Recently, a few of my friends and I got into a bit of a disagreement over who pays on a date. Although a few people agreed with me that if the relationship is long-term, the couple should split the costs for practical reasons (after all, especially if you’re on a college budget, it’s hard to bear the burden of all expenses), the overall consensus was that the guy should always pay at first. Some said the first date, some the first three dates, and others advocated up to the first year. My friends argued that if he’s trying to win the girl over, this is the way to do it. Some even joked that it was payment in exchange for what they hoped would be a different type of payment later on.

Personally, I’m still in disagreement with the others on this one. The idea of letting anyone pay for me is just. . . wrong. It makes me feel uncomfortable and goes against every fiber of my feminist being. I’m a strong, self-sufficient woman; I work and take care of my own personal expenses, so why should I have a guy do it for me? And, even more to the point, why should I allow him to pay for me if I can’t pay for him? If we’re going for equality, then why is he footing the bill every time?

At the same time, I can see my friends’ point: the way our society functions, refusing to let a guy pay is usually a girl’s way of expressing disinterest. Social protocol practically dictates that if you like the guy, you let him pay.

Which, to me anyway, is a little twisted.

It’s not just paying though. There are plenty of cases in which being a feminist – or even just embracing feminist ideologies – makes things all the more difficult to figure out. We all know the whole career versus family scenario; since the woman’s place used to be the home, now that we’re in the workforce we’re always trying to balance both. But what about life goals and focuses, especially in college?

The two things that seem to dominate my life, my thoughts, and my conversations are school and boys. Everything is about one thing or the other. But the former always takes priority – it has to, right? We’re in college for education and a chance at our dream careers first, and romance second. That’s why so many people I know are so upset over a friend of mine choosing to graduate early and just work until her boyfriend’s business has taken off so she can become a wife and woman of leisure. She’s throwing away her entire potential for a guy and an old-fashioned idea that women are defined in society by their husbands’ successes rather than their own.

But, on the other hand, she’s not constantly talking herself out of liking a guy or making a move. Another friend and I have been talking about how she needs to hold off on figuring out her guy issues until after her MCAT. And yeah, that’s a life-directing test, but I’ve put off confronting a guy until after my debate competition, after a paper, after an exam- there’s always something academic to justify why dealing with romantic problems has to wait. And wait. Because school always comes first, should always be the focus, and I should never, ever let a boy sway my focus. On anything. Not even the optional one-paragraph writing assignment for the class in which I’m pulling an A.

Part of it, obviously, is the drive to do well. But part of it is also a reflection of the roots of that family versus career conundrum. You want to have the success and happiness that women fought for- and that you genuinely want and have worked for- but you can’t figure out how to balance that with the hormones and the simple desire to have someone in your life. Anytime you start to focus on guys, it feels like you’re sacrificing part of yourself, of your work. But how much are we sacrificing for this idea that career is everything?

Don’t get me wrong- I work hard, and I have a strong sense of where I want to be in five years. I have a career and a life all planned out. I want to work in international human rights, travel, save the world and the people living in it. But I can’t, for the life of me, figure out where a guy would fit in. And even now in college, I have my classes, my thesis, a job, clubs, projects- things that will help me achieve. But at what cost? I feel like I’ve been so worried about betraying my feminist ideologies that I’ve purposely pushed any chance at romance not just to the backseat, but hanging out of the trunk.

And sure, even if I were to make concessions I’d still have issues letting a guy pay for me. But does it really have to be that strict of a trade-off? Or is there a balance we’re just not seeing?

[This story was originally posted by Rachael - University of Miami.]

Do you still want chivalry?

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So last week, I had a bit of a meltdown. A pre-grad crisis if you will, freaking out about what comes next before I even get there. So this week, I’m trying to fix that in the best way I know how. By eating lots of ice cream and watching old episodes of Gossip Girl making a list. But not just any list, a list of post-grad goals for myself. They’re rather vague but they are things worth working towards, things that I actually want to achieve someday.

1. Find a job that makes me happy. I double majored in English Literature and Philosophy. Not exactly majors that have a set career path. And so in the past four years I’ve contemplated everything from lawyer to information technology assistant to Food Network star (mostly just so I could co-host with Bobby Flay) and I’m really no closer to figuring out where I’m going to end up. But even if I have to take a few starter jobs along the way I am eventually going to choose a career that makes me happy, whatever that may be.

2. Get my masters. I’m not sure if I’ll be starting grad school in the fall or not, but I do know that I will be attending at some point. And not just because some statistic somewhere says that some number of people who get their masters are some percentage more likely to make a higher salary (I want to write…who am I kidding, anyway), but because it’s a personal goal of mine. I’ve always been a lover of learning, and even though I’ve had my fair share of complaints about classes this year, when it comes down to it all, I really do enjoy it. So I want to get my masters. At some point.

Read More »

Okay. So we’re going to do that thing where I write a word, and you say the first word that comes to mind. Ready? Okay.

Chivalry.

Right. So what are you thinking? Knights and ladies? Castles? Old school gentleman? Do you even know what chivalry is? Why am I playing the word association game with you? Well, I’ll tell you. A few days ago, The Frisky did this great post on what exactly it means to be chivalrous in today’s world and what it means to be a gentleman. Is it an outdated concept? Does it encourage stereotypical gender roles? Is chivalry dead, and if it’s not, should it be?

Obviously, this got me thinking all sorts of things about girls wearing hoop skirts and guys opening doors, and then, further back in time to Heath Ledger knights in armor and what I would look like in one of those peasanty gowns with super long hair…but I digress. The point is I started thinking about chivalry, but as often as I’ve heard about chivalry and as much as I’ve talked about if I couldn’t quite come up with a definition. So the natural researcher that I am, I looked it up. On Urban Dictionary. And the results, well, I wouldn’t so much call them helpful as I would eye opening. There were two pages worth of definitions which ranged from “is dead” to “an idea developed by Queen Eleanor of England” to “Women killed it. They don’t like when we are nice to them anymore.” Granted there were some more appropriate definitions, but for the most part that was pretty much it.

Read More »

OK, contrary to popular belief from my last posts, post-grad college life is pretty amazing sometimes.  That’s why I’m going to dedicate this post to something positive. Because yes, also contrary to popular belief, post-grad life is not a purgatory (I have a tendency to be a little melodramatic from time to time).

Back during my college days (that seem so long ago) going on dates seemed like a non-existent activity.  Go ahead and rat on me if you’ve been on ten dates already and you haven’t even been through an entire semester.  If that’s the case, I now understand why I don’t know you.

Anywho, I rarely went on any dates.  I met a lot of guys, but for some reason (probably somewhere along the lines of everyone leading a lifestyle two leaps away from a homeless person) dates were a seldom activity.  Therefore, while meeting guys was not difficult in college, dating them was.

Nowadays as a post-grad, meeting guys is a little more difficult to do outside of a strenuous work schedule.  However,  actual dating becomes a little more natural.  As opposed to college when I was surrounded by lax tees and Natty-Ice-grasping-frat-dudes 24/7 who couldn’t afford to buy me a McGriddle, the guys out here are more like, well, men.

During college, I was convinced chivalry did not exist anymore.  I mean, please; dudes wouldn’t even pump beer into my Solo cup for me.  Dudes wouldn’t hold the door for me at Chipotle.  Dudes wouldn’t sacrifice a treadmill during a busy afternoon in the workout room for me.  Dudes wouldn’t offer up the last burrito in the line at the caf for me.  I felt like a dude wouldn’t even go the extra mile to dedicate a fart to me (not that I’d want anything to do with that).

Read More »

[Want Tuffy Luv to answer your question? Email her at tuffy@collegecandy.com.]

Dear Tuffy Luv,

Here’s my dilemma. I’ve been dating my boyfriend for about 7 months. He’s great, really into me and always doing anything he can to make me happy. At first, all the “you’re so beautiful and perfect” blah blah comments were cute and flattering, as any girl would think, but he’s still doing it now, to an extreme, and it’s a little…annoying.

I mean, every girl needs a little bad boy now and then; not a mush ball ALL THE TIME. Sometimes I wonder if I’m with him because I’m afraid no one else will treat me as well as he does, but other times, I love being with him. Am I forcing it? Am I leading him on? Should I end it now, before things get further along? UGH

~Overloved

Dear Overloved,

Honey, you need to sit this boy down and tell him to cut that sh*t out.

It’s great to be flattered, but it’s only great if you know it’s sincere. And to Tuffy, it sounds like this is exactly the problem. How are you supposed to know he means it if he says it all the fricking time?!

Guys are always complaining that girls don’t like nice guys, why can’t girls like nice guys, girls are stupid for not liking nice guys, blah blah blah save your breath, jerks. Girls like nice guys. We just don’t like guys to butter us up like a fat guy’s doorway.

Compliments are nice, but your boy needs to learn to save them for when he really means it. Read More »

Recently, a few of my friends and I got into a bit of a disagreement over who pays on a date. Although a few people agreed with me that if the relationship is long-term, the couple should split the costs for practical reasons (after all, especially if you’re on a college budget, it’s hard to bear the burden of all expenses), the overall consensus was that the guy should always pay at first. Some said the first date, some the first three dates, and others advocated up to the first year. My friends argued that if he’s trying to win the girl over, this is the way to do it. Some even joked that it was payment in exchange for what they hoped would be a different type of payment later on.

Personally, I’m still in disagreement with the others on this one. The idea of letting anyone pay for me is just. . . wrong. It makes me feel uncomfortable and goes against every fiber of my feminist being. I’m a strong, self-sufficient woman; I work and take care of my own personal expenses, so why should I have a guy do it for me? And, even more to the point, why should I allow him to pay for me if I can’t pay for him? If we’re going for equality, then why is he footing the bill every time?

At the same time, I can see my friends’ point: the way our society functions, refusing to let a guy pay is usually a girl’s way of expressing disinterest. Social protocol practically dictates that if you like the guy, you let him pay.

Which, to me anyway, is a little twisted.

Read More »

Earlier today, while procrastinating on that whole “find a summer job” thing, I came across an article on Glamour.com entitled, “11 Things Men Want You to Do More Often—in Bed and Out.” At the top it says something about how men aren’t so different from women after all, because all they really want at the end of the day is to be pampered and loved!

So apparently (according to the article) your man wants you to remind him how hot he is, relinquish control of the remote, pick up the tabs and giving him frequent massages and blow jobs. What fun!

The list is honest and endearing, but there’s one major problem: most women don’t receive half of these courtesies in return. So now that Glamour’s gotten the convo started, here are some things I wish guys would do more often:

Read More »

[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of getting the pity-eyes as you sift through the Self-Help section at your campus bookstore? Over wondering what those boys are thinking?  We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude@collegecandy.com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time.  So bring it on, ladies.]

Hi Dude,

So I met this guy at a party one night and we exchanged numbers. A few days later he texted me and asked me if I wanted to meet him for some drinks. I met him at the bar and we had a great time. We had so much to talk about, there was never an awkward silence and we ended up staying pretty late. I was going to take the bus home (I go to school in Chicago and the bar was far from my place), but he refused to let me and offered to drive me home, which was in the complete opposite direction of his home. I got really awkward when we pulled up so I sorta just said my goodbye and jumped out of the car. I didn’t want him to think that meant I wasn’t interested so I texted him the next day to thank him and tell him how good of a time I had.

And then…. Nothing.

WTF? It’s fine if he’s not interested (even though that makes no sense based on how well things went) but why would he drive me all the way home if he wasn’t into me? Is it because I didn’t kiss him goodnight?

– First Date Freak Read More »

Call me, dammit!

OK, remember that boy I was confused about earlier this year? Yeah, well he showed back up again in my life. Without a warning, he offered to help edit my honors paper (and I mean, trust me, I was NOT going to say no to someone with decent grammar willingly offering to proof read…I have to bribe my roommates with brownies). And then I have vague recollections of drunk texting him one night (not one of my proudest moments, but occasionally these things happen to the best of us single girls on rough weekends). Whatever, you get the picture. So things continued from there, we hung out a few times, grabbed a late night dinner together twice..same old drill.

EXCEPT here’s the thing. Nothing has progressed since then. We haven’t gone on a date, hooked up, or done anything outside of the friend zone. Granted, I am busy (that might be an understatement), as is he, but still, you would think he would at least be able to find the time to ask me on a legitimate date somewhere (outside of the dining halls preferably) in the last month! I know that he’s interested in me as more than a friend because he asked my best friend if she thought I only liked him as a friend…

Now here is the problem. He is a nice guy, the kind of guy that I would actually date, not just maybe drunkenly hook up with once. He is a nice guy, who knows me and STILL likes me, except he can’t get his sh*t together to make a move. I think I really like this guy. He’s the first boy since my ex to make my heart flutter, make me daydream in class, give me that feeling in my stomach when I see his number pop up on my phone. Read More »