Lesson 28: Screw The Spark

So it’s date number one with the perfectly normal guy in front of you and just as he launches into yet another sort-of funny story about Spring Break 2011, you cant help but wonder why your dating life lately has felt so incredibly ‘blah.’ There’s definitely nothing wrong with this guy – he’s cute, trying his best to be funny and he’s been nothing but nice – and still you have no desire for a date two. And so it happens, almost instinctively, you ask yourself, “God, where’s the spark?”

As single women, we live and breathe “the spark” and yet, not many of us know exactly how to explain it but we know for certain when the spark is non-existent. The elusive spark, also fondly referred to as “chemistry” or “oomph,” has become a deal breaker in relationships before they even become relationships. However, when we convince ourselves we’ve got the spark, we convince ourselves we have it all. But how can we have it all and not even know what it is?

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[The following post was written by dating coach, Kira Sabin, a keg of dating and relationship wisdom. She's been helping people find love for years so we thought we'd tap this keg and see what sort of brilliant advice she has for the CollegeCandy readers. Drink up!]

His name was Tyler.  He was the roommate of one of my good college friends and from the moment I met him I was smitten.  The witty banter was perfect and it took about 10 hours (and a few drinks) before we were hooking up.  After that near perfect weekend we walked to my car, kissed like we invented it and he said he was crazy about me.    It was a definite moment in time.  He was everything I was looking for.  He was ridiculously smart, cute, had a smile that made my toes curl and did I mention completely emotionally unavailable?

For the next few months or so Tyler and I did this little dance where we would have incredible moments and then I wouldn’t hear from him.  I would get vague emails breaking our plans and even when I visited him four hours away sometimes he gushed and sometimes he was cold.  I thought, “How could this be happening? Did I do something wrong?   Connections this incredible rarely come along and have to mean something, right?”

Excuse me conductor… are there any seats left on the crazy train?  Ticket for one, please. Read More »

[This post is courtesy of our gal pal, Marie Claire.]

Sometimes good sex feels like a really tough recipe to me. Now, I love cooking; any good cook knows he/she is only as good as the ingredients they use. This is why I love the process of buying vegetables and other ingredients. I even love peeling and cutting. It’s all part of the process to make a great dish.

And, like a recipe, I think sex is only as good as its ingredients: the people involved, and then the deeper ingredients like connection and chemistry. Here are some ingredients that can help make great sex:

Safe, but threatening

Couples need to feel safe around each other, but sex is fun when it has a bad edge to it. If you can make one another feel “comfortably threatened” it can lead to a steamy experience.

Spontaneity

Spontaneity is a common thread for success in all areas of romance, and sex is no different. Sex, just like anything else, can become routine and mundane. How often do we just grab each other and go at it?

Attraction

I’m not one of those lucky guys that has sex with girls who aren’t attracted to me. Some of my friends admit that they’ve had sex with people they were not attracted to. How do these guys pull this off? I need to learn this secret. Nevertheless, none of my friends are ever thrilled about it, so the sex wasn’t that great. Read More »

Sooner or later, you’re going to have to take electives.  Maybe you’re taking Physics 1 and Chemistry 101 at the same time.  Maybe there is a math class in there too.  Or maybe your advisor just told you that you need an elective to be able to graduate.

Either way, more than likely, you’ll start looking at the art classes.  It’s a coast class right?  Draw some pictures, get a little paint under your nails, maybe make a charcoal drawing of fruit.  Simple.  Relaxing

Until you meet… The Art Major.

She will show up on the first day of class with a portfolio already in hand.  It doesn’t matter if she’s a freshman or not; her portfolio will be as big as Barbie’s dream house and contain every sketch, scribble, and doodle she ever made.  Be careful about this one.  There’s a great possibility that you’ll get whacked with that thing before the semester is over (she doesn’t always care/is too high to notice where she’s  swinging it).

Just like any other stereotypical person on campus, the Art Major one has a uniform.  This person is going to be wearing a black hoodie zipped up.  The hoodie will have <insert “artistic” band name here> on it.  They wear jeans or cargo pants.  Their shoes will be flats with something like stars on them, oftentimes doodles on by the wearer.  Sometimes the uniform will vary so, when in doubt, look at the face. Read More »

Last night’s episode was pretty telling. Fred, Robert and Brian were sent packing and no one was surprised. Today, I’m handing out roses for the best WTF moments of the night.

The Rose for using grave digging as a positive and negative experience – Sean

In regards to writing and performing a song for DeAnna he said “I’d rather be digging my own grave than what I’m about to do right now.” Later, after winning the stock car racing challenge he said, “Bury me now. Dig my grave, because I’m a happy man.”

The rose for the worst shirt to wear during a dating show – Brian

It probably wasn’t even a good idea to pack your Home Wrecker shirt dude. It is not shocking you were sent home tonight. Read More »

Days as a Freshman: 186

Mood: Trapped

I sat in the oncoming darkness, my feet resting against the wooden pew in front of me. I loved the chapel at dusk; it was always empty, always silent, and provided the best view of the setting sun anywhere on campus.

For the past week, I had been coming here almost every night. I’d eat dinner in the dining hall with Rebecca or Naima or Crystal, and then slip away with an excuse of studying in the library or going to the gym. The fact was that I never saw either of those places. I was always in the chapel, sitting in one of the last pews, watching the cold dusk sun slide across the walls until it disappeared completely.

I wasn’t really sure why I was there. It just seemed like the right place to go. The easiest place to think.

Justin and Sasha had been avoiding me for a week and a half. Ever since the party at the soccer house, and the giant, drunken fight they had gotten into. Ever since they had punched each other bloody and then been dragged away by mutual friends. Ever since I had hid in an upstairs bathroom and waited for thirty minutes, then snuck out the back door. They hadn’t spoken a single word to me. But it wasn’t like they were seeing me and just ignoring me, they were plain avoiding me. Read More »

Its science fiction time, friends!

A small lab in California claims to have cloned the embryos of two men, making it the “first documented demonstration that ordinary cells from an adult human can be used to make cloned embryos mature enough to produce stem cells”.

Although the lab says it destroyed the embryos after 5 days, they insist they have all their records and assure the public that the tests were performed numerous times. Experts have supposedly acted very “coolly” to this announcement, partly because of a clone hoax executed by Korean scientist Hwang Woo-suk a few years back, and partly because the creation of cloned embryos has happened before. The big announcement, researchers agree, would be if a new stem cell line has been created. Read More »

Days as a Freshman: 87

Mood: Kinda freaked

“So, should we start?”

As much as I could have stared back and forth from Sasha’s eyes to his friend’s bare chest forever, I didn’t want to spend my entire Saturday at the Soccer House. Eventually, the rest of the guys were going to wake up, and I wanted to be out of there before I was surrounded by some of the most infamous people on campus.

Maybe the rumors weren’t true. Maybe the Scandal everyone was still whispering about had been blown out of proportion, but as far as I knew, Sammy still wasn’t in class, and Public Safety had been seen patrolling around the Soccer House at night way more than usual.

Rumors always come from somewhere, and I wanted to be out the door before I found out just how close to the truth they were.

“Sure. Let’s start. I just gotta run upstairs and grab my book.” Sasha stood, kicking the table in the process and flinching. “Of course I forgot my book. Be right back.”

Jumping over the side of the couch and heading toward the stairs, Sasha clunked up the steps, his bare feet making enough noise on the old wood to wake up the entire house.

I stared down at my Chemistry book, turning the pages and pretending to be so interested in the equations that I had no idea the half-undressed guy was still in the kitchen, rummaging around in the refrigerator. I let my hair fall into my face, doing my best to stay quiet and blend into the old green cushions. Read More »

Days as a Freshman: 83

Mood: Totally unable to concentrate

The November wind pushed itself under my scarf, biting at the skin on my neck. I pulled my jacket collar up as high as it would go, wishing I had worn a heavier sweater.

Coming from Maine, you’d think I’d be better prepared each time winter touched down, but every year it caught me off guard, snaking through my window and startling me with it’s freezing nights and frozen mornings. Some people were built to appreciate winter. I was not one of those people.

Crashing through piles of leaves, I made my way through the quad, the campus still asleep at 10 AM on a Saturday. Part of me wished I was still asleep. Still warm under my comforter instead of rushing with wet hair toward the Soccer House, a place I had no desire to even look at, let alone spend hours studying in.

Sasha had asked me to come over that night at the coffee house, pleading with me to help him with the chemistry problems he had missed going over with Daniel B. My initial reaction had been to make up an excuse; to come up with anything to keep me away from sitting alone in the Soccer House with Sasha, but standing in front of him, feeling his gaze and the extra pressure of his tall, silent friend, I ended up smiling and saying sure. Sure I’ll help. Sure I’ll do whatever you ask. I’m Grace, the pushover loser. Read More »

Days as a Freshman: 79

Mood: Headachy

“Oooohkay. I just did something stupid.”

Sliding onto the bench next to Naima and across from Crystal, I put my steaming mug of hot chocolate down before it burned my skin.

“I just did something really stupid.”

“What?” Taking her pen out of her mouth, Naima looked over at me, squinting in the dim coffee house light. “What could you have possibly done in the last twenty-four hours that’s so horrible?”

“Oooh, enough.” Licking my fingers, I did a quick survey of the small campus coffee shop to make sure certain people weren’t around. “I think I just ruined my Thanksgiving break.”

“Tell us already, woman!” Closing her books, Crystal crumpled up a piece of paper and threw it at my forehead. “You take forever getting to the point.”

“Well, you know how Daniel B. has been tutoring me in Chemistry?” I took a sip from my chipped mug. “A few nights ago Sasha wasn’t there and it was just us…”

“Jesus, was it awkward?”

Crystal knew Daniel B. well. They both wrote for the college newspaper and Daniel B’s long-winded speeches were the only thing Crystal talked about after their weekly meetings. “That kid is the weirdest person on the planet. You know, at our last reporter meeting, he spent fifteen minutes detailing the intricate details of chess? I wanted to stab myself.” Read More »