it extends into our college campuses. So what does that mean for the average college girl?

Have you even been cheated on? Have you ever cheated? What made you do it?

Dear Tuffy Luv,

After coming home for my first winter break, I’ve noticed a trend among many of my high school friends. Many of them are becoming “the other woman/man” to their new college love interests. Upon further inspection, I realized some of them have even cheated on their significant others from high school, even with people they went to high school with. One friend’s new college boyfriend even cheated on her while he was in the same room as her, and she took him back. All of this new information makes me wonder: Why do people cheat? Is cheating more socially acceptable in college than it was in high school? Is cheating ever socially acceptable? Do people feel guilty when they cheat? Is it better to confess to cheating or to never tell someone it happened? Is once a cheater always a cheater?

The reason why this personally affects me is because I met a boy I like in college. We’ve been dating since the beginning of the year and I trust him completely. He’s a great guy. He calls me when he says he will, tells me that he loves me, and never pressures me to do anything I don’t want to. But I also thought my high school friends are good people. Am I just a bad judge of character? Should I be suspicious of him? Or is my loss of innocence about my friends making me paranoid towards my boyfriend?

I realize this is a pretty loaded letter, but it’s really bothering me that I might just be the only naive person in the world that thinks monogamy is possible. I’d really appreciate your help.

Thank you,
Naive Freshman

Dear Naive Freshman,

You are a sweetie and I want to bottle you and love you and take you home.

But, like, platonic-like, see? Tuffy got herself a man.

As a matter of fact, I’ve had my man for almost 7 years, and nary a cheat. See? Totally possible.

Here’s the thing, Naive Freshman. Youse guys are in a very transitional place right now. Up until college, you probably had a very small pool of love interests and a very limited ability to control your social lives — because, you know, you were teenagers. Now, for the first time, there’s freedom! There are multiple fish! There are all kinds of exciting new people and things!

A lot of people come to college in a relationship, because it’s hard to imagine the leap from high school to college. Once they’re there, they often don’t wanna break up with their high school sweethearts because it’s a little umbilical cord of safety, but they also want to experience the new things that college brings. And so: they cheat.

I am happy to report that this eases up with each passing year.

However, yes. Cheaters are majorly in existence. I can assure you that from the multitude of similarly worded letters I get every week (“I got cheated on” or “I’m cheating on my boyfriend” and, either way, here’s why it sucks). Cheating, unfortunately, is alive and well.

Well, Tuffy sez, EFF ‘EM!!! Cheaters suck, no matter why or when they do it.

Watch for the signs, kiddies:

(1) Significant Other acts shady whenever you bring up a certain person/place/thing/whatever.
(2) Sig Oth won’t go to a certain place with you, even though you know he/she goes there all the time.
(3) Phone calls or many texts at weird times of the night.
(4) Constant talking about another girl.
(5) Is generally a liar or other sort of crappy person.

Really, the main sign is that you’re getting a weird feeling. Trust your gut. If he/she is acting supes weird, something is up. Have a talk about it, and if it still seems weird, chances are something is REALLY up.

The good news is, lots of people are NOT cheaters. And thank the floop for them. It sounds to Aunt Tuffy like your guy is a genuine, sweet, non-cheating guy. If he hasn’t given you any reason to worry, then don’t worry. And that goes for all of you. NEVER be suspicious just to be suspicious–guaranteed the (good!) guy will get sick of your crazy ways and hightail it out.

Honey, you’re not naive. You’re just one of the good ones.

Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv

Like a little pain? Get more Tough Love right here.

I was tucked into bed on Wednesday night (well…technically Thursday morning since it was 1 am) flipping through the channels on TV to decide on a good bedtime story for my roommate and I.  After the usual Sex and the City disappointment, “UGH we JUST saw this episode” we were thrilled to stumble across our second favorite show: The Millionaire Matchmaker. Using commercial breaks as bonding time, we typically do not take much notice to the commercials.  But while gossiping about our latest drama, one particularly racy commercial caught our attention again and again and again.  It was a bit confusing, but it aired at least once during every break.

Take a look:

With no explanation of exactly what the advertisement was for, we were confused and interested.  WHAT is this website?! I grabbed my laptop, closed out of Facebook and searched for ashleymadison.com.

And what was it? “The World’s Premier Discreet Dating Service.” Now, nothing about this website was discreet, but it did have a creative motto: “Life is short, have an affair.”

Yes, my friends, this is a dating website.  For married people.  To find a cheating lover.  With 5.4 million members??? We were shocked!  Naturally, I googled the agency to read the buzz and to get to the bottom of this operation.  One blog writer claimed that the owner offered Tiger Woods $5 million to be the spokesperson.  Most likely a rumor, but funny enough to mention.  Of course there were numerous YouTube hits of President Noel Biderman on almost every talk show out there.  I thought to myself, “this guy is making a fortune off of ruining people’s lives… I  need to hear what the hell he has to say for himself.”

He preached the purpose of his website on Tyra, The View, CNN, etc. making ridiculous claims about how he believes he is actually helping people.  As he explains, about 30% (no idea where he got this statistic) of people on regular dating sites lie about their marital status so that they can start an affair.  Clearly an overwhelmingly good-natured person, he claims that eliminating these deceitful people from dating sites will help honest single hopefuls in their quest to find true love online.  He validates his company mission in a similar way to how a pro-gunman would support the legality of gun ownership, “guns don’t kill people; people kill people.”  Translated to assisted affairs:  the website does not make people cheat, it only helps those who have already decided to cheat find others in the same mindset.

Biderman is confident that he cannot convince someone to cheat, and that those who join have already made the decision to go down that path.  While this may be true to an extent, it is no rationale.  Some people who are conflicted in their marriages may think about wanting to cheat but never take action because it is too risky and the consequences would not be worth it.  This website creates an outlet for those individuals, making it extremely simple and “risk free” to start an affair.  Suddenly, something that they have only thought about doing becomes a realistic option.  There is a huge difference between thinking about cheating, and actually doing it.  Not to mention, the refund policy (of the completely reasonable $250 application fee) can only be awarded to those who have tried to contact twenty people.  Right, he can’t force someone to cheat, but he will require them to try TWENTY times before they can get their money back for failed efforts.  Oh, and he’s married with two kids.

Yeah, I know – WTF, dude?

[It's pretty obvious that the average CollegeCandy reader has some very strong opinions. Opinions that she likes to share with everyone on the site. We love a strong woman, so we thought we'd give her a real forum to discuss her thoughts, feelings, and perspectives. Every Friday I'll be featuring a hot topic (like coed rommmates!) and leaving it up to you, the readers, to duke it out. So, read it and get your debate on in the comments section below!]

Well, now that group sex is on the menu, it seems like a good time to clarify an age old debate – what is cheating? Some say it’s sex, others say kissing, still others say even thoughts can be cheating, so now it’s time to voice your vote ladies; in a world of committed threesomes, phone sex and the office wife, what really counts as cheating?

We’ve all heard the old “zip code” rule and it’s variants – “it doesn’t count if you’re not in the same zip code/state/country/bedroom” and I for one have never bought into it, but there might be some others that I would at least consider more forgivable. Level of alcohol, for instance, could definitely be a factor, and the same goes for drugs. Anything mind altering at least makes it slightly more reasonable that you didn’t know what you were doing.

But then, what were you doing? Sex? Sex would definitely cross my “cheater” line, regardless of who it was with, and I don’t buy that “oral/anal isn’t really sex” thing either. But what about making out? And how many kisses qualify as making out? Or is it just kissing, because I have certainly had some kisses where I was not a willing participant.

Then of course you get into the kinky sex idea – is a threesome cheating? How about swinging? If both parts of your relationship are willing partners, it doesn’t seem like it should count as cheating – but at the same time, I can’t say that I wouldn’t want to do this if I saw my guy with another woman (I admit, I’m the jealous type). But then, what if I was with another woman? If a girl who’s not inherently sexually attracted to women has an experimental night, is that cheating too? (Note: my BF says it’s OK as long as I video it. Thanks, honey.)

And what happens if there’s nothing physical? We’ve all heard the phrase “emotional affair” thrown around and the idea of the office wife is pretty common, so does non-physical cheating still count? It would be a lot harder to detect, and a lot harder to accuse someone of. In fact, an emotional affair, in a lot of ways, would be like having a best friend, except that there might be some potential for sexual attraction. At what point does a close, personal bond cross into cheating territory?

Ok, so I’ve posed a lot of ideas here – now it’s time for you to do the heavy-lifting. It’s time to tell the world what we really think cheating is. The horizontal mambo? A little tongue-hockey? Or is there something more to it altogether?  Duke it out, girls!

[It's pretty obvious that the average CollegeCandy reader has some very strong opinions. Opinions that she likes to share with everyone on the site.

We love a strong woman, so we thought we'd give her a real forum to discuss her thoughts, feelings, and perspectives. Every Friday I'll be featuring a hot topic (like strippercising!) and leaving it up to you, the readers, to duke it out. So, read it and get your debate on in the comments section below!]

It’s like having your heart ripped out of your chest and tapped danced on by a sumo wrestler in stilettos – getting cheated on. And as if that’s not bad enough, the horrible feeling of being cheated on often comes along with it’s mustache-twirling evil twin – the repentant cheater – putting you in the awkward position of having to decide an important personal issue while a part of your soul is still being crushed into a fine powder.

Now I don’t condone cheating (if my boyfriend is reading this, don’t even think about it, pal!) but there are actually people who cheat once and would never do it again. Sometimes it’s a stupid thing like partying way too hard and making a bad decision. Other times it’s a stupid thing they choose to do once and realize what a horrible mistake it was. Either way, a lot of these people end up cheating and then finding that they really don’t want to be with anyone but their partner.

But then again, isn’t that always the story? Nobody comes back and says “I’m probably gonna try not to cheat on you again for a while” and expects to be taken back. And the truth is – as begrudgingly as I admit it – some of us just aren’t designed for monogamy. Some people really do feel bad, but go right on doing it anyway (for anyone who’s ever had ice cream for dinner, you know what that’s like).

The sad fact is that, while there are exceptions, many people who cheat, cheat again. So even knowing that, should you take them back? Sure, you want to, a part of you is probably aching to, but does that mean you should? And what about the truly repentant? Should they be punished because of a statistical probability? Or should you just do this?

What do you think? Duke it out, ladies. Duke it out.

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