Dear Dude,

Here’s the situation: about a year ago I lost my virginity to this guy, let’s call him Charlie. I had started to fall in love with him a while before that, but the problem was that he was dating my cousin, let’s call her Carla, and they had been together for about a year. We started talking and hooking up occasionally (no sex) until last December she found out. They broke up and then a few days after that I had sex with him, which Carla also found out about. Charlie and I started seeing each other on a regular basis for about a month or two until I left for a month of vacation. When I came back they had gotten back together, but we still slept together anyways. In February we finally ended our physical relationship, but still kept talking on a regular basis. He was back with Carla and I was completely devastated. In March I met my current boyfriend and decided I was going to get over Charlie and I cut him off from my life in every way for about two months, until one day I couldn’t take it anymore and texted him, which eventually led to talking and hooking up again.

Charlie and Carla had been together until very recently, when they supposedly broke up definitively. I have betrayed my cousin, with whom I don’t speak to since last year, I have betrayed my boyfriend various times (he doesn’t know), as Charlie and I speak almost every day and have sex about once every 1-2 weeks, and I have been feeling like a terrible person for the past year. I have gone to therapy, I’ve told my closest friends and even my mother about this but I still can’t get over this guy. He’s made it clear he wants no relationship from me, but when we are together he is a complete gentleman and the physical attraction between us is the greatest I have ever felt. But I love my boyfriend, too… Do I fight for Charlie like I never actually have, or try to disconnect myself from him once more and try to focus on my relationship with my loving boyfriend? Love or lust? Help!

Dear…Sal Valestra

(Seriously, ladies, please include a pseudonym or I’ll just keep making up geeky names to call you.)

If it were a movie, no one would believe you. Also, not a lot of folks might like you, but some might. There’re no two ways about it: you’ve got it bad for one boy that you’ve never really been allowed to have and have another boy that’s never really had you. Do you confess? Do you fight for the unattainable? First thing to do is look at what this whole thing’s cost you and what it has given you.

It cost you a relationship with your cousin. Of course, you might not have liked your cousin, who knows? Probably not, based on the evidence. You’ve caused yourself to constantly live a lie and live under the possibility of being found out by your current boyfriend. You’ve been playing the other woman to your cousin, who this guy is still very much not over and, additionally, he doesn’t want anything from you. So, you’ve sabotaged, used, been used, betrayed, had lots of great sex, managed to snag a nice boy, keep another guy on the side and set yourself up for a ton more drama. That’s what you’ve taken and given from the situation.

What could you possibly do to top all of that?

It sounds to me like you don’t want your boyfriend. I’m sorry, but the way you’ve treated him just doesn’t make me trust the idea that you love him. Oh, you can hurt people you love, but you can’t keep hurting them and expect your love to gain weight. At least from an outside party’s perspective. You want “Carl.” So, go for him. Dump the boyfriend.

You’ve dug a heck of a hole for yourself and there’s no way you’re coming out of it clean. Period. You can come out of it with a clear sense of what you want and what you need. You want “Carl.” You’ve wanted “Carl” and now’s the time if there was ever going to be one. The question is, does “Carl” want you? Beats me. Sounds like he might and he might not. It might take some time before he gets his head on straight, if ever.

There’s something fascinating about this kind of relationship drama we weave for ourselves. Lust can destroy trust. Lust is a powerful and addictive drug. Like most drugs you have periods where you it helps more than it hurts until it hurts more than it helps. And then you’ll take a break and come back to it. There’s no question it sounds like you’re a bit addicted to what you have with “Carl.” And why wouldn’t you be? I’m not placing blame or judgment on it. Lots of people fall into it. It’s just you betrayed several people at the expense of your drug of choice. And that you can stop right now!

End it with the boyfriend and go after the lust bunny that you really want. Will you end up alone? Maybe. But you might also just get some closure. You could also just tell you BF what you’ve been doing the whole time behind his back and ask for forgiveness. That’s if you want to keep him. Which I don’t think you really do.

I hate to go off on a bit of a rant here but let’s be honest about infidelity: it’s a betrayal and major act of disrespect to the person you’re cheating on. The lines with poly relationships are blurrier and more complex but even in such cases infidelity does still exist. Infidelity is about breaking the boundaries and trust of the relationship you’re in. Whatever those boundaries and trusts are. Violations of that kind are insulting as well as injuring. You can make all the excuses in the world, claim to be out of control, but let’s not scapegoat on hormones or social constructs. People choose to cheat. People choose to violate. People choose to give in. Rarely are you made to at knife-point or gunpoint and then we don’t call it cheating, do we? We call it a far worse act. And make no mistake you haven’t done anything against your will. Now you’ve just got to clean up your mess the best you can.

Make another choice. Move forward. End the duplicity, one way or the other. You’ll be amazed at how much less stress you might find yourself. There will probably be consequences but, hey, cause and effect. All you can do is try to make the next choice as best you can.

Choosing…wisely,

Indiana Dude

I’m the Dude with a blue box called the Tardis that allows me to explore the ends of time and space-wait that’s another guy with a ‘D’ sounding name isn’t it? Better than that, I’m a Dude that knows the inner workings of Dudes and I’m ready to spill all, whether you’re ready or not. Send your question over to askthedude [at] collegecandy [dot] com.

God bless smartphones and Facebook. Where would our stalking abilities be today without those two? When our friends want to set us up with their hot friend, what’s the first question we ask? First and last name please! First impressions are no longer made in person, they happen through the Internet. Sad? Eh, maybe. But hey, much easier to weed ‘em out that way! If there’s zero potential for attraction or if the guy has “strip clubs” topping his list of interests, all I’m saying is that checking out his profile may save you from one miserable first date.

It’s obvious that technology makes the courting process easier, too. Being newly single for the past month, I’ve realized that every guy who has asked me out so far starts with Facebook. They send a message, we chat for a bit, they ask for my number, the messaging moves to texts and then finally we meet face-to-face. It may be a little depressing that a good ‘ol fashion, “Hi, would you like to go on a date with me?” is now considered creepy rather than endearing, but at least we’ve got some form of courting taking place these days!

But once you’re actually in a relationship, does technology make waves for the pair? I’ve known couples where neither have a Facebook so that the other doesn’t have to wonder if someone’s exchanging secret messages with a mysterious third. But even if there’s no social networking involved, smartphones have optional pass-codes where the phone owner must enter a password in order to unlock the phone. So unless neither have iPhones or social networking accounts, I’m going to put it out there that technology can make cheating easier.

Sure, it’s easy to creep on the girl who posted on your boyfriend’s wall, but unless he shares his login information with you, you’ll never know if messages have been swapped. The same goes for phones. If you aren’t given his pass-code, chances are he might be texting someone else. The same goes for girls with pass-codes and login information, too. There’s a simple solution to both scenarios, though; allow each other to know both sets of information or trust that both are faithful and leave it at that. The downside to the former is that one person might be inclined to check more often than the other and that can worsen trust in the relationship. Then again, if one partner doesn’t want to exchange user information, the other is going to question their trust regardless.

Another reason technology can make cheating easier is by throwing a public label out there. I’ve known guys in the past who had girlfriends but wouldn’t go “FBO” (Facebook official) because they wanted other girls to think they were single. Yep, red flag! Yes, the guy is a douchelord, but the girl obviously isn’t the brightest if she’s not questioning his motive behind that one. I know not all couples broadcast their relationships, but in today’s world where social media has become the norm, it’s definitely safe to wonder why a significant other won’t.

As with phones, the last guy I dated had a codename for his ex-girlfriend. He let me know the pass-code to his phone but probably thought I wouldn’t figure the name thing out. Wrong! He told me he had stopped talking to her, but I had a feeling he wasn’t quite telling me the truth. Should I have been snooping through his phone in the first place? The best answer I can give is no, but since there was a lot of reasonable doubt in my mind, it was justified. In my situation, what I found definitely helped me break away from him. But the bottom line is that if you trust your boyfriend or girlfriend, there’s no reason to go through their stuff, it’s as simple as that.

The tricky thing about technology is that “delete” is always an option. So whether or not cheating is taking place, it’s possible that the evidence can disappear within seconds of the exchange. My only advice is to go with your gut instinct. If you feel like he’s a cheating bastard, chances are he just might be! Or if you feel like she’s seeing another dude, it’s a definite possibility! It’s always good to be aware, but if you’ve been given no reason to question their technology devices (and trust), don’t go there, it’s more trouble than it’s worth.

Wanna see what He Says about cheating and technology? Head on over to COED!

[It's pretty obvious that the average CollegeCandy reader has some very strong opinions. Opinions that she likes to share with everyone on the site. We love a strong woman (unless she happens to be charging at us with her fists raised), so we thought we'd give her a real forum to discuss her thoughts, feelings, and perspectives. Every Friday I'll be featuring a hot topic (like botox! ) and leaving it up to you, the readers, to duke it out. So, read it and get your debate on in the comments section below!]

Cheating has always been, will always be, a touchy subject. We’ve debated what cheating is, whether you should forgive a cheater, but now it’s time to turn those sneers inward and ask the dirty little question – what if you cheat? (BF DISCLAIMER: This is all totally hypothetical, I promise!) There seems to be a little dissent about whether or not (assuming you don’t get caught) you should confess that you cheated and I think it’s time we got a consensus.

On the one hand – you cheated! Of course you should tell you significant other and take your lumps. Part of being in a grown up relationship (or even a not so grown up one) is being honest with each other and being able to trust that no matter what happens you will deal with it together. Admittedly, this would totally suck if you were the one who had to go begging for forgiveness, and there is a chance that the whole thing will fall apart because of your confession, but otherwise you’re basically forcing yourself and your SI to live a lie.

Also, there’s pretty much always some underlying reason why a person cheats, and if you never admit what you did, odds are that reason is just going to fester inside of your relationship and slowly destroy it anyway. Whether it’s breaking up or getting help for the relationship, at least by admitting it things are moving forward instead of stuck in the bogs fake intimacy.

But, there are some valid reasons not to come clean too (I can’t believe I’m saying this – don’t even think about it, mister!). Obviously, every situation is different, so it’s hard to make a no-exceptions ruling. Some people do cheat once and then realize what a mistake it was and recommit to their relationship. And if you’re never going to cheat again, then isn’t confessing making your partner suffer the torture of knowing they’ve been cheated on just to ease your own guilt? Wouldn’t it be kinder to take the burden of that misery on yourself, to make you and only you live with the pain of what you’ve done and spare the person you care about that anxiety that (let’s face it) will never totally go away? Is it fair that they should have to spend sleepless nights wondering about it, that they should have to question every night you come home late, every friend that’s a little too good looking? No, it’s not. So if you could save them from that, would it be better to?

So here I am on the fence. It’s hard to say what I would do in the situation, or what I would want my man to do if he found himself in it (have I mentioned what a nice bonfire all of your stuff would make, baby? Yeah, seriously, don’t.). Where do you stand? Have you been there? Does anyone else have that Usher song stuck in their heads?  Duke it out, girls!

"I swear, I wasn't cheating on you."

Need some advice? Ask nicely and I’ll hook you up. Email me at tuffyluv@collegecandy.com and I’ll get back to you on the fly.

Dear Tuffy Luv,

Please respond! I’m in a rough spot.

Also, this is a very long story.

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2 1/2 years. We love each other very much and he is my best friend, but we have had a lot of trust issues. It all started close to a year into our relationship. I went over to his apartment one evening to hang out and he was watching football so I sat down at his computer to entertain myself with the internet. I wasn’t snooping but something in an open AIM window caught my eye. The last line of the conversation read “Wait don’t you have a girlfriend?” So being curious I read the rest of the convo. To sum the whole thing up, this chick (who he had been trying to set his good friend up with) was flirting with him and he said ” If I were to go there, or you were to come here, we would hook up. Don’t pretend like it wouldn’t happen.” And she pretty much agreed.

So after reading this I confronted him. He said that in the process of trying to hook his friend up with her, the girl developed feelings for my boyfriend and he just didn’t want to hurt her feelings. I told him  that he needed to be honest with her and tell her that he has a girlfriend and nothing was going to happen between them. I made him show me the AIM conversation in which he said this to her.

Understandably, after this incident I became intensely paranoid. So, I stole his Myspace password. Not only his Myspace password but Facebook, Yahoo, and Gmail. I know that that’s really horrible but I didn’t know what else to do because I really didn’t want to break up with him but I didn’t feel I could trust him. Everything had been fine until twice in the past month or two the girl that originally set this whole thing into motion has sent naked pictures to his Gmail.

I’m pretty much fed up with this stuff but I don’t know where to go from here. I don’t know how to confront him about all of this. I feel just as guilty as him because of my dishonesty with stealing his PWs. Even though I know it might be the right thing to do, I don’t want to break up with him. I have invested so much in this relationship. He really is my best friend.  But trust is a key component in a relationship and I think ours has been so badly damaged it can’t ever be repaired. How do I admit to my dishonesty and is there any way to repair this? Please help.

Thanks,
Lost

Dear Lost,

Dump his lying a** and get yourself someone who doesn’t completely suck.

Look, there’s no way to fix this. He’s being completely dishonest with you, and, as you know, you’re being dishonest with him. I really doubt there’s any way back from this.

And why would you want to stay in a relationship with someone like this guy? You say you guys are best friends, but this is not a friend, honey. This is a man who flirts with other women online and accepts nude photos. If he’s doing it online, he’s doing it in person. If he hasn’t cheated on you yet (which, to be honest, I’m pretty sure he has), he’ll be doing as soon as he gets up the nerve.

You were definitely wrong to get his passwords and to look at his private information. This is not the way to have a relationship and I recommend you don’t do it in your next one.

But he was DEFINITELY wrong to carry on online relationships with these women. And he’s made no effort to stop, either! That’s the part that really grinds Tuffy’s gears. He makes up really lame excuses and then keeps right on.

Dump him, girl. He is not worth your time. This is not an investment. This is a dud.

Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv

"You're too good for him! DO YOU HEAR ME?!"

Got a question? Email tuffyluv@collegecandy and I’ll break it down real slow for ya.

Dear Tuffy Luv,

I’ve been seeing a guy for about eight months. Eight rocky months. At times things are amazing and at others, they’re terrible. On top of this (probably at the center of it) is I only get to see him once a week, if that. Granted we live in the same city with a bus system that works quite well. However, he’s never had me over, I haven’t met his family, and he only comes to my place.

Now fast forward to this morning when I checked my phone and saw a message from a strange number basically saying: “You can have ‘insert boy’s name here’. Bet you didn’t know he had a girl did you? Oh well, doesn’t matter now. Good luck with him. You’re going to need it.”

I sent it to him and he said he lost his phone at the club and someone must have took my number out of it and sent that to me. I’ve been having gut feelings about another girl being in the picture the whole time and it definitely makes sense. But yet I’m still conflicted – I love him, should I believe him? Or should I just move on? I feel like I deserve someone that will put more into a relationship, but yet the feelings I have for him are so strong it confuses me. I don’t know what to do. Please help.

J

Dear J,

Girl, dump that piece of garbage on the curb where he be-LONGS!

Really, honestly, J. Do you really, deep down in your heart of hearts, think there’s a chance he’s not cheating on you? He’s making a fool of you, honey! And to add insult to injury, he didn’t even bother to think of a convincing lie!

Look, I guarantee 100% this guy has at LEAST one other girl. And she dumped him, but, guess what? He probably already has another one lined up. This is a guy who could give a shoop about your feelings. He does NOT respect you. He is cheating on you and then having a good laugh about it.

And now why, why, really WHY would you want to be with someone like this?! Have some self-respect! Forget the feelings you have for him. There will be other men you will have feelings for. He’s manipulating you into feeling as though you love him, but he’s treating you like just another whore. I realize that’s a strong word, but, seriously–the worst part about this whole thing is his lame excuse for an excuse. Why would someone random at a club choose to send a message like that, and how would they know you’re the one to send it to? Come on! It just doesn’t make sense!

Let’s say on the off (off, off, OFF) chance he’s telling the truth. Which, by the way, I promise he’s not. But even if he was – why would you want to be with someone who doesn’t even care about you enough to introduce you to anyone or anything in his life?

He’s cheating on you, he’s disrespecting you, and he’s treating you like a bastard stepchild. Dump his ass and get on with your life. Which, by the way, can be filled with so. many. better people.

Hearts & Skulls,

Tuffy Luv

Ask any girl what the worst thing her boyfriend/fiancée/husband could do to her, and the answer is probably going to be the same: cheat. To most women, cheating is the ultimate betrayal of trust, which is probably why, when they find out their man’s been unfaithful, so many women get angry and seek revenge.

Scary, serious revenge.

Famous stories of women getting revenge on their cheating partners have circulated in gossip and in the news for years: women have reportedly cut up their husband’s clothing, dumped all their husband’s belongings in the front yard, and even destroyed their cars (the subject of Carrie Underwood’s hit song “Before He Cheats,” the story of one woman getting revenge on her cheating man by smashing up his car with a Louisville Slugger®). Another story tells of the wife of a British radio-talk show host, who sold her husband’s $45,000 car on eBay for 90 cents after she heard him tell a woman on the air that he’d leave his wife for her. One woman even paid for a billboard ad advertising her husband’s infidelity (see picture above)!

Even some celebrities have sought revenge on their philandering lovers: Lisa “Left-Eye” Lopes (formerly of the band TLC) set fire to her boyfriend’s house after discovering his infidelity, and comedian Terri Garr has admitted to smashing the windows of her boyfriend’s house in the middle of the night.

But this story is undoubtedly the worst of all: earlier this week, a woman in India, after discovering that her husband had been sneaking around on her, drugged him with sleeping pills. While he was sleeping, she cut off his “sausage” with a razorblade and threw it into the street, where a pack of wild dogs ate it for breakfast. Ouch. Guess she guaranteed he’ll never cheat again.

Or eat sausage.

What do you guys think? Is getting revenge on an unfaithful man right?

According to Neuman, the reason men cheat isn’t because they want a hotter piece of ass or even promiscuous sex, the reason they cheat is because their wives have stopped being nice to them. “The majority [of men] said it was an emotional disconnection, specifically a sense of feeling under-appreciated. A lack of thoughtful gestures,” Neuman is quoted as saying on Oprah.com, “Men are very emotional beings. They just don’t look like that. Or they don’t seem like that. Or they don’t tell you that.”

Even though Neuman said he wrote his book to “empower women,” a lot of people are kind of pissed off with his findings. Even though the good counselor doesn’t come right out and say it’s the wives’ or girlfriends’ fault when their partner strays, saying that men cheat because they don’t feel appreciated is basically saying it’s the wives’ or girlfriends’ fault! Because who doesn’t the husband or boyfriend feel appreciated by? That’s right — his partner.

Before you start yelling about how I’m irrational or judgemental or whatever, I can understand part of what Neuman is talking about; when people feel unfulfilled in a relationship, they tend to start looking for something better. Being treated like crap (or just ignored) for a long time would make anyone fall into a stranger’s arms. But there is such a thing as communication; talking out your problems, going to counseling, asking a partner for more of their time. And then when communication doesn’t work, there is also such a thing as ending the relationship.

So, sorry, I just don’t buy the fact that men cheat because they feel unappreciated and have no way to change it. No one’s backing these dudes in a corner and telling them that cheating is the only way to regain their happiness. If you’re not content with your spouse, work hard and talk it out or break the f*ck up.

A lot of men cheat because society has given them an out — continuously telling them that they’re hot-wired to go after every pair of boobs they see. Maybe men have a different biological make-up that constitutes a higher sex drive, but most people have heard of the word self control. We hold ourselves back when we want to kill our boss or that person who cuts us off on the highway, so I’m pretty sure, if a guy really tried, he could hold back from cheating.

Gary Neuman, and all the other “writers” who want to give men yet another excuse to throw off monogamy, should probably take a second to think about what they’re doing. The more we bitch and moan about why we do bad things, the more stupid and cowardly we look.