"If I clean this toilet I can have a beer tonight."

I’m constantly amazed at how challenging it is to be an adult. It’s like everyday there’s something new I have to do that won’t get taken care of unless I actually take the initiative to do it.

I’ve basically had to turn into a parent for myself in order to get anything done. I remind myself to do things repeatably even though I heard myself the first time, I nag myself incessantly to do gross chores around the apartment, and I even discipline and reward myself with a behavior chart I keep on the fridge. Five gold stars mean I can go out for happy hour on Friday.

I’ve recently put myself in time-out (spent all day on the couch watching whatever Sandra Bullock movie TBS plays) for breaking curfew and I’ve lectured myself about not taking vitamins when I started sniffling last week. I’m at the point that I think my actual mother feels left out when she calls because I’ve already covered her territory. She calls expecting an opportunity to nurture (tell me what to do) and instead she gets a co-parent complaining about misbehavior and paying the cable bill on time.

While I’ve enjoyed being a parent to myself and ending each night with a warm glass of milk and Goodnight Moon, I’ve started to wonder when I will transition from being a faux-adult to being a real one.

Will I ever take care of myself just because I want to or will I spend the rest of my life threatening myself to either eat broccoli or suffer the consequences (No Hulu in bed)? Does scrubbing the toilet ever get exciting or will it always be something I’ll do while gagging and whining? When will I feel compelled to change my sheets on a regular basis and not just when I spill cereal on them?

I don’t know. Hopefully not soon because I’m really enjoying earning gold stars on my discipline chart (finished all my work for today = 2.5 stars). And I’m really looking forward to treating myself on mother’s day – after all being a parent is hard work and it will be nice to get a day dedicated to myself.

Ah, it’s almost back-to-school time. August is quickly coming to a close and I can practically smell summer ending. Although it’s hard to part with backyard BBQ’s and cut-off shorts, the end of summer also ushers in something I enjoy equally as much: The return to campus.

But not everybody is headin’ back to a cramped, 8×10 box that college officials have dubbed “ the dorm.” Nope—some of you ladies (myself included) will find yourselves hunched over textbooks in more reasonably-sized quarters. Yes, I’m talking about off-campus houses and apartments! Although living off-campus for the first time is exciting, there are a couple things you definitely need to know when preparing to live on your own for the first time.

1. Grocery shopping sucks. At first it sounds freakin’ sweet to be able to grab a cart and throw whatever goodies your little heart desires into it. It’s so much fun to ogle all those fresh fruits and veggies and delicious frozen pizzas. The first time. But going grocery shopping when you’re hungover/starving/lacking caffeine is not fun. It’s a tedious, exhausting and costly activity. Find someone else to do it for you. For real.

2. Signing a lease is like signing over your life. It is HARD WORK to break a lease. Once you sign your name on that dotted line, you’re at the mercy of your (slum)landlord. Although there are ways to get around it (like by having a good lawyer, or a REALLY sh*tty landlord), most of the time you’re locked in until your move-out date, sister, regardless of your personal issues.

3. A good dorm roommate does not equal a good house roommate. Think just because you lived together in a room smaller than your dad’s cubicle you can “totally make it work” in an apartment? Think again. Dorms don’t require you to fix the toilet, or deal with black mold, or scrub dirty dishes, or sign over a monthly cable check. People you would have trusted with your life in your dorm days just might turn out to be totally unreliable when it comes to serious stuff like paying bills on time.

4. The more is not always the merrier. Multiple females in one house is like living inside a ticking time bomb. Someone is ALWAYS PMS-ing, screwing their boyfriend too loud or “forgetting” that you have to wake up at 7 a.m. when they barge into your room at 3 a.m. after dollar beer Tuesdays.

5. Walls are not sound-proof. You will most likely hear things you don’t want to, whether from inside your own house or because your paper-thin walls allow you to hear every little movement your neighbor makes. Just keep that in mind when that guy texts you at 2 a.m. for a booty call…

6. Cleaning is hard work. If you don’t clean regularly, stuff gets dirty. Fast. Remember all those wild house parties you crashed while you lived in the dorm? Yeah, somebody had to clean that house up the morning after. Now, that somebody is you.

7. Just because someone’s your neighbor, doesn’t mean they have to lend you their sugar. Or toilet paper. Or be cool with a beer pong table in your shared hallway.

8. Less is more. Less furniture, less floor space, less clutter, less dishes. Whatever you can afford to downsize before you move into your apartment, DO IT. And remember—anything you move into your new pad, you also have to move out at the end of the year.

9. Everything costs money. Toilet paper, paper towels, a plunger…these are all necessities. And they all require you to hand over your hard-earned cash.

10. In that same vein, USE COUPONS.

11. But above all, have fun. Most likely your college apartment is not gonna be filled with designer items & gourmet foods. It’s gonna be filled with empty pizza boxes from late-night binges, worn old textbooks and (hopefully) hot boys. So enjoy it, sister (…especially the hot boys. Word is they go fast after college.)

[photo: http://josieshouseofstyle.blogspot.com/]

Things are starting to fall back into their old routines, but it’s not the same. You’re an adult now, a house guest in your own home. Your house doesn’t really feel like your pre-college home anymore and the rules have all changed… or have they? Check out these Home-for-the-Summer House Rules:

Curfews. Yes, I understand that most of us are way too old to have curfews. This isn’t about that. It’s rude to stumble in at 1 in the morning and wake up the entire house. And regardless of whether you’re 12 or 22, you should probably give your parents a heads up if you’re planning to stay out late. Your parents will always be your parents and if their baby is still out “missing” with no warning, they’re going to worry/call the cops.

Chores. Just because you’re an ‘adult’ now (especially because you’re an adult now) doesn’t mean you can laze around all summer. Your mother is not your maid. If your parents are feeding you and letting you live rent free for the summer, the least you can do is pick up after yourself and help around the house. Chances are, the rents have realized that you’re going to be around for awhile and they’ve already put you to work anyway.

Visitors. Again, clear it up with your parents before you invite your entire sorority over for a midnight bash in your basement. Even if it’s just a couple of study buddies who want to hang for the night, be respectful about it. Poor granny might be trying to sleep in the other room!

Smoking/Drinking/Drugs. You need to accept that you’re not on campus anymore. “Experimenting” the way you do in school is not okay during summer break… especially not at 10 am in your living room. It’s disrespectful and it makes your parents question whether or not they’re wasting money on your education.

Er… Sleeping Buddies. I’m not knocking it, but I really don’t know why you’d want to have sex with someone while your parents are in the room down the hall. I mean, if that’s your thing and your parents are perfectly cool with you having sex under their roof, then, by all means, enjoy it. But make sure they’re okay with it. (Note: I have no idea how to broach this topic.) If you get the green light, remember to always warn them when you have a guest over – you don’t want your daddy to bust in swinging a bat because he heard some strange “thumping noises” coming from your room.

Sadly, the rules have not changed. Your parents can still pull the whole, “You live under my roof, you live by my rules” speech and as long as that’s true, you can’t do a thing about it. But don’t worry – only a few more months til jailbreak!

[I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not the epitome of prim and proper- heck, who really is nowadays? But looking around at the misguided youths of today *ahem drinking buddies*, I’m starting to think that Miss Manners might have been onto something.

While you may never need to know how to greet a duke or how to tell which fork is REALLY the oyster fork, knowing how to deal with people whom owe you money, how much to tip, and how to address the ever annoying licorice-in-teeth conundrum without being rude might actually come in handy in the real world. I'm not trying to be your mother - oh goodness, no - I'm just here to help you out of those little etiquette dilemmas. So here goes: a quick lesson in etiquette. The sh*t you might actually need to know.]

I love sleepovers. They are always so reminiscent of fifth grade slumber parties when, for one whole night, you and your BFF would stay up eating sundaes and talking about your favorite N*Sync member (<3 Lance).

Anyway, I still love sleepovers. Only now there are no sundaes (because we all know what happens when we scarf down a pound of ice cream at midnight), my beloved Lance is gay (in hindsight, I probably should have seen that coming), and the friend sleeping over part usually lasts waayyyy longer than just one night. Sometimes, the friend stays for weeks and instead of it being the super fun party you remembered, it kind of… sucks. I can’t complain though, I’ve done it myself – once I spent the entire summer at a friend’s while my house was being remodeled. So given the response to my last cheat sheet, I’ve decided to make another one: Miss Manner’s guide to being a good house guest…

Always clean up after yourself: If you even have to be asked to clean up after yourself, you probably aren’t being the best house guest. This is very simple rule: if you make a mess, clean it.

Offer to do chores: Yes, you may be the guest, but if the hosts are kind enough to let you stay rent-free, try to show your gratitude by offering to buy groceries or do the dishes. Even if they decline, at least they’ll know that you’re not just a lazy freeloader. It’s the thought that counts.

Don’t have visitors over without asking: While some hosts are generally okay with you having a friend over, it is always wise to clear it with them first. This is especially true if you are planning on having someone over at a weird hour (booty call) or if you wanted to invite someone to dinner (prep-time needed).

Always leave a note if you plan on staying out/not coming home: It might suck always having to answer to someone during your stay, but if you plan on sleeping at your bf’s for the night, remember to tell your hosts so that they don’t worry.

Don’t talk excessively on the land line: You have to be very careful about this one. I know it’s hard to believe but not everyone has unlimited calling and the host might not be so happy with her $500 phone bill. Watch out for long distance calling too. I once vacationed at a friend’s house in Texas and a bout of homesickness caused me to constantly call my parents- in NY! Boy, did I learn my lesson when her father came home steaming mad with the phone bill.

Replace anything you finish: If you use up the host’s [juice/lotion/conditioner/paper/ink/etc.], it is common house guest courtesy to replace it immediately, even if you bought it to begin with.

Don’t go too heavy on the water/electricity: Some people are generally more careful with how they use their electricity and water. Try not to run up their utility bills by taking hour-long showers or leaving a multitude of unnecessary lights on, especially if you know that your hosts have gone green. Actually, even if they aren’t into the whole conservation thing, you should still keep in mind that after you leave they’ll be the ones paying the bill.

Integrate yourself into the host’s schedule: If you know that the host has a strict rule about 11 pm bedtimes, then don’t fight it. Do not listen to music on full blast while they are trying to sleep. Do not talk on the phone until four in the morning. If you truly cannot stand their erratic schedule, try to work out a compromise. But under no circumstances should you b*tch and complain that they are being unreasonable. I hate to break it to ya, but as long as you are under their roof, you abide by their rules.

Last, always remember that you are a guest: Remember to be gracious – they are, after all, letting you stay in their home. I’m not saying you have to pay them (though I often feel obliged to leave something equal in value to a stay at a hotel if I stay especially long), but always let them know that you appreciate their kindness. If anything, offer to reciprocate the favor by opening up your home to them in the future.

Is there anything I forgot to add? Remind me in the comments section!

Apparently, when some women think pornography, they think “hot guy with his shirt off taking out the trash.”

Photographer Susan Anderson and The Cambridge Women’s Pornography Cooperative (which sounds cool but doesn’t have a lot of media attached to it, at least according to Google and Wikipedia) asked women, young, old, rich, and poor, “What really, really gets you hot?” and then proceeded to write a book about it.

According to the authors of Porn For Women, the sorts of things that get us breathing heavy are “beautiful PG photos of hunky men cooking, listening, [and] asking for directions, accompanied by steamy captions: “I love a clean house!” or “As long as I have two legs to walk on, you’ll never take out the trash.””

Uh.

I mean, my grandma would approve.

When I think of porn for women, I think of naked guys doing a lot more than listening, and there sure isn’t a need for any captions.

While it’s pretty obvious this book is a joke, you have to wonder why the photographer and authors thought it necessary to keep it “PG”. Why not have guys vacuuming and dusting in the buff?

Why not have them looking interested, while also looking oiled up and ready to go?

I mean, if women are going to take the reins when it comes to porn, we might as well do it right. That means bare chests, pants off…and a little more action than some light housework.

Mom-porn isn’t sexy.