Who says you need a little excitement in your love life to get your heart rate going? Chocolate can do just that, if not better. Hallelujah.

I know we have all gone through ‘slumps’ or ‘droughts’ shall we say, when all we crave is a little passion and lip-locking. If only I had known about these recent findings during those times, maybe my life would have been a little easier. Researchers have now found that eating chocolate creates a longer and more intense ‘buzz’ than kissing, and doubled the heart rates of volunteers in the study.

“There is no doubt that chocolate beats kissing hands down when it comes to providing a long-lasting body and brain buzz…A buzz that, in many cases, lasted four times as long as the most passionate kiss,” said one doctor from the study.

I mean, I always thought chocolate made me feel better, but I always figured it was purely mental and just an old female myth. Now, it has actually been proven that it gives you a greater buzz than passionate kissing. Oh, the wonders of science.

But, there is a trick to acquiring the best buzz possible, and it has to do with the chocolate melting on your tongue. Listen closely…

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Listen, I don’t know about you, but I had seriously been looking forward to this coming Sunday. A celebration of religion, a day spent with the family, and of course – chocolate!

But now it’s all down the freaking tubes, thanks to those goddamn Catholics! Yep, it pains me to announce that this weekend’s Chocolate Jesus fesitval has been cancelled.

The six-foot, nude (sans loin cloth!) chocolate Jesus statue has been pulled from the Roger Smith Hotel in Manhattan after Bill Donahue (the veritable Pope of Catholicism) said, “This is one of the worst assaults on Christian sensibilities ever. It’s not just the ugliness of the portrayal, but the timing – to choose Holy Week is astounding.”

Maybe it’s just me, but isn’t chocolate the most honorable thing you could sculpt Jesus out of? It’s quite difficult to mold… maybe even as difficult as rationing out six loaves and fishes to thousands! Jesus would approve! Besides, plaster and marble ain’t tasty!

If they were gonna cancel this exhibit for any reason, it probably should have been because that statue is AWFUL. Are you lookin’ at that thing?!

I’m so sure Catholics are all about transubstantiating wine into Jesus’ blood, but they are totally anti a chocolate Jesus body. Blood is way more sacred than body. Wait, that’s not right. But really, why is a six-foot chocolate Jesus statue so wrong, but this little chocolate Jesus candy is marketed as the perfect Easter treat?

Or is this more about the dearth of loin cloth? ‘Cause he’s just showin’ what he was immaculately born with. For seers.

Anyway, my Sunday is ruined. Guess I’ll go see Grindhouse.

Bad news. According to some article I read yesterday while sitting in Stats lecture, there is a severe cocoa shortage happening as we speak.

I am not really an economics/business minded person, so I can’t tell you why there is a shortage, but it doesn’t matter. All that matters is that there is. And I am scared. My life revolves around chocolate. I turn to my good friend Cocoa in times of happiness and times of extreme boy-related-depression. How can I go on without it?! 

- What will I nosh on late into the night when I am studying for finals?

- How will I be able to warm up without my hot cocoa after a long day of walking to class in these frigid Michigan winters?

- What will I eat to make myself feel better when my boyfriend and I get into a fight because I see him flirting with another (much skankier/worse dressing) girl at the bar?

- And, most importantly, what will I pour all over his body when he apologizes, telling me I’m the only one he wants/needs/could ever hope for, and we have mind blowing make-up sex? Read More »