"If I clean this toilet I can have a beer tonight."

I’m constantly amazed at how challenging it is to be an adult. It’s like everyday there’s something new I have to do that won’t get taken care of unless I actually take the initiative to do it.

I’ve basically had to turn into a parent for myself in order to get anything done. I remind myself to do things repeatably even though I heard myself the first time, I nag myself incessantly to do gross chores around the apartment, and I even discipline and reward myself with a behavior chart I keep on the fridge. Five gold stars mean I can go out for happy hour on Friday.

I’ve recently put myself in time-out (spent all day on the couch watching whatever Sandra Bullock movie TBS plays) for breaking curfew and I’ve lectured myself about not taking vitamins when I started sniffling last week. I’m at the point that I think my actual mother feels left out when she calls because I’ve already covered her territory. She calls expecting an opportunity to nurture (tell me what to do) and instead she gets a co-parent complaining about misbehavior and paying the cable bill on time.

While I’ve enjoyed being a parent to myself and ending each night with a warm glass of milk and Goodnight Moon, I’ve started to wonder when I will transition from being a faux-adult to being a real one. Read More »

Ah, it’s almost back-to-school time. August is quickly coming to a close and I can practically smell summer ending. Although it’s hard to part with backyard BBQ’s and cut-off shorts, the end of summer also ushers in something I enjoy equally as much: The return to campus.

But not everybody is headin’ back to a cramped, 8×10 box that college officials have dubbed “ the dorm.” Nope—some of you ladies (myself included) will find yourselves hunched over textbooks in more reasonably-sized quarters. Yes, I’m talking about off-campus houses and apartments! Although living off-campus for the first time is exciting, there are a couple things you definitely need to know when preparing to live on your own for the first time.

1. Grocery shopping sucks. At first it sounds freakin’ sweet to be able to grab a cart and throw whatever goodies your little heart desires into it. It’s so much fun to ogle all those fresh fruits and veggies and delicious frozen pizzas. The first time. But going grocery shopping when you’re hungover/starving/lacking caffeine is not fun. It’s a tedious, exhausting and costly activity. Find someone else to do it for you. For real.

2. Signing a lease is like signing over your life. It is HARD WORK to break a lease. Once you sign your name on that dotted line, you’re at the mercy of your (slum)landlord. Although there are ways to get around it (like by having a good lawyer, or a REALLY sh*tty landlord), most of the time you’re locked in until your move-out date, sister, regardless of your personal issues. Read More »

Ahh.. home sweet home. Or is it? Now that most of us are home for the summer, we’ve realized that the break’s over and the spontaneous nights of beer pong and the freedom to do who/what we like are gone. Funny how quickly it went from, “Our baby girl’s finally home from college. We’ve missed you so much!” to “Oh. You’re home? Run to the store and pick up some milk.”

Things are starting to fall back into their old routines, but it’s not the same. You’re an adult now, a house guest in your own home. Your house doesn’t really feel like your pre-college home anymore and the rules have all changed… or have they? Check out these Home-for-the-Summer House Rules:

Curfews. Yes, I understand that most of us are way too old to have curfews. This isn’t about that. It’s rude to stumble in at 1 in the morning and wake up the entire house. And regardless of whether you’re 12 or 22, you should probably give your parents a heads up if you’re planning to stay out late. Your parents will always be your parents and if their baby is still out “missing” with no warning, they’re going to worry/call the cops.

Chores. Just because you’re an ‘adult’ now (especially because you’re an adult now) doesn’t mean you can laze around all summer. Your mother is not your maid. If your parents are feeding you and letting you live rent free for the summer, the least you can do is pick up after yourself and help around the house. Chances are, the rents have realized that you’re going to be around for awhile and they’ve already put you to work anyway. Read More »

[I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not the epitome of prim and proper- heck, who really is nowadays? But looking around at the misguided youths of today *ahem drinking buddies*, I’m starting to think that Miss Manners might have been onto something.

While you may never need to know how to greet a duke or how to tell which fork is REALLY the oyster fork, knowing how to deal with people whom owe you money, how much to tip, and how to address the ever annoying licorice-in-teeth conundrum without being rude might actually come in handy in the real world. I'm not trying to be your mother - oh goodness, no - I'm just here to help you out of those little etiquette dilemmas. So here goes: a quick lesson in etiquette. The sh*t you might actually need to know.]

I love sleepovers. They are always so reminiscent of fifth grade slumber parties when, for one whole night, you and your BFF would stay up eating sundaes and talking about your favorite N*Sync member (<3 Lance).

Anyway, I still love sleepovers. Only now there are no sundaes (because we all know what happens when we scarf down a pound of ice cream at midnight), my beloved Lance is gay (in hindsight, I probably should have seen that coming), and the friend sleeping over part usually lasts waayyyy longer than just one night. Sometimes, the friend stays for weeks and instead of it being the super fun party you remembered, it kind of… sucks. I can’t complain though, I’ve done it myself – once I spent the entire summer at a friend’s while my house was being remodeled. So given the response to my last cheat sheet, I’ve decided to make another one: Miss Manner’s guide to being a good house guest… Read More »

See the picture to the left? Is this porn to you? Can you see yourself getting all hot and bothered at the sight of this guy?

Apparently, when some women think pornography, they think “hot guy with his shirt off taking out the trash.”

Photographer Susan Anderson and The Cambridge Women’s Pornography Cooperative (which sounds cool but doesn’t have a lot of media attached to it, at least according to Google and Wikipedia) asked women, young, old, rich, and poor, “What really, really gets you hot?” and then proceeded to write a book about it.

According to the authors of Porn For Women, the sorts of things that get us breathing heavy are “beautiful PG photos of hunky men cooking, listening, [and] asking for directions, accompanied by steamy captions: “I love a clean house!” or “As long as I have two legs to walk on, you’ll never take out the trash.””

Uh.

I mean, my grandma would approve.

When I think of porn for women, I think of naked guys doing a lot more than listening, and there sure isn’t a need for any captions.

While it’s pretty obvious this book is a joke, you have to wonder why the photographer and authors thought it necessary to keep it “PG”. Why not have guys vacuuming and dusting in the buff? Read More »