Here at CollegeCandy, we’ve wondered where chivalry has gone – and I’d like to know where the little sucker slipped of to, too. But what I want to talk about now is, if chivalry is gone, do we really want it back? And should we expect it?

No matter how you slice it, chivalry always smacks of gender inequality. And yeah, it’s a lot harder to complain about inequality when you’re the one benefiting from it, but shouldn’t we still stand up against it? Are we hypocrites if we don’t? Add to that the fact that most of the little things we ascribe to the idea of chivalry (flowers, love tokens, professions of undying love) are all essentially just methods of winning over or even buying our affections. Isn’t that something that we in the post-feminist era should rebel against on principal?

We’ve fought for years to say that we’re just as good as men, that we shouldn’t be treated differently – and now, like it or not, this lack of chivalry is basically just guys treating us exactly like they treat each other. Hello, feminist victory here!

But at the end of the day, say what you like about feminism, we aren’t all the same. Genders are different, not better or worse, but different and we will always, in some ways, want and need to be treated differently. Beyond that even, when you really break it down, chivalry is a respect thing – it’s good when a guy will respect you enough to at least offer to pick up the tab at dinner or hold out a chair for you. I mean, ultimately, chivalry is as much manners as anything else, and what’s wrong with expecting a guys to have manners?! There’s nothing inequitable or anti-female about wanting and expecting a certain level of manners and courtesy!

OK, on one side, I’m a Southern girl and I was brought up with a definite emphasis on manners so chivalry has always been up there on my list of things a good guy should have. But, at the same time, I’m also a modern girl and I really don’t care who opens the door – if you get there first, open it – no big, right? Are these contradictory ideas? Can we really have our cake and eat it too?

What do you think ladies? Does the idea of chivalry just hold us back? Or are we taking the whole gender equality thing too far when we can’t even be treated special?

Duke it out!

This post was originally written by Lauren H — The New School

[Lead image via Smart-foto/Shutterstock]

Recently, a few of my friends and I got into a bit of a disagreement over who pays on a date. Although a few people agreed with me that if the relationship is long-term, the couple should split the costs for practical reasons (after all, especially if you’re on a college budget, it’s hard to bear the burden of all expenses), the overall consensus was that the guy should always pay at first. Some said the first date, some the first three dates, and others advocated up to the first year. My friends argued that if he’s trying to win the girl over, this is the way to do it. Some even joked that it was payment in exchange for what they hoped would be a different type of payment later on.

Personally, I’m still in disagreement with the others on this one. The idea of letting anyone pay for me is just. . . wrong. It makes me feel uncomfortable and goes against every fiber of my feminist being. I’m a strong, self-sufficient woman; I work and take care of my own personal expenses, so why should I have a guy do it for me? And, even more to the point, why should I allow him to pay for me if I can’t pay for him? If we’re going for equality, then why is he footing the bill every time?

At the same time, I can see my friends’ point: the way our society functions, refusing to let a guy pay is usually a girl’s way of expressing disinterest. Social protocol practically dictates that if you like the guy, you let him pay.

Which, to me anyway, is a little twisted.

It’s not just paying though. There are plenty of cases in which being a feminist – or even just embracing feminist ideologies – makes things all the more difficult to figure out. We all know the whole career versus family scenario; since the woman’s place used to be the home, now that we’re in the workforce we’re always trying to balance both. But what about life goals and focuses, especially in college?

The two things that seem to dominate my life, my thoughts, and my conversations are school and boys. Everything is about one thing or the other. But the former always takes priority – it has to, right? We’re in college for education and a chance at our dream careers first, and romance second. That’s why so many people I know are so upset over a friend of mine choosing to graduate early and just work until her boyfriend’s business has taken off so she can become a wife and woman of leisure. She’s throwing away her entire potential for a guy and an old-fashioned idea that women are defined in society by their husbands’ successes rather than their own.

But, on the other hand, she’s not constantly talking herself out of liking a guy or making a move. Another friend and I have been talking about how she needs to hold off on figuring out her guy issues until after her MCAT. And yeah, that’s a life-directing test, but I’ve put off confronting a guy until after my debate competition, after a paper, after an exam- there’s always something academic to justify why dealing with romantic problems has to wait. And wait. Because school always comes first, should always be the focus, and I should never, ever let a boy sway my focus. On anything. Not even the optional one-paragraph writing assignment for the class in which I’m pulling an A.

Part of it, obviously, is the drive to do well. But part of it is also a reflection of the roots of that family versus career conundrum. You want to have the success and happiness that women fought for- and that you genuinely want and have worked for- but you can’t figure out how to balance that with the hormones and the simple desire to have someone in your life. Anytime you start to focus on guys, it feels like you’re sacrificing part of yourself, of your work. But how much are we sacrificing for this idea that career is everything?

Don’t get me wrong- I work hard, and I have a strong sense of where I want to be in five years. I have a career and a life all planned out. I want to work in international human rights, travel, save the world and the people living in it. But I can’t, for the life of me, figure out where a guy would fit in. And even now in college, I have my classes, my thesis, a job, clubs, projects- things that will help me achieve. But at what cost? I feel like I’ve been so worried about betraying my feminist ideologies that I’ve purposely pushed any chance at romance not just to the backseat, but hanging out of the trunk.

And sure, even if I were to make concessions I’d still have issues letting a guy pay for me. But does it really have to be that strict of a trade-off? Or is there a balance we’re just not seeing?

[This story was originally posted by Rachael - University of Miami.]

Do you still want chivalry?

Hollywood’s classic hunk turns 50

Want to see where Rihanna lives?

If you didn’t think Kathie Lee and Hoda were crazy before…

Why am I so insecure and how can I fix it?

Just a little Friday night cuteness

A pretty horrifying mugshot

1. Find a job that makes me happy. I double majored in English Literature and Philosophy. Not exactly majors that have a set career path. And so in the past four years I’ve contemplated everything from lawyer to information technology assistant to Food Network star (mostly just so I could co-host with Bobby Flay) and I’m really no closer to figuring out where I’m going to end up. But even if I have to take a few starter jobs along the way I am eventually going to choose a career that makes me happy, whatever that may be.

2. Get my masters. I’m not sure if I’ll be starting grad school in the fall or not, but I do know that I will be attending at some point. And not just because some statistic somewhere says that some number of people who get their masters are some percentage more likely to make a higher salary (I want to write…who am I kidding, anyway), but because it’s a personal goal of mine. I’ve always been a lover of learning, and even though I’ve had my fair share of complaints about classes this year, when it comes down to it all, I really do enjoy it. So I want to get my masters. At some point.

3. Try not to get those post-grad blues. Last week I got just a little bit freaked out about my potential post-grad plans. But I went back and read this post and reminded myself once again that there’s nothing wrong with me because I don’t have all the answers. I’m doing my best, and that is good enough, and it will work out. Even if, months from now, it doesn’t seem like that.

4. Experience this post-grad chivalry first hand. Dating doesn’t exactly exist in college. It’s more hook ups and breakups. Boyfriends and friends with benefits and bad decisions. And sure, that all has its benefits, but a functioning relationship out there in the world? Man, I can’t wait to get in on that action.

5. Enjoy the perks of no longer being a college student. No more classes. No more books. No more teachers’ dirty looks! Ahem. Excuse me. I was five years old again for a second. But no. Seriously. I think this column has clearly covered that there will be ups (read: no more papers) and downs (read: no more three-day weekends) to the end of my college career. And I need to make sure I’m not forgetting about the perks of post-grad life. Like all of these right here.

See? Now I have plans…

…

Someone get me a margarita.

Chivalry.

Right. So what are you thinking? Knights and ladies? Castles? Old school gentleman? Do you even know what chivalry is? Why am I playing the word association game with you? Well, I’ll tell you. A few days ago, The Frisky did this great post on what exactly it means to be chivalrous in today’s world and what it means to be a gentleman. Is it an outdated concept? Does it encourage stereotypical gender roles? Is chivalry dead, and if it’s not, should it be?

Obviously, this got me thinking all sorts of things about girls wearing hoop skirts and guys opening doors, and then, further back in time to Heath Ledger knights in armor and what I would look like in one of those peasanty gowns with super long hair…but I digress. The point is I started thinking about chivalry, but as often as I’ve heard about chivalry and as much as I’ve talked about if I couldn’t quite come up with a definition. So the natural researcher that I am, I looked it up. On Urban Dictionary. And the results, well, I wouldn’t so much call them helpful as I would eye opening. There were two pages worth of definitions which ranged from “is dead” to “an idea developed by Queen Eleanor of England” to “Women killed it. They don’t like when we are nice to them anymore.” Granted there were some more appropriate definitions, but for the most part that was pretty much it.

And that pretty much sums up the state of chivalry for us college girls these days, too. Gentleman don’t exist. In the 1950s chivalry meant opening doors for girls, carrying their books, standing when they entered a room, taking their coats, or giving  them compliments that don’t sound like they were stolen from an Usher song.

But now, when a guy lets you spend the night? That’s chivalrous. When he takes you out to dinner instead of to the dining hall? He’s being a gentleman. When a guy takes you on a real date as opposed to hanging out in his door room? That’s chivalrous. When he puts on pants without an elastic waistband and a shirt that has button’s down the front?  If he pays for your dinner or your coffee or picks you up for a date? Watch out. I just might swoon.

Because let’s face it, more often than not, guys just don’t need to be chivalrous because they have more options than we do. They don’t need to be “gentleman” because we out number them. I know on my campus the number of girls is way higher than the number of guys, and I could be wrong, but I think I remember reading somewhere that in general, there are more girls in college these days than guys. So if that’s the case guys can just do as these please, and if the girl they’re interested in is interested in chivalry, well they can just find another girl who isn’t so interested in it. So yes, if a guy asks me to grab coffee after class rather than propositioning me at a party it’s a big deal. In my eyes, he’s a gentleman.

And that might mean that on college campuses chivalry has a different definition than it did in the way back when, and a different definition than the one it has in the real world today, but I still think that underneath it all there should be a few unifying factors amongst the differing worlds of chivalry, amongst the way in which men should treat women. One urban dictionary contributor defined chivalry as courtesy and respect for women, and I think that is as great a unifying factor as anyone could hope for. Because whether guys show it by buying their girl a beer, or carrying her books, or saving her a seat in the dining hall women should be respected and appreciated, no matter what era we’re living in.

And if I get a few free meals out of it then so be it.

Back during my college days (that seem so long ago) going on dates seemed like a non-existent activity.  Go ahead and rat on me if you’ve been on ten dates already and you haven’t even been through an entire semester.  If that’s the case, I now understand why I don’t know you.

Anywho, I rarely went on any dates.  I met a lot of guys, but for some reason (probably somewhere along the lines of everyone leading a lifestyle two leaps away from a homeless person) dates were a seldom activity.  Therefore, while meeting guys was not difficult in college, dating them was.

Nowadays as a post-grad, meeting guys is a little more difficult to do outside of a strenuous work schedule.  However,  actual dating becomes a little more natural.  As opposed to college when I was surrounded by lax tees and Natty-Ice-grasping-frat-dudes 24/7 who couldn’t afford to buy me a McGriddle, the guys out here are more like, well, men.

During college, I was convinced chivalry did not exist anymore.  I mean, please; dudes wouldn’t even pump beer into my Solo cup for me.  Dudes wouldn’t hold the door for me at Chipotle.  Dudes wouldn’t sacrifice a treadmill during a busy afternoon in the workout room for me.  Dudes wouldn’t offer up the last burrito in the line at the caf for me.  I felt like a dude wouldn’t even go the extra mile to dedicate a fart to me (not that I’d want anything to do with that).

I figured their lack o’ chivalry had something to do with the fact that they were all twenty going on eight-years-old and they barely had enough money to support their Red Dog addiction.  So, I let it pass and drank a lot of booze, smooched a lot of cuties, and played the field the best I knew how – like a single girl without apologies.

But I have news for you, College Candies!  Good news!  By no means have I taken the place of the upcoming Bachelorette, but let me tell you this: I have discovered a miracle within a fugly dating world that existed during my life as a careless college connoisseur.

And here it is:

That chivalry we were all digging for as college students? It’s there. I’ve found it as a post-grad and it’s alive and well.  I’m not sure if I should blame myself for not discovering that chivalry existed until now, or if I should blame all the men out there for lacking the know-how and desire to step up, but either way, I’m happy someone has taken the plate.

Since graduation, I’ve been dating more than normal and really enjoying myself.  This “dating lifestyle” I’d been dreading as an undergrad has been a pleasant surprise.  I’ve always feared the dating world because I’ve always imagined awkward conversations about the wind, nightmare dates with haywire conversations about previous girlfriends, or being unable to fit the lettuce piece into my mouth without unhinging my jaw in front of him…

But that hasn’t been the case, at all.

I’ve been treated to a few great dinners, doors have been opened for me, follow-up dates have been suggested, sweet gifts have been received.  Now, I don’t want to make this sound like I am the sh*t because I’ve been on a few not-so-great dates too, but I’ve had just enough sweet date moments to flip my negative outlook into a positive one.

And while I have had some issues with spontaneous sobfests, my most recent dating experiences have not ended in tears. They ended in a full stomach, a full wallet, and a fulfilled, happy mind.  My date treated me wonderfully, bought the entire dinner, asked questions, and walked me to my door.  It was old-fashioned, fantastic and just what I always wanted in a date.

Let it be known: somewhere out there as a post-grad, chivalry does exist!  Compared to a whirlwind life in college, where dating is muffled, chivalry is questionable and second dates are usually spent rolling around on a futon, post-grad life will give you hope.  Post-grad life will prove to you that men want to be chivalrous and they pride themselves on it.  Post-grad life will show us that boys really do want to find their manhood. Not that they never did during college — but they would probably rather try Four Loko and forget about the chick they made out with.  Although please keep note: I have not turned thirty.  I’ve turned twenty-three.  Guys are still out there who like to bump and grind against your leg and douche out with Mikes Hard Lemonade after a trip to LoserTown.

But on another positive note, to all of those struggling post-grad guys out there: props to you (if you’re doing the dating right with the some classic chivalry).  Chicks are noticing and it’s paying off.

Recently, a few of my friends and I got into a bit of a disagreement over who pays on a date. Although a few people agreed with me that if the relationship is long-term, the couple should split the costs for practical reasons (after all, especially if you’re on a college budget, it’s hard to bear the burden of all expenses), the overall consensus was that the guy should always pay at first. Some said the first date, some the first three dates, and others advocated up to the first year. My friends argued that if he’s trying to win the girl over, this is the way to do it. Some even joked that it was payment in exchange for what they hoped would be a different type of payment later on.

Personally, I’m still in disagreement with the others on this one. The idea of letting anyone pay for me is just. . . wrong. It makes me feel uncomfortable and goes against every fiber of my feminist being. I’m a strong, self-sufficient woman; I work and take care of my own personal expenses, so why should I have a guy do it for me? And, even more to the point, why should I allow him to pay for me if I can’t pay for him? If we’re going for equality, then why is he footing the bill every time?

At the same time, I can see my friends’ point: the way our society functions, refusing to let a guy pay is usually a girl’s way of expressing disinterest. Social protocol practically dictates that if you like the guy, you let him pay.

Which, to me anyway, is a little twisted.

It’s not just paying though. There are plenty of cases in which being a feminist – or even just embracing feminist ideologies – makes things all the more difficult to figure out. We all know the whole career versus family scenario; since the woman’s place used to be the home, now that we’re in the workforce we’re always trying to balance both. But what about life goals and focuses, especially in college?

The two things that seem to dominate my life, my thoughts, and my conversations are school and boys. Everything is about one thing or the other. But the former always takes priority – it has to, right? We’re in college for education and a chance at our dream careers first, and romance second. That’s why so many people I know are so upset over a friend of mine choosing to graduate early and just work until her boyfriend’s business has taken off so she can become a wife and woman of leisure. She’s throwing away her entire potential for a guy and an old-fashioned idea that women are defined in society by their husbands’ successes rather than their own.

But, on the other hand, she’s not constantly talking herself out of liking a guy or making a move. Another friend and I have been talking about how she needs to hold off on figuring out her guy issues until after her MCAT. And yeah, that’s a life-directing test, but I’ve put off confronting a guy until after my debate competition, after a paper, after an exam- there’s always something academic to justify why dealing with romantic problems has to wait. And wait. Because school always comes first, should always be the focus, and I should never, ever let a boy sway my focus. On anything. Not even the optional one-paragraph writing assignment for the class in which I’m pulling an A.

Part of it, obviously, is the drive to do well. But part of it is also a reflection of the roots of that family versus career conundrum. You want to have the success and happiness that women fought for- and that you genuinely want and have worked for- but you can’t figure out how to balance that with the hormones and the simple desire to have someone in your life. Anytime you start to focus on guys, it feels like you’re sacrificing part of yourself, of your work. But how much are we sacrificing for this idea that career is everything?

Don’t get me wrong- I work hard, and I have a strong sense of where I want to be in five years. I have a career and a life all planned out. I want to work in international human rights, travel, save the world and the people living in it. But I can’t, for the life of me, figure out where a guy would fit in. And even now in college, I have my classes, my thesis, a job, clubs, projects- things that will help me achieve. But at what cost? I feel like I’ve been so worried about betraying my feminist ideologies that I’ve purposely pushed any chance at romance not just to the backseat, but hanging out of the trunk.

And sure, even if I were to make concessions I’d still have issues letting a guy pay for me. But does it really have to be that strict of a trade-off? Or is there a balance we’re just not seeing?

Earlier today, while procrastinating on that whole “find a summer job” thing, I came across an article on Glamour.com entitled, “11 Things Men Want You to Do More Often—in Bed and Out.” At the top it says something about how men aren’t so different from women after all, because all they really want at the end of the day is to be pampered and loved!

So apparently (according to the article) your man wants you to remind him how hot he is, relinquish control of the remote, pick up the tabs and giving him frequent massages and blow jobs. What fun!

The list is honest and endearing, but there’s one major problem: most women don’t receive half of these courtesies in return. So now that Glamour’s gotten the convo started, here are some things I wish guys would do more often:

1. Leave us be while watching the Hills, Sex and the City, Keeping up with Kardashians etc.
No need for the mockery, gentlemen. How about we call a truce? We’ll leave you be with your fantasy football, FIFA and ESPN, you leave us be with Speidi (my, what a frightening thought).

2. Try complimenting something other than our cleavage
There’s more to us than our boobs, you know. Why not take notice when we dominate an exam or when you see how hard we’re working at reaching our fitness goals at the gym?

3. Go down there
Blow jobs are be like flowers for guys and the lost art of cunnilingus is like diamonds to us ladies. Show our nether regions a little love, will ya?

4. Lie to make our parents love you
Life is just so much easier without my father knowing how you really spend your free time…

5. Surprise us
Spontaneity somehow never gets old. But dinner, Netflix and making out in the corner of a frat party does.

6. Actually attempt to read/understand the directions in advance instead of always relying on that “manly wit” of yours.
When you complete a task without breaking something/hurting yourself, you will be rewarded.

7. Cook for us
There’s something about a man in apron that just always gets me going! And seeing how hard you worked, despite the outcome, is something we’ll always appreciate.

8. Make an effort with our friends
They can be your biggest advocate or adversary (both behind your back, of course) so please just try to show them why it is we love you so much.

9. Open a door or two, here and there
Because chivalry can be sexy as hell.

10. Accurately aim into the toilet instead of on the seat for a change
Must we really ask this?!

11. This one’s for you to decide
What do you wish guys would do more often? Sound off below!

[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of getting the pity-eyes as you sift through the Self-Help section at your campus bookstore? Over wondering what those boys are thinking?  We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude@collegecandy.com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time.  So bring it on, ladies.]

Hi Dude,

So I met this guy at a party one night and we exchanged numbers. A few days later he texted me and asked me if I wanted to meet him for some drinks. I met him at the bar and we had a great time. We had so much to talk about, there was never an awkward silence and we ended up staying pretty late. I was going to take the bus home (I go to school in Chicago and the bar was far from my place), but he refused to let me and offered to drive me home, which was in the complete opposite direction of his home. I got really awkward when we pulled up so I sorta just said my goodbye and jumped out of the car. I didn’t want him to think that meant I wasn’t interested so I texted him the next day to thank him and tell him how good of a time I had.

And then…. Nothing.

WTF? It’s fine if he’s not interested (even though that makes no sense based on how well things went) but why would he drive me all the way home if he wasn’t into me? Is it because I didn’t kiss him goodnight?

– First Date Freak

Dear First Date Freak,

Ladies and gentlemen, step right up, no need to shove, for you will all see a spectacle sought the world over – the last of his kind. Bring the kiddies and don’t worry about your wallets. The Dudemaster proudly presents: The last decent human being on Earth! He gives women a ride home, not to get ridden, but because it’s the right thing to do. This man is me.

Gotcha!

YOU DON’T LET HER RIDE THE BUS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT! I have given several rides home to women I wasn’t the least bit attracted to (not that I’m implying he wasn’t even a little interested). I did it because my momma raised me right. There’s no good excuse to let a gal make an Odyssey through a suburban or urban jungle after an evening of drinking. What if she’s mugged? Assaulted? Abducted by a secret rogue government agency that worships a circular symbol of commitment? He didn’t give you a ride because he was fishing for some lovin’, he did it because he wanted to make sure you were safe.

Is he interested? Maybe, maybe not. Don’t read too much into the ride. The ride is not necessarily an indicator of interest as much as a sign that he’s not a complete scumbag. Ladies, if a guy has a car and doesn’t make the offer to drive you home at the end of the date then erase his existence from your memories. Now, onto the crucial question: is he or is he not interested?

Based on what you told me, the outlook is muddled. You had a great night of conversation. That’s a good start. However, he didn’t get in touch the next day. Well, that could or could not be a bad sign. See, some men are idiots and think the 2 day call rule after a date is a real rule. So they wait a couple days (as opposed to sending a text the next day or calling her toward the middle of the week when he has an idea of what his weekend looks like). He might also have been really swamped running around the entire day and wanted to get in touch when he had some time to actually talk. Maybe he wanted to get his schedule straightened out before scheduling another date. Maybe he’s not interested and has no intention of keeping in touch. Some time has to pass before a definitive answer one way or the other can be determined.

Just relax. You’ve done all you can. Now you have to wait and see what happens. In the meantime appreciate the fact that the man of manners isn’t completely extinct. You had a nice time. You got home safe. You saved money on bus fare. All in all, sounds like you came out ahead.

Don’t drink and drive,

Safety Dude

Call me, dammit!

OK, remember that boy I was confused about earlier this year? Yeah, well he showed back up again in my life. Without a warning, he offered to help edit my honors paper (and I mean, trust me, I was NOT going to say no to someone with decent grammar willingly offering to proof read…I have to bribe my roommates with brownies). And then I have vague recollections of drunk texting him one night (not one of my proudest moments, but occasionally these things happen to the best of us single girls on rough weekends). Whatever, you get the picture. So things continued from there, we hung out a few times, grabbed a late night dinner together twice..same old drill.

EXCEPT here’s the thing. Nothing has progressed since then. We haven’t gone on a date, hooked up, or done anything outside of the friend zone. Granted, I am busy (that might be an understatement), as is he, but still, you would think he would at least be able to find the time to ask me on a legitimate date somewhere (outside of the dining halls preferably) in the last month! I know that he’s interested in me as more than a friend because he asked my best friend if she thought I only liked him as a friend…

Now here is the problem. He is a nice guy, the kind of guy that I would actually date, not just maybe drunkenly hook up with once. He is a nice guy, who knows me and STILL likes me, except he can’t get his sh*t together to make a move. I think I really like this guy. He’s the first boy since my ex to make my heart flutter, make me daydream in class, give me that feeling in my stomach when I see his number pop up on my phone.

Except I am tired of waiting for him to make a move!

I know, I know, it is the 21st century, and girls have just as much of a right to ask out guys as vice versa. Yeah, except that is just not something that I would ever do. I beat boys in soccer games, change my own tire (not quickly, but I do), even command authority in meetings, but that is as far as my feminist independence goes. Call me old fashioned for still believing in the notion of chivalry, but I just would not be comfortable taking control of a relationship and making a really forward move.

The way I see it, if he wants to talk to me, he will. If he doesn’t, well, I don’t want to be clingy, a nuisance, or THAT girl. So for now, I am just going to have to wait, analyze and daydream until he mans up to make his next move. And waiting is something I don’t do well.

Honestly, people wonder why girls don’t fall for nice guys. All I want is for this nice guy to take some intiative, and I would be falling.