[Every week, CC and John will bring you some of the weirdest, funniest, saddest things he hears on his college campus. Join the Overheard revolution! Leave your own overheard convos in the comments.]

A girl outside a dorm room, in the hallway:

“Hey, so can I come in yet? Are you done painting diamonds on your ass?”

A cluster of people are smoking outside a dorm. Another guy runs up to them, carrying some bulky bags.

“Guys! I just kicked a squirrel. Like, I was walking, and then I felt this, like, weight on my foot, and then I just saw this squirrel flying up in front of me.”

“I can’t remember anything more! My brain’s full! If I remember anything else, I’m going to forget something incredibly important!”

A guy on the phone:

“So I bought this mask, and I’m trying to wear it everywhere, but all my professors were like ‘Take it off! It’s too scary!’ Well, f**k them, I’m wearing it to work, and nobody’s going to stop me!”

I walk into a dorm room, and the first thing I hear:

“… So then I had to hold my stomach because my clothes were all falling off!”

“Oh, look at her, she’s such a salty load!”

At a campus Halloween event, a boy is drinking something hot. An employee, wearing a “Scream” outfit, runs up behind him and grabs his shoulders in an effort to scare him.

The boy screams and throws his drink in the air – scalding both of them.

“Have you ever choked on jelly? It’s so sweet! You don’t want to stop choking!”