Listen, I don’t know about you, but I had seriously been looking forward to this coming Sunday. A celebration of religion, a day spent with the family, and of course – chocolate!

But now it’s all down the freaking tubes, thanks to those goddamn Catholics! Yep, it pains me to announce that this weekend’s Chocolate Jesus fesitval has been cancelled.

The six-foot, nude (sans loin cloth!) chocolate Jesus statue has been pulled from the Roger Smith Hotel in Manhattan after Bill Donahue (the veritable Pope of Catholicism) said, “This is one of the worst assaults on Christian sensibilities ever. It’s not just the ugliness of the portrayal, but the timing – to choose Holy Week is astounding.”

Maybe it’s just me, but isn’t chocolate the most honorable thing you could sculpt Jesus out of? It’s quite difficult to mold… maybe even as difficult as rationing out six loaves and fishes to thousands! Jesus would approve! Besides, plaster and marble ain’t tasty!

If they were gonna cancel this exhibit for any reason, it probably should have been because that statue is AWFUL. Are you lookin’ at that thing?!

I’m so sure Catholics are all about transubstantiating wine into Jesus’ blood, but they are totally anti a chocolate Jesus body. Blood is way more sacred than body. Wait, that’s not right. But really, why is a six-foot chocolate Jesus statue so wrong, but this little chocolate Jesus candy is marketed as the perfect Easter treat?

Or is this more about the dearth of loin cloth? ‘Cause he’s just showin’ what he was immaculately born with. For seers.

Anyway, my Sunday is ruined. Guess I’ll go see Grindhouse.