Young girls sobbing, clawing out at a stray shirttail, an errant sleeve, or maybe a baggy pant leg.  They shake with excitement and shout “I love you!” at the top of their lungs as the object of their affection passes by.  They are eternally grateful for even the smallest sign of acknowledgement, clinging to a wink or nod as a shipwrecked sailor might to floating debris.  Think I’m exaggerating?

As you read this, hundreds of Twilight fans are camping outside the Nokia Theatre in L.A. waiting for the red carpet premiere tomorrow…but most of them have been there since Monday!  Clad in Team Edward/Jacob t-shirts and waving blankets that depict the stars emerging from moody shadows, these loyal vamp lovers are holding their ground only to maybe score a wristband that allows them inside.  What happens if they’re denied?  Sadly, it’s back into their cars and on to home where they’ll have to wait for the nationwide premiere like everyone else.

Or what about the Christina Aguilera fan who just purchased 250 copies of the singer’s CDs?  In an effort to simultaneously “save Christina’s career” and take down Perez Hilton, who has lately been badmouthing the diva more than usual, the title of crazy superfan has found a new owner.  What makes this one person think they can actually have an effect on a huge star’s career?  Why would he even want to spend all that money on a favor that will never be returned?  Oh, and don’t give me that, “Her music is a favor I can never repay” type crap.  Xtina doesn’t care about you.

And who can forget Britney Spears’ most loyal fan?  Chris Crocker’s infamous “Leave Britney Alone” plea garnered nearly 32 million YouTube hits and became a sensation almost larger than Brit herself.  He sobs, wipes his running eye makeup, and yanks his frosted tips out of his enraged eyes as he chastises America from under the privacy of his bed sheet.

Sure, these are extreme cases of Superfanitis, but this heightened awareness of celebrity culture and the undying need to be absorbed in the action is getting more and more common.  Look at what happened when Twitter “un-trended” Justin Bieber or even when we here at CollegeCandy said Taylor Swift was overrated! (Editor’s Note: we seriously feared for our lives.)

People, why are you doing this?  Are you completely off your rocker, or is there some justification for patiently and happily waiting in the rain just to catch a glimpse of someone who would never do the same for you?  I must be missing something, because this unwavering devotion has become so common, it’s almost accepted as the norm.  Do you feel more a part of these stars’ lives when you obsessively know their favorite food, color, and most private stories?  If someone approached you on the street and recited the story of how that one time in the third grade you got pantsed in gym class, would you be a little horrified or would you want to marry that creeper and have a thousand babies?

Now, don’t think I’m above the fray.  I love a good celebrity break-up or unplanned pregnancy just as much as the next Us Weekly subscriber, but I think there is a difference between peeking into celebs lives and throwing yourself at their feet begging for an autograph or picture.  But such is life as a fan, and if you’re not willing to put your heart (and your dignity) on the line, you might as well step aside and make room for the truly crazy devoted.

Are you kidding me? Like, seriously; are you freaking kidding me?

You’re calling Jessica Simpson fat? FAT?! Maybe she put on a few pounds this winter (just like the rest of the population), or maybe she is the victim of a terrible, TERRIBLE, wardrobe malfunction (hello, mom jeans), but the girl is by no means fat.

I won’t even comment on how ridiculous our society is that this is one of the top headlines today. (Ok, yes I will. There are much bigger things happening in this world right now – things that matter – and all I can find online is a picture after picture of Jessica Simpson’s “severe weight gain”?) And who are we that we have the right to call anyone fat? Unless you have a medical degree or some kind of nutrition background, SHUT UP; it’s not your place to comment.

These days it is so easy to bring someone down thanks to the privacy we have behind our computer screens, but that doesn’t mean we should. Especially when the entire purpose of the comments people make is to be mean and hurtful. These comments are not concerned about her health – and she sure doesn’t seem to be at risk for obesity – so why are we even commenting on her figure at all? Does it feel good to see someone else with flaws? Does it make us feel better to be catty, mean bitches?

If anything I think it makes us look even more insecure about our bodies and ourselves.

One Daily News commenter writes, “[She is] well on her way to a massive FUPA, she is losing the only commodity she has, t & a.” So Jessica Simpson is only good for T&A, huh? You may not find her to be the most talented, or talented at all, but she must be doing something right to have had such a lucrative career in music and Hollywood.

I’m going to be honest – to break a woman’s entire persona down into only her body is disgusting and demeaning and I’m sick of it. When we live in a society where 80% of thirteen-year-olds have attempted to lose weight and 8 million Americans suffer from an eating disorder I think it’s about time we start looking at what we’re saying. I don’t want to go all Chris Crocker via “Leave Britney Alone,” but how about we leave body images alone?

Regardless of voice quality though, her clothing (and I state the following with the full knowledge that I sound like my Nana) is highly indecent. If Ali’s sole purpose this half hour was to expose as much flesh as possible, she beyond succeeded. I’m talking more copious amounts of mid-driff than usual people. In one scene she actually wears what I believe to be a short, Lycra unitard. After I stopped laughing at my use of the word unitard, I pondered how she manages not to suffocate her vagina.

All thoughts of Ali Lohan’s vajay aside, I snapped back to reality (television, that is) to see a Chris Crocker look alike stalking Dina at the gym. Turns out he’s a choreographer. After checking out his myspace page, DiLo calls him and for some reason feels the urge to say “Yes it’s really me,” and agrees to check out his moves at the Pearl. This is the beginning of what I believe to be a beautiful and staged relationship between a gay man and hetero woman.

Obviously Dina must test his talents by dancing with him personally before declaring that it’s up to Ali, and they should meet. I’m not sure why Ali needs a choreographer at this point, but her impending success must have inspired Dina to live vicariously through another one of her daughters again.

So Dina wants Ali and the Dancing Queen to meet, so she can check out their “chemistry”. To me, it seems like Dina is trying to force another overage companion on her daughter in the form of this choreographer. Ali really has no friends her own age. Not once since the mean girls incident have I even seen her interact with any other 14 year olds. Yet Dina is determined to find people who really and truly understand Ali. Um, why not go to Abercrombie or a Miley Cyrus concert? I think your target audience may be a little more accessible?

While the search for another kindred soul to Ali’s “artiste” persona is on, Cody wonders what his mom looks like while she’s dancing. I have no clue who inspired such madness or horror (joking, joking Dina boo) in my adorable dreamboat, but he is determined to see his mom back in action. He flyers the whole hotel with posters of his mom’s impromptu dance recital to draw an audience to her meeting with “Ali’s” choreographer.

Naturally, Dina acts totes modest/embarrassed at what Cody’s done. However she gives it away by emitting an ethereal, orangey glow of happiness. Wait, that’s her Mystic. But she’s still f*cking escatic. She obliges, heats up the stage and works those platinum extensions! She is pretty damn good, I must agree with Cody, but I highly highly doubt that routine wasn’t pre-choreographed– Rockette or not, she was working those splits a little too easily.

Now that Dina has fulfilled her attention quota for this episode, the focus (sorta) shifts back to Ali. The Maloofs throw her a going away party, to celebrate her finished recording stint in LV. The toast her career, she toasts Dina’s support, I toast the fact that she’s wearing a demure black shift that is sophisticated yet not slutty. Then the fam packs up and peaces out of the Palms in true LoClan style: via pimp green Escalade.

Back at home, Ali resumes her role as moody whiner as she has second thoughts about the reception of her upcoming cd– especially while she’s still label shopping. She talks to her contact at Maloof about her impatience while waiting for the results of her final productions. Meanwhile, Dina has reprised her role as momager extraordinaire, while she simultaneously tries to explain to her daughter the importance of not rushing things, or forcing them, and taking them slow (good luck with that one) and promoting Ali’s blossoming, um, career.

Oh, the conflict never ceases to amaze me–nor do you Dina my love.

Next week: Dina and Michael confirm that Ali is a bratty douchebag after she gets all pouty face about screen testing for a man who looks like a troll and is… making a movie about trolls.

The stripper turned business woman took some time out of her insane schedule to talk to us at College Candy and had some interesting things to say about life, her plans for the future, and finding a house.

The insanity surrounding the show can break some (Has Rodeo really lost her mind? Heather won’t say…) but this girl seems to have her head on straight on how to fully utilize her reality fame. Here’s what the classiest broad on TV had to say:

College Candy: So what are you doing today?

Heather: Well right now I’m about to take a shower, then I have a big meeting with VH1. I’m meeting up with Brooke Hogan afterwards and she and I are going house shopping in LA together.

CC: Brooke Hogan?? How did you two hookup?

H: Brooke and I met at the Reality Show awards and totally hit it off. She’s a great girl and someone I really enjoy spending time with. She’s looking for a place too.

CC: That’s a whole lot of blonde; any chance it’ll be filmed?

H: I can’t discuss what I’m doing in terms of TV. It’s all very hush hush, but the meeting today with VH1 is to talk about what I’m doing next with them. People all over the internet want to know what’s going on with me so I’m trying to get something going so people can see.

CC: Are you really moving in with Chris Crocker?

H: No, I just threw that out there because I thought it would be funny idea. I was never really that serious about it but the press just ate it up and ran with it.

CC: Are you dating anyone?

H: No not at all. I really felt so exhausted after the whole dating show experience. The thought of putting myself out there is overwhelming. Right now I’m just trying to focus on myself and my career. I led a pretty crazy life before the show dancing in Vegas, so settling down and trying to get my career off the ground is about all I have time for.

CC: You were definitely made out to be the “House Stripper,” yet there were a number of other girls who shared your profession. Did you mind that you became the stripper character?

H: I was a little put off by it. Brandi M. and I danced in the same club for Christ sake. But it is TV and they have to make good characters to make good TV. I think I’m ok because I know where I come from. I was certainly the most educated woman in the house. I have associates’ and a B.A; I worked really hard to get those degrees and went through a lot. Stripping is something I did for a while because its good money and I could do it. It’s not who I am, and I know that. Right now I have all these things set in motion because I’m smart, not because I’m a stripper. I’m writing a book, I have a million projects in the works.

CC: What do you regret most about the show, if anything?

H: I certainly don’t regret doing the show. I loved being on the show, and I love the fans I have from it. I had strong feelings for Bret in the end and I got hurt, but that’s life. I do regret some of the things I said about the other girls. It is a competition, and we were all drunk all the time. The combination of those two things can make you say things you wouldn’t ordinarily say. I’m grateful that everyone realized that and I’m still really close to a lot of the girls from the show.

CC: So you don’t regret getting the tattoo?

H: Not at all! It was a rocking experience and everyone seems to love coming up and taking a look to see if it’s real. People love getting their picture taken with it. It’s like it has its own fame!

CC: Has Rodeo really lost her mind?

H: No comment….(long pause)…no really, no comment.

CC: Who else do you talk to from the show?

H: Brandi C. and Krystia I talk to all the time. Lacey and I hang out sometimes and are in touch. Jes and I have been playing phone tag, but we are doing an appearance together in Florida soon so I’m looking forward to seeing her. Myspace has been the place that I’m able to keep in touch with everyone because I’ve really been so busy.

CC: Did you really leave Bret for dead on the dune buggies?

H: That was another thing that really pissed me off about the show. They made it seem like I didn’t care at all about Bret feeling sick. He was the one who wanted to keep going, and everything having to do with me helping him was edited right out because they needed the “Jes cares, Heather doesn’t” storyline. I also never ever said that I would share him. That was a total fabrication on the part of the editors.

CC: Well Heather thanks so much for talking with us today. Your hair is looking hot by the way.

H: Haha, thank you! Sometimes I feel like I play second fiddle to my hair and my tattoo! I feel like they should get their own show.

CC: It’s a good idea; you should bring that up in the meeting.

Heather ran off to go to her secret meeting at VH1 leaving us with so many burning questions. Is she going to get her own show? Will she be making a comeback a la New York on Rock of Love 2? According to Heather we are just going to have to stay tuned.

Until then we can see Heather all over the internet (she loves her Myspace) and making various appearances around the country.

On that note: Helloooo Chris Crocker!

The person who’s stolen our hearts with his/her defiant (albeit staged… it was a second take!) rant in the aftermath of Britney’s VMA meltdown has signed with a production company in order to develop his own show. Gag me now.

Does it bother anyone else that this guy gets a TV deal?

For one, can we even call him a guy? Shouldn’t it send up warning signals when every single person whom I watch his infamous video with can’t even discern his sex? Would he/she or anyone else be offended if he was referred to as a she-male? Eh, none of this is either here nor there.

The point is, as far as I can tell, this guy has nothing going for him outside of his ability to absolutely creep the living daylights out of anyone who watches him. Sure, we get a laugh out of it the first time we see him, but after that, am I the only person who finds it hard to watch him? And now we’re supposed to watch him in entire half-hour segments?

A show that, according to the Production Company’s founder, will be the “Chris Crocker experience?” The horror! I’d rather be bound, gagged and forced to watch a Teletubbies’ marathon.

The real shame of the whole thing is, his show will probably do really well. It seems that we as a society are totally obsessed in watching the ridiculousness that are the lives of other really weird people. The Hills, the Rock of Love, that show with Scott Baio… We receive a perverse amount of pleasure out of laughing at this people. But at least Brett Michaels and Scott Baio used to be good at something. I don’t even want to get started on the lack of anything substantive possessed by any character on the Hills other than mildly good looks.

So with that said, here’s to Chris(tina) Crocker, the (wo)man who’s turned his/her crying self into a cult hero and would-be TV star.

I’ll leave it to everyone else to let me know how the show turns out. I won’t be tuning in.

Winter can sorta be a bitch, especially around my neck of the woods, and thinking about walking down the street with wind whipping hair into my face and slush flying at me from racing taxis is enough to get me screaming like Chris Crocker.

I’ve lived on the East Coast for most of my life, and I get pissed off at winter each and every season.

Good for all of us that we’ve still got a few more weeks before things turn blustery (and I pull out the anti-depressants). As a little homage to my favorite season, I’d like to say goodbye to summer this weekend with a yummy, colorful desert.

Vanilla Wafer Sandwiches

• 1 box Nilla Wafers

• Strawberry ice cream

• Banana ice cream

• 1 banana

• (optional) melon baller

Take out 10 vanilla wafers*, and put five of them on a plate. Using your melon baller or a small spoon, scoop a small scoop of either the strawberry or banana ice cream onto one water. Top with a slice of banana.

Put a second wafer on top of your creation, and stick the whole thing in the freezer to allow them to set.

* I’m suggesting 10 as a serving size, but if you’re as angry about winter as I am, you might need a few…or twenty…more.

What do you get when you mix a bleached midwestern queen screaming under his bedsheet, with a monotonous, bouncing, electric piano line?

A whole lot of pain – chocolate pain. Here is our rendition of the newest YouTube crazy, Chris Crocker ranting over Tay Zonday‘s viral classic, “Chocolate Rain”.

The end result ain’t pretty. We apologize in advance.

You may not have heard the name Chris Crocker before yesterday, but thanks to Britney and her whore-endous VMA performance, his not-so-uncommon rants via YouTube are now, seriously, all over the Internet and he has the most watched Myspace pages of all.

But this southern 19-year-old, who on his Myspace page, calls himself “The New Christ” wants to meet the “man of his wet dreams” (don’t we all).

He only reveals his hometown as Real Bitch Island (I wonder if Americans can point out this gem on a map) has been viewed millions and millions of times before – he has just never had this much media attention.

The stars have finally aligned for Crocker and his…passion…for Britney and pink lipstick has catapulted his popularity overnight.

He has 66 YouTube videos, all bat sh*t crazy postings about everything from hair flipping to nose picking.

He also does characters! My fave is Earl Annie Edna, who will probably be in my nightmares tonight. But none are as in demand right now as “Leave Britney Alone,” which has gotten well over a million clicks and is simply addicting to watch.

This kid is cracked, but we love him. Everyone loves him. Man, he’s gonna get so much p*ssy.

Oh, wait.

Leave Britney alone!

No? You don’t want to either? Like the majority of America, I watched the Video Music Awards for one thing and one thing only: Britney’s comeback.

Criss Angel was going to help her walk though mirrors. Maybe there’d be smoke. A snake? High wires? Explosions! Something big.

At 9:00 pm on the dot I ran out of the shower and sat in front of the TV like a little kid on Saturday morning, eagerly awaiting one of the “biggest comebacks in decades”.

And then, we all know what happened.

I don’t know a lot about dancing, but I know that when you start off your routine looking like an awkward 7th grader at their first boy/girl dance, something is wrong. I also know almost falling over in your shoes and needing your dancers to help you up and down steps is something my grandma does (except my grandma doesn’t use dancers…that would be excessive).

50 Cent seemed confused, Rihanna laughed her ass off, and Mindfreak Moron was nowhere to be found. There was no smoke, no theme, and not even a good costume (you’ve had two kids, girl. Give those sequined undies a rest).

However, some people are just begging you to leave poor Brit alone. She “doesn’t deserve” this media backlash, they say. She’s “not well”.

Well, not only is this the silliest defense I’ve ever heard (last time I checked someone can’t force coke up your nose or a drink down your throat) but this over-the top little man is the original Drama QUEEN. He’s truly unbelievable.

As for Brit not being “well”…she’s an addict, but you don’t catch a drug addiction. It ain’t the flu. She got herself there.

Truthfully, it looked like Spears not only forgot some of the words to her highly repetitive song, but she forgot all the steps. The number was at times so painful, so lackluster, I was instantly flashbacked to a performance of my first grade’s Thanksgiving Spectacular show where I blanked on all the steps in the Turkey Jiggle.

I looked ridiculous, but I was 8, and had an audience of 20.

…and I wasn’t dressed like a bedazzled ho.

What do you think? Is this the end of the line for the weird wonder?