Old school repubs are scared.

Everyone should share their sex stories.

Forever 21 calls Kim Kardashian fat.

Jen Garner and Ben Affleck having sex problems?

Your daily dose of Chase Crawford.

As an Asian, I’m unable to fully understand how many Americans can’t use chopsticks. Especially my friends. I thought I’d rubbed off on them enough to take them to a local Chinese fast-food place this past weekend. Guess not.

“How can people use two little wooden sticks to eat food?!” <Looks at the food. Looks at the chopsticks. Wipes hands then digs in. With hands.>

“Is this why Chinese people are so skinny?” <Does several frantic scooping motions with the chopsticks, ultimately picking up one grain of rice.>

“I’m too hungry for this! I give up.” <Throws one chopstick on the table and proceeds to stab the chicken and veggies with the other. Makes chicken kebab.>

(All of this while the group of Asians a table over looks at us in distaste. And silently condemns me for not teaching them the sacred Chinese tradition.)

Well, this doesn’t have to be you! After you make these awesome rubber-band chopsticks, you’ll never face disgrace at Panda Express again.

Materials

1 pair of paper-sleeved chopsticks (the kind you get at fast-food joints)
1 rubber-band (thin ones work better)

Steps

1) Remove the chopsticks from the paper sleeve and separate them into two sticks.
2) Take the paper sleeve and roll-and-fold from the bottom all the way up, until you’re left with a small rectangular shape.
3) Place the folded-up paper onto one stick about an inch from the top (the top is the thickest part) and place the other stick on top of the paper, so that the paper is sandwiched in the middle.
4) Take the rubber band and begin wrapping at the very top of the chopsticks above the paper.
5) Keep on wrapping the rubber band around the two now-intertwined chopsticks (how you wrap it isn’t really important, just make sure you keep wrapping until there’s no more slack)
6) You’re done! Since the paper creates a little leverage in the middle, you’re all ready to squeeze and eat like a real Asian.

Now that you are a chopstick pro, here are some recipes for you to test your new skills on!

Sweet and Sour Wontons

Szechuan Braised Meatballs

Shrimp Fried Rice

Chinese Chicken and Mushroom Lettuce Cups

Rice Congee

Ma Po Tofu

Green Tea Ice Cream

Well, I just found a video that is the ultimate in one-upmanship when it comes to hot dance moves. A group of elderly women in China decided to form a hip-hop dance troupe for fun and for exercise. The Hip-Hop Grannies rock G-Unit tees and bandanas, and a third-place finish in the national Chinese hip-hop dance competition qualifier rocketed them to fame. Since their development in 2003, the Hip-Hop Grannies have shared the joy of dance, healthy living, and social activity with many senior ladies. Not to mention they’re good at it, too!

I hope I’m just as cool when I’m 65.

(Editor’s Note: I’m not this cool now.)

So wouldn’t it be great if you could make that rice in your own kitchen and avoid shelling out $8 for an all-you-can-eat meal of regret?

Yeah, that’s what I thought.

Here’s the good news: you can, and it’s easy. In fact, if you ever have stray vegetables or leftovers lying around (like I do almost… oh, let’s see, EVERY DAY), it’s even easier. Fried rice is incredibly forgiving—you can toss whatever you want in there, and it will still taste great.

So here’s a basic recipe, but feel free to play around with it!

To serve two, you should have:

• Rice (about 2 cups cooked)

• Oil

• Meat or tofu (I like to use chicken)

• A little sweetness, like raisins, currants, orange rinds, or pineapple bits

• Veggies (most crucial are probably onions, and I also often use carrots, cabbage, broccoli, corn, peas, bell peppers…)

• Scrambled eggs (optional but delicious)

• Seasoning—If you’re going for Indian flavor, use chili powder, cumin, and garam masala. For Chinese style, use soy sauce, stir-fry sauce, and sesame oil. Garlic is good for both kinds, and so is ginger.

Get Cookin’:

First, stir-fry your veggies and your sweetness in a frying pan with a little bit of oil. I like to fry my veggies and meat/tofu together, but you can do them separately and then combine them later, as well. Stir-fry everything on medium heat until it’s tender and beginning to brown, about 10 minutes.

Your rice should be pre-cooked before you begin stir-frying the vegetables because, otherwise, it will be too moist. So, make it ahead of time if you can; if not, try to get it done at least 15-30 minutes in advance.

When your veggies and meat/tofu are done cooking, combine them if you haven’t already. Add your seasoning, lower the heat, and continue cooking them for a minute or two until you think the spices have infused their delicious flavors into the ingredients.

Finally, add the cooked rice to the pan, and stir everything together. Turn off the heat. Add more spices if necessary, serve, and enjoy!

[Image courtesy of maona.net.]

If his abs and medals aren’t enough, here is yet another reason to love Michael Phelps.

Blame Daniel Radcliffe and his love of nudity for the delay in Harry Potter flicks.

Being Tom Cruise’s daughter has not dampened her cuteness.

There is only one person Kanye West loves more than himself…and it’s Scarlet Johansson?

John Mayer – I think I love him even more.

Did you know that women spend 3,267 hours getting ready to go out?!

How to be a good hookup.

Christmas in August?

Question: People really dress like this? Answer: Ew, yes.

You thought the Chinese were bad? Australian mayor picks on “ugly ducklings“.

But, just because I don’t know how to dive off of a really high platform or do flips on some uneven bars doesn’t mean that I, too, am not the best at something. I have some talents too, and they should not be shunned just because I can’t bring them to Beijing.

So, I give you the 5 Sports I Would Win a Gold In (If They Were Included In The Olympics):

1. Cake Eating: With or without hands, I would totally take the cake (Ha!) in this event. I have a big mouth (to the chagrin of my mother and the glee of my men) that allows me to store massive quantities of cake and frosting goodness. I also happen to be able to seriously pack food away (which allowed me to excel in another sport: weight gain), so there is no stopping me in this competition.

2. Late Night Stiletto Run: While Michael Phelps was doin’ his thing in the pool, I was dedicating hours to perfecting this skill. I dare anyone to race me to the nearest pizza place in a pair of heels. You can even throw a few hurdles (girl passed out on sidewalk, traffic, or inclement weather) in my way and I will beat out all the competition. Yes, even the Chinese.

3. The Bargain Hunt: I have been practicing this one since I left the womb. Show me an item and I will find it for you cheaper. And I will do it fast.

4. That’s What She Said: I can turn anything into something sexual at a record breaking speed. (That’s what she said.) I don’t care how hard it is (that’s what she said), or how many people are involved (that’s what she said). I like to do it hard and do it fast (that’s what she said).

5. Bullsh*tting: I hate to toot my own horn (that’s what she said), but I am really good at making people think I care/like them/have any interest in what they have to say. My combination head nod, mixed with witty banter have fooled people for years and I have no doubt I would rock it in Beijing (even with the language barrier).

Looks like President Bush has been playing some Olympics drinking games of his own.

The Chinese are mean!

Russia takes a break. Georgia disagrees.

I didn’t think it was possible, but Jake Gyllenhaal is lookin’...ew.

In memory of Isaac Hayes…a song. About the menstrual cycle.

Britney’s back, bitches.

Cheerleading - that sh*t is dangerous!

Where has all the porn for straight women gone?

Gossip Girl has been gone too long; how about a little fix?

It’s time to give tequila another shot (pun intended).

Bored at work? This may be the best game of all time.

Yeah, I get it, nations get together and compete to show that their differences aren’t all that big after all, blah blah blah. The truth of the matter is, sports has never brought nations together. Maybe they can put their differences aside for a few minutes for the sake of the cameras (and to try for that gold medal), but the moment they leave the venue, the world is back to the way it was.

But, hey, I do like dessert. So, to honor the Beijing Olympics in the only way I know how, I propose a making delicious Chinese dessert: deep fried watermelon. Yes, it’s fried, but, hey, at least it’s fruit!

Happy sporting!

What You’ll Need

1 10 pound watermelon

2 beaten egg whites

11 tablespoons of flour

7 tablespoons of cornstarch

3 cups of vegetable oil

How To Do It

(1) Slice the watermelon in half.

(2) Scoop the pulp out and remove all seeds.

(3) Carefully cut the pulp into the shapes of your choice. (Each one will be a serving.)

(4) Coat the shapes with flour.

(5) In a bowl, mix the cornstarch, the egg whites, and a splash of water. This is the batter.

(6) Heat the oil until it’s about 250 degrees F. Be very careful!!!

(7) Dip each watermelon piece into the batter and then carefully place each piece into the boiling oil.

(8) Let it fry until the coating of the watermelon is firm. Then turn the heat off and deep fry until the watermelon coating is a light brown color.

(9) CAREFULLY drain the watermelon.

(10) Sprinkle it with sugar, let cool, and enjoy!

[Image courtesy of www.sde.ct.gov]

This year’s Beijing Olympics are possibly the most politicized Olympics to go down on the planet in decades. It’s always ugly when politics enter into something supposed to be as pure an ideal as the excellence of sport, but the polluted skies over Beijing aren’t the only source of dirt and grime these days.

Everyone knows about the furious and polarizing debates and protests over Tibet. It’s hardly news anymore that there are monks on the march, and Chinese police cracking down on them. What I find even more disturbing, however, is the crushing influence of the Chinese government over people’s free speech. When so-called public opinion polls emerge saying that over 90% of all Chinese people are wholeheartedly in favor of every aspect of the Chinese government, as I’ve been reading about in the New York Times, you know something’s wrong.

No country likes their government that much, unless they’re too frightened to say differently. And now, this strong tendency to crack down on opposing opinions has gone one step further: it entered the olympics.

Princeton student Joey Cheek, class of 2011, a world champion speed skater and former Olympian (who was only going to the Olympics to support his team) has had his visa revoked by the Chinese government. The reason? Cheek is an outspoken activist for the genocide in Darfur, and has been critical of China’s many investments in the Sudan. Cheek had no intention of bringing his politics to the arena, but the Chinese government won’t tolerate any opposition, including the mere possibility. Meanwhile, the official dudes of the Olympic committee are refusing to defend the student, basically saying it’s out of their jurisdiction.

So much for the spirit of the Olympics.

I always used to think that cities were granted the privilage of hosting the Olympics for good behavior — having a well-developed nation with well-cared for citizens and a clear position supporting human rights and all that good stuff. Hence, the olympics that I’ve seen in my lifetime have all taken place in relatively developed nations — the U.S., Italy, Greece, Australia, and the upcoming Great Britain.

China, however, still has many troubling issues to address in terms of its position on human rights. Why has it been given the gift of the Olympics if it’s still bullying anyone who speaks critically of it? Here’s hoping the coming Olympics will be a showcase of athletic prowess and not governmental might.

I think I did a dance around the kitchen when I finally figured out how to replicate this Chinese dish so that it actually tasted authentic. SCORE! It’s a tad on the salty and oily side, but it’s sooooo good.

Ingredients for two portions: 1 tablespoon of vegetable or canola oil, about ¼ lb ground beef or ground pork, dried chili pepper flakes to taste (or red chili paste), 1 tablespoon of black bean garlic sauce, 1 teaspoon of soy sauce, one fresh package of extra-firm tofu, a little bit of broccoli (optional), and 4-5 green onions (scallions).

In a medium-sized pan, heat the oil and cook the ground meat over low-medium heat. Mix it with the chili pepper flakes or paste, the black bean garlic sauce, and the soy sauce.

Meanwhile, cube the package of tofu and slice the green onions (and broccoli, if you’re using it). When the meat is completely cooked, add the tofu.

After 3-4 minutes, add the broccoli (if you’re not using it, then, well… don’t add it).

Let the tofu mixture cook for almost 10 minutes. If some of the tofu cubes crumble, that’s OK. Near the end of the cooking time, everything should be hot and at least some of the tofu cubes should be a little crispy or browned. In the last minute or so of cooking, toss in the green onions.

Turn off the heat and serve right away with white rice. Mmmmmmmmm… it brings me right back to China.