Dear Dude,

Here’s the situation: about a year ago I lost my virginity to this guy, let’s call him Charlie. I had started to fall in love with him a while before that, but the problem was that he was dating my cousin, let’s call her Carla, and they had been together for about a year. We started talking and hooking up occasionally (no sex) until last December she found out. They broke up and then a few days after that I had sex with him, which Carla also found out about. Charlie and I started seeing each other on a regular basis for about a month or two until I left for a month of vacation. When I came back they had gotten back together, but we still slept together anyways. In February we finally ended our physical relationship, but still kept talking on a regular basis. He was back with Carla and I was completely devastated. In March I met my current boyfriend and decided I was going to get over Charlie and I cut him off from my life in every way for about two months, until one day I couldn’t take it anymore and texted him, which eventually led to talking and hooking up again.

Charlie and Carla had been together until very recently, when they supposedly broke up definitively. I have betrayed my cousin, with whom I don’t speak to since last year, I have betrayed my boyfriend various times (he doesn’t know), as Charlie and I speak almost every day and have sex about once every 1-2 weeks, and I have been feeling like a terrible person for the past year. I have gone to therapy, I’ve told my closest friends and even my mother about this but I still can’t get over this guy. He’s made it clear he wants no relationship from me, but when we are together he is a complete gentleman and the physical attraction between us is the greatest I have ever felt. But I love my boyfriend, too… Do I fight for Charlie like I never actually have, or try to disconnect myself from him once more and try to focus on my relationship with my loving boyfriend? Love or lust? Help!

Dear…Sal Valestra

(Seriously, ladies, please include a pseudonym or I’ll just keep making up geeky names to call you.)

If it were a movie, no one would believe you. Also, not a lot of folks might like you, but some might. There’re no two ways about it: you’ve got it bad for one boy that you’ve never really been allowed to have and have another boy that’s never really had you. Do you confess? Do you fight for the unattainable? First thing to do is look at what this whole thing’s cost you and what it has given you.

It cost you a relationship with your cousin. Of course, you might not have liked your cousin, who knows? Probably not, based on the evidence. You’ve caused yourself to constantly live a lie and live under the possibility of being found out by your current boyfriend. You’ve been playing the other woman to your cousin, who this guy is still very much not over and, additionally, he doesn’t want anything from you. So, you’ve sabotaged, used, been used, betrayed, had lots of great sex, managed to snag a nice boy, keep another guy on the side and set yourself up for a ton more drama. That’s what you’ve taken and given from the situation.

What could you possibly do to top all of that?

It sounds to me like you don’t want your boyfriend. I’m sorry, but the way you’ve treated him just doesn’t make me trust the idea that you love him. Oh, you can hurt people you love, but you can’t keep hurting them and expect your love to gain weight. At least from an outside party’s perspective. You want “Carl.” So, go for him. Dump the boyfriend.

You’ve dug a heck of a hole for yourself and there’s no way you’re coming out of it clean. Period. You can come out of it with a clear sense of what you want and what you need. You want “Carl.” You’ve wanted “Carl” and now’s the time if there was ever going to be one. The question is, does “Carl” want you? Beats me. Sounds like he might and he might not. It might take some time before he gets his head on straight, if ever.

There’s something fascinating about this kind of relationship drama we weave for ourselves. Lust can destroy trust. Lust is a powerful and addictive drug. Like most drugs you have periods where you it helps more than it hurts until it hurts more than it helps. And then you’ll take a break and come back to it. There’s no question it sounds like you’re a bit addicted to what you have with “Carl.” And why wouldn’t you be? I’m not placing blame or judgment on it. Lots of people fall into it. It’s just you betrayed several people at the expense of your drug of choice. And that you can stop right now!

End it with the boyfriend and go after the lust bunny that you really want. Will you end up alone? Maybe. But you might also just get some closure. You could also just tell you BF what you’ve been doing the whole time behind his back and ask for forgiveness. That’s if you want to keep him. Which I don’t think you really do.

I hate to go off on a bit of a rant here but let’s be honest about infidelity: it’s a betrayal and major act of disrespect to the person you’re cheating on. The lines with poly relationships are blurrier and more complex but even in such cases infidelity does still exist. Infidelity is about breaking the boundaries and trust of the relationship you’re in. Whatever those boundaries and trusts are. Violations of that kind are insulting as well as injuring. You can make all the excuses in the world, claim to be out of control, but let’s not scapegoat on hormones or social constructs. People choose to cheat. People choose to violate. People choose to give in. Rarely are you made to at knife-point or gunpoint and then we don’t call it cheating, do we? We call it a far worse act. And make no mistake you haven’t done anything against your will. Now you’ve just got to clean up your mess the best you can.

Make another choice. Move forward. End the duplicity, one way or the other. You’ll be amazed at how much less stress you might find yourself. There will probably be consequences but, hey, cause and effect. All you can do is try to make the next choice as best you can.

Choosing…wisely,

Indiana Dude

I’m the Dude with a blue box called the Tardis that allows me to explore the ends of time and space-wait that’s another guy with a ‘D’ sounding name isn’t it? Better than that, I’m a Dude that knows the inner workings of Dudes and I’m ready to spill all, whether you’re ready or not. Send your question over to askthedude [at] collegecandy [dot] com.

Dear Dude,

I’m writing to you because I cannot stand sugarcoated advice, and I really can’t tell anyone else about this situation. Okay, so about a year ago, I met a guy in class and we really hit it off…. Problem was, he had a girlfriend. We started talking more and more though, he confided in me about his relationship, and our friendship grew stronger. I liked him a lot, so of course I couldn’t help but be excited when he told me that he had broken up with her.

By that point we were texting or talking pretty much daily. There had always been great chemistry between us, unlike anything I have ever felt before, so when our conversations starting turning sexual, I couldn’t have been happier to go along with it. I had never been so open with anyone; I felt as though I could tell him anything. Even more importantly, for the first time in my life I felt sexy and desired. Then, a few months later, he informed me that he was dating another girl. I was crushed, but at the same time I cared enough about him as a person that if he wanted to just be friends, I would legitimately be willing to be the best friend I could to him. If I still had him in my life and could spend time with him, I was okay with shutting down that part of our relationship at least temporarily.

So, for a while we didn’t have a problem. He would tell me about his girlfriend, about how much he loved her and never wanted to lose her. Obviously this hurt me, but I never let him know that. See, at the same time I was glad that he could still be so open with me. The problem came when he began to initiate dirty conversations again, which leads us up to the present time. I’m torn, because I still have stronger feelings for him than I have ever experienced for anyone else, and I love it when he talks to me like that. I just feel badly enabling any kind of cheating, and I don’t know how or where to draw the line. Oh, and for a further complication, would this be a good time to mention that I’m a virgin, too? I have never been in a relationship and I think that is making it even harder for me to take a firm stand here.

Finally, recently I have realized that I would not want to be dating him, anyways. Our lifestyles are not really compatible (but that’s what excites me about him – he’s a bad boy, I’m a good girl) and obviously I know firsthand of his cheating tendencies. So what should I do? Resisting him seems counter intuitive when he’s the one that I want, and yet it’s getting harder for me to treat him as a friend in public when we see each other between classes, knowing that we’ve gotten off to thoughts of each other the night before. We still see each other often and he’s very much a part of my life that I don’t want to lose, but at the same time we don’t spend any time alone together anymore because we know that if we do, our clothes are coming off, to put it simply. I can’t get him out of my mind, but I’m struggling with the idea of being “the other woman.” Telling myself that I deserve a better relationship than this doesn’t help, either, when he is the epitome of everything that I want right now. What’s the next step, Dude?

Please help!
F***able Friend

Dear F***able Friend,

A cheater cheats, always…well, maybe not but this guy sounds like he’s got a certain Ashton Kutcher pattern thing happening. By the by, thanks Ashton for making Demi Moore, the hottest MILF, back on the market!

Digression aside, you’ve got yourself into a sexy and not exactly morally ambiguous corner. Oh, you can make all the arguments about how you’re not the initiator, so it’s not as much your fault, or how you don’t really encourage him, or it’s not like the relationship he’s in sounds that serious, and so on and so on and so on. The bottom line of it is this: you want to f*ck him and it sounds like he’d like to f*ck you.

So, f*ck.

That’s what you really want to hear, isn’t it?

Look, he’s a cheater. You ain’t looking for a relationship with him. He’s made it clear he doesn’t want one with you when he dropped you for another girl. The girl’s going to get hurt no matter what once she finds out he’s a cheater. And, more likely than not, he’ll cheat with somebody, so why not you? Should you cheat? NO! Should you homewreck? NO! But all the “shoulds” in the world don’t change the fact that you two want to flip through at least the first 100 positions in Kama Sutra together. So is there really any point in me telling you not to do something you’re probably going to do anyway?

Just don’t pussyfoot around it. Accept what you’re doing: you’re going to satisfy a craving and in doing so probably hurt another person brutally. And listen, you’re not just an accomplice if you’re the girl he’s cheating with, you’re a flat out culprit. If that doesn’t bother you, then whatevs. Just accept the role you’re about to play. You’ll be the other woman. You’ll be the bitch. You’ll be dragged into his relationship drama. You’ll also, probably, have some hot sex, lose your virginity and set a precedent for all future sexual encounters and relationships with men. Probably…that’s not a definite either, it all depends on the blowback (tee-hee-hee).

If you don’t want to enable his cheating heart then you’ve got to be firm in the boundaries you set or just stop having contact with him. But you don’t want to do that, you’ve made it clear. And if the idea of looking for someone else to satisfy the craving isn’t enough, then, well, you’ve cut off all the other options. You’re wrapped up in a sexy game where you get to be the bad girl and stray from your good girl track record. We all do sh*t things in life. Sometimes they’re as bad as we think they’ll be, sometimes they aren’t, and sometimes they turn out surprisingly good for us.

I don’t endorse the cheating but it doesn’t sound like you’re looking for me to talk you out of it either. Just know the possible consequences: a LOT more drama that could ruin the whole experience with this guy. You’re an adult. Make an adult decision. Even if you know it’s wrong. Stand by it and take what comes is all I’m saying.

Telling you what you already know,

The Dude

[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of trying to come up with a not-totally-crazy-girl way to bring it up to your guy friends and get their take on things? Totally over over-analyzing the cryptic messages he leave on your Facebook Wall? We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude [at] collegecandy [dot] com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time. So bring. it. on.]

Don’t worry, I’m not talking about cheating in their relationships. A new study by the American Psychological Association has found that creative people are more likely to cheat when it comes to tests and the like. The study claims that because creative people are so flexible in their minds and can generate ideas, they can justify cheating through “self-serving rationalizations,” which means they don’t cheat so severely to the point where they feel bad about it. This study says they tested individuals for creativity and intelligence. And then the subjects were given lab tests that made it easy to cheat.

Both of the tests were paid and the individuals were basically told how to cheat, which seems to have provided an incentive to do so. The researchers did say that this could have been a problem. I’d like to see what the results would have been without the incentive of money. The study says that those who tested high in creativity were the ones who cheated more. It doesn’t say, however, how the subjects were tested for creativity.

I would, one, like to know how they determined creativity because it’s such an open thing. What makes someone creative? You can say being an artist or a writer makes you creative. Others will say the way you arrive at an idea makes you creative. How do you determine creativity through a test? I’m not quite sure. And, two, how accurate can a test be if you’re setting someone up to cheat? If you’re told that a Scantron answer sheet has lightly bubbled in answers because they were photocopied wrong, even if you’re not trying to cheat, you might subconsciously do it.

Most of the people I know that cheat wouldn’t necessarily be classified as creative. I’d classify them as lazy. I consider myself to be really creative, and if I were to cheat I know I’d feel awful about it. I wouldn’t be able to justify cheating because I’m creative and can contribute thoughts. I don’t think being creative makes me, or anyone, more likely to cheat.

What do you think? Does being a creative person make you more likely to cheat?

Question?! Answer: Ask Tuffy Luv. (You KNOW this.)

Dear Tuffy Luv,

I stole my best friend’s boyfriend.

I know it sounds bad but here’s the situation. She didn’t love him. They were just dating because he asked her out and she was too lazy to break up with him. She was always complaining that he wasn’t thoughtful enough or romantic enough and etc.

But I saw something really special in this guy. Let’s call him T. He is the nicest sweetest person and we always had chemistry. I actually introduced them. T and I had a lit class together and we always hung out. I took him to a party and he though my best friend was really cute so I set them up.

But then I watched how she treated him (not good — making him carry things and complaining about him to me behind his back) and I realized I had developed feelings for him.

One day we were hanging out and I don’t know why I told him — and he said he felt the same way!

Anyway, he broke up with my best friend and we started dating. We were going to keep it secret but everyone found out kind of quickly.

So now my best friend won’t speak to me. We’ve been friends since the beginning of college (we’re juniors now) and I can’t stand the idea of losing her. But I don’t think it’s fair of her to keep me from dating the guy of my dreams just because she dated him for three months.

Help!

Found Love

Dear Found Love,

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?!?! Why would you write to me with this?! WHYYYY?! DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND THAT NOW I MUST SMASH YOU?!?!?!??!??!

Okay, look. No. Bad dog. Heel. You can’t just convince this guy to stop seeing your best friend to see YOU and then expect your best friend to be fine with it. Seriously. Are you kidding me?! If you REALLLLLLLY  think this is, like, THE ONE, then here’s what you SHOULD have done: You should have gone to your best friend and TOLD HER. Is that so hard?! I mean, a little communication between besties?! SERIOUSLY.

Anyway, you should have told her, and then you should have figured out a way to handle it where no one’s feelings got hurt. Instead, you went behind her back and flirted with him and told HIM and then he dumped her for you. TOTALLY HUMILIATING for her. I’d hate you too.

Listen, um, your relationship with your best friend is probably unsalvageable. If you really care about her, you can try to go beg and plead and apologize. However, something tells me you DON’T really care about her. Because if you did, you never woulda done her this way. Look, you got your guy. What do you want?

Peace, jerkface.

Hearts & Skulls,

Tuffy Luv

Here’s the question: Did he cheat if he liked his next girlfriend before he broke up with you?

Emotional infidelity, that’s the subject of the debate. Is it cheating if he feels it and thinks it but doesn’t act on it? What if he falls for someone but then breaks up with you before acting on his impulses? Does that make it less bad? Does that mean he did the honorable thing because he didn’t cheat on you? Or is he, still, a worthless piece of crap? How fine is this line?

It seems that what constitutes cheating is getting expanded with every new generation of iPhone. There are, without any doubt, more ways to cheat than ever before. You can sext, Skype sex, cybersex, phone sex, and, hell, I’ve even known a few women who believed that if their boyfriend jerked off to porn it was an act of cheating. If he’s getting off with another live human being, and getting her off, that’s cheating, IMO. But, again, that’s just my take. Getting off to porn, sorry, that’s some Kool-Aid I can’t swallow.

Because here’s the thing: you can’t punish a man by what he feels and thinks. You can brand him on the basis of what he does. Sexting, cybersex, phone sex, etc., these are actions he takes. And they’re acts that betray the commitment you’ve made to each other (for you polys out there, I want to clarify, actions that haven’t been condoned or agreed upon by all partners involved in the relationship. Lawyered!). After all, if thoughts and feelings constitute infidelity, then isn’t everyone guilty at some point?

You’re at a party with some friends, boyfriend may or may not be there, you spot a guy across the room and think, “he’s hot.” Not cheating, right? I mean, we all can admit to finding people other than our partners attractive. Doesn’t mean we act on it. And if we don’t act on the thought then it doesn’t count as cheating, in my book. It doesn’t warrant confessing. Even the bureau of Pre-Crime couldn’t touch you because there wasn’t a intent to act.

Now let’s go a little further: You’re having a conversation with a guy that is not your boyfriend, he makes you laugh, and you share some personal information about each other. You think, “he’s really cute.” Cheating? Nothing sexual was discussed. You didn’t make plans to meet up at a motel. A little personal stuff’s been shared You just felt that flicker of attraction that passes between two people when they’re interacting. Still innocent in my book.

Now, here’s major league scenario: you fall in love with someone else. You’ve never said it to him. You’ve never done anything with him. But you’ve fallen and you’re involved with someone else. Are you cheating?

Emotions aren’t something we can dictate terms to. We have emotional control in so much that we can control what actions we take based on those feelings, and sometimes we don’t even have that (OCD, anyone? Addicts?). Bottom line, the emotional and fantasy elements aren’t something we can filter with absolute certainty. Nor should we have to.

However, if you tell that person you’ve fallen for that you’re plunging headfirst before you’ve told your partner, then, yeah, you’re cheating. Again, one man’s opinion. Confession is an action. Confession has intent. Most of the time.

On the other hand, if you end things with your partner and then confess those feelings, it’s a sh*tty situation but I can’t cast you out for infidelity. You did the best you could under those circumstances. You acted with care because you didn’t prolong a relationship that wasn’t working. You took the hit and then took your shot. What more could a person be expected to do? The easy answer is, “not fall for someone else in the first place” and, yes, that’s a f*cking easy answer. Life’s full of easy answers.

As per usual with some of my posts, all of this is really an attempt to ask all of you a question. What makes him a cheater?

Just thinking out loud,

The Dude

God bless smartphones and Facebook. Where would our stalking abilities be today without those two? When our friends want to set us up with their hot friend, what’s the first question we ask? First and last name please! First impressions are no longer made in person, they happen through the Internet. Sad? Eh, maybe. But hey, much easier to weed ‘em out that way! If there’s zero potential for attraction or if the guy has “strip clubs” topping his list of interests, all I’m saying is that checking out his profile may save you from one miserable first date.

It’s obvious that technology makes the courting process easier, too. Being newly single for the past month, I’ve realized that every guy who has asked me out so far starts with Facebook. They send a message, we chat for a bit, they ask for my number, the messaging moves to texts and then finally we meet face-to-face. It may be a little depressing that a good ‘ol fashion, “Hi, would you like to go on a date with me?” is now considered creepy rather than endearing, but at least we’ve got some form of courting taking place these days!

But once you’re actually in a relationship, does technology make waves for the pair? I’ve known couples where neither have a Facebook so that the other doesn’t have to wonder if someone’s exchanging secret messages with a mysterious third. But even if there’s no social networking involved, smartphones have optional pass-codes where the phone owner must enter a password in order to unlock the phone. So unless neither have iPhones or social networking accounts, I’m going to put it out there that technology can make cheating easier.

Sure, it’s easy to creep on the girl who posted on your boyfriend’s wall, but unless he shares his login information with you, you’ll never know if messages have been swapped. The same goes for phones. If you aren’t given his pass-code, chances are he might be texting someone else. The same goes for girls with pass-codes and login information, too. There’s a simple solution to both scenarios, though; allow each other to know both sets of information or trust that both are faithful and leave it at that. The downside to the former is that one person might be inclined to check more often than the other and that can worsen trust in the relationship. Then again, if one partner doesn’t want to exchange user information, the other is going to question their trust regardless.

Another reason technology can make cheating easier is by throwing a public label out there. I’ve known guys in the past who had girlfriends but wouldn’t go “FBO” (Facebook official) because they wanted other girls to think they were single. Yep, red flag! Yes, the guy is a douchelord, but the girl obviously isn’t the brightest if she’s not questioning his motive behind that one. I know not all couples broadcast their relationships, but in today’s world where social media has become the norm, it’s definitely safe to wonder why a significant other won’t.

As with phones, the last guy I dated had a codename for his ex-girlfriend. He let me know the pass-code to his phone but probably thought I wouldn’t figure the name thing out. Wrong! He told me he had stopped talking to her, but I had a feeling he wasn’t quite telling me the truth. Should I have been snooping through his phone in the first place? The best answer I can give is no, but since there was a lot of reasonable doubt in my mind, it was justified. In my situation, what I found definitely helped me break away from him. But the bottom line is that if you trust your boyfriend or girlfriend, there’s no reason to go through their stuff, it’s as simple as that.

The tricky thing about technology is that “delete” is always an option. So whether or not cheating is taking place, it’s possible that the evidence can disappear within seconds of the exchange. My only advice is to go with your gut instinct. If you feel like he’s a cheating bastard, chances are he just might be! Or if you feel like she’s seeing another dude, it’s a definite possibility! It’s always good to be aware, but if you’ve been given no reason to question their technology devices (and trust), don’t go there, it’s more trouble than it’s worth.

Wanna see what He Says about cheating and technology? Head on over to COED!

Dear Dude,

While I was in college I noticed this guy in my class who I thought was attractive, “Matt,” so I decided that if I ever saw him out that I would make something happen. I eventually did see him out and initiated a hook up. We briefly hooked up that year until he got a girlfriend and the fun ended. A few months later I met someone else in one of my classes and began dating him, this lasted for four years.

The minute I became single I started seeing Matt at the bar I always go to. Note: Matt had been MIA while I was dating my ex. I rarely saw him at the bar I frequently attend but here he was. I found out quickly that he was dating a girl (because she called me a scandalous bitch for buying him a shot) but within 2 weeks he was single and texting me ALL the time. Being that I was just out of a four year relationship I was not interested in dating anyone, so we began sleeping with each other again, all the time. I would always leave the minute he passed out because I wasn’t trying to force anyone to hang out with me the next day nor did I want to go through the awkward “well that was fun, I’ll text you later” business. This is how our “relationship” proceeded for months.

Periodically he would make reference to me and his friends that I never stayed the night. I brushed it off until he actually said to me, when I was going to go home, “Why don’t you ever stay?”, so I stayed…and left early that morning because I had to work at 8. By this time, even though I would still leave, my feelings were changing and I was starting to actually become interested in seeing if this was something I wanted to pursue. However, I didn’t want to bring it up because I was always leaving and had established this as a hook up so if he wanted it to be different then, as I see it, he should have been the one trying to change it and he wasn’t.

Shortly after this, a guy I knew came to visit and we hooked up. Little did I know, he was staying at Matt’s house and apparently they are friends. I found this out when Matt called me to come hang out and says to me “So, do you think you’ll be able to stay in here when I go to sleep and not sneak across the hall where Chris is staying?” Cue awkward silence and me throwing up in my mouth. I still stayed and no, I did not run across the hall. In fact, being busted irritated me and I asked Chris to lose my number and to never talk about me with Matt again.

Now, not that this situation was the reason things happened the way that they did, maybe it is, maybe it isn’t, but Matt began not texting me as much. The texting became so spaced out that eventually it was maybe once a week if that. I began to wonder, does he have a girlfriend? What is going on? Should I say something? But my better judgement or maybe its crappy judgement, told me not to bother him and not to tell him that my feelings had changed.

ANYWAYS, he texted me “Happy Thanksgiving,” offered me sex on my birthday, which I declined, and sent me the “Merry Xmas” text. I next heard from him New Years Eve; I was a little drunk so I complied and went over to his house. We hooked up and then hung out with his friends and I left. I didn’t hear from him for a few weeks and then finally, the text came. He asked me to come over, which I did, and he dropped the bomb on me, “but I have a girlfriend.” I suppose I have hoe tendencies so I went along with it; however, a few days later I decided that was a shitty move on my part and that I wasn’t going to do it again. He called again a few weeks later and I said no, not until you’re single. A few months went by and he tried again, I was drunk so I said ok (he still had a girlfriend). Once again I felt bad and turned him down and didn’t hear from him for 2 months. He texted and informed me his girlfriend had broken up with him so, I decided it was fine. To my NOT-disbelief, they got back together the next week. He tried me again the following weekend, to which I finally laid it all out there that I was not comfortable with him using me to have fun and then go play the bf/gf game. That unless he intended for this to go some where other than what he calls “fun” then I was not game anymore. He gives me the response “ok…i dunno, it is this way right now.”

I know I look like a bad person for participating in someone else cheating on their girlfriend and I don’t claim to think that it means anything but what I want to know is WHY does he keep calling me? This has been going on for over a year (he and I, only since January with the girlfriend). The situation seems cut and dry, obviously he doesn’t like me and guys like to hook up so of course he still calls me, I guess. But why? why why why? He isn’t ugly, he could easily find some other girl to hook up with, clearly he did with the current girlfriend. I dunno, I just need a little clarity from a guys perspective.

Dear _______

Tangent: How do rebounds get so f*cking complicated?!?!?!?!

On to the task in hand: He keeps calling you because you keep answering. A little simplistic but I dare say that’s the essence to your predicament. If you say “No, I’m not going to sleep with you unless you’re single and you want to make an actual go of whatever the hell it is we’re doing,” then one of two things will occur: 1. He’ll stop calling. 2. You’ll meet up, probably hook up, and then actually discuss whatever it is you’re doing and where you want it to go. I’m sure there’s a third option but it’s probably less important or dramatically interesting than the formers.

Now, yeah, you feel bad that you contributed to the cheating. And hey, I’m not here to judge or condone. The point is you say you feel bad but the flip side is that you continued to contribute your rear end to the situation. So, actions, words, bygones. If you want it to stop then you’ve got to stop it. You’ve got to own up to your portion of this, it certainly sounds like you want to, and you need to own up to him about how you feel.

Leaving things left unsaid and unchecked is generally a cause for personal chaos. Why don’t we just cop to what we’re feeling and thinking? My generalization is inaction comes from fear of some kind. Maybe you’re afraid he’ll reject you, say “Let’s give it a shot,” or “I’m married.” Maybe you’re afraid of getting hurt by the next guy after getting hurt over your last break-up. I don’t know and can’t possibly know. If I were you, though, I’d do a little soul searching about it. Not much, maybe an hour on Saturday nights to replace the hole Doctor Who’s absence has left in our lives until 2012.

Just because you set the rules doesn’t mean you can’t change the rules. I’m going to mildly call you out on this section of your question: “[I] had established this as a hook up so if he wanted it to be different then, as I see it, he should have been the one trying to change it and he wasn’t.” The way you saw it is part of what’s gotten you deeper down the rabbit hole. Let it be a lesson, in the future when you know your feelings are changing/evolving/devolving, and you want to know if his are, too, then ASK. Take responsibility of how you feel and take care to make sure you’re feelings get addressed.

A year’s a longtime to be climbing around in limbo. From the guy’s perspective, if he’s getting girlfriends but you’re the constant hook up as his relationships come and go, well, that might mean he’s waiting for you to take charge. Or he’s a douchebag and you’re his sure thing. If he wanted you to be his girlfriend then he might have broached the subject. On the other hand, he might not have for the same reasons you didn’t. Was he cheating on the relationships he was in before you entered a picture? Food for thought. If he’s just a cheater then you probably would want to reassess whether or not you think he’d make a great boyfriend. Unfortunately, I’d be suspect of his credibility.

You’ve got to decide what happens next. You can let him keep booty-calling. You can own up, step up, and air out what you want from him. You can move on to another guy who isn’t staying across the hall from him. But if you let him jerk you around then he’s going to keep jerking you around, which makes him a f*cking jerk and that’s all I got to say about that.

Up, up, and away!

Super Dude

[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of trying to come up with a not-totally-crazy-girl way to bring it up to your guy friends and get their take on things? Totally over over-analyzing the cryptic messages he leave on your Facebook Wall? We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude [at] collegecandy [dot] com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time. So bring. it. on.]

Question?! Answer: Ask Tuffy Luv.

Dear Tuffy Luv,
I’ve been reading your column all day long and I found myself agreeing with every bit of advice you have given and couldn’t pass up the opportunity to hear your insight on my own relationship. I’m a bit of a late bloomer when it comes to relationships, I didn’t have my first kiss or date till 19, after two very short relationships I found myself turning 21 in November and in a 7 month relationship with a guy I love very much.

I had always told myself I would wait until marriage to sleep with a guy but I found myself so very much in love and couldn’t see myself ever being with anyone else so I gave in about 4.5 months into the relationship. We had our ups and downs, at the beginning of the relationship he got kicked out of his dad’s house and had to live with some friends. Long story short, I stood by him through everything, motivated him to quit smoking marijuana, I dealt with a lot of his mood swings and anger when he was trying to quit smoking cigarettes, I gave him driving lessons and let him use my car to finally get his driver’s license, bought him groceries when he had nothing to eat when he got kicked out, gave him rides, had my brother fix up his old bike so my bf had something to ride to school so he could get his GED, and applied to a lot of jobs for him so he could upgrade from part time to full time when his laptop was stolen and he couldn’t do it himself, and I encouraged him to talk things through with his dad so he could live at home again. Needless to say, I have done my best to motivate him to be the best person he could be and he has shown a lot of gratitude for that.

I am currently a university student and have stressed to him the importance of a good education and he said he agrees with me, that he’s always wanted to be back in school and set his life straight and he couldn’t have done it without me. I am truly in love with this guy, he’s a year younger than me and my parents worry I’ve become more of a mother figure than a girlfriend and they say that it’ll never work out because I’m trying to turn him into something he’s not. But I’m turning the other cheek and telling myself I’m not pushing him into becoming something he doesn’t want to be, because even though I have to nag him and lecture him in time about growing up and taking care of responsibilities, he says he’s extremely grateful and does want the same things as I do in the future.

I was willing to pick him up every time he has fallen, even early on in the relationship, he was my first and only love. Things were really going great and I saw he was really on the right path in life, we even talked about moving in together next summer once I get my bachelor’s degree and he made it clear he wanted to marry me some day. I was extremely excited about hearing him talk about how I was the love of his life and how he couldn’t wait for our future together.

He has told me that I should never worry about any other girls, especially exes, because with them it was just sex without feeling, that I am the first girl he’s ever been so deeply in love with and that when we are intimate, we are making love and it means so much more. I do believe him when he says that, because he sounds so genuine and I just can’t believe someone can be playing a game 24/7. I know it’s only been 7 months, but we see one another on a daily basis, unless I have too much school work going on and he is understanding of that, and if we are not physically together, we are on the phone or texting, we send about 15,000 texts to one another monthly, so he can’t really even have time for an affair!

Then one day, he mentions his favorite number and something about passwords and in the evening while he’s at work, I open my computer and am able to guess his facebook password (I know it was wrong, but I have jealousy issues because he had slept with 6 other girls before me, and I worry that being with just me isn’t enough). And to my absolute horror, I find some old facebook chat logs saved from a girl named Desiree. I knew of her because once when we were hanging out this Desiree texts my bf saying “omg just got caught having sex, sooo embarrassing,” so I ask my bf why she would send a text involving something so personal to a guy in a relationship, he said it was really weird she would do that and he doesn’t respond. So back to the messages I find on fb, I find out he tells this girl (who he has called a slut previously to me in conversation) intimate details of our relationship. Now losing my virginity before marriage was a very emotional thing for me. I was raised quite conservatively and really struggled figuring out what I really wanted to do. So we started out slow, and then a few months in started fooling around, touching, etc (not to get too graphic!), and then fooling around naked but not the actual act of sex itself, which I’m sure was torture for him but I was too scared I would end up having sex, getting so attached and then heart broken. My biggest fear was to get a bad reputation, we knew a lot of the same people, and it would be beyond devastating to know that the guy I lost my virginity to would talk about me behind my back and call me a whore.

Back to the messages though! He complains to Desiree that he thinks him and I are going to break up, and we were going through a rough patch, and when she asks why he explains he accidentally popped my cherry while we were fooling around partially naked and that I was very upset about it, then Desiree says that is a stupid reason to be upset, and to my dismay, my bf writes “why can’t a girl just f**k and be happy about it?” At this point I am in tears and can barely breathe, I begged him to swear to never tell anyone about our intimacy, his good friends were friends of my friends and I would die if word got around about me doing certain things, and frankly, that’s extremely personal and I don’t need people knowing those things for obvious reasons. And he swore he would never do such a thing, I truly begged him not to, and I trusted he would never do such a thing, I trusted him with my life. Then I read on, and a little while later they talk again and she asks if him and I have “banged” yet and he says “yup” and then he complains that I “want to do it ALL the time >.>” which was another crushing blow, I was obviously very self conscious about my sex life, seeing as I didn’t have any experience, it was something new and exciting for me, and I loved experiencing a physical connection with my bf, I loved him and he loved me.

Then Desiree says I’m like that because I’m probably immature, he says “you know me, I like sex, but not THAT often”, at this point my temperature and fever are skyrocketing, I had mono at the time and this shock made me go into a very bad fever and break into a horrible rash and vomit, just as I was starting to get better. Then they start flirting, she says she apologizes about stringing him along a while ago (before him and I got together), that she was on medication and not herself, then he goes on to say “but what you and I had was real, right?” and she says “I did like you”, and he says “ok, just making sure” and then she goes on to say “we shouldn’t talk like that, you’re gf wouldn’t like it”. Then he agrees and she has the gross woman balls to say “don’t be mad because you’ll always want my nuts” and he doesn’t deny anything, and she mentions to him “the fact that you’ll always want me even though you have a gf” and he says “don’t rub it in”. She tells him “your gf is pretty, but not as pretty as me” and he says “of course not” (which he later said was a completely sarcastic remark, really doesn’t seem like it, but ok…) The conversation basically ends, and she says “text me when you can” and he says “ok” and that’s the end of that. I also find a message from a girl (who he claimed used to like him, and he only has her as a friend on fb because he feels bad for her and she just got out of rehab, I find her posting on a friend’s wall saying “you, me, and ___ (my bf) are so going to California Burgers!” and the friend says “definitely!” I ask my bf about it and he says he knows nothing about it and isn’t gonna go so it didn’t matter so I said fine), I see a message in his inbox of her asking if he and their two friends (his best friend and his gf) could go to California burgers and that she misses him, he says “miss you too, and sure” (when I confront him about that he said he didn’t want to make her any more depressed and relapse so he didn’t want to be a jerk and say no even though he had no intention of going and never did, but why lie!???? I would have accepted that answer!).

After reading all of this I’m having a huge panic attack and my world has gone up in flames, I text him to “never *bleeping* contact me again, we’re through”, even though he was at work, he called me right away, and was asking what was wrong and I told him I caught him cheating when I broke into his fb, he burst into tears saying he had no idea what I was talking about and I told him about the conversation and he was very confused (having no idea the chat log was saved by fb), I told him how disgusted I was with him and how he completely broke my trust by swearing to me and lying, and told some whore the intimate details of our relationship and how sick he made me, and that he broke my heart. This made him burst into tears, he said he would explain things to me once he finally realized/remembered what conversation I must have read (mind you, these were two separate conversations I read, one four months into the relationship, the other 5 months). He said he had to get back to work after talking for a few minutes, I could hear his managers in the background, and he begged me to talk to him when he was off, I hung up. He called about five times after work when I finally picked up and read, word for word the conversation. He said he was in a horrible place then, that he was truly, truly sorry, that he thought we were going to break up because we were fooling around a lot, pushing a lot of my limits and I got very angry and upset when it came to me losing my virginity, and I agree I was an emotional wreck at the time (and we were in bad times in our relationship when he talked to her). We talked for about 5 hours on the phone, he was crying hysterically, he said he was having very bad withdrawals from not smoking cigarettes or weed and said those things out of anger and was in a horrible place, but denied cheating on me. However, I told him it was indeed emotional cheating and just as bad in my book. Then
he threw up a few times, and could tell he was extremely scared of losing me and ruining the relationship through his actions.

He confessed a few weeks ago that Desiree talked to him again, and started saying bad things about me, and that he should break up with me and get with her, he said she said very horrible things about me, he was very angry, told her off, and deleted her off fb once and for all. Even though he in a sense fixed the situation by himself, that didn’t change the fact that the only reason she had anything bad to say about me, was because he portrayed me as such a bad person to her, he didn’t tell her how much I have helped him, he was just venting about me, and made me seem just awful. He continually denied that it was cheating, that he was extremely ashamed and that I never deserved being talked about like that, and was truly truly sorry. But I told him he broke my heart, which he really did, and I couldn’t trust him anymore. I also said that she wouldn’t have come on to him if he didn’t give her such clear signals before.

We texted a lot during the day, me telling him how much he hurt me and him apologizing, we spoke on the phone for three nights in a row, each conversation lasting around 5-6 hours, most of him crying and throwing up and me crying too. We met up face to face and he swore he would spend the rest of his life making it up to me, and that was all about two months ago. I know this letter was incredibly long, but I don’t know how to get through this. We got back together (never really even broke up), but sometimes I still think about it (like tonight) and when I bring it up, he says he is so so so sorry and would never do that again, that I never deserved it and it breaks his heart he did such a thing to me. But then again, he swore he wouldn’t do it in the first place, it’s like he broke my trust and told this girl (someone he doesn’t even value as a person) about our sex life just because it seemed like he wouldn’t get caught, I never thought he was capable of lying about something like that, he always seemed so genuine. After finally agreeing to work through this, I find myself checking his fb on a daily basis, questioning a lot more what he’s up to and with who, I would die if anything like this, let alone worse would happen again, he is my everything. I can’t even imagine why he would hurt someone who has done so much for him, this badly. I’ve said “I forgive you” after hearing a thousand apologizes, but I’ve read that conversation a hundred times and it’s engrained in my mind, constantly in the back of my head. This whole situation might not seem like a big deal, it’s not like he jumped in bed with someone else, but it seems like online flirting is a gateway to all of that. Just because we are having a serious rough patch in our relationship doesn’t mean he can run to other girls and lead them on? I almost feel bad for the chick, he flirts with her and then tells her off when she tries to escalate it, I really can’t blame her!

I know that was a lot of rambling to read, but this is what goes through my head on a nearly daily basis. This is the first huge betrayal I have encountered, and I didn’t expect it from my first and only love…How do I get over my jealousy, and should I have to? As a result of this, I made him block this girl for good, I have access to his fb, I made him text his last gf and tell her to never contact him again (she sent him periodic texts here and there and they were pissing me off), and he has let me do it all without question, but me needing to do all of this is just not healthy…Any advice would make me eternally grateful, I am in true need of your amazing advice.

My undying gratitude,
Deeply Wounded

Dear Deeply Wounded,

Giiiiiiiiiiiiiiirl.

Okay, first of all, I want to say I’m not just answering this because you brown-nosed. But I do thank you. Delicious.

Anyway, onto your letter:

Bitter ol’ Tuffy feels some pangs on this one.

You seem so genuine, DW. I mean that. You seem like such a good, nice person. You really love this guy, that much is clear. And you went way out of your way to help him through a tough time.

But the harsh reality is, he is NOT such a good, nice person. And he doesn’t give a SHOOP about your helping him through a tough time.

This guy never came clean about this. It’s fine to say, oh he’s sorry because he apologized, but he ONLY apologized AFTER you caught him. AFTER. And when you first approached him about it, he denied it.

So I believe that he wants to keep you. But I don’t believe that he’s really sorry he did it.

This is a guy who has already had a drug problem and been kicked out of his house. He needed YOU to help him apply for jobs (why couldn’t do it himself?!) and to get his bike fixed (hello?! he can’t figure this one out either?!). You really went out of your way for him, and I applaud you for that, because, yes, everyone falls on their luck sometimes.

But this guy seems like he won’t do anything. He isn’t interested in improving himself. He won’t do anything to move forward the way you expect someone reaching adulthood to do.

That in itself is a HUGE red flag, girl.

And then we get to the real meat of your letter, where we find out dude spoke about you to another girl who he may or may not have cheated on you with (I’m sorry, I just don’t think we can rule that out) but who DEFINITELY did not need to be told about your sex life.

THIS IS A LOSER.

This little boy thinks he can say terrible things about you to someone else while proclaiming to love you. Guess what? He can, because you’re letting him.

DO NOT LET HIM.

You really truly deserve better than this. This little baby of a disgusting manchild said some ugly things about you. He betrayed very personal secrets. And he said things that were cruel and unnecessary.

I bet he loves you now. You’ve done so much for him. He’s a major user and he knows that you’ll take care of him.

But you don’t want his off-brand “love,” do you? It’s so emotionally abusive it makes me want to throw up (oh, I guess I have something in common with him after all).

I hate hate hate this guy.

BREAK UP WITH HIM. You can’t get yourself to trust him because, deep inside, you KNOW you CAN’T trust him. He is completely UNTRUSTWORTHY. There is NOTHING he can do that will reverse this. This relationship is doomed, and thank deities of all sorts because this guy is only going to drag you down with him.

Go find someone who is kind and who will treat you the way you treat others: with respect and love. Let this ashhole rot in his own filth.

Hearts & Skulls,

Tuffy Luv

Dear Dude,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for about eight months. About three months ago, while very drunk, I kissed someone else and told him about it the next day. He was really upset, and while we were talking about it, he brought up how out of control mad he got when his ex-girlfriend of three years told him about another guy hitting on her really aggressively and the fact that she didn’t do anything to stop it. The way he spoke about this, it was very clear that he felt really strongly about her/the situation. He then told me that when we first started hanging out, he and this ex were still kind of together, in an open relationship. She soon found out about me from one of his friends, got mad, and ended things for good with him. Meanwhile, he and I casually dated for the next few months, he said I love you within 3 months, and eventually we decided to become exclusive (per his suggestion).

To my knowledge, he’s gotten over the cheating incident. I felt terrible, and was pretty clear about that and the fact that that will never happen again. However, while we weren’t exclusive yet, I’m really bothered by the fact that he was still kind of with his ex while we were dating. I feel like he never got a chance to get over a 3 year relationship, and I was just the replacement available at the time. These feelings were compounded by the fact that the other night at a party, one of his friends’ girlfriends told my boyfriend, “Just so you know, Celia (his ex) is here with her boyfriend…I thought I should tell you.” This took place in front of me. I was pretty upset, and asked my boyfriend about it and he assured me that he didn’t know why she said that, he didn’t care about his ex anymore. I wasn’t convinced, but then, we’ve been together for eight months.

I’m thinking of breaking up with him. He’s really sweet, funny, and a great guy, but I want someone who has actual feelings for me and is not ignoring/misdirecting feelings for an ex by being with me. Does this seem like a legitimate conclusion?

Sincerely,

___________

Dear _______

Before I give my advice on whether your conclusion is legitimate, let me work out the timeline. So, he was in a relationship — scratch that — an open relationship with another girl when you started dating. Then she found out about you and dumped him. Then you got together with him. Then you kissed another guy. Then you find out he’s getting updates on his ex…and now you’re considering breaking up with him.

In summary: bunk beds are cool. I mean it’s a bed…with a ladder!

Sorry, timey-wimey stuff going on this week. Now! You’ve reached the conclusion that you should dump his ass. I’d say that’s perfectly legitimate. It’d also be perfectly legitimate for him to have dumped you after the, how did you word it, right, “cheating incident” but he didn’t. So legitimate isn’t a factor, is it? What matters is whether or not you want to break up with him. And it sounds like…you’re going down the purple slide into the YES room.

What we’ve got is a relationship with more rifts than a timelord can create after 907 years. He wasn’t open with you about his open relationship or to his ex about you. He then clung to you after that relationship ended. He uses the L word. Maybe he loves you. I don’t know, I’m not you or him. Is it possible? Sure. Is that enough? There’s the riddle that it sounds like you’ve got the solution for (2+2=5).

He hasn’t had a chance to get over his three-year relationship. Mark one for your powers of observation. He probably does still have unresolved feelings for his ex (of course, doesn’t everyone still have a handful of unresolved feelings about their exes [anger, loss, hunger {apples are good for that}, guilt]). That alone would encourage a sensible person to take some space. On top of that, no matter what he says, he’ll always remember his feelings of betrayal when you kissed another man. Yeah, he can let it go and move on. But even though the river’s calm, the stone thrown is still at the bottom, forever changing it, right Gabrielle? (Watch Xena:Warrior Princess for all sage advice needs.)

In light of the of all the drama that’s bending the space and time around you two, making a clean break, even a temporary one, sounds like a good way to get out of the danger room and get your breath back.

If the apocalypse comes, beep me,

The Chosen Dude

Qvestion?! Ansver: Ask Tuffy Luv.

Dear Tuffy Luv,

I find myself between a rock and a hard place. My ex-boyfriend and I have turned friends with benefits. Me and my ex had dated for a year and a half, about half of the time we were at college in different towns. We started dating right after I came out of a long-term relationship that ended badly. In hindsight it was too soon for me to date again, but I was just glad to be moving on. We had a rocky month or two in our relationship with some dishonesty after we had been dating for four months. I had hooked up with one of my guy friends on my spring break trip after a long night of partying. I called my ex the next day and tried to explain to him what happened. I had never felt so guilty and ashamed about something. He was extremely hurt but we had a very strong connection and worked through it. We had an awesome summer together before we went off to college which made it extremely hard to cope with the fact I would only see him twice a month. I felt awesome when we were together and fell pretty hard for him.

During the fall semester, the same issue of trust and cheating arose again. Though I would think we talked things out, he could never quite let the topic go. Right after second semester started, things fell apart. My ex was struggling with some personal issues as well as his academics, the ongoing and recurring issue of dishonesty, and the distance took its toll. We broke up at the end of January of this year. But neither of us could let things go completely. We still talked and we saw each other once. It was so hard because despite all of the issues we had, we were so in love. And I know it doesn’t really make sense because if we were in love we shouldn’t have had our problems. But that was the frustrating part. We knew we shouldn’t have been dating at that point when we broke up but I still loved him.

In the beginning of March this year, after some pestering from my mother, I made the tough decision to actually break things off with my ex. No visiting or communicating for a while. I was so hurt that I broke up with him, still had  strong feelings
and I thought I needed to cut him off for a while. We went a few weeks without speaking and it was the hardest thing. I’ve been through a long-term relationship break up before and after a few weeks I was doing better. But I couldn’t seem to pull myself together after this one. I missed him so much and eventually caved and called him. He was relieved to hear from me and was a mess himself. Unfortunately he told me that he was talking to someone. He said he thought it would help him move on since he couldn’t get over me. They hooked up once but just became friends. My ex said he couldn’t be with someone else, even casually, when he still had feelings for me. We continued to keep in contact until we were both home for the summer in May. We have been hanging out now and I’m so happy. We aren’t dating and most of our friends don’t know whats going on. My parents also don’t know. They never really liked my ex and thought he consumed too much of my time. They also became increasing worried when me and my ex would argue or fight.

So here I am, still in love with my ex but we aren’t together. Will it ever be possible for us to have a normal relationship? Is what I’m doing completely insane? Should I just start over again and try to move on?

Sincerely,
Holding Out Hope

Dear Holding Out Hope,

Yes. Move on.

You cheated. You were dishonest. And now when you can’t have him, you want him.

I don’t think this is meant to be, HOH. You guys gave it a good try. But at this point in your lives, I mean, you’re both about to be away for college again. I don’t want to upset you, but what are you doing right now?

THIS IS A SUMMER FLING.

Everything’s lovelier when you know there’s a time frame!

So, look, enough with this shoop. If you want to keep hooking up with him, go for it, but, to be honest, I think you’re only hurting yourself.

Either way, keep this in mind:

You’re not fighting with him or cheating on him…because you’re not dating. Because there’s no pressure. Because you’re both going back to college in the fall.

Sorry, girl. Try again.

Hearts & Skulls,

Tuffy Luv